Sunday, July 13, 2014

Are Y'all Ready For This?

I haven't written this sort of blog in well... ever.

Fasten your seat belts kids. It's about to get crazy in here.





I strongly recommend that you play the "mood music" above in order to appreciate the stage I am setting.

So, last Thursday night my mom and I went out for pizza and trivia at a local place. As we were leaving, this guy sitting alone tagged my mom and she started talking to him. I paid the bill. She was still talking to him. He was only a couple years older than I, good looking, and interested. In me, that is. Woah. For the last few years, I have avoided dating much like our ancestors avoided Black Plague. But, I am beginning to feel better and thought I *might* stick my little toe into the dating pool. You know, provided that the guy was right. So we chatted for a while, exchanged cell numbers, and then texted and talked for the last few days.

It seemed promising.

The key word is seemed.

I also decided that before meeting him would be an excellent time to read Steve Harvey's book on how men think when they are dating a woman. It is called Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man. I highly recommend it to all of you single ladies out there. It will blow your mind. Yes, men really do think differently than women. It is true. You will learn that a man must have three things nailed down before he is seeking to nail down a wife (he is always seeking to nail a woman... just sayin'). To quote Steve Harvey, "If men aren't pursuing their dreams - if we're not chasing the "who we are," the "what we do," and the "how much we make," we are doomed. Dead. But the moment that we figure out the puzzle and feel like our dreams are taking shape, new life breathes into us - it makes us vibrant, enthuses, and animates us....Encoded in the DNA of the male species is that we are to be the provider and the protector of the family, and everything we do is geared toward ensuring we make this happen.... So if this is on his mind, and he hasn't lined up the whole who he is, the what he does, and how much he makes in the way he sees fit, he can't possibly be to you what he wants to be." Woah. I had NO IDEA.

Steve Harvey goes on to talk about a man looking for a Relationship and a man who is Sport Fishing. The Sport Fisherman is looking to get laid. Period. And the person who decides if you are a sport fish, ladies, is YOU. You set up the boundaries and then the man decides if you are worth jumping through hoops for... or not. Chances are, if you respect you, then so will someone else. And you can weed through the keepers and the ones to throw back much easier. Steve Harvey makes it clear that if he is "into" you he will profess you (call you his lady, his girlfriend, the woman he plans to marry), provide for you (financially and otherwise), and protect you, so if someone gets all up in your face and you have a Real Man who loves you, be careful with that information... because he might rip someone's face off.

This was information I needed. Well, that and all of the reading I have done on Boundaries and becoming my own person (again). For instance, did you know that MOST people will do what is best for them in any given situation even it means hurting someone else? I knew it, but I didn't practice it. And that mistake was HUGE for me. Cost me damn near everything. There was a time when I would have laid the blame right at the feet of my ex-husband. Can't do that. I didn't have boundaries and I didn't stand up for myself. Me. Not him. He was a complete jerk, but I knew it and married him anyway. I had reasons, but they were NEVER good enough. I deserve a good person. I refuse to accept anything less.

So, back to this dude at the restaurant. We made plans to get together this afternoon. I was under the impression - because I ASSUMED - that his current lack of a running car was temporary and soon to be remedied. He talked about the various cars he'd looked at and why he hadn't bought one. He owns a small company, so I really thought money wasn't the issue. So, I volunteered to pick him up JUST THIS ONCE so we could meet and have a drink, maybe some dinner if it went well.

At 4:30 I am on his doorstep, ringing his bell, banging on his door, calling his phone, and eventually sending him a super pissed off text message from the safety of my car. He lives in a scary neighborhood and his neighbors across the street made me nervous. Then, after waiting the five minutes I said I'd wait, I drove off (you bet, mad as hell). He calls my phone when I hit the corner. Oh, I did leave him a message that said he better have fallen in his shower, because no other excuse was going to float with me. I should have stuck with that.

What did happen? He fell asleep. Now, knowing what I know now, that would have been a good time to leave and tell him to lose my number. BUT, it didn't happen that way. If it had, I would have missed out on the excellent opportunity to rediscover my voice..

He said he could be ready in 15 minutes.

2 hours later I am still sitting in the recliner watching him prance around half naked and, most likely, trek off to the kitchen, under the guise of getting ready, to down another beer. But, I did not know that at the time. Honestly, I had no idea that was what he was doing. I knew he'd had a few after I sat there for an hour, but I really didn't think he was still heavily drinking. *Wrong.*

So, we leave with plans still very vague in my mind. I told him that I just wanted to sit somewhere and talk. He has pull me into a convenience store. My light bulb is now on. I called my mom and told her to call me with an emergency in an hour. This date was a Big, Fat Bust and the dude is an alcoholic. Definitely.

He then suggests this nice restaurant on the water that I have been to once. So, when we get there I call mom from the bathroom to tell her to hold up on the call. I might get out of this okay. We had to wait 20 minutes for a table and I was hungry.

Soon as we get outside (I think to wait at the bar - *wrong again*) he starts searching for an empty table. I say, "J-----, we can't just sit at a table even it is empty. There is no waiter assigned to it. We have to wait for them to call us."

Then he says, "You will find out I have my OWN way of doing things." Sure enough, I found that out.

We end up down at the far bar where we would no longer hear our names to get a table while he scoped for an empty table that he thought he could snatch before a hostess seated someone else there. He ordered a beer. I ordered a sweet tea. I looked at a menu. He wasn't hungry. Every alcoholic I've ever known doesn't eat because they don't want to lose their Buzz. Two sips into my tea he starts something with another customer by being a complete jerk. I bury my head in the menu and pray for Samantha's powers on the show Bewitched so I can blink myself out of there. These two clowns are threatening to beat each other up and throw each other over the railing into the water before it's done. The other clown walked away while the one sitting next to me is shouting at his back. And that was when it happened.

I snapped.

I told him he was being an Asshole. Pardon my language. I rarely curse, but he was. And I told him so. I also told him he was an alcoholic and a mean drunk and one of us was paying for our drinks. And then I was leaving. And if he wanted a ride home, so was he. A meaner person would have left him there. I really wanted to leave him there, but that would have been "mean."

And after I said that first thing I felt, the fear of hurting someone's feelings ENDED. In fact, that was akin to unplugging a bathtub full of water. It all poured out (wait for it). He apologized in the car. And I said I knew he was sorry, but really it should have been expected. Alcoholics just act that way. I followed that gem up with the fact that we were never going out again because I refuse to allow any more toxic people into my life. He was ruined by alcohol and I told him so. And he could continue to make that unhealthy choice (who was I to stop him?) but I was done with the unhealthy choices for me. And that meant we were traveling different roads. Separately. Then he asked if were having sex later. And I said that we absolutely were not. I wasn't even going to kiss him. (He was really lucky I didn't stop the car and insist he get out at this point.) When I pulled up in front of his house he told me I was "mean" and not a very good Christian. And I told him I could live with his opinion on the matter because he was a drunk. Good-bye.

Right after I told him we weren't going anywhere, and before he asked about the Nonexistent Sex That Will Never Happen With Him, he launched into the sad story about his mother dying when he was four years old followed by his father shooting himself. He was raised by his sisters. It is/was a sad story. I told him that I felt badly, but I didn't feel badly enough to allow his toxicity into my life. Yes, I said hurtful things. Hurtful and true things. I called it just like I saw it. He is an alcoholic. He has taken everything good about himself and drowned it in booze. I also told him I wasn't down for that ride. If that makes me a mean person, I am --- for the first time--- fine with it. Great even.

I have a voice and I am not afraid to use it. Thank God. Thank God. Thank God.

Look out world.






I deserve a great guy. And I am not settling ever again. 

What about you? Are you getting the love that you deserve or did you allow stinkin' thinkin' to cloud your judgment? If you aren't getting the love you deserve, only you can change it. Do it today. You are worth it!

54 comments:

  1. I love reading about those moments of clarity and empowerment. I'm working on my voice, it's there, but not very audible right now. But I too, am worth something wonderful and toxic, is not wonderful. Good for you! I'm very proud of you and you are nice than I am. I would have left his ass there! Thank you for posting this!

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    1. Yvonne, you will get there. You must ALWAYS remember that other people have NO PROBLEM telling you that they aren't interested, think you are this, that, or the other thing if they don't want to be in it. They DO NOT CARE if your feelings are hurt. If you are honest, then you should be able to do the same. No cheap shots. Absolute honesty. Read Steve Harvey's book. I promise you will see it all differently.

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    2. I've never looke at that way before. Thanks! And I'm going to read the book as well. :)

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  2. Seriously, all I can say to all this is holy sh*t!!! I was really hoping- I mean *SO HOPING* that in all my "moving, drowning in boxes with no furniture to unpack it into and also drowning in realizing that I am so stinkin' happy and damn sure should have done this sooner- but that's a whole 'nother blog post" that I had missed the fact that you had met the man of your dreams. But noooooo..... you met 'Mr. Hell On Earth' in the flesh. This dude would have found himself in such a compromising position that he wouldn't have been able to figure out which way was up. I have been told that when I've finally had enough it really shows. This guy would have seen it, for sure.
    You are still too kind in my opinion, but THANK GOD you sent this dumb a**hole packing. I know of quite a few people who have stories something like this right before they meet Mr. or Mrs. Right. I'm going to believe that's what you are in for!
    Seriously, I am so glad you are OK after all this and that you think enough of yourself to have rid yourself of this trash. I really wish I could see you now that you are so much healthier. I know I would be amazed, because I found you to be wonderful even in the throes of so much pain.

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    1. I think I needed this one Jasmine. I have this Rescuer complex that I have been working very hard to put behind me. This guy is/was clearly in need of a rescue. But not by ME. He calmed way down in the car. I don't think he fights with girls. He even admitted he was an alcoholic. Didn't want to change that status but knew it to be true. And, as much as he could feel sorry about anything... he was. But, I deserve so much better than that. And it felt great to say so. I didn't pussyfoot around it, but said it straight out. I needed to know that I COULD.

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  3. It sounds like you stood up for yourself just fine! I'm impressed. Back in my dating days, I found myself in all kinds of situations because I was afraid of being "mean" to people—people who were obviously having no trouble being mean to me.

    You should be very proud that you've found your voice. Speaking the truth is never mean.

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    1. When the truth is ugly, it feels mean. But, boy, it is necessary.

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  4. Hurray for you!
    I remember putting up with a whole lot of jerks back in my dating days because I didn't think I was capable of standing up for myself. I let guys treat me like a door mat. Luckily, I started wising up, and when I met someone wonderful, I recognized right away what a catch he was.

    Good for you, telling him off. I'm kind of surprised you got back in the car with him and drove him home. I would have been nervous about him getting violent. I'm glad he didn't. But I can't believe he asked you if you were going to have sex with him after you blew up at him and made him leave the restaurant! LOL! Did he think it was some kind of stupid movie scene where the girl yells at the guy and then jumps his bones anyway because he is so hot?! (And Hollywood needs to stop making those scenes. They are stupid. Yelling should not be considered an aphrodisiac. That is, to use your word, toxic.)

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    1. It has taken me a couple of years of therapy with a therapist who didn't accept that bad stuff just "happened" to me, but that I allowed that bad stuff in the door. Heck, I opened the door wide, and said, "Come on in and make yourself at home." And then was surprised when it all went to crap. Well, it was crap before it started. I just didn't want to be mean and say, "Your thoughts, ideas, actions are crap and I don't want them in my life. Adios."

      I was (mildly) surprised that he asked about the sex after I told him that we were never going to see one another again.... UNTIL I remembered the Steve Harvey book and he said that men will always try for it. Doesn't matter what the odds look like. Hahaha. So, before the book I would have been shocked. After... not so much.

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  5. I think you were more than patient with him. Anyone who falls asleep and practically misses a first date didn't really want to go on one in the first place, imo. And not wanting to get involved with someone who doesn't even remotely have their shite together isn't mean; it's smart.

    Sorry your date was a bust :(

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    1. This post was already so long, Marcy, but I figured out the reason he fell asleep was he had been drinking from the moment he got up that morning, which he says was 6am. Heck, if I had been drinking 10 hours (heavily) I would have fallen asleep, too. I was there waiting and waiting and waiting.... and he says to me about an hour and a half into the wait, "Are you sure that I said to pick me up at 4:30?"

      The guy was so wasted when he set up the date that he FORGOT. And that is what alcoholism does for you. It just sucks everything good right out of your life. He wanted to see me... sure. But not more than he wanted to get drunk. And that wasn't going to change.

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  6. Holy you know what. What an amazing experience and wonderful insight for you to know you are stronger now and can stand up for yourself. Yeah!

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    1. I felt a bit like Wonder Woman after I drop kicked him at the curb. So, I guess it wasn't the worst date ever...

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  7. Best thing I've read today....in fact, all week! Good for you!!

    Steve Harvey's books sounds, pretty much, -dead on-....from a guy's perspective :)

    You were a lot nicer than I would have been, especially after his "I fell asleep" excuse.

    When someone makes a date, they should be so looking forward to it that they'd be too nervous/excited to sleep. Sure, we want to give people the benefit of the doubt but, sometimes, it's too much.

    I'm glad you found your voice and, hopefully, you won't have to go through any more situations like you described above.

    Don't worry, that 'special someone' will come...just have faith.

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    1. I explained further about the feeling asleep in the comment to Marcy.

      Here is the thing with an alcoholic... alcohol trumps everything. He was excited about the date when we talked about it the day before and that morning. It was in the afternoon when we actually set the time that I did not understand I was talking to a man who was already intoxicated and wouldn't remember our conversation.

      I don't think the right guy was in my future until I had the voice to tell the wrong one where to get off.

      Things are looking up.

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  8. I'm just surprised to hear that Steve Harvey is really this insightful. I had no idea.

    Good on ya for sticking up for yourself. I've always been a so-called "nice guy," and one of the hardest habits to break is realizing that there's a huge difference between being mean and standing up for yourself if someone's being a dick.

    I have my special someone, and we work so well together... now if only my wife would understand that. *ba dum tish*

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    1. I know. I thought he was JUST a comedian, but I learned from his book that back when he was on the radio (only) he took calls from listeners. It didn't take long for him to realize that these were real people with real problems and his cracking a joke wasn't going to help. And that was when he dug into it and told these ladies (who comprised most of the callers) what a man was really thinking in any given situation. And that led to the TV show he has now where he spends a lot of time explaining this same shiznit over and over again.

      I am not sure I would have handled this quite so well if I hadn't read the book. For starters, I might have punched this clown right in the face when he asked me about the sex. Understanding that men always want it (thank you Steve Harvey) allowed me to see the whole thing clinically and just to speak plainly. No. Not ever. Not in this lifetime. I don't care if you think you've got your crap together. Still not happening. I didn't want there to be any room for misinterpretation. Maybe that was what he found so mean about me. I mean, who wouldn't want to have hot and heavy sex with a sweetheart like him????

      I think your wife already recognizes your good traits. She married you. If you need any help in this department, send her to this blog. It will help her to remember what is out there waiting for her if she thinks YOU are bad.

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  9. I know a guy just like that. Fairly nice guy underneath, but started drinking when his eyes opened and never stopped. Now doing 15 years for slamming a car into a ditch and killing the innocent driver.

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    1. Yeah, I found out on the drive to the restaurant that he had a DUI. Think maybe that is the reason he has no working car and isn't driving. Ba-da-boom.

      The sad thing is that I do believe that there is a nice guy buried under all that booze. But, I am not going to be the one who expends all her energy trying to dig him out. He jumped in the hole, he needs to dig his own way out.

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  10. Crap, you don't need that! And I don't care what the circumstances - never go into a strange dude's house. What if he'd been really nuts?
    Yes, you deserve someone much better and without a load of luggage. Someone balanced and stable. We're not all messed up like that dude.

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    1. I would NEVER have gone into his house if I hadn't met him in person. With my mother. And he knew that she knew exactly where I was and who I was with... I am not a complete moron. And I hope to be smarter yet the next time I jump back into this rodeo (the dating game).

      Yes, I believe that there are still good men out there. I just need to have the smarts to throw the bad ones back. Fast. It only took me a few days of texting and a couple of hours of in-person contact to fully understand who this guy was. Bonus points for me!

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  11. Good for you. You had about two hours more patience than I would have. I'm so happy I found my 'good' man. You will too.

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    1. Yes, I think I will. The reason I haven't found one yet is that I wasn't selective enough. That is changing!

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  12. I don't think I would've lasted that long. Glad you got rid of that one. Hope you find a better one soon!

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    1. Honestly, I knew that there was no hope for the relationship continuing about thirty minutes into the wait. And maybe the smarter thing would have been to just get up and leave when he left the room for the umpteenth time. But, I would have missed out on finding my voice. In the end, I think it was worth it.

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  13. You should feel reeeeeally good about yourself. The women I've always admired the most are assertive women... the ones who are aware of their value, and expect to be treated with proper respect. Guess what? That's YOU! Good for you. I'm so glad you recognized the red flags this dude was waving so early on. Too many women ignore them.

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    1. It is funny that you mention Red Flags. My therapist and I talk about them all of the time. I can now see in my past relationships those red flags very clearly and how I waved at them and went on (way back when). I actually said out loud in the car after I agreed to turn around and give him 15 minutes, "And there is the red flag." So, I KNEW and I was just looking for proof at that point to confirm my suspicions. It didn't take long. He kept throwing them and I kept noting them. By the time we left the house, I knew it was a first and last date. Again... I probably should have "Called It" but then I wouldn't have gotten to uncork a voice that desperately needed it.

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  14. Robin-

    You are more persistent that I am.

    If I went to pick someone up and she did not answer the door, I'd be done. That is so RUDE!

    And as you described all the time spent waiting on him to get ready, I thought how long would I give a woman (who usually do make me wait a little) before I said the heck with it?

    There are some men out there who are decent, but you are right-you set the tone with what you are willing to put up with.

    You deserve better, and kudos to you for realizing that and demanding better!

    I still maintain that how a person treats you in the initial few dates is the best it will be. That does not mean they will all become abusive and neglectful, the there will be a decline, the variable is the steepness of that decline (ask any married woman about the little things that were there in the beginning that are no longer there).

    So if they appear selfish or jerk-like on the first date that is the equivalent of part of the iceberg that the guy in the bird's nest of the Titanic saw.

    Run like hell.

    Sorry you had a bad experience.

    I was talking to someone at a bar on Friday, but after a few questions got answered (she'd basically abandoned her three children to be raised by her mother), I found an excuse to get up and gave the guy who was waiting to talk to her his opening.

    I am sure I am repeating myself here-I always thought dating would be easier as I got older.

    Boy is it hard!

    Keep looking, Robin, but remember to enjoy your life regardless of whether there is a man beside you. We're really not all that!

    Larry

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    1. I think that dating is harder, not easier, the older we get. People constantly accumulate baggage and don't know how to just let it go already. I admit that I have been guilty of it myself. Frankly, I had no idea how much it was weighing me down until I started dropping it a little bit at a time.

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  15. What amazes me is that women are still figuring us mean out!

    There are all these books about thinking like men, and understanding how men think, and any book longer than five pages (including the cover page) is probably devoting more time to our pea brains that warranted.

    Yet there are no books out there for understanding women. And they'd be pretty think volumes, between your complexity and our need for large print and small words!

    LC

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    1. Ironically, Steve Harvey says more or less the same things in his book. He says that men are Simple. Once you understand how a man thinks (illustrated above) you can determine how he sees you by he treats you. Take off those rose-colored glasses and pay attention to those cues. He calls them the Three P's with the first being Profess. If he introduces you to his friends by your given name, you are not his SO. It is when he calls you My Lady, My Girlfriend, The Woman I Intend To Marry that indicate he is All In. And men pretty much have only a couple of modes. One is Fix It mode and is where he tends to go first. You present a problem, he presents a fix. He doesn't want to hear the ins and outs and the general venting. That is why you have Girlfriends, ladies. They love that stuff and men just don't get it.

      He also says that men have it much harder. What a woman likes today she might or might not like tomorrow. Even if it is the same darn thing. And he is SO RIGHT. The womens are tough to figure out and I am one of them!

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    2. I should amend my statement-the 90's book "Men Are From Mars Women Are From Venus" was pretty good...plus I had the advantage of being close to my younger sister so she could clue me in to what was meant versus what was said during those years.

      LC

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    3. I think that all of these "guys see it this way while women see it this way" books are helpful. Of course, they are all general guidelines and there will always be exceptions.

      I am glad that you had your sister giving you "inside information" so you could better interpret what was really going on. We all need that sort of help!

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  16. OMG! What a horror story! I'm going through a separation and it's been hell. I wish it was over already. Anyways, I'm glad you got out.

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    1. Yes, but I think it had a happy ending. Sounds like you are slowly moving toward your own!

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  17. Oh Robin, I was holding my breath and feeling anxious for you until the story was near the end. Now, I'm cheering and fist-pumping for you! Go, girlfriend! Woohoo! So glad you found your voice and used it appropriately. He's lucky you were so nice as to give him so much of your time, attention and to even have him in the car with you on the way home. I'm still laughing, however, at the fact that he asked if your statements meant "no sex." Not the sharpest alcoholic in town.

    I haven't found the romantic love I deserve because I'm not settling either.

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    1. I know. That is pretty funny. I would have been really pissed if I hadn't already been so emotionally detached from the whole thing. Sweet Jesus, I pity the next woman he asks out. Or him. Someone is going to have a really rough time of it.

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  18. What a jerk. With a bad habit to boot. I guess after being with my husband for so long, I've had it pounded into me what is acceptable behavior and what is not. He's always been the perfect gentleman and set a great example. That guy wouldn't have even gotten a date if he'd said I had to pick him up. No way Jose.

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    1. I can see now that anyone who gets involved him with would be riding one heck of a rollercoaster. Picking the guy up would be the least of the problems. Yeah, because I don't see him getting a car any time soon - despite the impression that he made on the phone - and before we actually met.

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  19. Wow! Thanks for the novel. You may read it in a few years. I'll be the author. Just kidding. Rotten experience. Great way to handle it. Good for you and lucky you're smart.

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    1. I have made quite a few bad choices in the past. After you pass those red flags often enough, you begin to recognize them a lot faster.

      And you are right... this would make a good story for a novel. I will think about that...

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  20. Good for you! I'm glad you didn't get sucked in by his sad story. Way to be strong. Being honest after all his rude behavior doesn't make you mean!

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    1. Things weren't going his way....ergo, I was mean.

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  21. Good for you. You didn't kiss the frog.

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  22. So glad that you stood your ground with him. Definitely going to check that book out and suggest it to a friend who like you is back on the dating battlefield. She too has had some real doozies.

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    1. I think that ANYONE who is dating would benefit from reading that book. Make that any woman. Guys already know how they think!

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  23. It's Liza. And yeah, I was away for this one. I wanted to dance, I'm so proud of you! You are growing and healing. Hooray for you!

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    1. Yes, I have come a long way baby!

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  24. Part 1 Of 2:

    >>... Then he asked if were having sex later.

    Oh, gosh, that line had me literally HOWLING OUT LOUD WITH LAUGHTER!

    Damn! My computer went belly up at the WORST time! I missed this one. I actually tried to check out your blog from my work computer, which is very limiting and forces me to use "tricks" to get around the website blocking. This blog bit didn't show up. Maybe it was too new to have been "cached" yet.

    At any rate, I think you should take Steve Harvey's book with several grains of salt. No doubt there is *some* truth to what he says, but he's painting with a pretty broad brush. If I said that "women are fickle and really aren't sure WHAT they truly want", that would be true... generally speaking. But there are some women - although a minority they are - who really DO know what they want, and their ideas, their wants and needs don't change from day to day, or month to month, or year to year.

    Well, the same is true of men. In some ways, I am very much like other men; but in some other ways, I am NOT AT ALL like other men. And I know I'm not alone in that.

    My friend DiscConnected wrote:
    "There are all these books about thinking like men, and understanding how men think, and any book longer than five pages (including the cover page) is probably devoting more time to our pea brains than warranted."

    That might be true for him - I don't know. But it's DEFINITELY not true for me and some other guys I've known. We should be careful not to paint with too broad of a brush when talking about people, because some people are more individualistic and don't really fall into some "group-like" category.

    DiscConnected is right though that in the beginning you will be shown the "best face" that the other person is capable of putting on. If it's not too great at the beginning, KNOW that it can ONLY get worse later, so run away - don't walk!

    You were right to forget about this clown. In fact, you shouldn't have even given him time to get ready, because his lack of readiness was a gigantic black flag from the beginning.

    Continued Below...

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    1. Part 2 Of 2:

      I remember some decades ago when I was checking out at some store and the female behind the cash register was wearing a 'James Dean' pin. I rarely ever asked a woman out on a date on a whim like that, but since I was pretty close to being James Dean reincarnated, I mentioned that a couple of Dean's movies were playing at our local retro theatre that night or the next night (can't recall for sure), and I asked if she wanted to go see them with me. She said, “Yes”, so I got her address and said I'd pick her up at such-and-such time.

      When I got to her apartment, she didn't answer the door. I was just going back to my car when she came walking up. She said she'd had to go do something (I can't remember what it was now) but that she'd be ready to go in about five minutes.

      I waited for her (since I was already there and I WANTED to see the movies again) but I ALREADY KNEW THAT THIS WAS OUR FIRST AND LAST(!) DATE.

      When we got back to her place after the movies, I said, “Goodbye” - had NO INTEREST in kissing her, and that was the last time I ever saw or spoke to her.

      My friend 'The Flying Aardvark' nailed it perfectly. She had never met me – knew me only from being online and exchanging Emails – but in less than a year she wrote to me: “You just don't take any crap from anyone, do you?”

      She meant that in a GOOD way, and she was right.

      I'm far from perfect. Sometimes I'm not even good or nice. But I am worth something, at least to myself, and I will NOT take crap from anyone, nor will I settle for less than what I want, if I have that choice to make.

      So, anyway, good for YOU! You did the right thing all the way around (except that you shouldn't have even waited that long for him to get ready – because it was a black flag right out of the chute!)

      Also, any guy who would WANT sex after the first date is a loser to begin with. He has no moral sense and you should run away – NOT walk! If the most beautiful woman in the world wanted to have sex with me after the first date (pretending for a moment that the most beautiful woman in the world would go out with me), I too would run away – NOT walk.

      See? All of us "guyz" aren't really the same... regardless of what Steve Harvey might think and write.

      ~ D-FensDogg
      'Loyal American Underground'

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    2. Interestingly enough, I think that you would appreciate certain aspects of the book. Why? Because he says it really is all about how the man TREATS THE LADY. The problem is that the lady doesn't pay attention to those cues. We are excellent at rationalization and accepting every excuse in the book. And he says to just not do that. All of those things say to a guy that you don't respect yourself enough to draw your boundaries and make them very clear from the start.

      In other words, many men (not including you on this one) disrespect a woman (and even other men) right up to the point that they will allow themselves to be disrespected. Not saying that women don't do the same thing, but more that they don't see it the same way. That gal that you talked about probably didn't see that she was disrespecting you. She had problems (blah blah blah), she was running late (blah blah blah), and possibly doing the best that she could. She had no idea that she was going out with someone who has very high expectations of himself and the people he chooses to associate with... because most people would have been okay with her 5 minutes of lateness.

      Honestly, it took me a VERY LONG TIME to fully understand that when you are late for meeting someone that it feels disrespectful to them. I get it NOW, but it was a lesson long time coming for me. I would tell you that it is all of the 3s in my chart, but that wouldn't make sense to you. Let's just say that the 3 is a creative energy that communicates well but is terrible about scattering their energy. And that results in things like lateness. They are so involved in what they are doing that they lose track of time (blah blah blah). It is easier for me in the age of the cell phone to at least warn someone if I am going to be late. BUT, I really try so much harder now because I know it is an issue for me. Sometimes I am even early in my efforts to offset my tendency to be late.

      Anyway, back to the book... I suppose it is about the men, but the core of it is addressed to the ladies. The ladies decide how they are going to be treated. If a lady walks around with a skirt up to her butt cheeks and her cleavage hanging out then the mens are going to assume she's easy. In other words, how you dress is important. If you don't want to be a one night stand, womens, don't dress like a whore. Nuff said.

      The bottom line is that if a lady respects herself, all of these "problems" she is having in her dating life will disappear. That isn't to say that she won't ever get asked out by the likes of this jerk.... but that she will get better at shutting it down fast. For instance, if another one of these fools asks me out and arrives late to pick me up (because I am not picking anyone up again... done with it) and doesn't even let me know he will be late. It will be much easier to shoot him down at the door. I already have been on this ride at the park and I have no desire to go again.

      I guess what I am taking the long way around to say is that I NEEDED this experience in its entirety to find my voice. I needed to say all of those things to know that I can. I need to know that I can tell the truth to someone even if it hurts their feelings. Now that I know I can (and have done it), the next time it will come easier and faster.

      The bottom line was that I already knew it was a first and last date when I drove away from the house the first time. I said in the car just as I turned around, "And we just passed the first red flag." I fully expected there to be more. But, as you said about your date, I was ALREADY THERE. It would have been smarter to tell him he had that 15 minutes and I would wait in the car, but I was leaving in exactly 15 minutes with or without him. BUT, I didn't have my voice yet. I have it now. This experience has served me very well.

      I already know you are One of A Kind my friend. God broke the mold after he made you:D

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  25. That's the most difficult part it in, I suppose - to convince yourself (not you - me. hah) that you actually deserve something. Despite what you were taught (but I'm a bit too old now to blame parents, kind of passed that age when it's still allowed...).

    But, seriously - he still asked if you were going to have sex? o_O . WOW, this whole date is ....it could be totally in a movie. or, better yet, in a book :)

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  26. You're right, Robin. You deserve only the best and I'm so happy to read you stood your ground, established healthy boundaries and did what was right for YOU, not what he felt was best. This had me written all over it. There was a time in my marriage where I lost myself. My independence morphed into codependency which I thought happened over night (while I was recovering) but as the time passes and my recovery continues, I see it was a slow, torturous process. It was me that was to blame for not standing my ground and creating healthy boundaries. I tried to blame my hubby for EVERYTHING because I was too full of pride to accept any responsibility. Good for you, Robin!

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