I haven't written this sort of blog in well... ever.
Fasten your seat belts kids. It's about to get crazy in here.
I strongly recommend that you play the "mood music" above in order to appreciate the stage I am setting.
So, last Thursday night my mom and I went out for pizza and trivia at a local place. As we were leaving, this guy sitting alone tagged my mom and she started talking to him. I paid the bill. She was still talking to him. He was only a couple years older than I, good looking, and interested. In me, that is. Woah. For the last few years, I have avoided dating much like our ancestors avoided Black Plague. But, I am beginning to feel better and thought I *might* stick my little toe into the dating pool. You know, provided that the guy was right. So we chatted for a while, exchanged cell numbers, and then texted and talked for the last few days.
It seemed promising.
The key word is seemed.
I also decided that before meeting him would be an excellent time to read Steve Harvey's book on how men think when they are dating a woman. It is called Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man. I highly recommend it to all of you single ladies out there. It will blow your mind. Yes, men really do think differently than women. It is true. You will learn that a man must have three things nailed down before he is seeking to nail down a wife (he is always seeking to nail a woman... just sayin'). To quote Steve Harvey, "If men aren't pursuing their dreams - if we're not chasing the "who we are," the "what we do," and the "how much we make," we are doomed. Dead. But the moment that we figure out the puzzle and feel like our dreams are taking shape, new life breathes into us - it makes us vibrant, enthuses, and animates us....Encoded in the DNA of the male species is that we are to be the provider and the protector of the family, and everything we do is geared toward ensuring we make this happen.... So if this is on his mind, and he hasn't lined up the whole who he is, the what he does, and how much he makes in the way he sees fit, he can't possibly be to you what he wants to be." Woah. I had NO IDEA.
Steve Harvey goes on to talk about a man looking for a Relationship and a man who is Sport Fishing. The Sport Fisherman is looking to get laid. Period. And the person who decides if you are a sport fish, ladies, is YOU. You set up the boundaries and then the man decides if you are worth jumping through hoops for... or not. Chances are, if you respect you, then so will someone else. And you can weed through the keepers and the ones to throw back much easier. Steve Harvey makes it clear that if he is "into" you he will profess you (call you his lady, his girlfriend, the woman he plans to marry), provide for you (financially and otherwise), and protect you, so if someone gets all up in your face and you have a Real Man who loves you, be careful with that information... because he might rip someone's face off.
This was information I needed. Well, that and all of the reading I have done on Boundaries and becoming my own person (again). For instance, did you know that MOST people will do what is best for them in any given situation even it means hurting someone else? I knew it, but I didn't practice it. And that mistake was HUGE for me. Cost me damn near everything. There was a time when I would have laid the blame right at the feet of my ex-husband. Can't do that. I didn't have boundaries and I didn't stand up for myself. Me. Not him. He was a complete jerk, but I knew it and married him anyway. I had reasons, but they were NEVER good enough. I deserve a good person. I refuse to accept anything less.
So, back to this dude at the restaurant. We made plans to get together this afternoon. I was under the impression - because I ASSUMED - that his current lack of a running car was temporary and soon to be remedied. He talked about the various cars he'd looked at and why he hadn't bought one. He owns a small company, so I really thought money wasn't the issue. So, I volunteered to pick him up JUST THIS ONCE so we could meet and have a drink, maybe some dinner if it went well.
At 4:30 I am on his doorstep, ringing his bell, banging on his door, calling his phone, and eventually sending him a super pissed off text message from the safety of my car. He lives in a scary neighborhood and his neighbors across the street made me nervous. Then, after waiting the five minutes I said I'd wait, I drove off (you bet, mad as hell). He calls my phone when I hit the corner. Oh, I did leave him a message that said he better have fallen in his shower, because no other excuse was going to float with me. I should have stuck with that.
What did happen? He fell asleep. Now, knowing what I know now, that would have been a good time to leave and tell him to lose my number. BUT, it didn't happen that way. If it had, I would have missed out on the excellent opportunity to rediscover my voice..
He said he could be ready in 15 minutes.
2 hours later I am still sitting in the recliner watching him prance around half naked and, most likely, trek off to the kitchen, under the guise of getting ready, to down another beer. But, I did not know that at the time. Honestly, I had no idea that was what he was doing. I knew he'd had a few after I sat there for an hour, but I really didn't think he was still heavily drinking. *Wrong.*
So, we leave with plans still very vague in my mind. I told him that I just wanted to sit somewhere and talk. He has pull me into a convenience store. My light bulb is now on. I called my mom and told her to call me with an emergency in an hour. This date was a Big, Fat Bust and the dude is an alcoholic. Definitely.
He then suggests this nice restaurant on the water that I have been to once. So, when we get there I call mom from the bathroom to tell her to hold up on the call. I might get out of this okay. We had to wait 20 minutes for a table and I was hungry.
Soon as we get outside (I think to wait at the bar - *wrong again*) he starts searching for an empty table. I say, "J-----, we can't just sit at a table even it is empty. There is no waiter assigned to it. We have to wait for them to call us."
Then he says, "You will find out I have my OWN way of doing things." Sure enough, I found that out.
We end up down at the far bar where we would no longer hear our names to get a table while he scoped for an empty table that he thought he could snatch before a hostess seated someone else there. He ordered a beer. I ordered a sweet tea. I looked at a menu. He wasn't hungry. Every alcoholic I've ever known doesn't eat because they don't want to lose their Buzz. Two sips into my tea he starts something with another customer by being a complete jerk. I bury my head in the menu and pray for Samantha's powers on the show Bewitched so I can blink myself out of there. These two clowns are threatening to beat each other up and throw each other over the railing into the water before it's done. The other clown walked away while the one sitting next to me is shouting at his back. And that was when it happened.
I told him he was being an Asshole. Pardon my language. I rarely curse, but he was. And I told him so. I also told him he was an alcoholic and a mean drunk and one of us was paying for our drinks. And then I was leaving. And if he wanted a ride home, so was he. A meaner person would have left him there. I really wanted to leave him there, but that would have been "mean."
And after I said that first thing I felt, the fear of hurting someone's feelings ENDED. In fact, that was akin to unplugging a bathtub full of water. It all poured out (wait for it). He apologized in the car. And I said I knew he was sorry, but really it should have been expected. Alcoholics just act that way. I followed that gem up with the fact that we were never going out again because I refuse to allow any more toxic people into my life. He was ruined by alcohol and I told him so. And he could continue to make that unhealthy choice (who was I to stop him?) but I was done with the unhealthy choices for me. And that meant we were traveling different roads. Separately. Then he asked if were having sex later. And I said that we absolutely were not. I wasn't even going to kiss him. (He was really lucky I didn't stop the car and insist he get out at this point.) When I pulled up in front of his house he told me I was "mean" and not a very good Christian. And I told him I could live with his opinion on the matter because he was a drunk. Good-bye.
Right after I told him we weren't going anywhere, and before he asked about the Nonexistent Sex That Will Never Happen With Him, he launched into the sad story about his mother dying when he was four years old followed by his father shooting himself. He was raised by his sisters. It is/was a sad story. I told him that I felt badly, but I didn't feel badly enough to allow his toxicity into my life. Yes, I said hurtful things. Hurtful and true things. I called it just like I saw it. He is an alcoholic. He has taken everything good about himself and drowned it in booze. I also told him I wasn't down for that ride. If that makes me a mean person, I am --- for the first time--- fine with it. Great even.
I have a voice and I am not afraid to use it. Thank God. Thank God. Thank God.
Look out world.
I deserve a great guy. And I am not settling ever again.
What about you? Are you getting the love that you deserve or did you allow stinkin' thinkin' to cloud your judgment? If you aren't getting the love you deserve, only you can change it. Do it today. You are worth it!