HOUSE IS RIGHT; ANNE FRANK YOU ARE OUTTA HERE

Honestly, I wish one of you could smack me. As in Literally. Smack. Me.

Some people never learn. I think I just might be one of those people. Seriously. A dumbass. There really are times that you should keep your opinion to yourself even when it seems like someone wants your opinion. They don't. It only appears that they do. But, they don't. They really don't. Even what you give to them is basically a rehash of what they just said to you. Even if you are affirming what they said... they do not want that. All of the signs point to them wanting that, but they don't.

And I should know this. Because the territory that we are in is marital territory. Worse yet, it is rocky marital territory. And when the signs point to the husband being a real jerk to your friend (even if he is a sick jerk, which only makes it worse, for the record) you should keep your opinions to yourself. Even if those opinions sound supportive, it turns out they are not. Because sick husband has lots of pull and is trying to manipulate friend into life altering decisions. And those decisions are clearly not good for your friend, so you say so.

Bad idea.

Why? Because friend is angry at sick husband, but feels guilty about being angry at sick husband. However, once she thinks about what you have said, she can transfer all of that anger onto you. Even though the only things that you said were repeats, for the most part, of what she said. To be fair, I did come up with a possibly crazy idea that husband might have had that made him look very bad and was completely loco. However, husband is acting loco.

The other thing is that my friend is the nicest person I know. As in 100 times nicer than I am. And I got run over by a master manipulator. Her husband has her tied up in knots. Sounds like he is already doing some manipulating of his own. I know what it is like to get taken down. I just didn't want to see it happen to her. And in the process of trying to protect her... well, I think we really aren't talking anymore.

I sent her an apology email a month ago and told her that I just wanted to support her no matter what. Nothing.

I sent her an email this morning... long and detailed about the death of my aunt. She sent me back one sentence telling me that she was sorry and another that she was praying for me and my mother. Then she said that things were better at her house and included a sentence about her kids. Four sentences. My grief totaled four sentences for her. One I'm sorry. One pray for you and mom. And two more to let me know that her family was carrying on good as new.

I am losing my faith in people. I used to hold that Anne Frank quote close to the chest for dear life, "I still believe that people are good at heart." I am no longer convinced. I feel a lot more like Greg House on House, MD. "Everyone lies." He is a big believer in disappointment. You expect people to lie, cheat, etc. then you will not be disappointed. It is only when you raise the bar and have expectations that you flounder around in disappointment like jelly in a jar.

I am sitting here thinking about how to end this blog and wishing that I had the other point of view, her point of view, to close with, in order to give this all meaning. I pushed all of her concerns back at her so hard because they were valid and she needed to stand up for herself. Instead, she got so angry that she couldn't even stand up to ME. We have been best friends since the seventh grade. She met this man three years ago and got married after knowing him only a couple of months. If she can't stand up to me, who will love her forever and always, no matter what she says, how can she stand up to someone who she feels has no respect for her (her words)?

And why am I the person she is no longer speaking to and things are peachy with him?




image found on someone's facebook page.... hilarious. subject matter of this blog not at all funny.

THE POWER OF A TEACHER

Last night I had a conversation with my ex's son, C-Man, who is in the 6th grade, about math. Sort of. C-Man goes to a magnet school for fine arts, which is wonderful. This school places high expectations on the students, and so it should. C-Man has always been book-smart and prone to dramatics. In other words, I knew that this would be a good fit. C-Man's biggest problem in public school was being a big fish in a little pond. In other words, C-Man was too smart for his own good, and was bored. This has been an ongoing hurdle for C-Man to bear. A few months ago, everyone found out that C-Man hadn't turned in any homework, for any of his classes second semester, and might flunk out of school. The good news was that his test scores were great. This was strictly a homework issue. C-Man was smart, just not doing his homework. The irony was that C-Man would do academic, but non-homework related projects at home. The only thing that came to my mind was that he was bored by the homework. However, he really loves his school, and is now sufficiently frightened that he is doing it anyway.

Did you know that kids are doing algebra in 6th grade? I took algebra in 9th grade. I liked it and did well in it, but there is a huge difference between a 6th grade mind and a 9th grade mind. C-Man's teacher is going to start tutoring him on Thursdays after school in Math. C-Man is not happy about this. C-Man doesn't think he needs tutoring. C-Man gets all of the answers right. Why does C-Man need tutoring you ask? C-Man won't show his work. The teacher wants C-Man to write down all of the steps to solve the problem. My response is, "Well, do it."

C-Man says, "I know the answer just by looking at the problem AND he has more steps than I do. I can solve it in fewer steps and he doesn't like it. He says that my way is wrong. He wants me to do it his way, which is longer."

And here lies the quandary for every parent or parental role model, which is the category I fall into. Has C-Man shown him his steps and hit this wall already? Or is he assuming that the teacher will not like what he sees? What if C-Man shows him his steps and the teacher sees that C-Man is a brilliant mathematical mind in the making? The teacher already knows that C-Man can just look at the problem and solve it IN HIS HEAD. How do I make C-Man feel good about himself and still respect his teacher? Right now, C-Man is convinced that he knows MORE than his teacher and is giving his teacher attitude, which is not a good thing.

So, I take out some paper and put two dots on it. Each represent a specific place. Point A and Point B and then I draw lines. One line is the shortest distance between the points. The other line is slightly more curved. The straight line is the teacher's way of solving the problem. And the curvy line is C-Man's way of solving it. He disagrees. He thinks his line should the straight line. I mark an area on the teacher's line with xxx's, and tell him the reason he doesn't take that line is because it's under construction, and it slows him down. Therefore, the curvy line is faster. However, until he shows the teacher his curvy line, and explains to the teacher about the construction going down on the teacher's straight line, the two of them are not going to understand how the other one thinks. I followed that gem up with, "C-Man, your teacher went to college and majored in Math."


The whole time I'm thinking, "Please Mr. Math Teacher, don't be one of those people who squashes a child because he can. If the only real problem here is that C-Man is smarter than you and has found a faster way to solve a problem, don't penalize him. Don't break his spirit or make him feel small or less than or stupid when he isn't. I know that it must sting, him being twelve, and you being a grown man, if he's already surpassed you, but you can choose to help him flourish. Please choose that."

I am reminded, once again, by the great power that teachers wield. This one man, right now, has the power to boost the self-esteem of a young boy and, perhaps, light a fire that could make this world a much finer place. Or, he can blow out a candle, and we will never know what could have been.