Directionally Challenged (Smarty-Pants Terminology for Lost)

Funny thing happened on the way to this blog....

As I began working on it, a HERE'S TO YOU post began to take shape. I kid you not. So, I stopped doing THIS and started doing THAT. Which means saving videos to Favorites. Thinking about your posts. I think my psychic link is somewhat broken. Or flickering. Used to be that I'd read one of your posts and *voila* I'd just know the footage to go with it. Now, it happens sometimes, and I've been prone to linking you to the footage since a HERE'S TO YOU hasn't actually happened in a very long time. So, be on the lookout for a HERE'S TO YOU... maybe Friday.

Anyway, I wanted to tell you about a few things going on here. Last night I was so tired. Just drained really. I went to bed before 7pm. Right after dinner. This from the girl who often can't sleep at night. Anyway, I woke up rather a lot, but didn't get up until 9:00am or so. Can we say TIRED? Anyway, in the middle of the night I had this dream about my dad.

Me and My Dad

Honestly, I always love when my dad makes an appearance in my dreams. He was driving a van or minivan. I was in the backseat. He says something like, "Uh oh. I think I made a wrong turn. I just got off the interstate and now I'm not sure I can get back on." To which, I climb into the passenger seat, reach under the dash, and say, "No worries. I've got a GPS. We'll just plug it in."

And then I woke up.

For the record: NOT ME

Now, that is funny because I used to have literal panic attacks when I'd get lost. (Not anymore, but it was seriously an ISSUE for me.) I was thinking about this dream (again) in the shower (aka The Think Tank) trying to decipher the ins and outs of it. When my dad comes to talk, it MEANS something. Finally, I decided that he was representing my mom in this dream. It feels like she's driving "our" car and has taken a very bad wrong turn. Rather, many wrong turns. In the dream I wasn't worried because I had the GPS, the fix, the way out. In real life, I stay knotted up all the time because she won't accept my GPS, my fix, or my way out.

So what is Dad trying to tell me? Get out of the car? Force the GPS on her? Or just remain peaceful and centered inside because I will not get lost no matter how many wrong turns she makes? It feels terrible, but it will be okay.

So, what was I doing on YouTube?

Well, I'm still trying to take you on the Train tour. This was a band that was also in need of some GPS. I think I can safely say they felt directionally challenged after the failure of For Me, It's You (2005). So much so that the band went on "hiatus" and Pat Monahan recorded a solo album, Last of Seven, in 2007. So, now several years have passed; it's now 2009. That's a long time and many people thought Train was dead after For Me, It's You. Then they release Save Me, San Francisco.

Pat said this about this amazing come-back of an album:

"(It was), 'Let's just make this record from our hearts and not worry about the rest. Let's just do this because we love it.' When we started go from that angle, it made us make better music and write better songs, feel better about things. Before anyone heard the record we felt like we were successful. And for maybe the first time in our careers, we stopped trying to write hit songs and were coming from a place of love."

I've made the statement that I hold fast to regarding the song by same name as the album (in this case, Save Me, San Francisco) as embodying the "feel" of the album. As someone who feels like I could use some direction or a "save," this song is keeping time with my life.



Train wouldn't know it at the time this album was recorded, but it was a LONG time before they recorded the next. California 37 was still quite a few years off. So, they lived on this album (and this album tour) for years. So, I'm going to stretch this album out a bit. But, always keep in the back of your mind that every song on this album is a search for their sound. Their selves. Their independence and their interdependence. So many of the things we all spend much of our own lives seeking. Heck, I'm still looking.

Where do I end and my mother begin? At what point do her problems become my problems and vice versa? We can't navigate this life without affecting the people around us. Sometimes we're being saved and sometimes we're saving and sometimes we're just working on our swimming skills. But, let's face it, we're never standing still. And, as FAE, said so eloquently in the comments of my last post: "Whenever I'm blue thinking how someone, especially someone important, disappointed me; I think of all the possible disappointment I've caused others, by simply being myself." Did that feel like a sucker punch? Don't look at me. I'm just quoting another brilliant mind!

Have you been high, been low? Have you been yes or oh hell no? What about rock 'n roll and disco? Have you been up, been down? Been lost when someone's not around? What about reggae or calypso? Have you been stop, been go? Have you been yes or oh hell no? Rock 'n roll and disco?

I've definitely been Oh Hell No!

HOUSE IS RIGHT; ANNE FRANK YOU ARE OUTTA HERE

Honestly, I wish one of you could smack me. As in Literally. Smack. Me.

Some people never learn. I think I just might be one of those people. Seriously. A dumbass. There really are times that you should keep your opinion to yourself even when it seems like someone wants your opinion. They don't. It only appears that they do. But, they don't. They really don't. Even what you give to them is basically a rehash of what they just said to you. Even if you are affirming what they said... they do not want that. All of the signs point to them wanting that, but they don't.

And I should know this. Because the territory that we are in is marital territory. Worse yet, it is rocky marital territory. And when the signs point to the husband being a real jerk to your friend (even if he is a sick jerk, which only makes it worse, for the record) you should keep your opinions to yourself. Even if those opinions sound supportive, it turns out they are not. Because sick husband has lots of pull and is trying to manipulate friend into life altering decisions. And those decisions are clearly not good for your friend, so you say so.

Bad idea.

Why? Because friend is angry at sick husband, but feels guilty about being angry at sick husband. However, once she thinks about what you have said, she can transfer all of that anger onto you. Even though the only things that you said were repeats, for the most part, of what she said. To be fair, I did come up with a possibly crazy idea that husband might have had that made him look very bad and was completely loco. However, husband is acting loco.

The other thing is that my friend is the nicest person I know. As in 100 times nicer than I am. And I got run over by a master manipulator. Her husband has her tied up in knots. Sounds like he is already doing some manipulating of his own. I know what it is like to get taken down. I just didn't want to see it happen to her. And in the process of trying to protect her... well, I think we really aren't talking anymore.

I sent her an apology email a month ago and told her that I just wanted to support her no matter what. Nothing.

I sent her an email this morning... long and detailed about the death of my aunt. She sent me back one sentence telling me that she was sorry and another that she was praying for me and my mother. Then she said that things were better at her house and included a sentence about her kids. Four sentences. My grief totaled four sentences for her. One I'm sorry. One pray for you and mom. And two more to let me know that her family was carrying on good as new.

I am losing my faith in people. I used to hold that Anne Frank quote close to the chest for dear life, "I still believe that people are good at heart." I am no longer convinced. I feel a lot more like Greg House on House, MD. "Everyone lies." He is a big believer in disappointment. You expect people to lie, cheat, etc. then you will not be disappointed. It is only when you raise the bar and have expectations that you flounder around in disappointment like jelly in a jar.

I am sitting here thinking about how to end this blog and wishing that I had the other point of view, her point of view, to close with, in order to give this all meaning. I pushed all of her concerns back at her so hard because they were valid and she needed to stand up for herself. Instead, she got so angry that she couldn't even stand up to ME. We have been best friends since the seventh grade. She met this man three years ago and got married after knowing him only a couple of months. If she can't stand up to me, who will love her forever and always, no matter what she says, how can she stand up to someone who she feels has no respect for her (her words)?

And why am I the person she is no longer speaking to and things are peachy with him?




image found on someone's facebook page.... hilarious. subject matter of this blog not at all funny.