The Soundtrack of My Life, This Is What Marriage Looks Like (and BoTB results)

Before we get to the actual post for today, I've got some BoTB results to post for you. The song was Orange Colored Sky and the contenders were Natalie Gauci and Michael Buble. This was one of the most interesting battles here on this ole blog in a long time. For the longest time it was back and forth with the vote, but then Natalie Gauci pulled ahead and Michael Buble simply couldn't catch her. The final tally without my vote:

Natalie Gauci: 15

Michael Buble: 9

I'm with the majority on this one. I thought Natalie Gauci blew it out of the park. However, that isn't to say that I didn't/don't enjoy the Michael Buble version. In other words, no matter how this turned out, I'd have been fine with it. Two very fine versions of a wonderful song.

If you didn't read the last Soundtrack post, I suggest you back up one. This is really an extension of that one.

Okay, so you're caught up, right? It's sophomore year and my parents are divorcing. Here's the "rest of the story" that you really need to know for everything that comes down the line to make sense. I said in a previous post that I had no good role models for how "good marriage works."

My parents: My father was wonderful with my brother and I. Always willing to talk and listen. Not so much with my mom. I don't know when they quit trying, but I know it grieved my mother greatly. There were times she'd stand in the bathroom and cry while we were both getting ready in the morning. At the time, I was sure it was something I'd done (but I had no idea what and wasn't brave enough to ask). Turns out, it was just the gulf between her and my dad. One that she never could cross. He was distant and cold, and I suspect the harder she tried to bridge it, the faster he ran for higher ground. That would be Model #1 on Marriage.

My grandparents: My grandpa was horribly abusive to my grandma. In point of fact, abuse ran all the way down my grandma's family tree. Her mother, my great grandmother, had seven sisters. Every last one of them married an abusive man. Some were alcoholics. Others not. None of them nice. On visits to their house, I'd listen to my grandma give my mom the update on "the sisters," and it was one case of abuse after another. For my grandma, this was the "normal" way to live. She was surrounded by abuse and accepted it from my grandpa daily. It was very hard to watch. That would be Model #2 on Marriage.

My dad's mom (nanny) and that whole side of the family really: My dad's mother divorced five times. As did her mother (my great grandmother), which was unheard of in those days. My aunt was divorced for the third time (I think) most of my life. But she had boyfriends who came and went. So, it was the opposite end of the spectrum over there. There was a lot of kicking to the curb happening and a strict No Tolerance Policy of... well anything. I think the lesson was "leave them before they can leave you"... or something like that. That would be Model #3 on Marriage.

It's all really messed up. I know it.

Then there's my own takeaway on what love looks like: If it doesn't hurt, it isn't love. I guess I pulled all of those scenarios together, and that's what I decided on. How do I know this? Well, if it wasn't hurting me, I didn't trust it. Of course, when it hurt too much, I had to leave it. But, the only thing I had any faith in was the storm.

Like I said, messed up.

Now, given that, you'd think I'd hate this song, but I LOVE it. And the video is freakin' awesome.






Have you noticed how the relationships of those closest to you influenced your own choices? Were you lucky enough to have good role models or have you, too, been trying to overcome faulty belief systems?


If you're enjoying these posts, feel free to share your own Soundtrack. This isn't a hop. No requirements at all, but a suggestion to do it one song at a time. (If you participated in the hop several years ago, you can still do this. Just post them one song at a time, with the freedom to add more songs if you'd like.) I'll link to all participants at the bottom of each of these posts:

StMcC Presents BATTLE OF THE BANDS

Cherdo on the Flipside 

Holli's Hoots and Hollers

The Soundtrack of My Life, Going Through The Big "D" (and I don't mean Dallas)

If you participated in Battle of the Bands (June 1 post... and still time to vote!) than you know that we've slipped into my sophomore year at college.

My parents decided to divorce my sophomore year. When I originally wrote this post, the way I remembered it was that my dad sent me a letter letting me know that he and mom were divorcing. Turns out I keep a lot of shizzle, and when I was making scrapbooks I taped all of that shizzle in there... including the letter from dad. After reading the letter (again), I realized the letter was a follow-up to a phone conversation in which they dropped the bomb. But, all of these years later all I remembered was the letter. The brain is a weird place. If you don't believe me on that, you need to read some of my older blog posts. They confirm it.

Here's the proof that I did get a phone call and then a letter:

Click to enlarge

Here's the bizarre thing about my parents divorcing: I was expecting it. I'd known it was going to happen since junior high school and I watched the movie Heaven Can Wait. If you've seen that movie, do you remember the scene when the Warren Beatty character takes the Julie Christie character out to dinner? At the end of the evening he drops her off at her hotel. As she's walking up the stairs he calls from the parking lot, "My wife and I are getting a divorce."

She replies, "But you're not even separated."

He says, "Sure we are. It's a big house."

Granted, in that movie said wife was desperately trying to kill the Warren Beatty character for his money. It wasn't like that in my house. No one was plotting murder, and the house wasn't all that big. BUT, my parents lived very separate lives. In fact, there was a distinct lack of conversation. My parents could go for weeks without saying anything other than, "Pass the salt."

So, they didn't divorce because they argued all the time. They didn't. They simply didn't connect any more on any level, and even I knew it.

So, what was shocking about this turn of events? They did it before I expected. I really thought they'd wait until my brother graduated high school (and me college). So, I thought I had a few more years to adjust myself to the idea. I also thought it wasn't going to be "that big a deal" when it finally happened.

Boy, was I wrong.

If I thought I was in a spin freshman year, I learned what spin really was my sophomore year. I even wrote a research paper on divorce and why it happens. The whole world felt upended and my faith in the "lastingness" of relationships was at all-time low. Honestly, I'm not sure that it ever really recovered, because I still am amazed when someone says they're happily married after a whole lotta years. How do they do that???? What I learned in my research was that they do stuff together, take an interest in the other person's interests, and genuinely like one another. (You can understand something intellectually and still not really grasp it, if you know what I mean.)

What I'm trying to say is that knowing on a theoretical level what keeps people together and what drives them apart didn't change a whole lot for me. I was still messed up.

Just when you think that you know it all
You'll never fall and that it's all good
And you're gonna win again, it's a sin, that's gonna mess you up

Just when you think that you can't be touched
You're on your way up you think you're too much
That's gonna mess you up, it's your ego, your mojo, out of control

That's gonna mess you up, life has a way
To put you in your place if it needs to
That's gonna mess you up, leave yourself behind

Look around you'll find, it ain't all about you
In the end it's who you loved and who loved you
If it ain't the heart and soul stuff, that's gonna mess you up

Just when you thought that the girl was yours
She stuck it to you with a note on the door
Sayin' all take and no give, boy that ain't no way to live

She left you high and dry in the middle of the night
'Cause you didn't treat her right, that's gonna mess you up
You neglected, she rejected, should've expected

That's gonna mess you up, life has a way
To put you in your place if it needs to
That's gonna mess you up, leave yourself behind

Look around you'll find, it ain't all about you
In the end it's who you loved and who loved you
If it ain't the heart and soul stuff, that's gonna mess you up

That's gonna mess you up, life has a way
To put you in your place if it needs to
That's gonna mess you up, leave yourself behind

Look around you'll find, it ain't all about you
In the end it's who you loved and who loved you
If it ain't the heart and soul stuff, that's gonna mess you up

Have you ever been through a divorce? Your parents? Your grandparents? How did you cope?

H IS FOR HERO

You have no idea how many ways I could go with this post.  I could ramble on about my love for Bonnie Tyler and the song.  I could tell you how awesome said song was in the movie Footloose, and how I can still picture in my mind's eye Kevin Bacon, as Ren McCormick, on that tractor with his shoelace caught in the pedal in a very scary game of Tractor Chicken.  All the while, this song was blaring in the background.  Man, I loved the Footloose soundtrack.  Heck, I loved the movie.  Knew I would love it as soon as the shoes went tapping across the screen at the movie theatre. 

Or, I could relate an obsession with superheroes that started when I was just a kid.  Show me a cartoon and it better have a superhero in it.  The Justice League was my favorite.  And I thought I would die when Lynda Carter played Wonder Woman in the 70s.  Die of spinning in circles, that is.  I really thought I might turn into Supergirl if I spun around long enough, despite the fact that I wasn't an Amazon, and didn't grow up on Island full of women with special powers.  Go figure.

The thing is that all of these things did influence my way of thinking.  I bought into the Idea of All of it.  Even though in my world NONE of it was true.  I didn't actually have any good role models to base relationships.  My grandparents had been married forever, but my grandfather treated my grandmother horribly.  He was a verbal and emotional abuser to everyone in the family.  My other grandmother was divorced five times (as was her mother before her).  That was practically unheard of in those days!!!  My father's side of the family seemed to be looking to set some sort of record.  Not really sure.  They were the "we aren't taking any crap here crowd."  While my mom's side took nothing but crap.  And my parents rarely spoke to one another.  It was all very civil.  There were weeks that they could speak to one another and say nothing more other than, "What's for dinner?" or "Pass the salt."  And I am not joking.  So, I had abuse on one side.  We don't take no crap, we just divorce your ass on the other (pardon my language, but it does get that way sometimes here).  And the happy medium was total shutdown: the way to get along is not speaking.  Total non-communication.  And just for kicks and giggles, my dad was a social worker.  He helped OTHER PEOPLE sort through their problems.  I never got that one since my parents' solution was NOT talking.

So... it isn't surprising that my first boyfriend had verbally abusive tendencies.  Before that, he inflicted other sorts of pain that I just kept coming back for... don't ask me why.  However, the first always explains the latter.  It took me seven years to leave that relationship.  Yeah, that is a head scratcher.  Then, it was almost seven years of what I call "Seinfeld dating."  Those dates were virtually one or two time dates.  Why?  Because the guy did something that annoyed me like eating his peas one at a time at dinner.  Yeah, like that.  Seinfeld dates.  I would just sit there thinking, "Can I spend the rest of my life like this watching this bonehead eating his peas one at time?  This is driving me bananas."  So, the answer was clearly no.  Did I ever explain why there was no second date?  No.  Just moved on...

And then I realized I was in my mid-30s and Robert Downey, Jr. got thrown into jail over drugs.  That caused the Ally and Larry relationship on Ally McBeal to go off the rails, and Ally never recovered.  Ally spun out completely, and so did I.  I know that sounds insane, but that is how that went down.  And the next yo-yo that asked me out and drove me insane with all his junkola... I continued to go out with him.  Previously, I would have ended it.  It made me Crazy.  I knew that he had more going on in the Minus Column than in the Positive Column, but I was 32.  30 freaking 2.  I wanted KIDS.  My.Clock.Is.Ticking.Like.This.

And all of that Holding Out For A Hero that I had been doing went right out Window.  Instead, I married my Grandfather.  Obviously, not my actual Grandfather, but someone just like him.  A verbal and emotional abuser.  Oh, the damage we weave when first we settle.  Yeah, I know I changed the saying. 

Did I know that he was going to be as bad as turned out to be?  No.  Did I think I could handle the situation?  Maybe even change him?  Yes.  Most importantly, were their signs as to the content of his character before the marriage?  Yes.  I would say more so after the engagement than when we were dating.  But, there was time to call it off.  I had alarm bells ringing in my head for months.  You can call those alarm bells, or that Inner Voice, or Your Gut, whatever you want.  Personally, I think it is God.  I believe that God talks to us every day if we only open our ears and listen.  And God tried for months before I said I DO to get me to rethink that position and say I DON'T. 

However, I was determined to take the class.  And my ex-husband was a very hard teacher.  It's just a shame I didn't get the entire lesson plan, because I had to take the class AGAIN with another teacher.  You will hear more about that when we get to the letter "W."  Life lessons are really hard (which is why they are called lessons and not good times). 

Listen to your Inner Voice.  Being alone with someone else is worse than being alone by yourself.  If you are in an abusive situation, get out now.  I eventually learned the power of "No."  That one took a long time.  Taking back your Personal Power is one of longest roads a person who has been abused (verbally, emotionally, and/or physically) will have to walk to get back to themselves.  However, it feels incredible.  And now, I truly am...  

image found on facebook... naturally.


Did you have good role models in your family to form healthy relationships?  Have you ever been in an abusive relationship of any kind?  If so, what did that relationship teach you about yourself?  Have you forgiven yourself for allowing yourself to go down that road?  Have you ever identified or even over-identified with a character on TV or in a movie?  Did your dating years ever feel like a TV show?  Did you ever settle for a wrong relationship simply because you were tired of looking?  Have you learned to listen to your Inner Voice?  Have you ever gone through a process of taking back your Personal Power?  How did that feel?