Forgiveness is one of those things you think that you have a handle on, and then *bam* you realize you don't. Not.At.All. Once again, you are floundering around like a two year old in a kiddie pool.
The irony is that I do get it. You have to do it or it will eat you up inside. Not forgiving doesn't hurt anyone but you. Letting something go is best for YOU. I understand all of the logical points of the thing.
I have been on the receiving side of this particular punching bag on several occasions to know that several things can stand in your way.
- Being subjected to the same crap over and over makes it impossible to let it go because it keeps coming round again. As soon as you think you've let the last thing go, a variation on a theme comes along to smack you in the face. Metaphorically, that is.
- Forgiving, but sticking it out with the person who did it in the person in the first place, creates all manner of problems. You still have lack of trust, lack of respect, and a loss of love that I personally don't believe ever can be replaced.
- These have been replaced with paranoia, a deep-seated belief that the person will do it again, and an even deeper seated belief that they are just not a very good person.
- Flying in the face of that is your little voice that says everyone makes mistakes and deserves second chances.
- However, anything you see, anything that smacks of anything, that speaks to lack of contrition for what they did to wreak damage on your household, you are back to Square One. All of the progress in Letting It Go, etc. is over. Suddenly, it all feels like a lie. Again.
The difference is that there was a lifetime of abuse in that situation. And I didn't feel guilty after. I didn't feel like I needed forgiveness for what I did. I just called it as I saw it. Granted, it created a rift that was never sealed over. But I was okay with it. He was not a good person and I didn't need to be close to him. I did what I felt was right and I never looked back.
This is a constant, daily migraine enhancer.
Our Work is always to figure out our job. In the past, the only way I could beat these situations was to completely walk away. That is not an option this time. My other choice is to truly believe that he is penitent about what he has done. That is the road that my mother is taking. There are a few other things that he could do that would make me feel more confident about traveling that road. I was confident yesterday and then I wasn't. And that tells you that I am still on shaky ground on that road.
My mother says that I could practice see no evil and hear no evil a bit better, so that I would feel better. In other words, deliberately shut myself off from potentially overhearing ANYTHING, and certainly don't go looking for anything incriminating. In other words, barricade myself even more thoroughly into my study and bedroom.
My problem is that I know myself. If you say that you are sorry, then I expect you to truly be sorry, and your actions to reflect that. If you aren't sorry, then I don't want you to say it. I don't like lip service. I have heard a lot of lip service in my time. I am also familiar with internet cheaters. (Hello Flash!) And I just don't know that I can stop myself from snooping if he gives me enough cause. My mother would never do it. But I am not my mother. There are certain people that you go to the mat for, whether they ask or not, even if they know that they need it or not, and my mother will always be one of them. Until the day comes that I am cold and dead, she is one of those people for me.
In the meantime, this whole thing is giving me one heck of a migraine.
I hope that it goes without saying that I hope it doesn't come down to any of that. I hope he straightens up and flies right. I hope I stop getting these vibes. I really need to work on my forgiveness before my migraines rip my head right off my shoulders. Stress is a killer.
