Thursday, March 29, 2012

We're Here Again???

Forgiveness is one of those things you think that you have a handle on, and then *bam* you realize you don't. Not.At.All. Once again, you are floundering around like a two year old in a kiddie pool.

The irony is that I do get it. You have to do it or it will eat you up inside. Not forgiving doesn't hurt anyone but you. Letting something go is best for YOU. I understand all of the logical points of the thing.

I have been on the receiving side of this particular punching bag on several occasions to know that several things can stand in your way.
  • Being subjected to the same crap over and over makes it impossible to let it go because it keeps coming round again. As soon as you think you've let the last thing go, a variation on a theme comes along to smack you in the face. Metaphorically, that is.
  • Forgiving, but sticking it out with the person who did it in the person in the first place, creates all manner of problems. You still have lack of trust, lack of respect, and a loss of love that I personally don't believe ever can be replaced.
  • These have been replaced with paranoia, a deep-seated belief that the person will do it again, and an even deeper seated belief that they are just not a very good person.
  • Flying in the face of that is your little voice that says everyone makes mistakes and deserves second chances.
  • However, anything you see, anything that smacks of anything, that speaks to lack of contrition for what they did to wreak damage on your household, you are back to Square One. All of the progress in Letting It Go, etc. is over. Suddenly, it all feels like a lie. Again.
If you are wondering why I don't just leave, it is because this was only indirectly done to me. I don't get to make the choice to leave. I have to come to terms with this because I live here. But this was done to my mother. And only she can make the choice to leave. It all reminds me of this. Kinda.

The difference is that there was a lifetime of abuse in that situation. And I didn't feel guilty after. I didn't feel like I needed forgiveness for what I did. I just called it as I saw it. Granted, it created a rift that was never sealed over. But I was okay with it. He was not a good person and I didn't need to be close to him. I did what I felt was right and I never looked back.

This is a constant, daily migraine enhancer.

Our Work is always to figure out our job. In the past, the only way I could beat these situations was to completely walk away. That is not an option this time. My other choice is to truly believe that he is penitent about what he has done. That is the road that my mother is taking. There are a few other things that he could do that would make me feel more confident about traveling that road. I was confident yesterday and then I wasn't. And that tells you that I am still on shaky ground on that road.

My mother says that I could practice see no evil and hear no evil a bit better, so that I would feel better. In other words, deliberately shut myself off from potentially overhearing ANYTHING, and certainly don't go looking for anything incriminating. In other words, barricade myself even more thoroughly into my study and bedroom.

My problem is that I know myself. If you say that you are sorry, then I expect you to truly be sorry, and your actions to reflect that. If you aren't sorry, then I don't want you to say it. I don't like lip service. I have heard a lot of lip service in my time. I am also familiar with internet cheaters. (Hello Flash!) And I just don't know that I can stop myself from snooping if he gives me enough cause. My mother would never do it. But I am not my mother. There are certain people that you go to the mat for, whether they ask or not, even if they know that they need it or not, and my mother will always be one of them. Until the day comes that I am cold and dead, she is one of those people for me.

In the meantime, this whole thing is giving me one heck of a migraine.

I hope that it goes without saying that I hope it doesn't come down to any of that. I hope he straightens up and flies right. I hope I stop getting these vibes. I really need to work on my forgiveness before my migraines rip my head right off my shoulders. Stress is a killer.


  1. and all that reminded me of this:
    "When people show you who they are, believe them.'
    A cheater is a cheater is a cheater.
    A beater is a beater is a beater.
    A liar is a liar is a liar.

    Remorse is shown through actions, not words.
    There is no biblical cause to forgive a person who apologizes but turns out to be a lying sack of crap. Not really sure what this is in reference to...but mentally, verbally or physically abusive people need to be extracted from your life. Not seeing it or not hearing it does not fix the problem. It only prolongs it. I hope things iron out. If not, then it's a good thing your mom has someone to go to the mat for her. She may need it.

  2. Oh, honey, you are singin' my song!!! Whether it's been done to me (and as we all know, I offered compassion and forgiveness until I couldn't trust in his words, in him, in us anymore), or whether I watch it being done to others, EVERY SINGLE WORD you write above is the essence of truth about the situation. Piece by piece, you lose trust, faith, respect, affection, love. And don't just mean it when you say it - if you really mean it, you back it up. "I'm sorry" means I'm truly and genuinely sorry, not just "I know this is what I should say in the moment, but nothing is going to change." Oh, I could rant on, but will spare you ... you already know, you wise woman ....

  3. Sweet Robin...I'm so sorry to hear that you and your mom are going through all of this chaos. You guys are in a difficult spot and my thoughts and prayers are with you. Wrapping you in love sweetie. BTW, I've read several of your posts and you have some good writing going on over here....Big hugs...XOXO


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