In turn, that made me think about the post itself. If you missed it, you can read it here. This post won't make all that much sense if you don't...
My father always used to say that anger wasn't a valid emotion. Why do I remember this? Because every time I was "mad" about something he would say that I needed to dig a little deeper. Mad wasn't valid. It was just the veneer covering up something else. Naturally. More often than not, that something else was hurt feelings. You could always dig a little deeper to get to the whys and wherefores, but that was usually the crux of the matter. Funny (or not) how often we had that little conversation. All depends upon your perspective, I suppose.
After so many years of H-Girl hurting my feelings I had built up immunity. I went into this Christmas EXPECTING her to do it. And she didn't. In fact, she surprised me by being the opposite of what I expected. I didn't expect C-Man to do it and he did and I got mad. In fact, I got really mad. It isn't that I love him more. I don't. I just don't have an immunity built up. And the more you love people, the more you give them the power to hurt you. No one can hurt you without your consent.
And it was like I said in the blog explaining what those gifts were: they were ME. Many of those things were what I treasured most when I was their age. And still do. They are actually parts of ME. And they were mocked, scorned, ridiculed, and laughed at like they were nothing. Actually less than nothing. So, yeah it hurt.
And Miss Liza might be right that one day C-Man might understand what those things meant to me. But, right now he can't even keep up with where his cell phone is. So, I don't hold much hope of his being able to actually find any of these items when the awareness sinks into his brain, if it ever does. The books will likely be in a library, Goodwill, or the local landfill. And all of the cartoons that I painstakingly cut out will definitely be lining a trash can. And the quote that I so painstakingly wrote out in calligraphy... who knows where it will be? However, I highly doubt C-Man's ability to be able to find it when "the light" comes on.
I made a judgment call here. C-Man is 15. H-Girl is 14. I was at a place where I didn't have much to give for Christmas but me, and that is what I did. I was counting on them being mature enough to understand what they were being given. I asked a bit more of C-Man. He was older and had exhibited more maturity to date. I made the wrong call. So, maybe the fault lies with me. The treasures were mine. I am the adult. I could have just said that there will be no gifts this year and made that call. It wouldn't have made me the most popular, but there are all kinds of lessons. They would have still gotten the stuff. I would have just saved it for a time when they were equipped to appreciate it. Of course, that would have denied H-Girl her opportunity to shine. And she hasn't done that in a really long time.
Seems to me this is another round of Lessons. Maybe we all had to take one for the team in order for H-Girl to shine on this one.
image found on facebook
