DAY 12: DEAR SO AND SO

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." ~Eleanor Roosevelt

Today's letter is for the person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain. Oh boy. Brad Paisley had a cutesy song out a few years ago with this same sort of theme. Somehow, I just don't see this letter working out like that. If you didn't see where this letter was going before, I bet you can see where this is going now...

Dear Me,

You have always been ambivalent about that Eleanor Roosevelt quote, haven't you? Why? Because you have felt its truth since the seventh grade. Wouldn't you love to say that the person who caused you the most pain in junior high school was your bully? Yes, I would love to say that. Now you know that all it would have taken is laughing in her face one time and your pain would have ended; you could have taken back your power at any time. That hurts doesn't it. Like a snake bite. Yes, it hurts. And those people in gym who knocked you down going for the ball. You could have been prepared and purposely ran into them instead. Gone offensive instead of playing defensive. You allowed them to make you feel inferior. That stings doesn't it? Like the bites of a hundred bees... all at once. It set you on this course of reactive behavior instead of proactive behavior. Has that been helpful to you? No, it has really sucked. How bad? Like a bottle of tequila with lemons. And all of the puking that comes after. It's terrible going down and disgusting on the return trip. Yeah, that is pretty bad. It's even worse if it's on the floor of a dirty bathroom that isn't yours into a toilet that hasn't been cleaned in... shall we say, too long. I remember. How can you forget? It's burned into your brain like a brand. Okay, got it.

How has this worked out for you in your relationships? Well, that is how the tequila came into play. Right. Alcoholic therapy for bad relationship mistakes. And there were lots of these? Oh yeah. A lot of them with the same person. Over and over. And why did you do this? Because you loved him. And he kept coming and going. There was a lot of going, which led to a lot of drinking. And then there was just the incidental drinking with friends. Can't blame it all on the boyfriends. So, we are now in a pattern of thinking that love = leaving. That is not very healthy, Robin. No, but it is the only love I have known. You do know that you must break this pattern. I think that I have finally done that. It has taken an excessively long amount of time to convince my brain that love does not in fact = leaving. But, I think I am there. I think that is why Mr. Electric came along. I really loved him and he emotionally left four years ago. It took me four years to finally convince myself that he really does not love me, and that love did not = leaving. And I let him go. Leaving is, in fact, leaving. I know four years is a long time, but reality has set in. I am not waiting for him to call anymore.

Well, Mr. Electric is the tip of your relationship iceberg mistakes. *sigh* I have spent years some time thinking about The Operator and Flash and where I went wrong. I think I have narrowed it down to the most important points. Both of these men were good talkers. In fact, I think that they have sold themselves a false bill of goods on some of their own baggage, because they are convincing. I know that everyone puts their best foot forward when they meet someone for the first time. No one is going to meet someone and open with their worst stuff, but eventually you have to share the *not so great stuff about you* and hope that the other stuff compensates. These guys both presented a facade that simply wasn't true, but was very attractive. Each time the facade cracked and the "real" person showed through, it left me scratching my head. They quickly realized what they had done and did damage control. However, I was soon asking myself the Million Dollar Question. Is the real guy behind Door #1 or Door #2? You want the real guy to be the one you are falling in love with, the good guy, the one behind Door #1, so you sell yourself a false bill of goods.

When you learned that the guy was behind Door #2 it took you way too long to leave in both instances. You cannot afford to sell yourself on Door #2 ever again. The longer you stay, the worse it gets. I hope you learned this lesson, because I am not sure you can stand another round: your feelings are important. Do not allow yourself to be manipulated into staying in a relationship that you know is bad for you, because someone else says that they want or need you. Do not listen if they say that you are responsible for their future actions if you leave. You are not. That is wrong. The only person you are responsible to take care of is you. Someone who would say that to you is deceitful and doesn't really care about you. Run, do not walk away from this relationship.

Robin, every person who has done you damage has been able to do it because you didn't pay attention to your gut. Your brain was screaming *danger* and you just kept walking into the fire. You have amazing intuition and you didn't listen to it. If you are in a relationship with a friend, or with someone that you hope turns into something more, listen to your instincts. They won't steer you wrong.

When you do find people who give as much as you do into a relationship, be it a friendship, or the "other" kind, do not be afraid to love with an open hand and heart. Those are the people who are worth your time and your effort. Don't allow the pain of past relationships to destroy the relationships you have yet to build. People who care and give as much as you do are worth it. Don't forget that.

Love,
Me


image filched from Miss Angie at My So-Called Chaos

KEEP THE CHANGE

I've already devoted an entire blog to Miss Fishcher, my English teacher in 11th grade, over a month ago (see THE FISCHER QUEEN) because she was an amazing teacher. Today I was reminded of this letter that she had us all write to ourselves at the end of the school year. Try as I might, I couldn't recall what mine said. I do remember Miss Fischer saying that it could appear in our mailboxes, unexpectedly, at any time in our futures, just to remind us of who we are "right now." As I write this blog, I cannot help but wish that letter would appear in my mailbox today....or tomorrow... or next week. I already know that if I ever receive it, it will make me say things like, "I can't believe I wrote that! What was I thinking?" On the plus side, it will also make me say things like, "I remember that. I miss that. That was THE BEST DAY, THE BEST TIME, THAT WAS SOOOO FUNNY. I had the best friends."

I already know that it won't sound remotely like anything I write today. I have moved enough times and gone through enough boxes of "old stuff" to have discovered that. Each time I come across a box of high school memorobilia (i.e. notes and yearbooks and play/concert programs), I can't bring myself to throw any of it out. Instead, I read it all. That one box takes three hours to go through and I pitch nothing. The notes are the best. They are all about stuff I mostly don't remember. Sometimes there are references to "major" things, but usually there is a lot of talk about clothes/shoes and should I or shouldn't I cut my hair and crushes on this boy or that boy. It all makes me laugh. Those "problems" seemed so big at the time. I would love to have should I or shouldn't I cut my hair be topping my Things To Think About List.

Miss Fischer knew something that we didn't: life was going to get more complicated after high school. Grown ups get perks, but they get matching acccessories (aka problems). I started to wonder if maybe I shouldn't take a time-out today and hand write a letter to me for five, ten, fifteen, or twenty years from now. Maybe there's something about this living thing that I could still learn from Miss Fischer right here in the present.


The more I thought about Miss Fischer, the more I remembered how much she loved Henry David Thoreau. In fact, if my memory was at all accurate, I think she was inspired by him to spend some solitary time in the woods herself, just to see if there was anything to that whole business. I think there was, because she really admired the man. I didn't trot off to the woods this morning, but I did google H.D.T. and all of that time in the woods gave him clarity. I would be happy to have just ONE stellar quote in the history books. He has pages. I went through and picked some of my favorites (okay, I picked more than I planned on, but you wouldn't believe how MUCH there was to choose from!), but this is what spoke to me today. What is amazing is that if I had looked it up tomorrow, you could be looking at an entirely different set of quotes. Isn't that kind of awesome?




I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived.

If a man does not keep pace with his companions, perhaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music which he hears, however measured or far away.

Friends... they cherish one another's hopes. They are kind to one another's dreams.

Could a greater miracle take place than for us to look through each other's eyes for an instant?



Every man casts a shadow; not his body only, but his imperfectly mingled spirit. This is his grief. Let him turn which way he will, it falls opposite to the sun; short at noon, long at eve. Did you never see it?

As a single footstep will not make a path on the earth, so a single thought will not make a pathway in the mind. To make a deep physical path, we walk again and again. To make a deep mental path, we must think over and over the kind of thoughts we wish to dominate our lives.

Ignorance and bungling with love are better than wisdom and skill without.

It is usually the imagination that is wounded first, rather than the heart; it being much more sensitive.



Most men lead lives of quiet desperation and go to the grave with the song still in them.

Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves.

There is one consolation in being sick; and that is the possibility that you may recover to a better state than you were ever in before.

The price of anything is the amount of life you exchange for it.

~Henry David Thoreau



So, I ask you, dear reader, must we go to the woods for clarity? Can we learn from another's trip to the woods? Or, perhaps, maybe ~ just maybe ~ can we set aside enough time daily for introspection within city limits that makes that trek unnecessary? Of course, each person much decide how much time is enough time for them. For some, that ten to twenty minutes in the shower and they are good to go. For others, well that is just the tip of a mighty big iceberg. But as ole HDT said, "The price of anything is the amount of life you exchange for it." How much is peace of mind going for these days?

YOUR GIRL IS LOVELY

When I feel the need to preface one of my blogs, as I do now, you know that you're in for it.  That could be good or bad.  It all depends on your perspective.  Do you ever have this problem that just circles round and round in your head, and you don't know how to solve it, so your brain keeps coming up with different scenarios, and then it starts invading your dreams ,and then it even manages to make its way onto your TV screen?  Finally, you're throwing pillows at your television screaming, "Enough already!"  Well as the pillow was making contact with my television I decided that thinking time was over and writing time better start or glass might start breaking.  So, here we are.

As usual, the idea started in the shower where I do my best thinking.  It was there that I realized I had been on a path of self destruction ever since I saw the movie THE WAY WE WERE back in junior high or high school.  I can't remember which it was.  We had HBO and I only saw the movie once.  Who could take it more than once????  It was on a Saturday afternoon and it finished right around the time my mom was putting dinner on the table.  It was the first time I had experienced the unhappy ending.  I cried all the way through dinner to the disgust of everyone else at the table and I couldn't stop saying, "But it was just wrong.  They truly loved each other.  I don't understand how it couldn't work out if it was true love."  Of course, I had just spent two hours watching exactly why it hadn't worked out despite the fact that it was true love.  The real problem was that I resonated way too much to this movie.  That was my shower revelation.  I was in vibrational harmony with love not working out.  Oh boy.  This explained a whole lot about why my love life totally sucked and why I picked unattainable men and was not interested in the ones who were. 

My next shower revelation was the Brad Paisley song "Letter To Me."  It's this cutesy little country song where he sends a letter back to his younger self reassuring him that all would be well and helping him avoid minor pitfalls.  Well, I had major pitfalls and all is not well.  I should get the damn letter.  So, now my mind (I am still in the shower, probably lost in a shampoo that has gone on forever) is constructing a letter that my 16 year old self would actually believe and follow.  What to say?  Under no circumstances ever watch THE WAY WERE WERE, LOVE STORY, or anything sad about romance gone awry.  Just avoid avoid avoid.  In fact, don't read romance novels they just make you think one thing when it's all crap.  In fact don't read at all because you might stumble across something that you will resonate to that will completely screw you up.  Wait. Wait. Wait.  I love to read.  And I can't send a letter to 16 year old me anyway.  Cut. Cut. Cut.  Hair is clean anyway and I think I have soap in my eye.  Ouch.

And I wanted to leave it there because the truth is I already watched THE WAY WE WERE and I already resonated.  And same went for LOVE STORY and all of the rest and it was all a long time ago.  So, I am watching SEX IN THE CITY on  DVD and get to the end of Season 2 and Mr. Big (who I really dislike and never learn to like and really hate even though they ultimately end up together) breaks Carrie's heart AGAIN by marrying Natasha and the girls are talking about it and they decide at the cafe that Carrie and Big are just like Katie and Hubble from.....THE WAY WE WERE (get ready for the pillow throw) and they relive the lines where she runs into him and tells him his girl is really lovely and cue up the music.  Carrie then leaves the cafe and walks home going by the site of the engagement soiree and has a face to face with Mr. Big and can't help herself.  She asks them him why it wasn't her, and he has no good answer.  And she does it.  "Your girl is lovely, Hubble," and does the famous hair stroke.  Of course, he is clueless and says, "I don't understand."  And she replies, "And you never did."  And if that show could have left that relationship there maybe I wouldn't have thrown the pillow.  No, I would have still thrown the pillow because that was about my own struggle with resonating to bad bad bad relationships, and it was being thrown in my face ~ again.

The thing is that I can't unwatch or unread anything.  After that show I clicked over to youtube to pull up that last scene of the movie.  It was all of six minutes and I will post it for you.  You can watch or not.  I bawled my eyes out, and it's not because I'm watching the movie all of the time and still resonating to it.  It was six minutes of a movie that I haven't seen in over twenty years.  I am still resonating right here in the now, and I can't figure out where the stop button is.  If my more knowledgable future self would send me a letter, I think we could knock out this problem.