I have been on facebook for two years and I have about hit my limit. No one has paid me for anything, but I have seen more than I care to, and I find it more than a little disturbing. I watched one friend live in fear of posting anything political on her page for the duration of this election, because she didn't want to be attacked by her "friends." She watched one friend after another post anything remotely conservative on their pages, and one of her high school friends tore into them like a rabid dog. She said it was terrifying to watch. I said that it was okay not to post. Just don't do it. However, by election day she had enough, found her voice, and posted a few things she saw going on. She didn't go crazy with it. Just voiced HER OPINION ON HER PAGE. And it was a feeding frenzy. Said "friend" cut loose on her. Even after this person please asked for no negative comments aimed at her personally. Anything said about the candidates was fair game. That didn't stop this person. She attacked my friend personally. So she got unfriended. And then that person called her out on her page and all of these people my friend thought were her friends started attacking her personally. It was like junior high school on facebook. Only so much meaner. And then it got even worse. I really can't even go on.
Fast forward to yesterday. One of my high school "friends" left this comment on my wall. "Sorry Robin. The elections over and we have to live with the voter's votes. I have grown weary of your right wing posts. I like you and want to stay your friend.... I silently was polite for 8 years of a Bush presidency. We will get through the next 4 years too. - I am hiding most of your posts but I don't want to cut you off totally. We still have things in common. Struggling."
Well, huh. We went back and forth a couple of times. I pretty much left it like this: "If you need to click on my posts in the wall feed and hide them that is fine with me. If you need to unfriend me that is okay, too. I will respect you for your decision. Whatever you do." The last comment I left was about having to leave because we are on vacation, and I would either see her later, or I wouldn't. And then I left. And I didn't really think about it again for several hours. But when I did, I was not happy about it. Why? Because she posted it on my wall and we have A LOT of mutual friends. We went to high school together. I would have felt very differently had she sent it in a private email. The more I thought about it, the more it felt like posting it on the wall was an invite for everyone to get in the public smackdown. It felt very much like being in junior high school again.
The irony with this particular friend is that when she posted something about voting for Obama she put it up almost with an apology. I commented on her post that Freedom of Speech is one of our most important rights. It is a right given to us by the First Amendment. Never be afraid to speak your mind or voice your opinion if you are speaking what is in your heart. I knew that she knew my views. I told her that I might not agree with what she has to say, but I would fight to the death for her RIGHT TO SAY IT. And then she turns around and basically tells me that I better shut the f*ck up or we won't friends. She said it nicer than that, but it essentially came down to that. And she posted it on my wall hoping that some of our friends would hop on for a Hatefest, which I am happy to say hasn't happened yet. Probably because she hasn't posted it in her status... yet. She did do that to one of our former classmates. So, there is still time.
Some of you who might read this blog are facebook friends who share differing opinions. You know who you are. And we have honored and respected one another simply by not responding to one another's posts about these issues. I believe that to be the correct course. That is how we continue to get along. I think that our friendship is based on mutual respect.
And I know that a true friend would never go to someone's page and say to someone, "I am really sick of hearing about your "fill in the blank," so if you don't knock it off, I am afraid I am going to have to unfriend you." Let's try a few words for that "blank" just so that we get a clearer picture: family, God, religion, cancer, migraines, fibromyalgia, politics, music, money troubles, homeless people, dogs/cats who need adopting, dogs/cats who are about to be euthanized, your church, your relationship (be it good or bad), your job (be it good or bad), your lack of a job. Man this list could go on forever. Whatever.
I used to think that social media was a wonderful thing. Yay. A way to connect with people. Now, I am not so sure. I have seen the harm of social bullying on Facebook. But it has got nothing on Twitter. Twitter rules as the Social Networking Bully. As such, Twitter seems appropriately named. It is people just vomiting up every thought they have....from a bunch of twits.
Oh, Robin, I feel your pain. I, too, got personally attacked for voicing my opinion about the election. I was just voicing an opinion, not attacking anybody personally. It was a benign comment but several of my "friends" who voted for the other guy started attacking me personally . . . in full view of all my other friends. It was humiliating and very hurtful. I had always tried to be respectful of their opinions and especially their right to express it. It was a shame, and I still haven't really gotten over it.
ReplyDeleteSo sorry to hear it, Judy. Unfortunately, I am seeing it happen to LOTS of people. I have never seen people attack each other so deliberately and pointedly before over an election before. The candidates, yes. But going so far as to attack someone PERSONALLY over it, no. It just is beyond my scope. I keep telling myself that this is just another tool to help me separate the wheat from the chaffe. (I don't know that I spelled that right... ugggh.) Or the quarters from the pennies. One thing my friend got out of it was finding out that one of her most ARDENT SUPPORTERS was one of her most LIBERAL friends. This vitriol had nothing to do with conservative vs. liberal by this time. It was all about bullying and Freedom of Speech. And who are your friends and who aren't. They were so off the "issues" after the first posting that it wasn't even about politics. It was soooo personal. And I know you know what I mean. So, I know why you're not over it.
DeleteIt's the same reason why I am having a hard time withe someone telling me that I better shut my trap or we can't be friends. I am thinking we never were...
Hang in there. We we will all be tougher for this in the end.
Robin: I feel the same way about Twitter and Facebook. As for friends, no real friends leave. They understand that you have a right to your opinions, and they respect them because they respect you. That is exactly why I started my newest blog. I don't dwell on politics. I would much rather write, teach, travel, and exercise. However, I refuse to be silenced by bullies.
ReplyDeleteI cordially invite your blogging friends and their blogging friends to join my latest blog as well at: http://politicsforaverageamericans.blogspot.com/
All opinions will be respected and treated with dignity. There will be no vulgarity, namecalling, or personal attacks permitted. That's how we all learn, and build a better world for ourselves. JJ
Part of the above comment applies to you, JJ. I just don't want to type it again. Pretty much everything on bullies. And I, too, refuse to be silenced by a bully. That worked back in junior high, but I grew up. And now it has the opposite effect. You try to censor me and you only make mad. I only talk longer, louder, and more often. And I don't apologize. Freedom of speech is my right and privilege and I embrace it. And I will not sit silently by out of politeness to make someone else more comfortable. If you cannot look at a wall posting of someone who has a differing opinion, that says more about You than it does about Me. And I guess you need to unfriend me. I'll cry buckets.
ReplyDeleteAnd, JJ, I LOVE LOVE LOVE your blog. It has become one of my favorite reads of the day. However, it is not for everyone. If you are infatuated with the news that media is dishing out, chances are reasonable that you might not like anything that contradicts it. If that is the case, this might not be your cup of tea. Consider yourself warned. However, if you are looking for some intellectual discourse, independent thinking, someone to challenge your views on what is happening here at home (and, I hope, world-wide, since we are all interconnected), then this blog is for you. JJ, keep up the excellent work!
Thinking people yearn for civil discourse and even seek it out but it sure can bring out the worst in those who are immature and/or arrogant. I think the defining characteristic of liberals for me is their arrogance. They talk tolerance and inclusiveness but disagree with them and it's out the window. I have unfriended three family members because they can't express themselves without being insulting and rude. I don't have to read that and I am not going to read that. Notice how that "friend" assumed you would be devastated if she decided she couldn't be friends with you anymore? How dare you question her politics or make her think about her position? I try to surround myself with people I can talk to like adults; the others I have not use for except in passing. I joined JJ's blog. I am looking forward to the civil discourse that is sure to happen. Take care.
ReplyDeleteI do think you will enjoy JJ's blog. I think it is all about respect and that is not a partisan issue. It is a people issue.
DeleteI relish a good political brawl... the only thing that will get you unfriended on my page is mocking God and comparing him to the toothfairy. Didn't realize it until it happened, but when it did it was automatic and I don't regret it...it was like spitting in my face. You don't do that. I don't mock others religions on their pages...don't dare do it on mine. We need to respect the fact that other people believe as strongly as we do and act accordingly. Being an adult is only difficult for those stuck in high school.
ReplyDeleteChristine: Don't let people who disrespect you slap you twice. Instead, try to figure out why otherwise reasonably intelligent people do not tender the respect you deserve. You will usually find they are battling some internal flaw they find difficult to overcome.
DeleteI have thought long and hard about your comment and the person you unfriended. I know that you think that it was because they said something really awful about God. However, I think that was only part of the problem. The other part, the more significant part was that they knew your feelings about God and they still said it. You see, it was actually a lack of respect. A really terrible lack of respect about something that they knew was deeply important to you. Someone who wants to maintain a friendship makes a decision to show respect for their friends. Period. I think that you would find yourself just as offended if they said something hurtful and mean about your kids or your husband. Or possibly they attacked another one of your good friends. That is simply a person who is not showing respect for you by bullying or attacking someone that you care about on a personal level. They are disrespecting you by disrespecting someone you care about. I truly think that if someone did that on facebook, or in person, that they would find themselves "unfriended" in a red hot minute. And it would be all about RESPECT or the lack thereof...
ReplyDeleteRobin: In the old days, you and I might be polar opposites on the political spectrum running for office. However, no matter who won the election, we would respect, care for, and protect one another. That's what I want back in my country.
DeleteJJ, I haven't always been so "conservative" in my voting tendencies. In fact, in my 20s and 30s, I tended to lean Democratic in my voting preferences. However, I never used to vote a straight ticket. Period. And my Democratic thinking was more in line with that of the party back in the days of the 1950s-1960s. It took a long time for me to accept that the party itself had undergone a fairly major shift. And that you can't vote for the party... you have to vote for the individual. As we approach this fiscal disaster (that has probably been 20 years or so in the making)... the same amount of time that our actual economic growth has not risen in proportion to the growth of the Dow (stock market), which is supposed to be a value of our actual growth (but hasn't been)... we have been in trouble. So, as this change has been happening, my voting has continued to become more and more conservative. Someone needs to stem the tide. Plug the gap. Turn the ship around. Balance these two things and get a grip on our country's deficit. Until we become economically stable, our young people have no future to build on. So, I disagree with you, respectfully, JJ. I think in the "old days" we probably thought very alike politically, however we kept shifting as the country kept shifting. We both recognized the signs mentioned above and acted accordingly.... You can correct me if I am wrong:)
DeleteThis vicious political system we have has ruined more friendships, facilitated by social media. It's all public, some of it hides beyond pseudonyms, it's quick before folks have a chance to think ... I'll stop before this becomes a rant. It's been so, so sad to watch. It's one thing to make a statement on your own page about your own views; and when you do so, you invite people to engage in a conversation with you. But instead, it's interpreted as an invitation to backstabbing, insults, and wounds that are unexpectedly painful. Hiding is easy; it can always be undone if you just can't tolerate the posts. Many statements should be made in private messages or emails, rather than thrust onto walls. Public words can do far more damage than people realize.
ReplyDeleteI get much the same thing with comments on public posts about food ... food! If someone doesn't like a recipe, so be it. But they feel compelled to tell me, because I dared to put it out there publicly. They think it's okay to not just say unkind things about the dish, but about me as well. I've been criticized, and even insulted, over something as idiotic as a bowl of soup. Throw in people's passion for their candidates, and the feeding frenzy that the media made the election to be ... it's all so, so unnecessary. My BFF and I have very differing political views. Ya know what? She's still my BFF ....
I hear ya, Mary. If you don't like something, don't look. That is what we have internal sensors for... and for people who cannot take it anymore, facebook gives you the option to "hide" the posts. The people who design these sites understand that people have low tolerance points, so they make it easy to "put the blinders on" and just NOT LOOK. That is by far an easier choice than unfriending someone or engaging in what is sure to become an ugly confrontation.
DeleteHowever, if you truly cannot take something any longer: send an email. And then try to have a respectful conversation about it. When you throw something out there publicly, that is just asking for disaster. And it is so disrespectful. Of course, disrespect is the word of the year. Maybe the decade. I think it is the new ATTITUDE.
And you have summed it up nicely in that people can't even keep their opinions about FOOD to themselves. Nothing is off limits. If you put out a recipe, and a person doesn't like it - for any reason - not only is the recipe subject to disparaging comment, but so is the person who posted it. Everything is PERSONAL. No one has any regard for the feelings of the person they are attacking. If they can't see you, it is like you aren't there.
As you said, if people can get sooo upset over a bowl of soup, just imagine the passion over a political disagreement. However, like all of my previous comments, I think it is possible to agree to disagree with RESPECT. If you have respect for the person on the other side, you do not attack them personally. Period. In fact, you will stand up to all of their accusers, even if you disagree with what they say. No one should be attacked for having an opinion and expressing it. Now... you can say what you want about the people in office and the decisions they are making and I will do the same. And we can go tit for tat all day. We may find points of agreement and disagreement... but I would never belittle YOU, or YOU, ME. And that is where too many people run aground.
Hey hon - I know your political beliefs and you know mine (on FB no less!) and I think we get along just fine :) I have conservative friends, independent friends, and liberal friends, and I feel really, really fortunate that there were some great discussions on my FB page when I posted political stuff (and yes, disagreements, but polite ones) and no one overreacted to anything I said. And in return, when I saw a political post I disagreed with on anyone's page, I simply moved along, or commented on how cute their baby is. lol
ReplyDeletePoint being: we are all adults here (even though it sometimes feels like we're back in junior high) and it's high time we acted like it. We can disagree and then agree that we all want what's best for this country. People need to let go of simply wanting to be right and understand that this country is huge, with lots of different opinions and ideas, and that's what makes it fantastic.
Huge hugs to you, Robin. I respect you so much.
-Tracy
I agree point for point, girl. The thing is that you understand that thing called RESPECT that I was talking about while so many other people do NOT. And that is where the difference lies. When you respect other people, you simply do not have these problems. Period.
DeleteHuge hugs to you, too. I also respect you SO MUCH!!!
Yep. You nailed it. So many people DON'T respect others simply because they don't agree with them! That's awful... when did it become common for us to only respect people that we agree with and pretend that everyone else is stupid or crazy? We need to get back to a place where we listen to each again, and that does not happen without respecting each others ideas.
DeleteThis has been a wonderful post and I hope everyone walks away as inspired as I am. Have a wonderful Thanksgiving hon :)
Great Post and I agree on everything you said and actually months ago after I shared a political cartoon was blasted. I dared not post anything about the election. However I had to endure theirs. After the election when I saw a friend attack another I went to the notes thing and wrote a note that anyone who put something on my wall referring to shut up or making as if I had no voice on "my" Facebook, that I would delete them, friend or not. I have one dear friend who is a preacher and I have always respected that, and him. Until the election when he personally wrote something about why I should vote for Obama because of my "lady part" things (his exact words) and from a preacher. Feeling a bit freaked out, I hid his status updates from my wall. I felt disrespected in a way. IDK that was just me. I too am at the place if I didn't have family far away and Facebook was how we often kept in touch it would gone. :/ Great posting and def enjoyed reading!
ReplyDeleteThere was a lot of propaganda/slogans about voting with your "lady parts" coming from the Obama campaign. There were actually political cartoons about it. I don't know if you follow Michelle Malkin's page on Facebook, but you might want to consider it. I find it to be very informative and "balancing." I very distinctly remember her response to that was that would be voting with her "lady smarts" instead of her lady parts. However, once again, all of these cases continue to come back to people trying to tell people HOW or WHO to vote for and then bully them into their position. In this case, your minister was actually using his position as a minister to influence people in a political by giving his opinion more weight. That is just wrong. And you were rightfully freaked out. He thought that he had some over your parts because he was a minister??? You felt disrespected because you were disrespected. It was just that simple. And, no, it was not just you. Had it been me... I would have felt the same. This person allowed his passion for the election to cloud his judgment. I might check back in and see what his status looks like now. Healthy disagreement is... healthy. Someone who is determined to bully you into seeing things their way... or else, is not. It is perfectly fine for him to keep his opinion on his page. It is when it overflows onto yours, and he insists on being the hammer and can see you as nothing but a nail... well, then you have a problem.
DeleteAnd the day may come when facebook simply becomes more hassle than good time. Then it is time to walk away. That day may be close.