D IS FOR DIARRHEA

This is going to be short. Very short. I am not dead. I am also not doing inspirational song day today. Tomorrow. I will do it tomorrow. I have the 80s music picked out.

I am still sick with the unending cold. And my migraine is giving it ia run for it it's money in what will make me more miserable faster. Yeah, it is THAT kind of day. Think of a spike being drilled through your head through your right eye and into your temple and then have someone pound on it repeatedly. That is where I am living today. Not a big happy place. Offset that with blowing your nose every thirty seconds and voila. Welcome to my world. I also still have the unending bacterial stomach thing that sends me running for the toilet constantly. It is just sunshine and roses here. I was hoping that since I delivered that sample on Tuesday I might not suffer through the weekend with that shit. Pun intended. No such luck.

I will say that the sample delivery was the only bright spot of my entire week. I happened to have a sample kit from a previous incident back in February when antibiotics killed all of the good bacteria in my stomach. Couldn't figure that one out. Never had diarrhea before that just wouldn't quit. If talking about poop is TMI for you, turn back now, this isn't the blog for you. Anyway, I was at the doctor's office anyway when this came up and we figured out that it was caused by an antibiotic. I really wanted to try taking a round of probiotic, but I had her write a Rx for flagyl, which usually kills the bad bacteria in the event that the probiotic didn't work. The probiotic didn't work. I took the flagyl. Problem solved. However, she gave me a catch kit in case I needed to bring back a sample to have it cultured. I kept the kit. Fast forward to now. I use the catch kit and send her an email that I am bringing in the sample.

I get to her office on Tuesday and ask for her nurse when I get to reception. The girl checked to see if she was there. She confirmed she was there, and then said, "No." She didn't ask why I wanted to see her. Just no. I hate that. So... I pull out my stool sample which is in the proper container and sealed in a bio hazard bag and start talking.

"Well, I wanted to give her this stool sample." Naturally, I didn't lower my voice at all. And she went green. It was beautiful. "I wasn't sure how long the sample would be viable. I took it at noon and it is 3:00 now, but I don't want to just drop it at the lab if it isn't any good." She started rolling back on her chair like it might jump out of the bag and splat all over her.

"Let me find Susan." That is my doctor's nurse. As I said, it was a thing of beauty. It is amazing the power that poop and puke have. Those two things motivate people like nothing else. You whip those things out and people scurry into action. I didn't get to see Susan, but she came back with another bio hazard bag for my sample and she said that Susan told her to take it to the lab. This scenario would be giving me warm fuzzies right now if I had RESULTS. Instead, I still have diarrhea. So, unless I get something Monday I may be trotting back in there with more poop in a plain old ziploc and seeing what happens. Enough is enough. They won't let me talk to the lab, no one returns my phone calls. Poop gets action. Well, I can show them some poop. I love my doctor, but I freaking hate bureaucracy.

You would think that they would know better than to mess with the sick people. Huh.

To answer the question on your mind. Yes, right now insanity is reigning. By Monday, two more days of crazy will have come and gone. I really hope that they call me, take my calls, return my email, something. I do have one more bio hazard bag. A ziploc, a bio hazard bag, and that catch thing. That's really all you need. I might go in my pajamas next time. Let them know I really mean business.

THE WHOLE POOP

Today mom and I made the trip to Florida to get the title to my car. Well, we will actually be here a few days to catch up with friends, etc. But, today was the drive down. I wasn't sure I would have the time ~ or energy ~ to blog. Turns out, I did get the subject matter. We stopped at the Subway for lunch and we both, naturally, had to use the facilities. I mean the restroom, of course. It was a one stall affair. So, I pressed the button in the middle, not expecting any company, only to find out that the lock didn't work. How did I find this out? Well, when someone walked in, of course. I was just glad it was a ladies room and not a unisex.


That got me to thinking about other bathroom disasters and/or mildly entertaining stories that happened in the bathroom. There was that time that I accidentally walked into the men's room at a McDonald's while on a trip with the Youth Group from church. That was a great one. Everyone watched me walk into the wrong bathroom and everyone watched me come out. Hilarious. I realized I was in the wrong place when I saw the urinals.

My father's mother lived out in the country and must have been on a well. I loved everything about visiting her except the bathroom situation. That I didn't like. Apparently, too much flushing was a problem. So, three or four people had to use the bathroom before we were supposed to flush (unless there was a #2 job). I was always very uncomfortable with this idea. I didn't like the idea of potentially being splashed by someone else's pee, even if they were family, and I didn't like leaving mine behind. We usually stayed for a week at a time at her house. It was an uncomfortable week.

I suppose another interesting bathroom fact about me that I find a bit odd (now) is that my freshman year in college I would still sing in the shower if I felt so inclined. Yeah, I did that. There were about ten showers. They were sometimes full of nine other girls. No, none of them booed me and told me shut it. They just let me sing away. I didn't do it every day. I just did it when I felt like it. Maybe because I was happy or maybe because I was sad or maybe because the day ended in "y." But that was who I was back then. I was the girl who wasn't afraid to sing in the shower, even though the bathroom was full of a bunch of other people. I kind of like that about me.

Oh, and another fact that you didn't want to know is that I don't like to do a #2 job anywhere but at home. That makes traveling really uncomfortable. I have gone a a whole week without going. That was painful. I've loosened up a little as I've gotten older, but I still really don't like it. I spent two weeks overseas that was crippling. Boy, this whole blogging thing is really freeing....

Since I have started blogging, I have done A LOT of random blog reading. If you have done ANY random blog reading, people write more about their kids' poop habits than I would have ever imagined possible. I have read more stories about kids and poop ~ apparently this is very important stuff because it is what people are writing about! So, if you were wondering if I've lost my mind and fallen into the toilet, the answer is no. I just want to keep it real and write what the cool kids are writing about, and that, folks, is poop! So, I solemnly swear to always tell you the whole poop and nothing butt!

SOME KIBBLE & BITS OF WISDOM

People can learn a lot from dogs. For one thing, dogs live in the present. No exceptions. They aren't planners. They don't dwell on their past mistakes. It's all moment to moment for them. Dogs are also very determined to get what they want IF they want it badly enough. For instance, I was just brushing my dog, Shelby, which always requires a muzzle since it is not her favorite thing. I chose to do this while my mom was cleaning up the kitchen after dinner. My mother dropped a piece of broccoli on the floor. We have three dogs in our house. Delilah probably wouldn't have eaten it anyway. She tends to roll things around on her tongue and spits out whatever she doesn't like. Molly would eat it, but she isn't willing to fight for it. Shelby ran from the living room with her muzzle still on to get that broccoli. One of my greatest fears is that someone will be working with plastic, or something worse, in the kitchen and drop it, and Shelby will swallow it before she realizes it isn't actually food. Now, Molly could have taken Shelby with a muzzle, but she still sat and watched. My mom couldn't stop laughing. Shelby ate the broccoli with the muzzle on. It wasn't an easy task, but she broke it down until it fit through. As I said, she was determined.

About ten years ago, after my mom and stepdad adopted Molly they decided to get another dog to keep her company. One of the dogs they hoped might be a good fit, but wasn't, was named Lady. I believe she was a collie mix. However, I could be wrong about that; my memory is lacking in some ways. Lady taught my parents that dogs can be a lot like teenagers. For instance, if you take a really good kid and throw him in with a bunch of delinquents, in no time flat your really good kid has become a delinquent, rather than your really good kid turning the delinquents into a bunch of really good kids. It was kind of like that with Molly and Lady. Molly was housebroken; Lady was not. After a week with Lady both dogs were peeing and pooping in the house. It smelled a lot like Grand Central Station; for those of you who haven't been there, that isn't a good thing.

My mom is a big believer in praise and understands that punishment after the fact is useless because dogs live in the moment and don't understand what they are being punished for unless you catch them, literally, in the act. So she spent a lot of time outside with both dogs, hoping to catch Lady doing her business so that she could lavish her with praise. Her time was rewarded when Lady produced a huge pile of #2. All the while my mom is praising her like crazy, "What a good dog, Lady. What a good girl." Molly is very jealous of any other dog receiving any praise for any reason. She immediately bolts across the yard at 100mph to horn in on this action and steal Lady's thunder; her right front paw lands squarely in Lady's "business." Mom says that Molly picked up her right front paw, stared at it with something akin to horror or, perhaps, disbelief. It was like her own foot was something foreign and she desperately hoped it didn't belong to her. She tried wiping it on the grass and then took off like a dog possessed, vigorously shaking her right front paw.

People can learn a lot from dogs. Learn to pick your battles. When it's important, keep fighting even when the odds are against you. Don't eat something just because it's there. Keep up with your kids and pay attention to who their friends are. Hygiene is important. Interpersonal battles are won with praise not punishment. Jealousy will take you to places you will regret later. Be more careful with your crap because you don't want to spend all your time cleaning up your shoes. People can learn a lot from dogs.