Life Is Not Fair

David List left this comment on my last post:

"Well this was real as real can be. Thank you.

And I was held by your writing. So the people who say otherwise can go frump a goat!

I sure hope the migraines have relented. That's not exactly a fair reward for you having a heart for children."

I started to reply and found that in that reply I had material for a new post!  Some of you are not remotely surprised by this, given the length of a comment I have left on YOURS.

It was the last sentence that struck me.  "That's not exactly a fair reward for you having a heart for children."

I said a few other things, but here is when I felt myself gearing up in my response: " Have you noticed that life doesn't operate on a Fairness System? Being a good person isn't a guarantee of anything. Fame, fortune, success, good relationships, happy marriage, health... nothing. I would write more, but I think I feel a blog post coming on, so I will save it."

One of my earliest memories is of my father saying, "Robin, who ever told you that life was going to be fair?"  This was usually uttered after my rant about how "unfair" something was.  When I was a child it could have been after stubbing my toe or simply not getting my way.   Yeah, like that.  Little did I know that it was the tip of a very large iceberg.

Life doesn't operate on a Fairness System. Period.  Good people don't always come out on top.  Nice guys do finish last.  Artists often die before their work becomes noticed, famous, and "worth something."  Being a good person doesn't mean that you will roll 7's in Vegas or 7's in your relationship choices.  It doesn't mean you won't suffer with chronic illness or get cancer.  Being good at heart doesn't mean that your life will be any better or more FAIR.

There is an older lady from our church whose husband was in stage four cancer.  She had to go to the hospital for a colonoscopy and they found something, so she was admitted.  He became very ill while she was still there and also ended up at the hospital.  She went down to his room to see him and he coded and died.  She is still in the hospital waiting to have her procedure.  Not exactly a fair reward for all of those years of marriage.

A high school friend of mine has a son who just died of a brain tumor.  Approximately two years ago the tumor was found and chemo/radiation started.  All seemed well.  Then, it came back.  So, they did more chemo.  Again, it seemed under control until it wasn't.  After it came back the third time it did so aggressively.  He passed away a couple of weeks ago.  He was thirteen years old.  His family will never be the same.  My friend said, "It's been a tough week and, while it's cliche, I finally understand the power of 'one day at a time.' Because when I think about surviving the next 30+ years without him, there's no way I can do it. But I can survive today. I was so blessed to know him. The best 13 years of my life." 

Another high school friend married two times and BOTH of her husbands were diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer and died.  The first one died just after they had their first child.  The second one died just after they had their first child (together).  So, she is now raising two children alone and grieving the death of her second husband.  

No.  Life is not fair.

What life gives us is grace.  If you haven't been smacked in the solar plexus by Life, all I can tell you is "look out."  Life doesn't play favorites.  We all get it in some way or another.  And some of us get more than others.  Each time that Life hits us, we get the opportunity to call on grace.  Are we going to be the child on a rant about the unfairness of it all or are we going to accept what happened and move forward?  

As for me, I have done both.  I have ranted plenty about my ex-husband and all the things HE did that made that marriage so untenable that I became chronically sick and ultimately had to leave.  Did that ranting make me feel better?  Not a lick.  Several years ago, I was at one of the kids' birthday parties and he actually said to me that it was a shame that I started getting migraines AFTER we divorced.  That kicked off another round of ranting all the way home about him having his head up his @ss and what did he think I spent that time in the hospital for... the view???  Not to mention all the puking, every second I spent in bed with something over my eyes, blah blah blah.  I must say that there was no grace in that diatribe.

I wish I could say that I had let it all go when I wrote that post back in July 2010.  But, I still wasn't there.  I wanted to be (which is the first step).  However, I had to accept that he was who he was.  Period.  And I saw signs of that before I married him... of course, I did.  They were the red flags that I waved at, smiled, and kept on cruising toward disaster.  I felt like a victim in that relationship, but only because I CHOSE it.  Accepting THAT has made it possible to let it all go.  Why?  I gained some wisdom.  I was always in charge.  I am still in charge.  And I am smarter now and I will choose better in the future.  A perpetual victim never sees how their own actions brought them where they are and continues to choose the same.  In order to get to grace, I had to forgive not only him, but myself for allowing it.  That was the door to freedom.

Life is not fair.  

Instead, there is Grace.  Wisdom.  Forgiveness. 

IWSG: A Tale of Bad Luck

What has me feeling insecure about writing right now???  My computer.

Yep.  You read that correctly.  My computer locked me out a week ago.  Not only could I not access the internet, but I couldn't access ANYTHING.  Where is my novel?  On that computer, of course.

We have a radio station that is devoted to saving you money.  It's called The Bargain Channel.  My mom is an avid listener.  Me, not so much.  BUT, I appreciated her listening after she told me she'd just heard about a deal for a mobile computer repair coupon.  $35 for one hour of tech on your machine.  I was IN.  I bought the coupon and then spent Wed- Sat leaving messages on a mobile repair service answering machine.  I didn't get a call back.

By Monday, I was ready to throw my laptop into the wall!  Have you ever felt that way?  No?  Hmmm.  Well, I was THERE.  I was also disgusted with the mobile repair service, so I called The Bargain Channel and relayed the problem.  They gave me a name of another computer fix-it person and said they would reimburse me for the coupon.  Whew.

That guy called me back later on Monday and said that I need not take the coupon back to the station.  He did business with them frequently and could redeem it.  His cost to fix my computer no matter how long it took: $60.  I pay that less my coupon investment.  Great.  I was IN.  Not an hour later the first guy called when I was in the shower, so my mom spoke with him.  Apparently, he had a family emergency out of state.  He thought he changed his message on his machine to reflect that, but it didn't save the new recording.  So... he had TONS of messages like mine.  She said that she was sorry, but we found someone else.

And what is the point of all of this?  You can be going along and think that you have a handle on everything and then LIFE comes along and screws it all up.  I was planning on participating in NaNoWriMo for this first time.  My computer took a hike two days before Nov. 1.  The guy who could have fixed it had a family emergency and didn't save his new message on his recorder.  Monday rolls around and I find someone and he can fix it, but it will be a few days AND I am going out of town tomorrow and won't be back until Saturday.  IF I get my computer back on Saturday, I am already 8 DAYS behind on NaNoWriMo. If it's Monday, it will be 10.  That is one third of the month folks.

It was a bit overwhelming to participate having EVERY day in November. I can't tell you what this feels like...

So, what is the takeaway here?  Just like things don't go smoothly for our characters, they also don't go smoothly for US.  LIFE or BAD LUCK (or whatever you want to call it) actually does happen.  It twists up our plans and makes us start again.  If it does that for us, it can do the same for our characters.  I am planning on inserting some PLAIN 'OL BAD LUCK on my protagonist just because Sh@t Happens.  Why she should be immune while I am suffering so????

How has your real life affected your storyline?

This is a bloghop aka The Insecure Writer's Support Group.  It happens the first Wednesday of every month.  If you go to this site you can see who else is participating (and add your name to the list to join us).  Even if you don't join, support a writer with encouragement!!!

If You Mean It, Say It.

This is going to be a quick one. For those of you who want the uplifting post, check out my last one... HERE'S TO YOU MONDAY. It was my old-style HERE'S TO YOU post with dedications. For those of you just wanting the dirt, well there isn't much to tell except the update on my aunt.

She passed away yesterday at 11am. It was a relief. Her organs were shutting down. She was no longer responsive. She had stopped drinking fluids several days before. Her temperature was spiking and she was feverish because her body could no longer control it. The doctors gave her liquid stuff at first and then suppositories, but the latter were painful for her, due to the bone cancer. However, when she stopped being able to swallow there was no other choice.

I knew that she was going when she came to me in a dream the night before and we said our good-byes. I was pretty deeply asleep and don't recall much of the specifics. I do know that she helped work out some of my issues that I was carrying around about my father's death (still). Amazing how we drag that baggage around. I was finally able to let that go and it was a relief. It also gave me some much-needed perspective about what was going on here. There was this part of me that was feeling very left out that I kept missing out on my personal good-bye with her no matter how much time I spent at the hospital. And I was mad about it. It expressed itself as frustration and disappointment, but I was mad.

The times that I did see her she she didn't know me. And that hurt. Every time I felt close to getting my shot at good-bye she didn't know who I was. Everyone else in the family had this big closure and I was walking around feeling extremely left out. You see, we do need closure. As human beings, we crave it. That is the only consolation to a death like this is the getting the chance to say the unsaid things. But I wasn't getting to say them because she never knew who I was. And I was pissed. Other people who hadn't lived here for twenty years and spent near as much time with her had gotten what I missed.

Life just isn't fair. How many times did my dad say that to me when I was a kid? Well, if I a had a nickel I would be a rich woman.

After I had that dream, it all stopped mattering. Life isn't fair. But her spirit knew who she missed her good-byes with and she was making the rounds. I wasn't left out.

Isn't that what we fear the most? Being left out. Not important enough for that last good-bye. You see, I am lucky. I am blessed. God has given me this gift that I remember my dreams. I know who from the Other Side (or almost Other Side) comes to visit me and I remember. And maybe she knew that. Or not. But, I wasn't unimportant. And we had this amazing conversation that I can't quite recall, but I remember enough of to make this huge difference in my life.

Just like all of the conversations with my dad after he has passed have made this huge difference in my life.

My aunt has told me hundreds of times that she loves me. Every single one of those times was just as important as that last time. Yet, it is the last time we remember because it is the LAST time. The lesson here is that we need to start saying it more if we mean it. You never know when the last time will be the last time. Every time is important. Not everyone remembers when their dead relatives visit them in their dreams to give them that closure that they desperately need. So, if they EVER said it and truly meant it, then it counts. You made a difference. You were loved.


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