The Soundtrack Of My Life, The Rock and The Hard Place

I've struggled with these Soundtrack posts. I went to sleep thinking about what I'd write here and woke up with a migraine. A bad migraine. I was dreaming about freshman year of college. Everyone hated me. Not in real life, but the dream. (My therapist would say I just found another "trigger." The idea of everyone hating me... trigger. Not forgiving myself for choices I made in college that pushed people who would've and could've been close friends away... trigger. The state of my friendships now with those friends... trigger. I'm not even sure which of these scenarios set off the migraine, because I felt them all keenly upon waking up.)

So, let's dig into this a little bit and see what happens.

The Soundtrack is back. For those of you who've lost track of where we are, it's Freshman Year of College.

Ironically, Dixie left an amazing comment on my Soundtrack post (Linger) that I think will apply here. She is really wise. Check this out (bolding mine):

Hi Robin. Your experience still seems painful because the memories hold some very dear moments. I cannot begin to understand your situation then or now, but I have compassion for the memories of painful times. What we learn then, and bring forward to influence another time, gives way to more learning. That way growth never stops.

I sometimes think I was born an 'old soul'. My movement from childhood to adulthood so gradual, I simply kept walking the path before me. I anticipated love in all forms... and practiced the best way to give. Today I practice the best way to receive. Maybe that's the key to my happiness. Knowing that loving it all with few or no regrets aids my life in a peaceful walk.

Bittersweet song - maybe one day you'll be able to listen and see what someone else saw. Maybe those who wanted you to Linger but knew you couldn't. How well did they hide their sadness from you - not wanting to add to your burden? It's often difficult to love parts of our past... and yet... we can be released. You are a very sweet and sensitive person. Your past has shaped a 'you' I love.

Most sincerely, Dixie

Remember when I said I was reinventing myself in the last post, and the only thing I kept was music? Well, that didn't work out so well. Music Theory is really hard. I did okay on the written part, but everything else... not so much. Before this class, I only knew what an "F" was in theory. Music Theory made it reality. Yikes. I was crying regularly.

I was also not adjusting so well to the non-academic aspects of college, but we'll save that for the next post. I want to talk about Dixie's comment and how it fuses with my song choice for today.

Remember when I posted the Soundtrack featuring Simon and Garfunkel's song "I Am A Rock?" Well, I didn't want to be a rock or an island. And I really didn't want to cry anymore. I had this feeling... even then... that the Romance part of my life was going to be bumpy. Or just not turn out well. I can't explain the feeling, but I didn't like it. That feeling made me chase it, not only in college, but for years to come. (Let me tell you that chasing something like a "relationship," does NOT work. Just in case you were thinking of trying it for yourself.)

So, I'm coming back to my room from another disastrous episode in Music Theory (and beginning to realize that Music is also not going to "work out" for me). All I wanted was to come back to my room, climb into bed, and never come out again. Barring that, have a good cry and sleep the rest of the day.

I walk in my room and my roommmates (yes, I had two of 'em) were in the midst of a philosophical discussion. They immediately posed the question to me.

Roommate #1: Okay, we've got a question for you.

Me: (not liking the sound of this) Okay.

Roommate #2: You have to pick one or the other.

Me: (really not liking this) Alright.

Roommate #1: You marry someone and you love him more than he loves you.

Roommate #2: OR you marry someone and he loves you more than you love him.

Me Thinking, Not Speaking: Well, hell, this is my worst nightmare.

Me: Neither.

Roommate #1: Not an option.

Me: (knowing that I'm dooming myself to something actually happening in my life) The second one.

And there it was. I spoke it into power. AND I knew it as I said it. Or maybe I made it true by believing it. I don't understand these sorts of things completely. I just had the WORST feeling.

Just take a moment and think about Dixie's comment. She said:

I anticipated love in all forms... and practiced the best way to give. Today I practice the best way to receive. Maybe that's the key to my happiness. Knowing that loving it all with few or no regrets aids my life in a peaceful walk.

I anticipated love in its worst forms... and practiced the best way to accept it. I also had difficulty receiving when love flew at me in a good and true way. Yes, anticipating love. Giving love. Receiving love. I do believe these are the keys to Happiness and a peaceful walk.

Slow down, hold still
It's not as if it's a matter of will
Someone's circling, someone's moving
A little lower than the angels

And it's got nothing to do with me
The wind blows through the trees
But if I look for it, it won't come
I tense up, my mind goes numb
There's nothing harder than learning how to receive

Calm down, be still
We've got plenty of time to kill
No hand writing on the wall
Just the voice that's in us all

And you're whispering to me
Time to get up off my hands and knees
'Cause if I beg for it, it won't come
I find nothing but table crumbs
My hands are empty, God I've been naive

All I need is everything
Inside, outside, feel new skin
All I need is everything
Feel the slip and the grip of grace again

Slow down, hold still
It's not as if it's a matter of will
Someone's circling, someone's moving
A little lower than the angels

This voice calling me to you
It's just barely coming through
Still I clearly hear my name
I've been fingering the flame
Like tomorrow's martyr, it gets harder to believe

All I need is everything
Inside, outside, feel new skin
All I need is everything
Feel the slip and the grip of grace again

So from now till kingdom come
Taste the words on the tip of my tongue
'Cause we can't run truth out of town
Only force it underground
The roots grow deeper in ways we can't conceive

All I need is everything
Inside, outside, feel new skin
All I need is everything
Feel the slip and the grip of grace again

I was so far from that my freshman year (and beyond). BUT, I'm so thankful that I get it NOW. I can't change anything I did (or thought or believed) back then. I can only change my present. Have you mastered the art of giving and receiving? Have you ever spoken a truth you didn't want into power?


If you're enjoying these posts, feel free to share your own Soundtrack. This isn't a hop. No requirements at all, but a suggestion to do it one song at a time. (If you participated in the hop several years ago, you can still do this. Just post them one song at a time, with the freedom to add more songs if you'd like.) I'll link to all participants at the bottom of each of these posts:

StMcC Presents BATTLE OF THE BANDS

Cherdo on the Flipside