Friday, May 15, 2015

Soundtrack and Battle of the Bands ~ Wicked Game

My Soundtrack posts are doing a sideways crash into Battle of the Bands. I'm jumping way into the future and pulling out an important person simply because it is crushing me in the present.




I'm writing this on Sunday, the 10th, and my heart is overflowing with sadness. I know that you won't understand this yet (but you will, because we are getting there in my Soundtrack posts), and that is a No Holds Barred Sort of Ride revealing everything from the beautiful to the tragic in my life.

Back in 2010, while still very much trying to sort out my life and some pretty crappy things that happened, I know I wrote about a man on this blog. I called him Right Guy, and later Mr. Electric. Since I had about 15 followers then (and maybe 3 of them still read this blog), I'm willing to bet NO ONE recalls him. That's okay. I'll get there with my Soundtrack story. However, if you want to have a better sense of who he was to me you can READ THIS.

I now will call him Jack (because that's his name). I loved him. There was a time when I thought it would work out for us. You know, in that Forever sort of way. And he loved me, too. But, we were both so damaged by the time we got together. So, instead of healing one another, in the end we inflicted more damage. Over the years, we reconnected several times, and each time I'd hope that this time it would be different. But it never was. So, I just tried to let it go and let it be. (I don't think that strategy ever really worked for either of us or these reconnects wouldn't have kept happening.)

I heard from him again last year in November. We talked on the phone for over three hours and FINALLY said all the things we didn't say before. Apologized for the hurts caused by the not saying and active doing.

It turned out that now he was walking a tough road, one I knew plenty well. He was pretty much where I was at when we got together the first time (life is one gigantic karmic circle it would seem). It didn't take me long to figure out that he had about as much to offer in November as I had in 2005-6. So, I emotionally released (again) and prayed that when he got himself together (hopefully he would do it sooner than I did), maybe the timing would finally be right.

In a moment of weakness, I called his cell phone a couple weeks ago. The number was disconnected. I was and wasn't surprised. He was mired in financial problems when we talked (which had him feeling trapped and down). Today I checked his Facebook page, hoping he'd posted things indicating he was getting his life together.

Following the comment thread on his page, I read that he killed himself on December 28. (He was bipolar and I know he had difficulty reconciling himself to taking the medication. I suspect that he quit and when the depression set in it was just too much.)

December 28. Pretty much a month after we had that amazing conversation in which we forgave each other and ourselves for everything that happened in the past. He was a bright light to so many people, but never could fill that hole inside himself. I'd always hoped that when we filled our own holes we would be able to finally make it work. Now I know that will never happen. It feels so wrong. And unfair. Just plain tragic. But, I'm so thankful for that phone call. If not for that, this whole thing would be absolutely untenable.

As it is, it's a wicked game. (This love is only gonna break your heart.)

This is a picture he took of me on our second date. December 31, 2005.

If you want to hear the original by Chris Isaak, which is undoubtedly the BEST version of this song, click HERE. I encourage you all to listen to it because it is the Soundtrack Post Song I would use. However, you can't vote on it in this BoTB.

The first version you can vote for in this battle is by HIM:


Versus

The second version is by James Vincent McMorrow:



I don't expect you to grapple with trying to find *something* to say that will make me feel better about Jack killing himself. Or dying. Or any of it really. I know that we all lose people we love. If you feel compelled to share any part of your story, well that would be okay. No matter how alone we think we are in our experience... we aren't.

Also, please vote for the version of this song you prefer. If you want to get into the Ins and Outs of why you like one better than the other... I LOVE long comments!

For more Battle of the Bands fun, check out the other BOTB bloggers to vote on their battles:
If you are participating in Battle of the Bands, and you are not listed here, leave me a note in the comments. Thanks!



62 comments:

  1. You're right about not saying anything about the story. I certainly don't know what to say except I sorry you've dealt with the bad stuff you've dealt with, but I don't guess anyone has a life that is all good.

    Isaak definitely has the definitive version of this song. I recall it being used in the David Lynch film Wild at Heart--a very strange film, but what do we expect from Lynch. I got the cassette tape after seeing the film. Such a great song.

    I wasn't thrilled by the heaviness of the version by Him and it was faster than I think it should be done.

    I had more hopes for the McMorrow version but it was too slow and lifeless. There was some passion in the vocal, but not enough really. In all this version is lackluster and dull.

    By default I have to give it to Him, not Chris Isaak who does it best, but Him the group. What a dumb name for a group.

    Now to go back to listen to Isaak's good version to get these other two out of my brain.

    Arlee Bird
    A to Z Challenge Co-host
    Road trippin' with A to Z
    Tossing It Out

    ReplyDelete
  2. Oh, by the way, your link to the Chris Isaak version didn't work so I went to find it on YouTube. Oh what a great version Isaak does!

    Arlee Bird
    A to Z Challenge Co-host
    Road trippin' with A to Z
    Tossing It Out

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you for telling me about the non-working link. I've fixed it (I think).

      It's really hard to listen to BOTH of these versions when you have the Chris Isaak original running through your head. However, they are both different from the original... but not better.

      Delete
  3. This is a GREAT SONG...as done by Chris Isaak. I can't say that really care too much for either version you've chosen to use here. Apparently, you agree about Chris' version, so I 'get it' in wanting to use the song and going for two different versions.

    The hard driving, heavy metal kinda version by HIM really doesn't do it for me in any way.

    So, by default I'm gonna go with the more melancholy version by James Vincent McMorrow. He ain't no Chris Isaak, but I get a better 'feeling' from his version.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm sorry for a default vote. The only other option I had was using the original and watching it wipe out the other version.

      Delete
  4. GIRL WONDER ~
    First, I want to say that this was a tough blog bit to read. And there's nothing I could say that would help. I KNOW this because I have had 3 good friends commit suicide. Suicide is NEVER the right choice. And I say that despite the fact that I have considered it many times (but not since about 4:30 PM today, so... I'm gettin' better!)

    You won't believe it but I actually KNOW this song. Couldn't have told you it was Chris Isaak, but I've heard it MANY times. And it's good that you didn't include the Isaak version in this BOTB blog bit because it could have been shutout. (Had you included the Chris Isaak version, there's only ONE voter who could have - and would have - saved you from a shutout by voting for 'Him's' heavy metal version.)

    Between these two choices, give my vote to James - the one who's singing the song like the lyrics actually mean something to him.

    Sometime tomorrow (it's still May 14th here), I will return and read the blog bit about "Right Guy" (aka "Mr. Electric").

    ~ D-FensDogG
    'Loyal American Underground'

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. >>... because it could have been shutout.

      I meant: "...because it could have been A shutout".

      ~ D-FensDogG

      Delete
    2. I've had people close to me die. I've never had someone close to me commit suicide.

      Suicide is worse. And I say that having considered it myself several times when my migraines were really bad. There was also one time when my neurologist put me on this medication that I swear made me severely depressed. At the time, I thought to myself, "I'm so depressed... unnaturally depressed. This has got to be what depression feels like for bipolar people. Bottomless. Hopeless." It was as if my thoughts didn't belong to me. And then I thought, "That's what they say when they take the medication, because leveled out no longer feels "normal." I think the worst thing about bipolar is the believing that the extreme highs and lows are the "real" emotions and everything else is fake... caused by medication.

      I wrote this on Sunday and my opinions of the challengers have actually gone back and forth. When I'm really sad, the second one appeals to me more. When I'm doing better, I like the version by HIM better. But, nothing compares to the Chris Isaak version. And you're right. Had I pitched a battle between CI and HIM, it would have been a shutout, but for one. And we know the one:)

      Thank you for the thoughtful response.

      Delete
  5. Hi, dear Robin! I will take your advice and refrain from struggling to find the right words to articulate my feelings about your loss. Just remember that you are not alone and that I care.

    For the last two years I have been discovering and listening to European rock and metal bands. I love this bold, power packed cover of the Chris Isaak song performed by the Helsinki band HIM and they get my vote in this contest.

    Please have a safe and happy weekend, dear friend Robin!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If someone wants to say something, Mr. Shady, my advice wasn't meant to be off-putting. I just know I've struggled after reading really tough blog bits to find the right words. And feeling like I've fallen short. I didn't want someone to spend ten or more minutes staring at my comments section and coming up empty.

      I'm glad you enjoyed the version by HIM. You're very eclectic in your listening. I like that about you!

      Delete
  6. Not my kind of music so it's difficult to choose but .........I think I'd take the first by Him over the second. Ok I vote for him.

    That is a very good picture of you. That hair style becomes you.

    It's already another weekend. Yipes. Enjoy it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Manzi, not my musical faves either.

      Yes, I like this picture for several reasons. Back then I had a layered hair cut, and my hair tends to wave. If I clipped it up while wet it would curl like this. Now that's more work than I'm willing to invest... ha!

      Delete
  7. Both versions are very different and good, but I love rock and darker music so I'm going with HIM.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I'll just say that thank God you got to speak to him when you did. Sorry he never got his life together. I have a friend who is bipolar and it's a struggle most people can't imagine.
    I am definitely not a fan of HIM, however - they did something really different with the song. Plus I like the heavy sound. They get my vote.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You have no idea how many times I've done exactly that (thank God!) because without the closure that conversation provided... well, I really can't imagine. I have several friends who are bipolar and they all have extremely difficult lives. The closest I've come to understanding that experience was when my neurologist put me on a medication that made me very depressed. I couldn't stand it.

      Delete
  9. Hi Robin. I LOVE the Chris Issak version. That song is so beautiful and so haunting, the music is perfectly paired with the lyrics and it's an all-around great song. As for the current battle here, I'm going to have to go with HIM. It's a crazy video too. I just liked that version better, though none will compare to Chris Issak.
    And I'm so sorry for your loss. Suicide is so hard. It's easy for people to say it's a selfish thing to do but I understand that the person had to be in an immense and insurmountable pain. All the way around, it's a tragedy.
    Now I can't get the song out of my head (Chris Issak version) and that's okay. It's an incredible song and a good one for the BOTB... of which I'm really excited to now be a part! Looking forward to getting to know you...
    Michele at Angels Bark

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you for your well wishes. It's possible for two things to be true. It is a selfish choice. It's also impossible for that person at that time to see any hope or light or reason to go on. It's all incredibly sad.

      I can't think of the name of the Chris Isaak album this song is on, but the whole thing is fantastic.

      Delete
    2. It's from Heart Shaped World (1989), and it is indeed a fantastic album. :)

      Delete
  10. That's such a sad story, Robin and my heart aches for you. ♥
    I'm a new participant at BOTB and look forward to getting to know everyone a bit better.
    Chris Isaak's version is the best, for sure! My choice for this vote surprised me. You see, I'm a huge hard rock/metal fan and love HIM, so I thought that would be it. However, it was James Vincent McMorrow's rendition that triggered the most profound emotional response. I HAVE to go with that one!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. As you move through this crazy thing called Battle of the Bands, everything will surprise you. How people vote. Who votes for whom. In the end, even how you vote on other battles. Be prepared to have your world rocked.

      Delete
    2. It's rocking pretty well, so far! Can't wait for the next one. ☺

      Delete
  11. I'm sorry for your loss, in spite of the fact that my condolences don't mean diddly. E-hugging you right now.

    Chris Isaak's version is such a fav of mine, I went into this with a bit of a smirkasaurus attitude - how can anyone compare?

    Girl, I loved HIM. That version was awesome. It wasn't even close for me.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for that E-hug. They always feel great!

      Well, I'm glad you liked the HIM version. The more I listen to it, the more I like it. I think that repetition works one of two ways. You end up loving something or hating it. And that probably doesn't JUST apply to music!

      Delete
  12. I am so sorry about Jack! It sounds like you had a good conversation with him, though, and made peace between you. Hugs!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We left things in a much better place. I'm grateful for that.

      Delete
  13. I'm really sorry to hear this. Just know you've got a digital hug and not-so-digital prayers coming your way, and I hope you feel better soon and find peace.

    I'll be honest. Like most others here, Chris Isaak is THE definitive version, and blows both of these away. HIM's is too fast and downplays the emotion, and the James Vincent McMorrow version is just a little too slow... and yet, it has a lot of passion and emotion in it, which I feel you need for a song like this, so I vote for him.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for both the E-hug and the actual prayers. Heck, I feel like the whole world needs praying for these days... and maybe always has. Just more aware of it right now.

      I agree about Chris Isaak (as I called it THE BEST right at the outset), but using it would have ended in nothing but a shutout (and those are no fun!). I've got you down for McMorrow.

      Delete
  14. This song, the Chris Isaak version, stops me dead in my tracks any time I hear it. Any time. It is so haunting, and soulful and takes its fist and reaches down and squeezes my heart. The HIM version has no passion, so I will go with the James Vincent McMorrow version if I have to, as it least it has some feeling. As for the story that accompanies this post, I feel like the phone call may have been Jack's way of offering you some kind of peace, before he made his tragic decision. It seems it did, and I am so glad you have that to remember.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, it does, doesn't it? Truly a fantastic song. If you like that song, you should invest in the CD. As Bryan helped me out with above, it's called Heart Shaped World. The whole thing is A-list.

      Got you down for McMorrow!

      Delete
  15. I won't say much about the death of your friend-I know there aren't any words I can type that would make much of a difference other than I am sorry to hear it and hang in there.

    I am familiar with the HIM version, and while I have always commended them for their different take, I never liked it much.

    While McMorrow's version does not even approach Chris Isaak's, it is for me the better of the two.

    Larry


    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah, I know that neither version touches the original, but they are DIFFERENT. Thanks for the well wishes. I'm slowly coming to peace with this whole thing. It'll probably take a while, but then that doesn't surprise me...


      Delete
  16. HIM looks like a HER, haha. Put some fangs on him and he could pass for the Vampire Lestat :) I just loved the heavy guitars. Sorry to say, didn't listen long to James Vincent; he might be ok any other time, but not compared to HIM. I did not listen to Chris Isack but if it resembles Vincent's, I'd still vote for the visceral sound of HIM. (or maybe he's just so pretty!)

    And, I am glad you got some closure with your friend Jack. Life can be tough, and I am glad you are still hanging in there, working through it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Got you down for HIM (an enthusiastic vote, no less!).

      Yes, I'm thankful for that last phone call.

      Delete
  17. I'll listen and vote later but I want to say now that I remember falling for Isaak's version watching the original 90210. Yes, I watched maybe half the seasons in a scattershot sort of way. Also. Sorry to hear about Jack. At least you realized that he was not in a position to make a productive relationship. It isn't on the other person, it is on ourselves, and sometimes we just aren't up to it. Some get help... some watch it as if from a distance and do nothing.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, I could tell in November that as much as I wanted to "jump back in" it wouldn't be a good idea. He had too much internal stuff going on, and I FINALLY figured out in therapy that I can't save anyone else. (Struggling to save myself!)

      Delete
    2. Okay, as much as I didn't like the speeded up first version, I really didn't like McMorrow. If I can't have Isaak, I'll take #1.

      Delete
    3. Sorry to make you choose between the Rock and the Hard Place!

      Delete
  18. I'm so sorry to hear about Jack, and agree with Liza about his reason for calling you. He obviously cared deeply for you, Robin. I can't even begin to imagine what you must be going through, and I'm just an email away if you ever feel like talking.

    As for your BOTB, I had a hard time listening to the dragging James Vincent McMorrow, so HIM gets my vote.

    Julie

    P.S. - That's a very pretty picture of you, Robin!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Julie.

      I think I'm still processing this and wouldn't even be good at trying to talk about it so much. Maybe another time. It's nice to know I can send you an E, though!

      Got you down for HIM.

      I like this picture, too. It's one of my favorites. I look happy.

      Delete
  19. I have known 4 people who have committed suicide and the tough thing is one always feels one could have helped more or done something different. In the end the shoulds and coulds and woulds give a person a gut ache and that is all. We still do it but it does not help. I am very happy he reached out to you and he knew he had to talk to you so you would feel a little "better" in knowing that you did talk and cleared the air. When someone wants to take their own life, they almost have a sense of relief which is very, very strange but they made the decision. I send you hugs from afar and I hope your memories place a smile on your face. I don't like either version and was expecting to like the 2nd one better because it was slower and more deeply felt but that guys voice was just plain irritating to me. I almost felt like he wasn't finishing the words. I vote for HIM. I was snickering at the wind blowing through his hair like an herbel essence commercial but his voice was stronger and better to listen to (I can't believe I am saying that) so I vote for the windblown hair guy

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, I've spent a bit of time with Could Woulda and Shoulda. They're like flies that won't go away. You're right, though, in that I can think of all manner of things that I coulda done differently, but the end result would probably be the same. I don't think he made the choice lightly, and I suspect that there was a measure of relief involved. So hard for everyone who loved him to understand. I'm really trying hard to Let It Go and reach my own place of peace in this storm.

      Windblown hair guy. hahahahaha.

      Delete
  20. Sudden death of any kind is horrifying. (Well, slow, lingering death is bad too.) But there's a shock that comes with a suicide that is hard to accept. My sister's in-laws are dealing with such a death this spring, and I see what kind of damage it's done to their family.

    I am happy you had time to clear the air with Jack, but I know that finding out that he's gone was still a punch in the gut. I'm sorry.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think about his parents a lot. I can't imagine how devastating this has been for them.

      Exactly. A punch in the gut.

      Delete
  21. I'm also grateful for your sake that you at least got a chance to make things right with him before he died.

    Between these two versions, I like HIM more. The second guy sounds like he can't sing to me. (With all the vocal acrobatics and sh*t.)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, I'm grateful for that as well.

      Got you down for HIM.

      Delete
  22. Wow. What an incredible story. I've had a similar experience.

    I'm here to cast my vote for HIM. It just speaks to me more than the other version.

    And... I have news! The boss man has given me the blessing of being able to sit at the cool kids table. My first battle will be June 1. So, if you want to add my name to your list of participants - I'd like that.

    Mary @ Jingle Jangle Jungle
    www.jinglejanglejungle.net

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. When I put together my next BoTB I will make a point of adding your name to the list. Should my memory completely fail me and I forget, please remind me (again) in the comments. Welcome!

      Delete
  23. Robin: I won't say much, but you know me and what I feel. I am sorry for the loss everyone who knew him suffered. I chose the McMorrow version. He is not Chris Isaak, but with respect to your present situation, he bestows more feeling than HIM. It just seems more appropriate. I generally like rock better, but there is a time and place for everything.

    I'm not certain there is tragedy in life. Only life. Extract the happiness, my friend.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Right now I'm just thankful we had that last conversation. That was a blessing.

      As for the covers of the song... both are very different than the Chris Isaak version. I've found that my own vote goes back and forth depending on my mood of the day...

      Delete
  24. My brother-in-law played that song on repeat about nine million times when he was in high school and had his first heartbreak. ;) I am going with the first version, the second one is too slow for my liking. I vote HIM.

    I'm sorry you lost your Jack, Robin. :(

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. There is something about the Chris Isaak version that meshes perfectly with heartbreak. Listening to that song on repeat makes perfect sense to me!

      Thanks, Rosey. It's getting better (for me) as I make peace with it.

      Delete
  25. Hi Robin.

    My new-found appreciation for metal compels me to vote for HIM. An interesting battle with great choices.

    Thank you for sharing your story of Jack. Some of us have been there, and empathize. Wishing you a speedy and bless-filled healing.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Got you down for HIM.

      That is the thing about these Soundtrack posts I like most: my experience is mine, but the feelings are universal. Maybe we can all be a bit better for understanding and recognizing that one simple fact.

      Delete
  26. First, I'll vote for HIM.

    Oh Robin, I'm so glad you had that last conversation too. You look beautiful and sexy in that photo - as he saw you, and as you are. I know the pain of having lost a man you loved to suicide. I felt like my ex-husband's suicidal/deeply depressed energy took over my body for a while after I learned of his death by suicide. Thankfully, you and I are strong enough to reach out and find some semblance of meaning in times of despair. Tragically, others aren't. I'm so sorry. Love to you. Be gentle with yourself. Okay?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. HIM it is.

      I actually thought of you after I wrote this up since we emailed and I was familiar with your story. Of all people, I knew that you would understand the myriad of feelings at play here. (You also chose to walk away, but it didn't mean you didn't love him.... just that you couldn't stay.) I like to think that he now has wisdom and understanding and PEACE that alluded him in this life. I'm striving for all that, too! (But in this life vs the other...)

      Delete
    2. I'm glad you know that I understand, Robin, even though each relationship is unique. I want to add that walking away equates with, in a sense, choosing life. You and I choose life. We're strong women, and we know it's the best option.

      Love to you.

      Delete
  27. Sorry for your loss but glad you had that conversation. The two versions of the song were quite different. I liked HIM but the vocals didn't really go with the music. James Vincent McMorrow version had more feeling to it so he gets my vote.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, Mike. It really was a blessing.

      James Vincent McMorrow it is!

      Delete
  28. My heart goes out to you and your friend's family.

    I love the original version of that song. Here I would have to pick the first one.

    ReplyDelete
  29. First: Very sorry for your loss.

    I'm familiar with the Chris Isaak version of this song; it's neither as forceful as HIM's nor as laid back as McMorrow's. HIM made the song theirs more than McMorrow did, though, so I'm going with theirs.

    ReplyDelete
  30. There's just nothing close to the original Chris Isaak's version. I wore out the CD wicked game from playing it so much. I also saw him on tour when the album was released and he was an amazing performer. Like many of the other comments- if I had to choose I would say HIM but still not a fan.
    Suicide is something hard to accept. Period. A very very close family member attempted it this year and I'm still really trying to process it. I am so sorry for your loss.

    ReplyDelete

You can now add YouTube videos in your comments by copy/pasting the link. AND/OR you can insert an image by surrounding the code with this: [im]code[/im]. In the case of images, make sure that your code is short and simple ending with something like .jpg. If you want to use a pic from someplace like Google Images, click on the image, then click on View Image. That is the code you want!

Dazzle Me!