Cancer. The Great Snatch and Grab.

I didn't pick my words for the year lightly. The Art of Allowing. Grace. I kinda sorta knew I was going to need them.

So many people were so happy to kick 2011 to the curb and I was one of them. I barely got in to 2011 and my father was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and it just derailed my life. One of the biggest things that I struggled to come to terms with last year was that I was losing one of two people who loved me unconditionally. Other people might say they do or want to, but your parents do. And they are really the only ones. So, when his six months turned into three and he died in May, well my motivation to do much of anything kinda sorta died with him. My migraines notched up, my chronic fatigue kicked in, my fibro went a little crazy, and I think that maybe I lost my mind a little. I didn't want to blog. I really didn't want to get out of bed. I spent more days than not in my pajamas. My mom was lucky to get me on facebook and play games. I found some games that would help with my memory and I decided that was good for me and fun. Mostly I didn't have to think about anything and that was what I wanted most. As luck would have it, I think it did help improve my memory to a point. I still get stuck sometimes, but it is better.

Then I started having balance issues. Then the inner ear diagnosis. And life just felt really hard again. I really should have seen that as the big build up.

Then my aunt and uncle come over for Christmas and she is not doing well. She is in a wheel chair because she is having trouble with her legs. She whispers to me on the side, "Oh Robin, Don't tell anyone because I don't want to ruin the holiday, but I think the cancer really got me this time." I find out she is going in for a PET scan that week. (And when I say "this time" it is only because this extremely tough woman has beaten cancer over and over again.") Well, she was admitted to the hospital before the results of her scan came in. And various teams kept coming in with conflicting news about what they were going to do.

In the end, there wasn't much to do. Once the PET scan results came in the decision was made. I happened to be there when this news was delivered because I was on my way to my therapy appt downtown. There was cancer in her lungs. Fluid in her lungs. The doctor didn't want to say it. Stage 4. It was like all of the oxygen left the room. It had also traveled to her lymph nodes. And all of the pain she was feeling was because it was in her bones. Pretty much all of her bones. She has holes in her bones.

There is something about hearing Stage 4. For me, that day, I was right back in 2011. It was my dad all over again. And I was drowning in it. I suppose it was a good thing that I couldn't stay due to my therapy appt. It game me the opportunity to go and cry through that appt. And then all evening at home.

By the next day, I had some perspective. As terrible as this is for me, and it is bad. I love my aunt. We moved here in 1997 to be closer to her. So, this is a loss for me. However, this is not the loss of a parent. My mom is experiencing the loss of a sister. My uncle is experiencing the loss of a wife. My cousins are losing their mother. While this reminds me of my dad... this is not my dad. Unfortunately, my aunt doesn't have even close to the amount of time my dad had. Yesterday, the doctors are saying ONE WEEK. All of these people are having to mentally adjust to this loss in less than a week. I wasn't ready in three months.

The truth is that I am still not ready. But cancer doesn't wait until you are ready. It just snatches and grabs and all you are left with is a hole in your heart. Last time I drowned in it. This time I really want to find some Grace.

The Art of Allowing and Grace.

It is a little after midnight and I am rethinking my plan for Thursday's post. I was actually going to do a traditional Thursday post later... meaning after I go to bed in a few minutes and wake up on it "tomorrow." However, the response to all of my Here's To You posts wasn't the jump up and down excitement that I was hoping for when I posted them. I think maybe I was Thursday post deprived and threw too many out there all at once. And during the holidays when everyone is soooo busy, no less.

I also didn't account for the fact that people just plain stop reading your blog when you stop writing consistently. So, while I was ready for all of that HERE'S TO YOU love and awesomeness... I think I might have been the only one ready to take on so much at once. Chris hung in for a good bit of it. I am not sure if she watched all of the posts, but she did comment on most of them. (Yay Chris!)

Several bloggers in this ole blogosphere embrace a word or an idea for their New Year's Resolution as opposed to actual resolutions. I did that last year because it made more sense. Of course, mine got blown to bits when my dad was diagnosed with cancer. My whole life just went fizzle. Of course, I have spent days thinking about what I should choose this year and the only thing I can come up with is this: the Art of Allowing. And Grace. They definitely work hand in glove with one another.

The Art of Allowing, as I understand it, is making space for the things you want in your life. There is an art to that. You only have so much space. You do have to allow the good things in. They do not just come. Of course, life is always about lessons, and not all of them are good, and that is when we get to exercise Grace. The Art of Allowing and Grace. These are two things that I will get to use for the rest of my life, but I would like to focus on this year. I would like to become really excellent at Allowing good things into my life, and exercising Grace when a Life Lesson walks through the door instead.

So, in the spirit of Allowing, I will give you time to get caught up on your blog reading and watch my Here's To You Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and New Year Special. Yeah, I think I did four of them. Whew. The New Year One was a departure for me stylistically and I am curious about what you think about it.... If you like it, I will do it again. If not, well I still think you should always try something once! And the Grace part... I think the old me might have taken it personally that people stopped reading my blog, weren't as excited as I was, blah blah blah. Or maybe not. I don't know. I just believe now that we find the things that are meant to touch our lives when we are meant to find them. If we find them too soon, they don't impact us right. There really is a plan. So, perhaps Grace is always at work in its own way and I am just choosing to step outside of myself and see it more clearly.

As for that Thursday post, it is all written down and ready to go. That means dedications and all. So, when you all get back to your regular schedules and are ready for it, be on the lookout. I am thinking maybe next week. Yeah, the news will be old, which will mean you will have to dig a little deeper to figure out what I am referring to, but you can still shoot me an email. I am all about the Grace baby!!!!


image found at www.photobucket.com

HERE'S TO YOU ~ NEW YEAR'S STYLE

One of the things that I have NEVER done with a Thursday post is intersperse dialogue of explanation into a post. I decided that just once to ring in the New Year just might be the time. I am all about trying new things. And if you guys really like it, I just might do it again. That is how this blog rolls, after all. So we shall see.

So, in a bizarre sort of a way, I am going to tell a story. In my mind, all TV shows (non-reality), books, music, etc. tell stories. And we identify with them because they tell our story at some point in time. When the days comes that it hits us where we live, that is when we have the "aha" moment. Until then, it is just a story. And we all love a great love story, but we find ourselves crying our eyes out over the forgiveness stories, the people who have to work hard to beat the odds, people who keep getting tough life lessons and prevailing... these are the stories we love. These are our stories.

So, let us begin with a short clip from what has become a very inspirational show to me: Friday Night Lights. It is all of a minute and a half and it makes me cry every time.

It will not embed, so you have to click on the link. Sorry.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WBjP0AFZM3A&feature=related

Now, I hope you didn't cheat and actually watched the clip so that my commentary makes sense. That kid had more crap thrown at him while he was still in high school than most people get. And you have two choices... you can stay stuck in that bathtub or you can get out. That is it. You don't see it in that clip, but he gets it, and mentally gets out of the tub. Not everyone does. They might physically get out of the tub, but mentally be in the tub for the rest of their life blaming everyone else for their failures.

Let's take a look at our next life lesson:



I debated the many ways of putting this one up. This is from Gilmore Girls and showcases the sadness of the Luke/Lorelei breakup. I thought about posting the actual breakup, but there were too many scenes to really get the pain of it. This is way post break up and there is still so much freaking pain there. My point is that if two people really love each other deeply than they should forgive and work harder. These two BOTH made bad choices. Both need to forgive and both need to work at moving back together. I like to think that if the series hadn't been cancelled we would have eventually gotten to see that on film.

Which brings me to something that Chris over at a Deliberate Life (see my sidebar) has been talking about in her blog recently: How Bad Do Want It? This shall be discussed more fully after the clip:



I am just going to assume that you watched the video. The song was by Tim McGraw. Clips from Supernatural. I like the combo. They are literally fighting the supernatural (all manner of demons, etc.) and laying it all out on the line. So, they want it pretty bad. There is no half measures for them. Chris approaches her weight loss the same way. I think that if the rest of us approached our lives like that, the whole world would get spun on its ear. That really is the only question: how bad do you want it???? You want it bad enough and you will make it happen. 'Nuff said.

With that in mind, I love this next clip. It offers some perspective on this here world:



Every town is a Devil Town. Just so you know, my original thought was to put this to a Buffy clip but one doesn't exist. However, that would have been selfish, simply because I have been experiencing Buffy withdrawals here. And it would have been deceptive. I could have used the original music video, but I don't like it. So, I went with the FNL video, which is where I found the song. Plus, it lends itself to it. All of the people in that town are good and bad. They all stand up and they all fall down. The thing is you choose. Every day. Vampires are energy suckers. Every day you choose whether or not you are going to be one. Each day that you choose to give and not suck, it gets easier to make that same choice the next day. Each day you choose to not let someone suck your energy, it gets easier to choose that the next day. Make no mistake. It is a Devil Town, but your CHOICE.

This next clip is absolutely perfect for forgiveness because it goes full circle:



In the beginning, you saw a man that after most of his adult life was still not ready to embrace forgiveness. You also saw that it was eating away at him. It hurt me to watch it. It hurt his family to watch it. In a few brief phrases, the old man (aka God) put an explanation to it that made me feel somewhat better about it. Forgiveness doesn't always happen all at once. And then Adam came along and sat down. He had been angry at Joan for months, pushed her out of his life, and denied the feelings he had for her. Then he SAID OUT LOUD why people do the stupid things they do to each other. Why they don't forgive. They are scared. Scared of being hurt. And he was tired of being scared. He was ready to let that go. Forgiveness did happen that day. Joan wanted her dad to find his missing note, but he wasn't ready. However, Adam was. It is a beautiful thing.

This song always makes me think of JJ, The Disconnected Writer (see the sidebar):



He always likes to throw out big philosophical questions and see how people respond to them. What if history started now, what kind of world would you want if you could have anything? Be careful what you wish for... I am curious to hear your thoughts. Though I hate to end my post on this note because you won't respond to any of the rest of my clips and I have put a lot of thinking into them. So, bring on those thoughts, but tell me what you think about everything else, too.


image found at www.weheartit.com