From the last post you can clearly see that things are headed toward Break Up with J2.
Here's how it went down:
We were both in a sorority and fraternity, and we both had semi-formals in the spring. So, probably several months in advance (one at least) I asked him to go with me to mine. If you will recall, this still felt like shaky ground to me. Nothing could be assumed. Imagine my chagrin when he didn't immediately reciprocate and ask me to go to his.
I remember the anxiety as the date drew closer. My formal was one weekend and his was the following weekend. We were down to one week before mine and nothing from him on this topic. Meanwhile, it's Friday (or Saturday) night and I'm at a party, and very likely well on my way to being smashed, when one of my guy friends from the second floor of my dorm asks me to go to his formal (one of my euchre pals). Obviously, this was dangerous territory. However, it was treacherous since his formal and J2's formal were the same night. In a moment of wild frustration (and plenty 'o anger), I said "Okay." I still didn't have a clue as to the many ways this could go wrong for me.
 |
| The "before" picture at my semi-formal |
So, what happened?
The topic came up at the worst possible moment: the night of my formal. One of his frat brothers and his girlfriend (who were long-time steadies and OBVIOUSLY going to the semi-formal together) are hanging out with us. We got a hotel room and were all sharing it. So, his friend says, "Next week let's all go hot tubbing. That would be so much fun."
And there it was. The moment of truth. Now, I could've (and should've) kept my big trap shut, waiting for a moment alone with J2 to explain the uncertainty about his formal, the other guy asking, and giving him the option of speaking his mind and clearing up the misunderstanding. Oh, but no, that's not what I did.
I said, "You all can do what you want, but I'm gonna be at the Frater formal."
Well, you could've heard a pin drop in that room. Talk about conversation stopper. It got extremely awkward and I can't say that J2 or I had much fun the rest of the night. Ironically, he didn't say ONE WORD about it. Not a word. I kept waiting and nothing.
 |
| The "after" picture... |
Another one of my friends was seriously dating one of his housemates so she was at his house the next day (the one after my formal and grand announcement). All the guys were out on the porch talking. She says to me that J2 just said over and over, "I can't believe she did that to me."
Well hell.
There are too many takeaways here to even list. I should've just come out and asked him if I was invited or not. I didn't because I was afraid I was NOT. However, that would've been better than the way events actually unrolled. Instead, I thought I was forcing his hand... making him see what was obvious to me... he hadn't asked me. He should've asked me. I thought, if he planned on us going to his formal together, he would've said something that night. That would've given us time to sort it out and I would've let the other guy know he needed to find another date. (I suppose my announcement that I was gonna be at the other guy's formal might've had something to do with that conversation not happening. I'm such an idiot.)
I shouldn't have assumed anything... from our dating status to what he'd do with my "news." Because it didn't happen even close to how I thought it would.
Instead, he was pissed. He never spoke to me again. Looking at it from his point of view, I can't say I blame him.
This will all fall down like everything else that was
This too shall pass and all of the words we said
We can't take back
This too shall pass and all of the words we said
We can't take back
Now every fool in town would've left by now
I can't replace all of the wasted days
The memory of your face, I can't help thinkin'
I can't replace all of the wasted days
The memory of your face, I can't help thinkin'
Maybe if we ever coulda kept it all together, where would we be
A thousand lost forevers
And the promises you never were giving me
A thousand lost forevers
And the promises you never were giving me
Here's what I'm thinking
It won't be the first heart that you break
It won't be the last, beautiful girl
The one that you wrecked won't take you back
If you were the last beautiful girl in the world
It won't be the last, beautiful girl
The one that you wrecked won't take you back
If you were the last beautiful girl in the world
So tell me one more time
How you're sorry about the way this all went down
You needed to find your space, you needed to still be friends
You needed me to
How you're sorry about the way this all went down
You needed to find your space, you needed to still be friends
You needed me to
Call you if I ever couldn't keep it all together you'd comfort me
You tell me about forever
And the promises I never should have believed in
You tell me about forever
And the promises I never should have believed in
Here's what I'm thinking
It won't be the first heart that you break
It won't be the last beautiful girl
The one that you wrecked won't take you back
If you were the last beautiful girl in the world
Last beautiful girl in the world
It won't be the last beautiful girl
The one that you wrecked won't take you back
If you were the last beautiful girl in the world
Last beautiful girl in the world
It's over now, I've gone without 'cuz you're everyone else's girl
It seems to me, you'll always be everyone else's girl
Everyone else's girl
This will all fall down like everything in the world
This too must end and all of the words we said
We can't take 'em back
This too must end and all of the words we said
We can't take 'em back
And it won't be the first heart that you break
It won't be the last, beautiful girl
The one that you wrecked won't take you back
If you were the last beautiful girl
It won't be the last, beautiful girl
The one that you wrecked won't take you back
If you were the last beautiful girl
It won't be the first heart that you break
It won't be the last, beautiful girl
The one that you wrecked won't take you back
If you were the last beautiful girl in the world
It won't be the last, beautiful girl
The one that you wrecked won't take you back
If you were the last beautiful girl in the world
The last beautiful girl in the world
You are the last beautiful girl in the world
Beautiful girl
You are the last beautiful girl in the world
Beautiful girl
If you're enjoying these posts, feel free to share your own Soundtrack. This isn't a hop. No requirements at all, but a suggestion to do it one song at a time. (If you participated in the hop several years ago, you can still do this. Just post them one song at a time, with the freedom to add more songs if you'd like.) I'll link to all participants at the bottom of each of these posts:
StMcC Presents BATTLE OF THE BANDS
Cherdo on the Flipside
Holli's Hoots and Hollers
THE DOGLADY'S DEN
Guys tend to be clueless about that stuff. That he hadn't asked you or mentioned it just didn't ping his radar. That probably added to the screwed up situation.
ReplyDeleteBased on his reaction amongst his friends the next day, I think we can all assume that he assumed I was going to his formal. As you say, he was pretty clueless. But I could've easily cleared it up by asking him straight out right after I asked him to mine... and he didn't ask me to his. If that happened now, I'd probably just stand there and wait expectantly and say something like, "Aren't you going to ask me something???" in that joking, but serious, voice, and he'd be all like... "Oh, you want to come with me to mine?" And then we could've laughed about the whole thing.
DeleteThis whole relationship is something I'd do differently NOW vs THEN. I just didn't have the capacity to travel the dating minefield at that time.
You NAILED it with that song!! Matchbox 20 \Rob Thomas has the perfect songs for any situation. That's 2 of my favorites in one week!
ReplyDeleteI could totally see you're point of view since he didn't ask you to his dance. That would have made me concerned and at this point in college, I wouldn't have assumed I would be his date either. It sucks that he never spoke to you again so you could ask him why he didn't reciprocate. Yes I have screwed up my share of relationships. There's a reason why I just married in my mid 40's.
It's interesting looking back on this one. I totally understand why I did everything I did at that time (not to say I'd do it the same now). I also understand (I think) why he did what he did. Not to say that he was "right," but I can see it from his POV, which I totally could NOT at the time.
DeleteLove me some Matchbox Twenty! I don't think you were wrong in the situation considering he didn't even ask you one week before his formal. Did he just assume you were going with him without an invitation?
ReplyDeleteYep, I think that's exactly what he assumed!
DeleteI most certainly have screwed up a (gorgeous and intense) relationship because of fear and lack of communication. And it wasn't even in college; I didn't have the excuse of being young and inexperienced. Yeah, I'll share that one in my Soundtrack series one of these days. It still haunts me.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the visit over at Quiet Laughter and the tips on BoTB and the Soundtrack posts! Much, much appreciated :)
Guilie, This isn't the last time I will have screwed up royally, which is why the lyrics are so incredibly fitting.
DeleteIt won't be the first heart that you break
It won't be the last, beautiful girl
Great song! Rob Thomas is soooo good.
ReplyDeleteRelationships are tough and unfortunately, we're all allowed to date when we are much to young to be running around with someone else's heart in our hands. Been there. I just wish maturity didn't follow, ha ha. Then we all look back painfully...
If we don't learn something from it, what's the point?
DeleteI can look at this now without the sting that came with it during the event. As StMc would say, "This was just another life lesson on this ole round school." And he would be right. It was.
I'm sorry I messed up my list and I'm sorry for the big guffaw that came out when you told me, ha ha. I fixed it...
DeleteI like this song!
ReplyDeleteInability to communicate has threatened my current relationship a lot. But we've always worked it out. I've only been in two serious relationships in my life, including the current. So yeah, not a whole lot of experience with this sort of thing..
All I can say is Keep Talking.
DeleteIt's when you stop communicating that it all goes down the drain.
My apology upfront for this comment.
ReplyDeleteGeez Louise... I find it sad when we make choices we don't like, but insist on keeping them. I'm reading you had a problem with accepting the other guy's invitation to begin with... so why commit? Why not tell him the truth - that you're hoping that someone else is reciprocating your formal invitation? I don't get it.
Maybe it's the fact that I had brothers, and they had friends - I watched this same scenario over and over - the girl gets blamed because... a, b, c... take your pick, as long as the guy gets off the hook.
>> "I can't believe she did that to me." What? Self destructed? Self sabotaged? I'm so glad you realized that alcohol was not your friend. Maybe it wasn't his friend either, which brings me to my point > it takes two to tango. He wasn't in it. The song is so negative, and resounds with hatred toward women... and I actually like some of Matchbox's stuff.
Dixie, You must remember that I'm looking back on something that happened 25+ years ago. I suspect that if he were to write his own Soundtrack post his take on these events would be different than they were at the time. We all grow up (hopefully) and see things differently in hindsight. But, I think this was how he felt at the time. He assumed we were going to his formal and my announcement was like a slap in the face (from his perspective).
Delete<<<<---Geez Louise... I find it sad when we make choices we don't like, but insist on keeping them. I'm reading you had a problem with accepting the other guy's invitation to begin with... so why commit? Why not tell him the truth - that you're hoping that someone else is reciprocating your formal invitation? I don't get it.
I don't get it either. Why didn't I tell the other guy that I had a boyfriend who very likely expected me to go to his formal, but hadn't yet asked, and so thanks for asking, but no??? I don't have a good answer for it. I was immature. Stupid. Naive. Angry. Immature would probably apply best.
I could've sugarcoated this story or written it in such a way that he was the bad guy and I was the put upon person. In other words, it was all HIS fault. But that wasn't the truth. We both screwed the pooch on this one.
Now, I'm not living in this moment any longer. It happened the way it happened. But, it's part of the history. Part of the "soundtrack" and it isn't the worst mistake I've made... by far.
And, for the record, I still haven't figured out that alcohol was not my friend. It's a hole that I continued to fall in for a good many years. I think we can say Slow Learner.
Oh been there and full of angst about what he may be thinking and what i should do or not do. Now I know he is thinking about the next sandwich he will eat. Men are clueless but if he was really into you, he would have confirmed. To not ever speak to you again tells me he was also quite immature. Communication is a 2-way street. Could it have been handled better? Sure but hindsight is 20/20. He certainly could have talked to you he simmered down.
ReplyDeleteYes, that is true. It's also true that I could've walked over to his house the day after the formal (and hearing the story from my friend about what he said) and said, "Let's talk about this." BUT, I didn't do that. So, there is plenty of culpability to spread around.
DeleteOn one hand that may've come across as undermining and passive-aggressive on your part. On the other hand, you were being assertive and meeting your needs. He clearly had some communication issues himself, and should've have assumed you knew things that weren't communicated. The relationship wouldn't have likely lasted anyway. Right? My point: quit beating yourself up, Robin. You did fine. Not perfect, but none of us is.
ReplyDeleteOops, I meant: he shouldN'T have assumed things that weren't communicated were known by you. =)
DeleteI think passive aggressive is probably more true. Ha! I say that with a chuckle, but it's also true. I was definitely not the best version of myself that night.
DeleteI'm not beating up myself too hard. We both messed this one up.
It is a shame that relationships don't come with a manual. I probably would have done just what you did. And think of how stupid I'd look in a dress! I have that tendency to "shake the bush and see what comes out" too. And how does that work for me? Meh. But your J2 brought it on himself.
ReplyDeleteI never thought of it that way, CW, but you're right. I just decided to shake the tree and see what landed. Turns out, nothing good.
DeleteHave you ever royally screwed up a relationship that you really cared about out of fear? An inability to communicate? Or some other misunderstanding?
ReplyDeleteYoung lady, I am the world's leading authority at screwing up relationships! And I have a black belt in poor communication, with an MBA in Misunderstanding.
Larry
Your comment made me laugh. As this rolls out, you'll see that I may just have you beat!
DeleteI am sensing a "failed relationship" Super Bowl....
DeleteWell, I'm single, LC... Whadda ya think????
DeleteI now recommend to women that they opt for a puppy rather than dating me...the puppy is far cuter, will communicate better, and can be trained not to sleep on the couch.
DeleteI almost forgot...the puppy is probably smarter, too!
DeleteGet a puppy.... hahahaha. That's a good one.
DeleteEmotional landscapes. Ask a guy just to define it and I think you'd get a The Look from 90% of the men out there. Especially the 20 and under variety.
ReplyDeleteHow could she do this to me?
ReplyDeletelol.
ummm...you had no codified or defined relationship.
He hadn't asked you.
and at the end of the day, when he could have put up a fuss he said "How could she do this to me?"
not us?
bullet dodged.
You make me laugh.
DeleteYeah, there was immaturity to go around!
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
ReplyDeleteI think we all can look back at some of the things we did in years past and wonder, "What the hell was I thinking? WHY did I do (or say) that???" But hopefully, we live and learn. Obviously, neither of you was ready for a relationship at that point, because true relationships are built on communication, and neither of you was quite ready for that yet. But not your fault, and not his fault. Blame it on your combined immaturity, and perhaps to a lack in self-confidence.
ReplyDeleteYeah, that's what I'm thinking.
DeleteI wonder what he would say about it NOW. Perspective is a funny thing.
GIRL WONDER ~
ReplyDeleteAs you now know, this is one that shipwrecked due to inexperience. Both of you played a part in the demise but it would have been so easy for you to have saved it... which no doubt adds to the painful memory of it.
Sure, he should have asked you about it, but the brains of men and women are wired totally differently and that's why we often don't "get" each other. (I have shared with you those videos by that Christian marriage counselor guy who explains all this in a very funny but incredibly accurate way, haven't I?)
Back then, had you asked him if he was taking you to his formal, he likely would have answered with something like, "Well, duh!" or "Whadaya think, for crying-out-loud? No, I'm taking your grandma." Because, see, guys as a rule aren't talkers - we just process a situation and make our assumptions / decisions. Women, on the other hand, wanna talk about everything. Neither is right or wrong, it's simply the way our brains are literally "wired".
Example: Women need to talk about romance and want to hear their guy say "those three little words". Guys don't say those words a whole lot because they figure their actions are speaking louder than those words could, anyway. And guys are more likely to "do" than "talk".
So, this was just a very sad outcome, and I'll bet to this day he doesn't understand how / why it all went south. He should have asked you rather than assumed you knew. And you should have spoken up when you were carrying such confusion about the issue.
Lesson learned.
Too bad though, because in that second photo, dude looks like John Milner from 'American Graffiti'. And there was nuttin' wrong with John Milner's looks in 'American Graffiti'.
~ D-FensDogG
'Loyal American Underground'
Yeah, I think that we can safely say that this one shipwrecked due to inexperience. Now, how the heck am I going to splain all the disasters that come after this one????
DeleteYes, I did watch those videos on how men and women communicate. They were very funny (and still true).
I would love to find out what he thought about this at the time (now) and how he sees it now. BUT, I can't find him on social media anywhere, which is probably for the best, because that conversation might be as awkward as the one on the night of my formal;)!
He was a handsome fella. And a nice one. I don't want to paint him any other way. He wasn't a good communicator, but he was a heck of a nice guy. We just weren't on the same page... at all.
It really sounds like the two of you had different ideas about your relationship status. He was assuming you were a couple but not communicating that to you. Sorry it ended so painfully.
ReplyDeleteSusan Says
Yep, we had differing ideas on what the "status" was. I think some people, and when I say "some people," I mean ME, has to learn things the hard way. When in doubt: ask!
DeleteDifficult situation. I wouldn't have known what to do. I fuck up frequently. If "fuck" bothers you, then please feel free to delete my comment. Sometimes it's the word I want and no other word will do.
ReplyDeleteLove,
Janie
There are times when no other word will do. So... noted! Glad you get this one:)
DeleteHi, dear Robin! I think a scenario similar to this unfolded on an old episode of Leave It To Beaver when Wally ended up with two prom dates. Or maybe it was Mary Stone or Betty Anderson that I'm thinking about.
ReplyDeleteI see that many people have already commented. I haven't yet read any of the comments or replies. I promise that I am not going to copy off of someone else's paper or suck up to you and tell you what I think you want to hear in an attempt to score bloggy friendship points. That said, I honestly do fully support you and blame J2 for having the arrogance to assume that you and he were going to his formal. It implied that you were a possession of his and could be taken for granted. It is tradition and common courtesy for the man to ask the woman to an event of that magnitude and to do it in a timely manner so she isn't kept in the dark until the last minute. It served him right that you made other plans and dropped the bombshell when you did right in front of his friends. I don't care if you got smashed and hurled in the bushes. (I admired those traits in a girl because I did plenty of the same.) The point is that you deserved respect like anyone else and he didn't give it to you. Instead he became complacent and overconfident. He got burned, his ego got bruised and he broke it off with you. Shady says it was his loss.
The comments have been interesting.
DeleteI see this as both parties making mistakes. If either one of had done even one thing differently, the outcome would've been entirely better. If he'd asked, called more regularly, actually stated our "status" out loud (and acted accordingly)... any of those things would have helped. If I'd asked about the dance, turned down the other guy, or even not dropped the bomb in front of his friends... well, we could've talked about it like reasonable adults.
Alas, none of that happened. Honestly, I think it's a bit of a shame for both of us. But, I still appreciate you saying he was the Bigger Loser. (in that he lost me!) Ha!
:-O
Delete~ D-FensDogG
Shady knows what he's talkin' about. Good comment, Shady.
Delete:-O
Delete~ D-FensDogG
This made me sad. It's something I would have been thinking about all these years later, too...an epic failure to communicate that niggled forever. Somewhere in the world, I hope J2 gets a chance to read this post.
ReplyDelete