Natalie Gauci: 15
Michael Buble: 9
I'm with the majority on this one. I thought Natalie Gauci blew it out of the park. However, that isn't to say that I didn't/don't enjoy the Michael Buble version. In other words, no matter how this turned out, I'd have been fine with it. Two very fine versions of a wonderful song.
If you didn't read the last Soundtrack post, I suggest you back up one. This is really an extension of that one.
Okay, so you're caught up, right? It's sophomore year and my parents are divorcing. Here's the "rest of the story" that you really need to know for everything that comes down the line to make sense. I said in a previous post that I had no good role models for how "good marriage works."
My parents: My father was wonderful with my brother and I. Always willing to talk and listen. Not so much with my mom. I don't know when they quit trying, but I know it grieved my mother greatly. There were times she'd stand in the bathroom and cry while we were both getting ready in the morning. At the time, I was sure it was something I'd done (but I had no idea what and wasn't brave enough to ask). Turns out, it was just the gulf between her and my dad. One that she never could cross. He was distant and cold, and I suspect the harder she tried to bridge it, the faster he ran for higher ground. That would be Model #1 on Marriage.
My grandparents: My grandpa was horribly abusive to my grandma. In point of fact, abuse ran all the way down my grandma's family tree. Her mother, my great grandmother, had seven sisters. Every last one of them married an abusive man. Some were alcoholics. Others not. None of them nice. On visits to their house, I'd listen to my grandma give my mom the update on "the sisters," and it was one case of abuse after another. For my grandma, this was the "normal" way to live. She was surrounded by abuse and accepted it from my grandpa daily. It was very hard to watch. That would be Model #2 on Marriage.
My dad's mom (nanny) and that whole side of the family really: My dad's mother divorced five times. As did her mother (my great grandmother), which was unheard of in those days. My aunt was divorced for the third time (I think) most of my life. But she had boyfriends who came and went. So, it was the opposite end of the spectrum over there. There was a lot of kicking to the curb happening and a strict No Tolerance Policy of... well anything. I think the lesson was "leave them before they can leave you"... or something like that. That would be Model #3 on Marriage.
It's all really messed up. I know it.
Then there's my own takeaway on what love looks like: If it doesn't hurt, it isn't love. I guess I pulled all of those scenarios together, and that's what I decided on. How do I know this? Well, if it wasn't hurting me, I didn't trust it. Of course, when it hurt too much, I had to leave it. But, the only thing I had any faith in was the storm.
Like I said, messed up.
Now, given that, you'd think I'd hate this song, but I LOVE it. And the video is freakin' awesome.
Have you noticed how the relationships of those closest to you influenced your own choices? Were you lucky enough to have good role models or have you, too, been trying to overcome faulty belief systems?
If you're enjoying these posts, feel free to share your own Soundtrack. This isn't a hop. No requirements at all, but a suggestion to do it one song at a time. (If you participated in the hop several years ago, you can still do this. Just post them one song at a time, with the freedom to add more songs if you'd like.) I'll link to all participants at the bottom of each of these posts:
StMcC Presents BATTLE OF THE BANDS
Cherdo on the Flipside
Holli's Hoots and Hollers
Ah my role models were not great either. There was a lot of alcoholism in my family (the men). Looking back I wonder why the women put up with so much...
ReplyDeleteIt was a different time, Rosie. That's why the divorces on my dad's side of the family were so shocking. No one divorced back then. I can't say that this era of prevalent divorce is better. I think we need to get mentally healthier as individuals if we want to see better behavior in society as a whole.
DeleteHey BTW, I posted a soundtrack to my life today.
ReplyDeleteI love this song! Both my parents were divorced too many times to mention each. I was very jaded. I was afraid of marriage and was a runaway bride on 2 occasions. Its no surprise to me that I married for the first time at the age of 45. It took a lot of growing up and painful heart breaks to get to that moment.
I modified the link above to show you're participating.
DeleteYeah, the song is great!!!
I think our lives looked very much alike! I can't say that I was a runaway bride twice, though I was engaged in my 20s and broke it off. In hindsight, as messed up as that relationship was, it was still better than the one I married into. Yikes. I'm hoping that I'll get it right still... someday.
What a shame your whole family had a warped sense of marriage and love. I do think the relationships around us influence our own choices in life.
ReplyDeleteI suspect that overcoming this junk was a big part of the reason I'm here. It's all about learning your lessons!
DeleteHello again, my Floridian friend! Thanks for letting us know the outcome of your BOTB. I have been making the rounds of participating blogs and have noticed that, so far, I have voted with the majority in each and every battle. Last round it was the opposite.
ReplyDeleteIt makes me ill to think about abuse in all its forms, how it is passed along from generation to generation and how it comes to be perceived as normal. Among my relatives there were a couple of offenders that come to mind. My uncle was verbally and physically abusive to his wife and two sons. When he drank (which was every day) he became obnoxious and argumentative. Whenever my family visited my uncle and his family we noticed a tension in the air and knew that things might turn ugly at any moment. They inevitably did. If my aunt tried to join the conversation around the dinner table my uncle would shout her down and shut her up. If one of his sons did something to displease him he would make me watch as he repeatedly punched his son on the shoulder at the same spot over and over again, until the boy was flushed red with embarrassment and humiliation and tears were streaming down his cheeks. The pattern of abuse remained uninterrupted until my uncle's death at a relatively early age.
The other offender I wish to tell you about was an alcoholic. He would order his wife to run out to the liquor store and buy him booze, consume it all in record time and order her to run out again and buy more the same night. On one occasion he picked up a lamp and was preparing to bash their daughter over the head with it. When his wife intervened to protect the girl he wrestled her to the floor and choked her unconscious. It took many years for the wife to summon the courage to pack up her kids and leave him.
I was lucky to have been raised in a two parent environment and to have a gentle, soft spoken father who never laid a hand on my mother in anger. I don't remember him every saying an unkind word to her. My dad's attitude and behavior influenced the way I have interacted with women most of my life. Sadly, as a teenager and young adult, I encountered far too many women who regarded nice guys as boring and were instead attracted to bad boys who neglected them, cheated on them and abused them. When I realized that being a nice guy wasn't working, I adopted the look, attitude and behavior of a bad boy in order to make myself more attractive to women. I kept myself numb with alcohol and drugs to make it easier to live a lie.
Thank you, dear friend Robin, and enjoy the rest of your Monday!
Sounds like you had your fair share of negative role models in the family, but your parents were a (good) exception.
DeleteMaybe the lesson for you was that you didn't want those girls who wanted those bad boys. And in becoming a bad boy, you probably got all the wrong girls. It's funny how when we get what we think we want, we no longer want it. And, worse, when we try to live as someone we aren't it's a painful soul experience. To continue the charade required alcohol and drugs. That's no way to live.
I'm hoping that you figured all that out and in doing so began living your Real Life.
Those are a lot of bad examples. My parents fought a lot when we were young but looking back I understand now that they were under a lot of financial stress. But they worked through it and my husband's parents were together for over fifty years. My husband and I are celebrating 33 years together later this month and we've tried to present a good model. Too early to know if we did.
ReplyDeleteIn reading these responses I've noticed that people whose parents stayed together tended to choose as boyfriends/girlfriends, and ultimately spouses, someone whose parents also stayed together. And then they stayed together. Whereas, people of divorce (or severe dysfunction) tend to choose other children of divorce to date (and divorce). Patterns tend to continue, be they good or bad, unless someone deliberately sets out to break them.
DeleteI'd say you did a good job if you and the hubs are still "celebrating" versus cooking up ideas to torture one another:)
Yeah, I think I'm traveling a similar path. I'm in my 40s now and really hope that I can get myself well enough to attract the sort of person I want AND appreciate them. Not sure either of those things was even possible before.
ReplyDeleteI try to learn from the good and bad parts of relationships I've seen from others. Particularly my parents. I think I had to figure out what I wanted on my own. It's not an easy thing for guys to see things from another's point of view, which is where I think the breakdown really starts.
ReplyDeleteCertainly seeing things from another person's perspective makes navigating a relationship easier. Once again, I think people who watched their parents do that have an easier time accepting that's how it should be done. If your parents were never able to see it from the viewpoint of the other person... well, that's the lesson, unfortunately.
DeleteI was a good girl and read the last post which i meant to on the weekend and lost time. I have had clients where the woman was/is married to an abusive alcoholic and when talking with my client, find out her mom suffered the same thing and so on. I find it intriguing how the person went for the same type of man and not the exact opposite. As I mentioned before, my parents were vocal but they loved each other deeply. They would fight about the business and me when i was a teenager. My dad was 66 when I was just 15 and an old timer (born in 1913) so he had a hard time with me becoming a teenager. I was actually a good girl but he wanted me to stay 5. Anyhoo, my former in-laws never argued according to the kids which i think they did but they would never do this in front of the kids. They also had a wonderful marriage. It worked for them. Now would I have wanted to be married to my mom-in-law-no way!! She was a sweet lady but she could talk and talk. She would also be "princess" like but she good for my dad in law. My parents were good for each other. I noticed that despite arguing or not arguing and all the differences, they communicated with one another. They enjoyed discussions and they thought the same way about life. They may have liked different things but their philosophy gelled. Now my ex and I are still great friends. He is not with anyone as far as I know and I have been with my current "hubby" for 9 years and we argue but it feels true blue. I learned what I don't want and I became healthier in mind and spirit as a result
ReplyDeleteTrue enough about patterns.
DeletePeople who can communicate have a much healthier marriage than those who don't (and divorce or stay together). I'm glad that you feel like you've got someone with whom you can create a healthy life. Sooooo important.
I found your blog by reading comments on Holli's Hoots and Hollers. I love the idea of soundtracks of my life. There are so many songs that have been my soundtracks. I came from parents who were children of parents with intact marriages. My dad's parents died early in his life but were always together. My moms parents were together but one would wonder why. My mom was married 3 times and 2 of those times were to alcoholics. Interesting way to think of marriage. I just lost my second husband. He was a treasure. The first one was NOT!
ReplyDeletePaula, If you decide you want to participate, let me know and I'll add your name to the link list. There aren't any rules to this thing. I'm moving chronologically, but you can do yours however you like!
DeleteWhen you begin to look you can see the patterns, as well as how those relationships caused you to view relationships in general. When you can do that, it allows you to toss out ideas that you know aren't healthy or true. And that's how you can begin to build something that will actually work. Sounds like maybe you've worked some of that stuff out already!
That's a lot of pain in one family. Thinking abuse is the norm is not only conditioned, it comes from low self image. I've been there, although not with a divorce, just a couple bad relationships.
ReplyDeleteLow self image and seeing nothing else. My great grandfather was abusive in his own way. At one time, he was a drinker. Even after he quit he was always a tough cookie. I just don't think my grandma ever saw a whole lot of love, so she didn't know how to create it (or walk away from someone who wasn't capable of giving it). But, yes.
DeleteRobin: We all handle pain in different ways. I ignore it, but if re-living it helps you, I'd be happy to oblige. Just call or e-mail me. I am a better friend than I am a blogger. You know how to reach me. Anytime.
ReplyDeleteWell, I tried ignoring a good bit of it and I got migraines. That hasn't worked out so great. So, now I'm using this blogging medium to see what triggers migraines and what doesn't. It helps me to know what junk I need to release so that I can have a healthier future.
DeleteI can't imagine you wanting to hash this garbage out on the phone. Heck, I don't even want to do that.
Sometimes just accepting the things that happened and deciding you're okay with them is enough to move forward and past it. Other times, it's not and that's the stuff I bring to my therapist so that we can really figure out how to abolish that crap once and for all!
Of course, not every post in this soundtrack series is going to be Terrible. But I'm not leaving the tough stuff out either.
Oh darn; my Michael didn't win! Oh well, maybe next time.
ReplyDeleteI like this "soundtrack of your life" idea and am inspired to start something similar. Thanks for the inspiration.
I grew up with an alcoholic father and my my mother was dysfunctional in other ways, so I can relate to your story. Writing is cathartic and I hope it helps in letting the past go.
Yes, this is all part of my plan to let it go!
DeleteI've heard that divorce kind of gets passed down the line I guess because it's the role modeling thing. I thought I'd have a good marriage. I hope my divorces don't influence my daughters in any marital way. Actually I only have one who is married and they seem to have a solid marriage.
ReplyDeleteArlee Bird
A to Z Challenge Co-host
Road trippin' with A to Z
Tossing It Out
At the time, I didn't think my parent's divorce would affect my life in a tangible way. It's only now that I realize how faulty that thinking was. It's the ideas we get about marriage and divorce that are so wrong, and we just don't know it. However, I believe the person that wants to can overcome anything.
Delete>>... Were you lucky enough to have good role models or have you, too, been trying to overcome faulty belief systems?
ReplyDeleteWell, BOTH, really. My parents were GR-RR-REAT! Couldn't ask for better parents! They had problems with each other (as mentioned previously) but they stayed together for the sake of us kids and things were pretty good in the later years.
As far as "faulty belief systems" go... my Ma was raised Catholic and my Pa was raised "New Age". It took me many, many years of countless books read and serious, objective study before I was able to recognize that BOTH of them had been wrong in some very important religious/spiritual matters.
Tonight (technically "last night", now), I posted my third installment of 'The Soundtrack Of Your Life'.
~ D-FensDogG
'Loyal American Underground'
Yeah, well, I think we all discover in the end that we didn't have everything absolutely right. Sometimes we're closer than others.
DeleteOverall, it sounds like your parents did the best they could with their kids and it turned out a-okay.
Hi Robin,
ReplyDeleteI've read and reread your post, Robin. It takes my head a lot to try an absorb what I'm reading as of late. I apologise for my brevity in reply.
What I do realise is that what we observe from our family, all the good and the bad, does impact on how we are. It's how we relate and define the lessons in our own lives.
All I know is that I have a father who may or may not be alive. The sad part is I really don't care if he is alive or dead. My life is pretty screwed up. So, we both know that what transpires during our childhood and the traumatic bits does not mean we should feel guilt over situations that we did not create.
My friend, you do well. Sorry about my disjointed comment.
Gary
I'm sorry that the relationship with your father has deteriorated to this point. However, since you and your son are close, it sounds like you decided to use what he did as your guidebook on what not to do. Sometimes, that works out pretty well!
DeleteIt's good that you're writing about your experiences to help in your healing process. I had a discussion with my brother about how long it takes to get over things, and I told him that everyone heals in their own way. There is no right or wrong amount of time, and no one else can ever measure another person's pain. I know this process will make you stronger, Robin.
ReplyDeleteJulie
I do believe I am "over" a lot of this now. The tapping therapy I've done since moving back here has really helped me to let so much go. Writing it down like this let's me know if it's still an issue or if I'm over it. Fortunately, it turns out that I'm over most of it. Every now and then I discover a "trouble spot."
DeleteI do believe the people who let go sooner are better off. The more you hold on to stuff, the worse it is for you. Now, that's an opinion based solely on my own experience.