HERE'S TO ME WITH A BANG

I am going to attempt something that just isn't in my nature. I am going to try and be concise. I will mix that up with links to previously written blogs for those of you who want more information and songs that give you a sense of how I feel. There is nothing like a song to convey a feeling. That is why many of you get songs for your HERE'S TO YOU footage. Music speaks to my soul.


I have had five people in my life that I met and instantly felt a connection to them. It was like I knew them forever. It happened the first time when I was in the 7th grade standing outside of health class on the first day of school. Her name was Jennifer. We became best friends. Looking back on it, I think our friendship was similar to the two women in BEACHES. I was the Bette Midler character and she was the quieter, stabilizing force. I could put a Wind Beneath My Wings video on here. Pretend I did and think about the song in your head. We went to different colleges. I loved college. I didn't find out until after it was all over that she didn't. We have never lived in the same place since high school. We have kept in touch.

In college, my freshman year was an out of control roller coaster ride. I was determined to see who I would be if Let Go of who I was in high school and tried on being someone else. That is scary sh*t. Aside from majoring in music, which was completely detrimental to my spirit, that was the only thing that was familiar ~ and bad. My sophomore year turned around in a huge way. I met all three of the people who were instant connects (like Jennifer from high school) that year. Ironically, the first was another Jennifer. I guess we will call her Jen to keep her separate. The other was My First Love. You can read that story here. And the other was Sue. That connection was strong enough that I joined Sue's sorority instead of Jen's, even though I just met her through the Rush process. I just knew it was the Right Place for me to be.

After we all graduated college, Jen, Sue, and I lived together. Then Sue and her boyfriend lived on their own and Jen and I got our own place. Then MFL came back and I left NYC altogether and moved in with him. You know that story. While I was gone, Jen met a guy and decided to get married. I flew up for the wedding. The guy she was marrying was black. Okay. He was also Islamic. Less okay. He needed a greencard. Not okay. However, she assured me this was true love. It is hard to know what is what when you aren't there. After MFL and I broke up, and I was living back home, I finally started getting the real story. (We'll just call him A, because I can't spell his name.) Make that pieces of the story because she never told me the whole story. She would tell Sue and Sue would tell me. A quit his job. A told Jen to her face this she was his wife and that this other woman was his mistress (when she caught him cheating on her two months into the marriage). A went shopping every day for expensive clothes and shoes. Jen started hiding her ATM card because A was financially breaking her. A spent his nights looking for hidden ATM card while she was sleeping. When he found it, he would sneak out and withdraw the max amount out of the account. A had no intention of getting a job or giving up the mistress.

Don't forget to turn off my music player at the bottom of the page.



I wrote a blog that explains all of this very coherently and you can read it here. However, if you don't want the explanation that really explains anything, she got involved with another guy. A worse guy after A left her. A got his green card and his mistress pregnant. In my other blog I explain all of the ways this guy is worse. By this time, my relationship with MFL was over and I was living at home. I couldn't even talk to her about what was going on in my life, which was a freakin' nightmare. You can read about that here. She clearly had no clue about making good decisions. And I wasn't doing much better if you read my blog. In other words, it would be like one mental patient asking another one for advice. Really not the best way to go. Anyway, I felt like I dealt pretty well with her and her mess until she started talking about moving to Africa with him. He, too, was Islamic. I suggested that was not a good idea. She didn't listen to me. We stopped talking. Oh, and I called her parents (who knew nothing about this relationship to give them a heads up). My feeling was that so long as she was in this country she could leave. I totally didn't understand verbal/emotional abuse AT ALL. I did understand that she wasn't thinking straight.



Okay, that wasn't a song. That was a "you didn't have my back" clip. I decided it was more direct. After I made that call to her parents, I was done. I didn't have her back. I had my problems. My burdens. My weight. And I couldn't stomach what she was doing. I knew that she let A walk all over her, and I had no doubt that this guy was doing it, too. It's not like I stopped accepting Jen's calls. She stopped making them. It does run both ways. Do I wish that I had done it differently now? Yes. I was hearing about abuse. I just didn't know it. I didn't know what it looked or sounded like. I do now. I love this clip for two reasons. The song lyrics (obviously) and the superhero. I sort of have a hero complex. Everyone deserves at least one save in their lifetime. Actually, it would be really nice to get a do-over. Those are only worth anything if you can remember what you did wrong the first time, though...



Where was I? Oh yeah, not speaking to Jen and not getting that she is being verbally/emotionally abused. Also had my own bad experience with the Long con. Man that sucked. Oh, my other friend, Jennifer got married somewhere in there to a fellow named Dave. It was his second marriage and he had two boys. She had her hands full even though he wasn't the primary custodial parent. They were both in school working on graduate degrees. My mind is deserting me. You know... the upper level stuff. And they were working. Obviously, they were busy.

I moved to GA with mom and went through what I think of as the Seinfeld years in terms of my dating life. That isn't what this blog is about. Then I met and married the man who is now my ex. His kids moved in and I started to understand a lot of stuff that I didn't get before. Wait. Back up. In 1999, Sue invited me to go to Europe with her. It was this company trip she had to go on. Jen went the previous year to Australia. Yes, they were still talking. Just before I left, Jen called me on my cell. It was terrible timing. I was rushing around like a crazy person. However, it was soooo good to talk to her. Sue and I spent our two weeks abroad. Jen was still with the horrible guy. Sue gave Jen her house key so that Jen would take care of her cats. Well, that was THE dealbreaker all the way around. Again if you will refer to the blog I already wrote it explains this. You can click here. But, what happened severed their relationship permanently. And it stuck me squarely in the middle. The ball was in my court to call Jen back. If I did, I would alienate Sue. If I didn't, my relationship with Jen was likely over.

This is cranking up my migraine just thinking about it. Again, I didn't understand where Jen was living. I didn't call her. Fast forward to my own life and marriage and I completely understand where Jen is living. However, the circumstances remain the same. Then, Sue's sister (who she was never that close to) is killed in a car accident. Her vehicle was hit by a drunk driver. Sue was pregnant at the time (this is a very big deal b/c it was not easy). I don't know if she shut all of her friends out, but I know she shut me out. She said that she pretty much was only able to deal with her family and work. Period. I was okay with that. I thought that it would last for a few months. It turned out to be years. I think it was six years ago. We used to talk on the phone all of the time. We have talked on the phone maybe twice since then. I guess she's still not ready. If I had known, I was going to get cut out like a bad fungus, I might have thought things through a little harder on how to handle things with Jen.



I know that video is intended more for romantic relationships. In fact, I feel that way about Right Guy whenever I hear it, too. So, it's a toss-up for me. Phoenix posted a blog about how painful it is when friendships end. It really can be more painful than the other kind. You know that a romantic relationship might go bottoms up. You expect your best friends to stick. When they don't, it's a kick in the teeth. I suppose that this might have been karmic payback. I chose one over the other. And then other dropped me and chose not to pick me back up. So there I lie.

In the middle of my horror of a marriage, Jennifer called. That would be the friend from high school. She is now out in California with Dave. She is frustrated. She is working on her PhD (I think that is as high as you can go) and working. Dave has quit the class thing. I don't know if he hit the pinnacle or just decided he was done. I think it was the latter. Anyway, he is not working at all. Or maybe part-time. Either way, it is not enough to keep their boat afloat. She is exhausted and non-confrontational. She knows the old me (before marrying my ex) who was kick ass and very confrontational when the situation required. That is why she called. She needed some kick ass infusion. Interestingly enough, I had it in abundance for other people. Just not for me. So, I gave her the pep talk that she wanted. The "you need to pull your weight in this marriage" speech. I can't remember if they had their baby yet or not. I gave her the speech that I needed to give my own husband. (Somebody shoot me.)

They were another couple who had a terrible time getting pregnant, btw. I did get the annual Christmas letter and I think it was not long after that conversation that the baby news came. The next year it was a picture of baby Jessica. The next time it was by email, and it was to find out that Dave had died of cancer. That was why he was so tired. By the time he finally saw a doctor the cancer had spread to his lymph nodes. I told her to tell him to get off his butt and get a job. Terrible advice. I should have told her to get him to the doctor tomorrow, if not sooner. If I had given her THAT advice they might have caught his cancer before it spread to his lymph nodes. That phone conversation is the last time we actually talked. It's all been email since then. I am not sure I can bear to actually talk to her. Or maybe she can't bear to actually talk to me. If so, I can't say that I blame her. Really terrible advice.



nickelback -someday @ Yahoo! Video


Okay, that is four of my instant connects down. That only leaves Right Guy. You can read about that crash and burn here.



What is new on that front? Well, nothing really in terms of actual stuff. In terms of me accepting that I need to let go that there will ever be anything... well, that is where I still get hung up. I understand now all of the things that I did wrong in that relationship. I also understand that all of those things were magnified by like a 1000 for him because he is bipolar and refuses to take medication for it. If you're sitting there thinking, "Well, that probably wasn't the healthiest relationship for you in the first place." You have a point. However, it is impossible to fight an instant connect. You don't get that many in your lifetime. I've had five. What I didn't have was an understanding of the disorder. I am not sure, even now, that I fully get it. I understand it better. Anyway, I know that I need to let him go. If he finds his way back to me... he does. If he doesn't, he doesn't. Instead, I find myself listening to this song a lot and coming up with a lot of unpleasant imagery. (Thank you Bath.)



And I actually sent him this video shortly after we moved here. I am pretty sure he didn't watch it since his pattern these days is pretending I am invisible.



So, yes, I know what drowning feels like. I don't like to talk about it. The more you talk about it, the more you feel it, the more you feel it, the more other feelings like it start to build on it. Negative builds on negative. This ~ this whole relationship deal ~ friends and boyfriends are like a big sucking chest wound that I have a band-aid on. I have a bunch of gauze wrapped around that. I don't know how to fix it. So, I focus my attention on other things that I do know how to do. By doing that, I don't bleed out. I can still find the good and the pretty in lots of things. And, maybe this whole thing will work a bit like forgiveness. My desire for it to work out will be enough. When I am in harmony for that which I desire it will come to be. It has to be so. The law of attraction dictates that it is true.

I suck at concise. Sorry.

Did anyone else get a *BANG* or was it just me?