Saturday, February 16, 2013

It's a name thing.

Yesterday I made this mistake regarding names on someone's blog (you know who are).  I read something in the comments leading me to believe that this person actually went by their middle name in real life.  That was actually not the case.  It was just a crazy coincidence.  Yeah, I don't much believe in those, but they do happen.  Sometimes.

I might not have even connected those dots but for the fact that my father was one of those people that lived his entire life going by his middle name.  It was a constant source of crazy in our house.  There was a fairly ongoing stream of letters and phone calls that came to his FIRST name instead of his REAL name.  It became apparent quickly that these were either junk or very important.  There was no middle ground.  I also decided that it was a real pain as I got older, and made a mental note to never do that to my child.  It turns out that I never had any kids to do that to, but I always thought I would, and it was in my plan not to stick them with a middle name for a primary name.  It just gets confusing.

As many of you know, my father was diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer several years ago.  When my mother and I cleaned out what was left of his apartment, while he was staying with my brother, we found some OLD photo albums.  So, one of the things that I wanted to do with him was go through those pictures and get them labeled.  I looked through them and didn't know who most of those people were.  Egads.  You realize in situations like this that when your dad passes that all of that information goes with him.

Cancer is such a destructive thing.  Not only is it life-taking, but it is also memory-cancelling.  I am not sure that people are aware of that.  That is actually an early warning sign of cancer.  If your loved one begins to exhibit memory loss, get them tested.  The best way I can describe it is that your brain is like a computer and cancer starts pulling out wires to various memories.  They just cease to exist.  It was an exercise in frustration for dad and me going through those photo albums, and I keenly wished I had known about them, and we had labeled them years earlier.  He would have known who the people were and not struggled so hard with it.  As it was, the people were familiar, but he just couldn't place them.  In other words, he knew he should know them, be he didn't.  Uggghh.

Getting back to the "name thing," there were other people he knew by nicknames or what turned out to be their middle names.  Apparently this middle name thing ran in the family.  I also found a directory that someone created, and my dad bought, for his father's side of the family.  Someone went to a lot of trouble to track down anyone that they could and put a phone number to them.  If they were deceased, they indicated that as well.  They weren't so great about indicating how people "belonged" to each other, but you can't have everything.  Anyway, I was trying very hard to look up everyone my dad could remember.  Well, he remembered people by their middle names and they were listed by their first names.  You can imagine how that worked out.  I finally found his father's obit, and it had his siblings and parents listed with their FIRST names.  Then dad and I got into an argument about what their names "really" were.  I said, "Daddy, I am reading their names off of the obituary.  What you are recalling is their middle names.  You know how you go by YOUR middle name?  Don't you think it's possible that they did, too?"  And then it clicked for him.  Argument over.  It finally made sense.

Parents: For the sake of future generations, stop calling your children by their middle name.  Your ancestry will be impossible to trace.  It just makes it confusing.  And fathers and daughters will spend their final days in frustration over pictures and obits.  So, for the sake of all that is good and loving, I ask you while they are young, call your children by their first names.  Their children will thank you later.

16 comments:

  1. Sorry you had to go through much hassle to figure out who was in the photos. I think most of the members in my family use their first name.

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    1. Between the middle names and the nicknames... Gah! It's something people just don't think about while they are busy in the day-to-day living.

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  2. Robin, That is tender remembrance. I guess we have known each other a while because I remember when you Father first got sick. That is exactly why I've been wanting to write a little personal family book because I know my kids will be wondering about relatives after I'm gone. It seems like kids pay more attention to family after the parents die. But I can't seem to fit it in. I always say, "I'll do it later." Ha

    A lot of people go by their middle name but I understand where it can be confusing, especially to little kids. Often too, they just continue to be called by the kiddie name. For instance, my Aunt Mildred was Aunt Moome to me all my life. But I knew it was Mildred because that was a favorite name of mine. That must be you with your family when little. You have a wonderfully good looking family.

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    1. That is a lovely idea for your family Manzi. Your children WILL DEFINITELY thank you later. You are the keeper of so many memories. Put those things onto paper. And names are confusing. So many people are only remembered by nicknames, middle names, etc. Compounding all of that are the names that children give to adults because they cannot say the names correctly when they are toddlers... and then those names stick. It makes it very difficult to tell who is who when you are looking at "Official" documents later. They aren't going to list your Aunt Mildred as Moome in any official record or on ancestry.com when someone starts digging through the records. So, it is only if the Memory Keeper puts those puzzles pieces together will anyone know that those two people are One and The Same.

      Thanks for illustrating that point for me so clearly.

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  3. Oh dear. Middle name guilty here. Liza comes from Elizabeth...my middle name. Not my choice...it's what I've been called since birth. Not only did I get messed up by not going my my first name, but people butcher Liza like you cannot believe. I'm with you. Name them what you want to call them.

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    1. It is never the fault of the person with the middle name, Liza... hahaha. Your parents did that TO you. You are further making the point for me that it is a true disservice to the person going through life with answering to a middle name instead of a first. Yes... as you say... NAME THEM WHAT YOU WANT TO CALL THEM. Thank you for weighing in as a person who is a "middle namer."

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  4. My step-mom does and my father-in-law did go by their middle names. But I never thought about it causing trouble. Maybe because I know their full names? The husband does have a lot of people in his family that went by nicknames. Like 'Nunk.' Good thing he was a close family member or we might never have known who he was. LOL So good that you got that time with your dad though. Even though it was difficult.

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    1. It isn't so problematic while the people are still living. It is trying to pull records together for people who are deceased. Everyone remembers them by one name, but no one can "find" them. And no one knows who this strange "other" person is. It sometimes takes forever and a day to connect the dots that they are One and The Same. If you ever do... And that is when you have multiple resources to work with (photos, a directory, and a live person who has "vague" memories). I can't imagine trying to work out a detailed ancestry like some people are doing reaching WAY back. I just think to myself: "They must not have been a MIDDLE name family... lol."

      Fortunately that project didn't take up TOO much of my time with dad in those final days. Otherwise, it would have been excruciating. I really thought he would enjoy going through the old photos, but he did NOT. So, I became good at recognizing certain people and labeling them, and only asked him about the ones I didn't know... Made that project go afap. And moved on to more fun things. When you have limited time, you want it to be GOOD.

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  5. I can identify. Many in my family, cousins, nieces, etc. did the same, and some only used nicknames, and I never knew their first names. Good post - (and you know I feel for you).

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  6. ...my son's best friend just recently decided to go by his first name instead of his middle name, in honor of his recently passed grandfather. It's fine, except that until now, we always thought the name he'd been using really was his first name. Confusing...

    El

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    1. That would be confusing! However, I do think that in the long run EVERYONE will be happier that he made the change:)

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  7. Oh boy, this comes at an interesting time for me. As you know, I am also a 'middle-namer' but did so later as my own choice. There are those who still call me by my first name and those who use both and then all the relative 'newbies' in the past decade or so that call me by my middle name only.
    .... to add to the mess my husband recently asked me if when we move to Texas, could I please go back to using my first name as this is the name that he likes the best and he thinks this would be a good chance to clarify things. Besides, it goes well with his Italian last name.
    I'm trying to be open to the idea and wonder if it's really that I don't mind the name as much as I mind the history of it- weird creepy connection to my mothers favorite doll, etc.
    I just don't know. I like the name I use now and yet I get the confusion thing. I think I will have to just see where the chips fall and see if it feels right when we move.
    And yes, a rose by any other name is just as sweet for me!

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    1. I do have this "annoying" knack of hitting you where you live. LOLOLOL.

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  8. Oh gosh, and then I've realized that I didn't even comment on the more important theme: your time with your Dad. I hate when I do that. Relate everything to myself that is.
    Thankfully my experience with cancer has been relatively small compared to yours. But it does touch us all, unfortunately. I do relate in some ways, seeing how it was for the woman I nanny-ed for, how she seemed to feel almost inhuman with all the awful treatments she went through that brought her so near to death. The chemo also left her with lost memories. They even call it 'chemo brain'. Cancer is just so damn cruel. I hate it.
    I'm glad you were able to glean some good times and memories of your own from this sad experience.

    BTW: the day is going to be next Tuesday. You heard it from me first.

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    1. We are ALL guilty of this very thing. We read something and we take away what hits us in the moment. I wasn't offended at all. And there actually wasn't one theme that was MORE important than another. I have written plenty about my time with dad and you have already been there and commented. So, don't beat yourself up on that. This really was about the Name Thing.

      Cancer, even prior to chemo, will take away memories. I think it is because of the stress it takes on the system. I don't really know about the whys and wherefores. I just know that my dad was exhibiting signs of memory loss way before he was diagnosed. I wish that I had known to associate it with Cancer, but I had No Idea. I just thought it was Old Age or Very Odd. I wasn't sure which door to lay it at, quite frankly.

      Look at you being all mysterious about Tuesday. I think I know what you are talking about... I guess I will know on Tuesday if I am right:)

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