This might not look like grief. It is.

There are certain truths that are becoming self evident to me. We know things theoretically, but we don't really know them until they happen to us. So, there is knowing and there is knowing. For instance, we all know that everyone dies eventually. All of my grandparents have passed. They all lived lived into their 80s. I wish that I could say that they all lived with their minds and bodies intact, but that would not be true. Funny how you often get one or the other, but not both. That was not a ha ha funny, btw. I even had a great grandparent live until I was in my 20s. By the time that each of them went, it was a blessing. They all had senile dementia and didn't know what was what. That is no way to live and I could tell it was frightening not knowing who anyone in their world was. They felt alone and frightened. Every now and then they got a good day and recognized family when they saw you. They might not be able to place exactly who you were in the scheme of things, but they knew you on some level. Those days were rare. When someone passes after years of that, we call it a blessing because it is a blessing for everyone. It has been painful all the way around.

On my dad's side, my aunt died of colon cancer that spread through her body and she was in a lot of pain. Her passing was a blessing simply because it was such a painful way to go. My father's mother had some senile dementia going on and her cancer, by the time they caught it was all through her body. However, they think it started in her colon. Yeah, I think I probably said this before.

For those of you who have been reading this here blog for a while might remember how shocked I was that my dad's memory has shorted out on him so much. This was a discovery that was made in April or so of last year when we went on a family vacation. We were telling stories and such, and my dad just didn't remember stuff. Huge chunks of his memory were just gone. It seemed to be completely random. Other stuff totally intact. If you want to picture his brain like a computer, just imagine a whole bunch of wires pulled out. Those wires represent memories. And they seemed to be pulled out at random. No rhyme. No reason. And no real way for anyone to know what he remembered and what he didn't. For instance, it never occurred to me that he forgot that his sister and mother died of colon cancer, and that he needed to be on top of that. Or that my brother wasn't aware of it and not paying better attention as the person who lives closest to my dad.

Anyway, let's get on with what is. The biopsy came back Stage 4. I think they cat scanned him to determine how far the cancer had spread. Though it could have been an MRI or PET scan. I am really not sure what scanning system they used. His gastric area is laden with cancer. It is all through his colon, into his intestines, and liver. There was a spot on his lung that might or might not be cancer. In any event, with Stage 4 cancer that has spread as much as his spread, they are giving him 4-9 months. It is amazing how great Medicare is when they know that they only have to take care of you for a limited time. They really monkey up everything and are happy to do so. Care with a smile.

Fortunately my brother and sister-in-law just redid their downstairs in anticipation of taking care of her parents. My brother went out Tuesday night to get my dad his hospital bed and table. Thank you Medicare. Hospice has a nurse who will come out twice a week to check on him and make sure he doing well. Help him with anything he needs and make sure he is getting the right amount of pain meds. In a terminal patient they do not worry about addiction. It all about making sure that the patient does not suffer. Hospice also will have an aide come out two days a week. I think that person is there primarily to help him with his hygienic needs. Showering. Shaving. Changing the sheets on his bed. That sort of thing. I will know more once it all gets into a groove. The doctor may come out periodically to check on him, too. The team meets once a month to discuss all of their patients in hospice care, so I imagine everyone tries to be "in the loop."

In about a week, my father will have the better, "permanent," colostomy bag that is easy to replace the bag and has snaps. Right now, it is the biggest thorn in his side. They have to use adhesive tape to keep it in place and it doesn't always hold real well. Blah blah blah. The other problem is that my dad feels gassy whenever he stands up. I think it might be because he has a tumor pressing on a nerve in his colon. They didn't remove any of the tumors and some were fairly sizable. So, every time he stands he feels the need to go to the bathroom, but he can't. It is an uncomfortable pressure. However, in terms of his pain, my brother says he is doing really well. Surprisingly well.

The other thing is that apparently this has been a problem for a long time. Every time he stood up, he felt this pressure, so he walked hunched over, etc. Anyway, he has pretty well lost all of his muscle tone and is down to 135 pounds. He is 6 feet tall. Yeah, everyone in our family is freaking wasting away! My brother is down to 150 and is just as tall as my dad. Of course, the difference is that he is working a manual labor job right now and he is solid muscle. I swear that he has the fastest metabolism in the world! *sigh*

Anyway, I talked to my brother about the best way to manage a visit and suggested that we stay in dad's apartment since he had a full house. He was going to let the apartment go at the end of this month, but was more than willing to pay one more month rent if we came up in March. His house is full to the brim! So, that is what we are doing. I moved all of my doctor's appts to this week. He went over and cleaned up over there this weekend. He is going to get a friend to help him move the "stinky" stuff out before we get there. And mom and I bringing up one inflatable bed to sleep on. She left another inflatable bed at my brother's for when she visits and he will bring that over. So we will each have our own bed and room. We will probably stay for two week or so.

And I am hoping that my brother and my dad talk again about the C-Staten vitamin therapy. One of the things that I hate the most about this whole thing is being so FAR from the situation. I feel like I have to input on anything. No control over anything. It is very frustrating. Perhaps most frustrating of all is that I would like to stay longer than two weeks, and I think that my brother and sister-in-law would be happier if I stayed a week. I could be wrong about that. However, it isn't up to them. Chances are reasonable that this is the last time I will see my dad alive, and I think that if I want to stay right up until March 31, they should encourage me to do so. If the roles were reversed, I would do that for them. But, hey, that's just me.

HERE'S TO YOU FRIDAY

Well, I found a way to get this blog out. My mom's computer is still working in the compose mode. I didn't even try to move to the edit mode. So, I was able to copy my links. I had a good idea, but I forgot it. Does that ever happen to you? I am hoping that I remember it again and post it for someone on next week's post. Yeah, I figure that it will be okay. "Whoever" will cut me some slack because I am just living in outer space and all. Anyway, Thursday is normally the day that I celebrate all of the amazingness that you contributed to blogland this week. However, due to technical difficulties, it is arriving a day late. I hope that it is just as exciting on Friday. So, drum roll please. I present to you HERE'S TO YOU FRIDAY. With love.

Here is what is going down: this is a weekly event. The best (or worst) part is that I am not going to explain why I chose "whatever" footage for each of you. If, you watch your footage and are scratching your head at the end, well that means I didn't do a very good job. However, all is not lost. You can email me at rarichards68@gmail.com and ask me what I was thinking when I chose that particular piece of footage off of youtube and connected it to you. And then I will tell you. Then I will start sending up prayers that I haven't offended the crap out of whoever is on the receiving end of that email....lol. Because, honestly, I will tell you right now... I admire all of you enormously so I really hope that doesn't happen.

Also, this is not an exclusive venture by any means. I hope that you will take the time to watch ALL of the footage because I don't pick bad footage:-) I also hope that you might check out the blog of the person I dedicated the footage to because they are pretty darn awesome. If you haven't figured this out yet... I pick the footage based on something that you've written or something that I've gleaned from your personality. Think on that for a while... If you are having trouble watching the entire video (meaning it is being cut off on one side), click on it a couple of times and it will take you straight over to youtube. If you click on the four squares at the bottom corner of the video, it will enlarge it to fill your screen. The escape key will bring it back to normal size. The back arrow will bring you back to my page.

Now, let's get this PARTY STARTED!!!!

This one is for everyone:




This one is for Shoes at Red Shoe's Chronicles:




This one is for Martha at A Real (Upstate) New York Housewife:

Click here to watch.


This one is for Carol the Gardener:




This one is for Nicole at Destination Unknown:




This one is for That One Girl at What Was I Saying Again?:




image found at www.weheartit.com

Here is a small scoop.

I have been working for hours trying to put up a Thursday post and it is just not happening. It has been one computer malfunction after another. I finally uploaded the newest version on Internet Explorer because it kept crashing on me when I would switch over from the Edit to Compose mode on here. That did resolve that problem. However, now I can't do anything in the Compose mode. So frustrating. For instance, I can't even get my mouse to highlight any portion of text for any reason. It is midnight and now it is Friday. Technically Friday. I am exhausted in every possible way that a person can be tired. I will get that post out tomorrow. Sometime this weekend I will update you on my dad. And OH YEAH there is lots to tell there. Hence, the overwhelming exhaustion. All of your comments have been so loving and from the heart. Really can't tell you how much kind words mean. Kindness is the one thing we can offer in the face of devastation and loss. Actually, so many times it is the only thing we can offer. You guys have it in abundance. Thank you for showering it on me. I have felt it and appreciated every word. Truly.

Well, I never could get the PUBLISH button to actually publish last night. And I finally gave up. Today, I decided to try and actually finish the "real" post on my step-dad's computer. His computer won't transition between the edit and compose without shutting down, either. Egads. However, I bet this post will publish. I am not giving up. I have a Thursday post and I will find a way to finish it and get it published. I am hoping it is today.

Have you ever noticed that it is feast or famine? When it rains, it pours? That sometimes your life really is a country song? I hear David Allan Coe callng my name....

Cancer is a Thief.

This is going to be short because I don't have the strength to make it long.

My aunt died from colon cancer. I am pretty sure that my paternal grandmother's cancer started in her colon and spread from there. So, when I found out that my father voluntarily admitted himself to the hospital for gastro-intestinal issues, my red flags were up. He was supposed to have a colonoscopy a few months ago that went awry because that stuff that you drink kept him on the toilet for days. He literally couldn't make his appointment because he had the runs for days. No, he didn't reschedule. Sigh.

So, I made sure to relay all of this to my brother who lives close by so that they could get a handle on this, because I wanted to make sure that they checked his colon out thoroughly while he was there. Turns out that thoroughly wasn't even necessary. In order, to get him "unclogged" they had to do a coloscopy (or something like that) and, in short order, found a very large mass. It was the source of the problem. They sent a portion of it in for biopsy, drained the rest, and hooked him to the bag. You know the bag? The one that saves you those trips to the bathroom.

While we were all hoping for a benign result, apparently the doctor took one look at that mass and knew it was NOT benign. My brother called last night confirming that it is cancer. They have yet to get a stage number on it, but they are talking hospice care vs. let's beat this cancer by doing this, this, and this. So, I am preparing myself for a 4 and anything else will be a blessing. They are also using words like "make him comfortable." Oh, and the bag isn't coming off. For my father, that is reason alone to depart this earth. I have no doubt that once you can't do your business on your own, the "game" is pretty much over. All that is left is wrapping up your business and saying your good-byes.

And, so here we are again, back to the lies we tell ourselves. In this case, it is the lie about time. We seem to think that there is a surplus of time. There will always be more time. Or that we know everyone dies, including our parents, we just don't want it to be today. Not today. Not tomorrow. Not next week. Next month. Next year. Truth be told, no one wants anyone else to die before them because the worst thing is the being left behind. Can't we just all go together? No, of course not. And we don't really want that either. Can't we just all die by going to sleep and never waking up? Lovely thought. No. The clock seems to have run out when I wasn't looking. Or is winding down.



My father was not a perfect man. However, when I was going the marriage from hell I found out that a lot of people just really didn't have enough love in their hearts for me or my situation. Two people who did ~ unwaveringly ~ were my parents. Unconditional love. That is what parents do. Love is a verb. I know that when my father dies his spirit will live on, but that support he gives me here in the present when I need it now. Not many people love you unconditionally, in my experience, and my heart is breaking for the loss of this one who has been a rock for me.

WANTED GLORY PRAYER A NICE DAY

It is Sunday. Yep. That revelation became clear mid-afternoon today. Time is really having its way with me. If time were code for Really.Hot.Man that would be fabulous. Instead, it is more like code for Really.Sucky.Migraines. Gahhhh. Both involve inordinate amounts of time in bed. The migraine just means I am there by myself listening to my head pound. The other alternative would be much more fun. I think that I really shouldn't spend so much time dwelling on the other alternative. So, let's move on.

For those of who read my last post... you know that my dad checked himself into the hospital. Turns out that he did have a mass in his colon. They removed a portion of it to be biopsied. We have not yet gotten the results. So, will let you know something when there is something to know. As my brother pointed out, he and I are different people. I tend to worry about things ahead of time. He waits for there to be something to actually worry about. Of course, that worked to my advantage in places like, say school. I actually got my papers and things done, thoroughly researched, and on time. He didn't always get them done. Period. So, therein lies the difference. The idea of just not doing a paper... Even now, I just can't fathom it. Yeah, he and I are totally different people. Hence, there is the worrier with the migraines and the non-worrier who is very healthy. Case A and Case B. Something to ponder later. After those test results come in.

In the meantime, we have some 80s songs picks and an Inspirational song pick. Wow. It feels like FOREVER since this blog has blasted back into the past to hash and rehash what was burning up MTV. One point that I have to keep picking up and putting down (for those of you who weren't there or who have forgotten) is just how important being pretty was in the 80s. That went for the girls and the boys. Mostly for the boys. Seriously. Pretty boys were the rage in the 80s. Long hair. Big hair was in (for everyone) and eyeliner looked good on everyone (apparently), because everyone was wearing it! The 80s was the decade that men rocked it out looking a bit la femme. They got to swing that long hair around and the teenage girls swooned.

Especially for Jon Bon Jovi. They really swooned for Jon Bon Jovi. And he was totally swoon-worthy. And his band wasn't too bad either. But, Jon was The Deal. Women all over The USA cried when he got married. Seriously, it was on the news. There were reports of teenage girls locking themselves in their rooms and having a day-long cry. Refusing to come out. Yeah, it was the hormones. And they probably grew up to be certifiable. But still. He was H*O*T and he still is. 20 years later and he still stops traffic. That is saying something. Mick Jagger stops traffic, too. But, it is because he is so scary looking. He has been rode hard and put up wet way too many times. Not knocking The Rolling Stones. That particular stone has just rolled way too many times. Just sayin'. And he was never a looker to start.

I found the video choices for Bon Jovi to be interesting. They are almost all concert videos. You know my feelings on that. I think that when you have MTV working for you, you should work it. However, Bon Jovi kinda sorta does in their own way. Their concert vids aren't straight concert vids. They are mish mashed with their tour footage to give you a feel for what they are "really" like as people. That is not a bad idea. And they also give you a feel for what their fans are like. That is an interesting look back. I am going to post two different tacks they take. The other one is a mish mash of them "making" a video/their effects for a concert. Again, it gives you a sense of them as people.





Both of those songs came out in 1986-87. Bon Jovi was asked to do the entire soundtrack for the movie Young Guns and he accepted the project. The biggest hit from that movie was the song Blaze of Glory. Finally, a Bon Jovi video that uses footage from the movie in the video. Most big movies did this because fans loved the song, loved the video, loved the movie. It became a big circle. Each "event" helped propel the other to success. The more the people loved the video, they were likely to buy the soundtrack and watch the movie. The more they liked the movie, the more likely they were to watch out for the video on MTV. If they liked it, the more likely they were to buy the soundtrack. It was just a big old moneymaking circle.



I really loved that movie back in the day. I haven't seen it since "the day." Now, it makes me itchy to watch it again. Emilio Estevez really did pull off Billy The Kid. And I think that I saw a young Kiefer Sutherland. Man, I love me some Kiefer Sutherland. I am missing 24 like a crazy person misses whatever drugs crazy people take. The red pill. The blue pill. The yellow pill. Something tells me the crazy person doesn't care. They just say, "Give me my pills!" Yeah, like that.

You might be wondering why I am ~ once again ~ going with my Inspirational song last instead of first. Well, I am so glad you are wondering. It is because I am sticking with Bon Jovi. Bon Jovi, more or less present day. This one came out a few years ago. Really love this song. It is my "don't mess with me song." And I can't believe how great he still looks. Actually, I can. Some people just age well. Like fine wine.



So, the next time someone ticks you off, just tell them to have a nice day. Bless their heart.

The Thursday Junk and Apology.

I am just going to spit this out so that I don't choke on it: I don't have a Thursday post for today. Whew. That was terrible. I have been doing some blog reading and commenting, but not enough to put together a Thursday post. *So sorry.* I have already explained that in cases like this we BLAME THE MIGRAINE. It turns out that since I have ongoing migraines, and they have been bad this week... it is completely legitimate. I have made myself write some blog posts. Kudos for me. But, mostly I have studied the inside of my eyelids and contemplated ripping off my head with my bare hands. Not doable, by the way. However, I am prepared to throw out more junk for your reading pleasure in lieu of a Thursday post. Yeah, the storm doesn't stop here even while my migraines rage. So, here's the junk (in bullets, just because it is more fun):

*Flash sent me a Friend Request on Facebook.
*You don't remember him? Or you are new? He's the ex-boyfriend who cheated on me and stole my pain medication. Yeah, he's a prize. (she says with disdain)
*He also sent me a quippy email about wanting to be friends and signed off with my ex-husband's name.
*Then he LOL'd and signed his own name.
*I think he thought he was being cute.
*OMG. This "man" is in his forties but has the maturity level of someone who is ten.
*I showed it to my stepdad and he says to me, "Are you going to accept it?"
*Is hell freezing over tomorrow?
*Does everyone think I am seriously stupid???? As in permanently, irrevocably stupid? As in cannot be fixed stupid? As in a glutton for punishment stupid?
*The more I thought about Flash signing the ex's name to the email, the more I remembered the one thing that they both said to me. And that was this gem: "No one will ever love you the way that I loved you."
*Both times, I thought to myself, "Thank God. I couldn't take it again. I barely lived through it this time."
*And I know that they both thought when they said it "as much as" instead of "the way that" because they considered their love to be wonderful. They both employed the same approach.
*Let me share: while you are doing something unloving to someone, you tell them that you love them. Over and over. In fact, you tell them how wonderful they are. It validates the awful thing you are doing as you are doing it. It somehow makes it a loving thing. The idea is for you to start thinking of hurtful things as loving things. It starts out small and just gets bigger. As in more vicious.
*They were both right. "No one else will ever love me the way that they loved me." Thank God.
*I got an email from the ex-husband after the bowling party. He was concerned that I was angry with him because he made a parting comment about a goody bag when we were leaving. He suggested I take one because they contained candy and I could stand to gain some weight.
*I didn't take said goody bag, and I forgot about his comment about three seconds after it left his mouth.
*Apparently, he stewed over it a day or two before sending the email.
*I wanted to say that after all of the things he said and did during our marriage and after our divorce, that comment on the goody bag just didn't even register on my meter, which is the total truth.
*Instead, I just said I wasn't mad. Also the total truth.
*My father checked himself into the hospital this morning. He has been having gastro-intestinal issues for quite a while. They are running tests.
*My poor brother is just loaded with sick relatives. His MIL is in a nursing home. His FIL has been living with him and his wife and that has been really hard on them. He is not in the best of health and is also in the hospital right now. Apparently, his catheter became infected and they determined that he also needs a pacemaker.
*My brother is working 12 hour days at his job and is feeling really overwhelmed.
*As for me: I am just worried about my dad. I have this bad feeling I might be spending some time up north.
*Our own version of Dumb and Dumber. Sick and Sicker.
*Blah.
*I will make a better effort to get out the usual Thursday post next week. I just read this over and this is sucky in comparison.
*Oh, and one last thing about the Grammy Awards show post. Miss Angie misunderstood one of my comments. They don't base who gets the awards on who shows up. The base what awards get presented on who shows up. In other words, if someone wins, but they are a no-show, that award doesn't get presented. That is why so much of the awards show is filler (aka performances) as opposed to people actually being presented with awards.
*Okay, I think I have barfed up every thought that I have on just about everything.
*Well, not really, I have other stuff rolling around up here, but it is unrelated to everything else that I have said. I probably should save it for a future post.
*Okay, can't save this. I loved your comment, Phoenix, about I LOVE THE WAY YOU LIE, PART 2. Me too. I find the whole thing very enlightening. Moving sideways... what was up with Marshall's pants at the Grammys? The man has a fine behind, but refuses to wear a pair of pants that do him justice. It is just one more thing that makes me want to cry. Seriously. Real tears.
*Marshall, I know most women are dying to rip your pants off. Honey, I just want to get you in a pair that fit.
*He and I are just about the same age, but now I sound like his mother.
*This has to be a good place to stop.
*Probably about twenty minutes ago would have been a good place to stop.
*Stopping.
*Not another word.


image found at www.weheartit.com

The Grammys and Marshall Mathers Should Have Won Best Album. Just Sayin'.

Okay, I know that you have all been on pins and needles awaiting my Grammy Award breakdown. No, I didn't have a breakdown of any sort after the show. I am referring to my critique of the event. You guys are so silly. Since you seemed to like the bullet points, perhaps we shall gave that another go.

*Once again, they only presented awards to the folks who showed. That is getting annoying. That means entire categories get left out. They also just didn't present some awards to folks who did show, but announced before they performed that they had won awards. Now, that is even suckier. What awards?
*In the case of my man Marshall, they announced his two award wins before he even won the second one. Idiots. Of course, since they run that thing so crazily, and he was up for ten awards, how was he to know?
*Another clue if you are going to win: are you performing? If so, chances are good that you are a winner. Ding ding ding.
*A lovely surprise of the evening was the first announced award. Train won Pop Duo or Group for Hey Soul Sister. I love Train. I am glad to see them getting back on track. Pun totally intended.
*Miranda Lambert winning The House That Built Me didn't shock me at all after she had just performed the song. Personally, very happy to see Miranda get some Grammy love. Now, she was not favored to win in this category, but I think of the Grammys in much the same way I do the ACM awards.
*How's that, say you?
*The most unlikely people win those awards. Let's say someone has a huge year. They give the award to someone that has just popped out of the woodwork and has maybe two songs under their belt. That is just how they roll. It leaves everyone rolling their eyes and saying, "WTF" at the watercooler the next day.
*Apparently the Grammy voters lunch with the ACM voters and discuss the "proper" way to do these things.
*Batshit crazy. That's how. Moving on.
*Now, I am not saying that they always get it wrong. I am just saying that they often pull things right out of their a$$. That's all.
*For instance, Lady Antebellum picking up all of the country awards is not surprising. They are freaking awesome and deserve them. I have posted several of their songs on here. Love them. However, I have not posted Need You Now. So, here it is.



*I loved David Letterman's list of ten things. I have to agree with him on one major point. What is the difference between Best Record and Best Song? Near as I can tell, it is nothing. They are both nominations for songs. And it appeared that most of the noms were the same. In this case, Lady Antebellum won them both for the same song.
*Isn't that redundant?
*Or is it just me and David on this one?
*Lady Gaga winning best Pop Vocal Album was totally expected.
*Lady Gaga arriving in an egg was a huge surprise.
*While I will never count myself a Justin Bieber fan, I can't count myself a Justin Bieber hater either. You gotta admire someone who is willing to fight for a career as a singer at 13. Usher told him something like, "If we meet again, we'll see." And he kept coming. At 13, that would have been enough to send me home.
*I would have been crying and saying, "He wouldn't even listen to me sing." That is the difference, you see, between someone who knows that they have the magic "it" and someone who just wants to be a rockstar.
*I still want to be a rockstar, but I know I don't have the magic "it."
*Every now and then I can sing a good tune.
*Back to the awards show...
*So, anyway, this kid can actually sing. And then Will and Jada Smith's kid comes out and raps with him. And OMG, that was the cutest. He is a cute kid. But what was the cutest was the look on Will and Jada's faces. They were not celebrities. They were parents who were all about their kid.
*Priceless moment at the Grammys.
*Back to me and what I am doing while the show is on. I found this site on yahoo. It has each category with the nominees, Expert Pick, and the percentages of people who voted for each person. In other words, it should be a good indicator of how the general public feels about who should win in each category.
*Now, you see what I mean about how the head scratching over the choosing of the winners. And why it reminds me of the ACMs.
*Now, that we have talked about everything non-Marshall Mathers, let's get down to it.
*I know from having read his book that he would really like to win an award that is not specifically a rap award. He did win the video award for Without Me, but that is it.
*I really thought with 10 noms that this would be his year. He would get Album of the Year, Record of Year, or Song of the Year. Nope. Lady Antebellum snatched Record and Song and Arcade Fire grabbed Album. Frankly, I think that he should have won best Record and Best Album. I am perfectly happy letting Lady Antebellum keep Best Song.
*As I said, they are the same thing. Different voters. Dumb. Moving on...
*That it is not what happened. And it hurt. A lot. It was painful for me. I can't imagine what it was like for Marshall. It had to sting.
*With that in mind, I went through the old winners and rap just doesn't win much outside of its own category. Outkast won a couple of years ago, but that is about it.
*I am going to throw up some more live footage. One is MM performing with Rihanna and Dr. Dre. It has some breaks in it, but it is the best going on youtube. The song is Love The Way You Lie Part 2 (modified) and I Need A Doctor (modified). I am also throwing up Marshall accepting his Grammy for Best Rap album. Then I am throwing up both original songs with lyrics. They make more sense that way. You might want to watch those first and then the live performance.











image found at www.weheartit.com

Feel The Love Bullet Style

Today is supposed to be Inspirational Music post Sunday. Or something like that. Honestly, with the Grammy Awards tonight, I am totally jazzed about music. However, I am exhausted and kinda migrainey. I really don't have a music post in me. So, I was thinking about a Bullet Point post instead. It might help me stay focused, since we all know I have a tendency to wander around. And you all get the junk. Good deal, right? Besides, I haven't done one of these in a while and they are fun.

*Turns out that while my ex was out of town a couple of weeks ago, the kids' bio mom sent H-Girl a text on Yahoo Instant Messenger. Apparently, H-Girl has had enough of bio-mom's not calling on birthdays, Christmas, and all that for the last ten years that one text wasn't going to be enough to mend the fence with her. And she let her have it.
*Bio-mom copied this instant message conversation and emailed it to my ex because she couldn't believe that H-Girl would actually say that she didn't want to talk to her.
*H-Girl confirmed that it was her and she didn't want to talk to her.
*Now, C-Man is bending over backwards to make up for H-Girl's lack and bio-mom is using it. Apparently, she is NOW calling C-Man all of the time hoping that this will somehow make a difference with H-Girl.
*It isn't working.
*However, H-Girl did have her belated birthday bowling party yesterday. That was interesting. When I arrived there were only two other people there. One was a cousin of H-Girl's that I knew and one was a woman and little girl that I did not.
*Turns out that the woman was someone my ex dated over the summer and is friends with his sister. Apparently, she is maintaining a relationship with the kids.
*She sure knew who I was.
*She went on and on about how she was going to pick up H-Girl after school one day so that they could have some girl time. She had called to see what she wanted and it was a comforter for her bed. Now they could get it together. Wasn't that wonderful? I wanted to puke.
*This doesn't make me a wretched person, does it?
*I tried to buy H-Girl said comforter for Christmas, but she kept spending her Christmas money on other stuff until it was all gone. Each time she bought something, I kept saying, "You won't be able to buy the comforter if you buy that." Each time she said, "But I want this MORE." And there you go.
*So, H-Girl arrives and sees the aforementioned ex-girlfriend sitting there with her toddler and walks over to her. The ex pulls H-Girl in close and tells her this plan of taking her shopping for the comforter. Her back is to me but I can see her nodding and can only assume she is happy with this gift. Again, I am feeling pukey. And somewhat guilt-ridden for feeling pukey, because this is a nice thing after all.
*Then, H-Girl turns around, sees me, and her face lights up like a Christmas tree. BEST GIFT EVER. She did not light up when seeing Miss Comforter Giver. Score One for Mom. Finally.
*H-Girl runs over and actually gives me HUGE hug.
*C-Man waves from the counter area and says, "Hi Mommy." Okay, this was less than stellar, but you can't win them all.
*I did mention to the ex that perhaps now that H-Girl was releasing all of her vindictiveness on to bio mom she might actually be nicer to all of the other women in her life who love her.
*Ex said he never thought of that.
*Hmmmmm.
*I had lovely conversations with the ex's aunt and his father. His dad is a really nice man. He actually is a supervisor at the water department (maintenance) and when I sold maintenance stuff I worked with some of the foreman who worked for him. So, I have known him for quite a while. Like I said, super guy.
*H-Girl won her bowling game.
*The ex won his.
*C-Man came in second place on his team.
*And I got H-Girl a book that is the second in a series. I got her the first one for Christmas.
*People, she was actually excited about it. I kid you not. I quote, "Is this the second one after the one got me for Christmas?"
*I didn't think it was possible, but I think I might have found the reader in that kid.
*I almost cried.
*Meanwhile, I brought a friend of mine with me to this thing and my ex was talking his ear off the WHOLE TIME during cake and presents.
*He was about ready to cry, too.
*By the time we were ready to leave, C-Man was full of hugs and "love yous." H-Girl was still loving mom. She was thrilled that I had watched her bowl her game. So, I was good for several hugs, lots of love yous, and she was even excited about a sleepover.
*Magic is alive.
*I asked my friend when we got in his truck what my ex had to say and he said, "I really couldn't tell you, but he is full of more bs than anyone I have ever met."
*That sounds about right.
*It was exhausting being married to the man, but that is another blog, which I probably won't write.
*It was then pizza and karaoke.
*It took over an hour for our food to arrive. That has never happened before. I was seriously hungry.
*I totally rocked Elton John's Empty Garden (Hey Hey Johnny).
*I was so tired when I got home that I didn't even have time for my usual insomnia. Can you believe that?
*I spent most of today lying around feeling exhausted, but not sleeping. And migrainey.
*Yah, today is much more typical of my regular life.
*Oh, and thinking about Marshall Mathers and the Grammys.
*He is up for 10 Awards. I hope you guys are cheering him on.
*I hope he wears something nice. No sweatpants or athletic pants at the Grammys.
*And a smile would be nice.
*Just sayin'.


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HERE'S TO YOU THURSDAY

Holy tomoly peeps! I think I am losing my mind. No, seriously. I think there is a screw loose upstairs. I have been working diligently on the Thursday material. I have a pretty good list. I put together that Grey's Anatomy and Private Practice were on tonight (both Thursday shows) and still did not translate that out to today being Thursday on this here blog. WHAT IS UP WITH THAT? HOW DO THOSE CIRCUITS NOT CONNECT???? So, I just finished watching Private Practice and went, "Oh crap. It's Thursday. What in the world am I thinking about? Where is my Thursday post? Egads!!!" And here we are.

Now for those of you wondering what I am blathering on about NOW.... Let me catch you up. Today is the day that I celebrate all of the amazingness that you contributed to blogland this week. It is that day again. What day is that you ask? How can you have forgotten? Drum roll please. It is HERE'S TO YOU THURSDAY, of course! The very best day of the blogging week. It is the precursor to the best day of the work week.

Here is what is going down: this is a weekly event. The best (or worst) part is that I am not going to explain why I chose "whatever" footage for each of you. If, you watch your footage and are scratching your head at the end, well that means I didn't do a very good job. However, all is not lost. You can email me at rarichards68@gmail.com and ask me what I was thinking when I chose that particular piece of footage off of youtube and connected it to you. And then I will tell you. Then I will start sending up prayers that I haven't offended the crap out of whoever is on the receiving end of that email....lol. Because, honestly, I will tell you right now... I admire all of you enormously so I really hope that doesn't happen.

Also, this is not an exclusive venture by any means. I hope that you will take the time to watch ALL of the footage because I don't pick bad footage:-) I also hope that you might check out the blog of the person I dedicated the footage to because they are pretty darn awesome. If you haven't figured this out yet... I pick the footage based on something that you've written or something that I've gleaned from your personality. Think on that for a while... If you are having trouble watching the entire video (meaning it is being cut off on one side), click on it a couple of times and it will take you straight over to youtube. If you click on the four squares at the bottom corner of the video, it will enlarge it to fill your screen. The escape key will bring it back to normal size. The back arrow will bring you back to my page.

Now, let's get this PARTY STARTED!!!!

This one is for everyone:




This one is for JJ The Disconnected Writer:




This one is for Nicole at Destination Unknown:




This one is for Purple Cow at Letters To Imaginary Friends (warning peekaboo nudity):




This one is for Mary the Food Floozie:




This one is for Phoenix at Res Ipsa Loquitur:




This one is for Cinderita at The Adventures of Cinderita:




This one is for Chris at A Deliberate Life:




This one is for Average Girl at It's an Average Life:





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For Those Who Have Heart.

First of all, I hope that no one passes out. Two blogs posts in two days. I know it is scary. Today started off rocky, but it got a bit better. I still am hovering on the line. In migraine terms, it means I feel very nauseated and things could jettison from okay to terrible at any time. Yeah, this isn't thrilling me. So, I am choosing to be okay. In that endeavor, I am embarking on a blog post. That is after having read several of YOUR blog posts. I am determined to not let this migraine take over my life again. Why? Because it is a biotch and once it gets in your head it just doesn't want to leave. Well, that would indicate that it isn't already there. I am determined to not let her crank up the volume any louder. Enough is enough. I think Barbra Streisand and Donna Summer did a song with that theme. In the 80s. Hmmmm. I might have to do some enterprising research on youtube and crank it out for Inspirational music day. There... a positive goal. And a good reason to troll youtube. Fantasmic. And we are off to the races.

I decided that it was way past time to deal with some awards. I have some others that have been on the shelf so long that I have forgotten the nitty gritty on them. Yikes. That is a good reason to handle these asap. This first one has been making the rounds. I have seen it on many of your blogs. It is the Life Is Good award. Yvonne at Writing My Life Away! honored me with it a while ago and I have been remiss in accepting it, answering the questions, and passing it along. I am going with the usual excuse: it was the migraine people. If ever there is a problem on this blog, blame the migraine.



Part one is to thank the person who gave you the award. Thank you, Yvonne. If you haven't yet checked out her blog, I encourage you to take a moment to do so. She runs the gamut from the serious to the comical. Her subject matter is pretty much her life (shocking, eh?) and covers work, dating, friends, and all the other craziness that life hands out. That is where the comical sometimes comes in. Also the sad. As I said, it is a little bit of everything, but it is always honest. And usually short. Totally unlike this long-winded blog. So, it will be a refreshing change for you! Thanks again, Yvonne, for the award! This one came with 10 questions that I have to answer. Let's get started. I will do my best to keep it short (not my long suit...).

1. If you blog anonymously, are you happy doing this? If you aren't anonymous, do you wish you started out anonymously, so that you could be anonymous now?

I am pseudo-anonymous. I know that doesn't really make sense, but some people that I actually know are aware of this blog and might or might not read it. I have purposely kept many people that I know unaware of this blog so that it could be a place where I could write freely.

2. Describe an incident that shows your inner stubborn side

When I was six or so, I strongly resisted making the bed by myself. I already knew on some level that mastery of that event would lead to a lifetime of making my own bed. I don't know how long I got away with "I can't do it" before my mother wised up and called me out. After that, the game was over. She was totally on to me. That tactic never worked again. Very smart woman, my mom.

3. What do you see when you really look at yourself in the mirror?

Dark circles under my eyes. I know that it is from the chronic pain, but that is the one thing that I really hate. Everything else I can live with well enough.

4. What is your favorite summer cold drink?

I pretty much drink water or G2 all of the time now. Every now and then I will drink a Coke. Mostly when we eat out because the water is terrible.

5. When you take time for yourself, what do you do?

Blog, read, watch TV. I keep telling myself that I am going to start yoga again. However, my willpower isn't very strong right now and my fibro pain is. Aaaccchhh.

6. Is there something that you still want to accomplish in your life?

Unless you are new to this blog, you have heard oodles about My Big Idea. It isn't going lots of places of right now, but that doesn't mean I am not thinking about it. I am always refining it in my head. I still need email addresses of everyone who reads this blog. You can give me yours by emailing me. That way I can email you my Big Idea letter the next time I send it out. I am keeping a list of email addys. I have a website to build, houses to build, lives to change. Did I mention that I am on a mission to save the world? Yep. Big Idea. And I could use your help. Email me. Seriously.

7. When you attended school, were you the class clown, the class overachiever, the shy person, or always ditching?

I was a fairly good student until the 9th grade. Then I became an excellent student. My Bs mingled with a few As became straight As. My mother was shocked at the first report card. I straightened her out. "Mom, from hereon out it goes on my permanent record." The way she tells it, she says I spoke to her in a voice like everyone should know this important information. I think I must have thought a lot of myself. LOL. From the 10th grade on, I didn't even take lunch. Yeah, I had to get a note from the parents each year to opt out, but I had too many other things going on. No time for lunch. I graduated with a 4.0 GPA from high school. And I had lots of extra curriculars. I think we can all say that I was an over achiever. Did anyone ditch in high school? Seriously???? Dang. There was too much going on! Stuff to learn to get into college. No time for ditching.


8. If you close your eyes and want to visualize a very poignant moment in your life, what would you see?

When I was little one of my favorite places to be was in my dad's lap with my icy cold feet under his legs. He never complained.

The vacations I took with my best friend Jennifer, and her family, to Kiawah Island in high school. The car ride alone was hilarious and, to this day, we crack up just talking about it. The car ride, that is.

When my first boyfriend told me he loved me. It was at night on the beach. It felt like something out of a movie. It really couldn't have been more perfect. First love is magic.

I could go on and on. Memories are cherished things.

9. Is it easy for you to share your true self in your blog, or are you more comfortable writing posts about other people and events?

I think that I tend to blather on and on about me. You guys probably know way more than you want to about the World of Robin. I pretty much don't hold anything back. Excruciatingly honest. I am not sure that everyone is comfortable with that. My followers keeps going up and down. I don't worry about it. That much honesty just isn't for everyone!

10. If you had the choice to sit down and read a book or talk on the phone, which would you do and why?

It all depends on the day. Seriously. Some days I don't feel up to either task. I don't really want to talk to people because I don't feel well. And it hurts my head to read. Other times I think that reading is important to pull me out of something if I can read. It is an excellent distraction. And any distraction is a good one. As for the phone thing, it can be wonderful. I love to laugh and whatnot. So, those phone calls are always good. That laughter is the best medicine.... I think that there is something to that. I know that I really didn't answer the question, but really how do you choose? I love both!



That was seriously very tiring. I wrote way too much. So, I am going to save the other award for tomorrow. Or the next time I blog. Now I am going to pass this one on to others deserving of the honor. Who am I kidding? If I follow your blog, you are deserving of the honor. I am going to try and remember if you have received it or not and do my best not to regift it to anyone who has already been there, done that.



JJ The Disconnected Writer


Liza at Middle Passages


Sharon at Musings of a Mercurial Woman


Kim at Saving My Life

Manzanita at Wanna Buy a Duck

Now, I can't think of a time that I haven't honored Purple Cow when I get honored. However, she retired her Australian in Athens blog and started a new one called Letters to Imaginary Friends. Well, as you can imagine it is just what it implies: letters. I gave her an award the last time I received one, and she appreciated it, but couldn't quite figure out how to work it into a letter. It was quite the dilemma. So, Purple Cow, if you can figure out how to manipulate this award into a letter, it is yours. I challenge you to do it. There. This is me throwing down the gauntlet. Let's see just how good you are... I am waiting to be impressed. And I'm not worried.

Well, that is all I have for today. Keep writing peeps so that I can come up with a decent Thursday. We can't have a sucky Thursday after a No Thursday. That would be dreadful. So write, write, write, and write some more. Now I am done.

image found at www.weheartit.com

Back In The Saddle. I Think.

Hello everyone. Just checking in to let you know that I am not dead and I think (and really hope) that the worst of this migraine is over... for now. What am I saying? I think that we are back to the regularly scheduled migraine. Yeah, that still means I am chugging pain pills daily, but the good news is that I am not thinking about how to separate my head from my body. Yeah, I spent considerable thought on the axe theory (again) and (again) determined that it just isn't possible to cut off one's head with an axe. Since I have already been down this road with my parents, I knew that they were unwilling to help me in this endeavor, so... it was just a matter of waiting it out. God bless me. And I mean that from the bottom of my heart. This is the time when I would add "bless her heart" if I were talking about someone else. LOL. That is just how we do it in the south.

Now, this might sound like a depressing blog, but it isn't. Truly. I feel so much better that you would not believe it. It makes my regular pain, which is pretty sucky, a much happier place to be. Who knew? See, there is good news everywhere. Sometimes you just have to look pretty hard to find it.

Speaking of good news, I was so touched by those of you who sent me HERE'S TO YOU videos on Thursday. Yellow Rose Jasmine. Carol the Gardener. Red Shoes. If I missed someone, it is because I needed a strong sign pointing me in the right direction. I was not doing any voluntary blog reading. Anyway, your videos really touched my heart. And some of you have stopped by several times leaving comments, others have sent email... it is all quite wonderful. I have the best blog friends. Truly. The videos, the comments, the emails all put a smile on my face. So thank you, thank you, thank you. And I am looking forward to getting back to my regular blog reading and writing.

I spent a lot of time lying in bed listening to music. I have a bunch of songs on a rotation. Anyway, no matter how yucky I felt this one made me feel just a tiny bit better, at least for four minutes or so. So, here is my HERE'S TO YOU right back at you. I know it isn't Thursday. Apparently, we are all rule-breakers! I love you guys. Happy Monday!

Don't ya know it won't embed. So click here to get your groove on.

Say What? That is Just Not Right.

I suppose everyone gets a first eventually. This week we all get to experience the first the no HERE'S TO YOU THURSDAY. I didn't say it was a good first; just a first. I haven't been writing blogs since last Thursday. For the most part, I haven't been reading them, either. Occasionally, I will try and give it a go. That usually lasts about 15 minutes or so. You might have noticed my lack of comment. It goes along with my lack of reading. I really try very hard to give a (thoughtful) comment on each and every blog I read. I know that I appreciate them, so that I kinda figure that you do, too.

Anyway, back to the topic at hand. Me and my migraines. Man alive. I always have a migraine. You might have known that. Might have not. But it is all a matter of DEGREE. And the degree this week has been MIND BLOWING. I can't say that anything super stressful has happened. It has just been bad. Yep. It gets like that sometimes. Me and me fantasizing about the axe. Just kidding. Sort of.

Anyway, rather than stress about not having read your blogs and a Thursday that I cannot control, I am letting this go. I figure that you can all live without one HERE'S TO YOU THURSDAY. Next week is bound to be better. Besides, it will all give you something to look forward to and you can think hard about what to write about this week:-)

For the record, I have missed you all and your stories. I am looking forward to getting back to my regularly scheduled migraine. Until then, keep on doing what you're doing. I will jump back into this blogging thing as soon as I can.

Peace Out.