My aunt died from colon cancer. I am pretty sure that my paternal grandmother's cancer started in her colon and spread from there. So, when I found out that my father voluntarily admitted himself to the hospital for gastro-intestinal issues, my red flags were up. He was supposed to have a colonoscopy a few months ago that went awry because that stuff that you drink kept him on the toilet for days. He literally couldn't make his appointment because he had the runs for days. No, he didn't reschedule. Sigh.
So, I made sure to relay all of this to my brother who lives close by so that they could get a handle on this, because I wanted to make sure that they checked his colon out thoroughly while he was there. Turns out that thoroughly wasn't even necessary. In order, to get him "unclogged" they had to do a coloscopy (or something like that) and, in short order, found a very large mass. It was the source of the problem. They sent a portion of it in for biopsy, drained the rest, and hooked him to the bag. You know the bag? The one that saves you those trips to the bathroom.
While we were all hoping for a benign result, apparently the doctor took one look at that mass and knew it was NOT benign. My brother called last night confirming that it is cancer. They have yet to get a stage number on it, but they are talking hospice care vs. let's beat this cancer by doing this, this, and this. So, I am preparing myself for a 4 and anything else will be a blessing. They are also using words like "make him comfortable." Oh, and the bag isn't coming off. For my father, that is reason alone to depart this earth. I have no doubt that once you can't do your business on your own, the "game" is pretty much over. All that is left is wrapping up your business and saying your good-byes.
And, so here we are again, back to the lies we tell ourselves. In this case, it is the lie about time. We seem to think that there is a surplus of time. There will always be more time. Or that we know everyone dies, including our parents, we just don't want it to be today. Not today. Not tomorrow. Not next week. Next month. Next year. Truth be told, no one wants anyone else to die before them because the worst thing is the being left behind. Can't we just all go together? No, of course not. And we don't really want that either. Can't we just all die by going to sleep and never waking up? Lovely thought. No. The clock seems to have run out when I wasn't looking. Or is winding down.
My father was not a perfect man. However, when I was going the marriage from hell I found out that a lot of people just really didn't have enough love in their hearts for me or my situation. Two people who did ~ unwaveringly ~ were my parents. Unconditional love. That is what parents do. Love is a verb. I know that when my father dies his spirit will live on, but that support he gives me here in the present when I need it now. Not many people love you unconditionally, in my experience, and my heart is breaking for the loss of this one who has been a rock for me.
