Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Cancer is a Thief.

This is going to be short because I don't have the strength to make it long.

My aunt died from colon cancer. I am pretty sure that my paternal grandmother's cancer started in her colon and spread from there. So, when I found out that my father voluntarily admitted himself to the hospital for gastro-intestinal issues, my red flags were up. He was supposed to have a colonoscopy a few months ago that went awry because that stuff that you drink kept him on the toilet for days. He literally couldn't make his appointment because he had the runs for days. No, he didn't reschedule. Sigh.

So, I made sure to relay all of this to my brother who lives close by so that they could get a handle on this, because I wanted to make sure that they checked his colon out thoroughly while he was there. Turns out that thoroughly wasn't even necessary. In order, to get him "unclogged" they had to do a coloscopy (or something like that) and, in short order, found a very large mass. It was the source of the problem. They sent a portion of it in for biopsy, drained the rest, and hooked him to the bag. You know the bag? The one that saves you those trips to the bathroom.

While we were all hoping for a benign result, apparently the doctor took one look at that mass and knew it was NOT benign. My brother called last night confirming that it is cancer. They have yet to get a stage number on it, but they are talking hospice care vs. let's beat this cancer by doing this, this, and this. So, I am preparing myself for a 4 and anything else will be a blessing. They are also using words like "make him comfortable." Oh, and the bag isn't coming off. For my father, that is reason alone to depart this earth. I have no doubt that once you can't do your business on your own, the "game" is pretty much over. All that is left is wrapping up your business and saying your good-byes.

And, so here we are again, back to the lies we tell ourselves. In this case, it is the lie about time. We seem to think that there is a surplus of time. There will always be more time. Or that we know everyone dies, including our parents, we just don't want it to be today. Not today. Not tomorrow. Not next week. Next month. Next year. Truth be told, no one wants anyone else to die before them because the worst thing is the being left behind. Can't we just all go together? No, of course not. And we don't really want that either. Can't we just all die by going to sleep and never waking up? Lovely thought. No. The clock seems to have run out when I wasn't looking. Or is winding down.



My father was not a perfect man. However, when I was going the marriage from hell I found out that a lot of people just really didn't have enough love in their hearts for me or my situation. Two people who did ~ unwaveringly ~ were my parents. Unconditional love. That is what parents do. Love is a verb. I know that when my father dies his spirit will live on, but that support he gives me here in the present when I need it now. Not many people love you unconditionally, in my experience, and my heart is breaking for the loss of this one who has been a rock for me.

27 comments:

  1. Oh hon, I feel your pain. I really truly do for my father is in the same boat but actually worse. What is not fair is the ticking away at time and today could be the day. I too have blogged about this.

    My wish for you is peace and understanding (although, I do not think we really understand). If you need a should to cry on or a listening ear, I am here.

    Peace...Naila Moon

    PS>Enjoy the time you do have with him. Let him know how you feel. Also, I am sorry for the loss of your aunt.

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  2. Robyn, I am so sorry to read this! I know that my words will bring you little comfort and they might even sound trite. But just know that you have my support in whatever you need. I know we only know each other virtually, but even still, if there is anything I can do, please let me know. I hate cancer! I will keep you and your daddy and the rest of your family in my prayers and I'm sending you lots of love and positive energy! xoxoxo

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  3. So sorry for your loss darling. *hugs*

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  4. Oh Robin, I am so sorry. Cancer is a lot of things, none of them good. My love and my thoughts are with you now.

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  5. Big hugs hon, I am so sorry...this must be just devastating...Holding you in my thoughts and prayers along with your father and your entire family.

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  6. Sending all good wishes, the very best thoughts, hopes, prayers ....

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  7. Oh Robin, I am thinking of you and wishing you strength.

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  8. Really sorry to hear this, everyone who reads this will empathise. I hope you get better news than you are expecting.

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  9. Oh God, Robin. How can this be? Please know that my wish for you is that you will be comforted and loved through this time. And that you will have the strength you need to get through all of this.

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  10. Oh Robin..... I have no words my friend, but to say how very sorry I am to read this. When I say you are in my thoughts, you really are lovely one.

    xxoo

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  11. Oh, Robin... I so hate to read this news... I will remain optimistic for you and your Dad... *huggles*

    ~shoes~

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  12. Sending you big, big, big hugs. <3

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  13. Oh honey, I'm sooooo sorry. Ugh. Cancer is sooo sucky. My dad had colon cancer. I think it took three years for it finally to be under control and was in his forties then. My grandma passed away from cancer right before I had my first kid. Cancer is sooo soooo jerky. Wishing your family the best and your dad a healthy colon!

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  14. Robin,I am so sorry to hear this. I can only imagine how you must be feeling. I know nothing that I can say to you or write to you will make you feel any better. Just know that I will be saying a prayer for you and your Dad. It is tough times baby girl...very tough.

    Carol-the gardener

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  15. Geesus Rob! I hardly know what to say. I'm just so very sorry that it wasn't the news you had hoped for. I know it's probably small consolation right now, but I'll be praying for miracles.

    You know where I am, so don't hesitate one second to call. Day or night. I don't want to disturb you, in case you're getting some of that elusive luxury called sleep.

    God bless you, your dad and your family and bring you strength and peace of mind,
    M.

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  16. Yeah, it got my mother. So you have to be alert.

    Oh, and Happy Presidents Pets Day - the day after Presidents Day, as I like to call it. In the US, we love our presidents..... pets. See my blog if you’re in the mood for a good ol' irreverent howl.

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  17. Robin:
    I feel your heartache. I lost my mom last year to cancer and not a day goes by that I don't think of her or want to pick up the phone to call her. In my darkest hours, she was always there with love and comfort! My prayers go out to you and your family!

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  18. Oh hun, I am so deeply sorry for you and your family. I feel your pain, as I lost my dad to cancer back in '91. Hugs to you...

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  19. I'm so sorry to hear about your father. I care about you and wish I could take away all of the pain. Sending you warm hugs.

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  20. Robin: I am deeply sorry. I know there is nothing I can say or do for your dad, but if I can do something to ease your pain, please ask.

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  21. hey hon, hope you are doing alright today...thinking of you and thought I would drop you a quick line. Please let your dad know that we ourslers in colorado are thinking of him and praying for him..
    Tim, Chris, Kate And Sophie rose

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  22. Just came by to check on you...

    ~shoes~

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  23. Hi there, usually when I read your comments on JJ's site they make me smile. Today I read your comment and felt sad. I am crying with you and I am so very sorry. I lost my father when I was 16 (he was 52, it was a surprise heart attack that got him).
    There are still happy times to be had between the two of you. Many, many happy times. I guess what I didn't know as a teenager was to enjoy my loved ones while I had them. It sounds like you already are, and please understand that I am in no way minimizing your sadness. I'm just trying to share a bit of my past and connect with someone else who feels deeply and loves. God bless. Miriam@Meatless Meals For Meat Eaters

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  24. Sweetie, I'm so sorry, reading this just broke my heart. Losing a parent is probably one of the very worst experiences ever, I've been there. Im hoping, for all of you, that it's not as bad as you think, and that you'll have some of that precious time to spend together for a long longer than you think. My thoughts are with you darlin, much love.

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  25. I'm actually in tears at this post. I'm so sorry for you and feel your pain quite acutely. My own father passed away in similar circumstances and at the time I felt I was so alone in my hurt and pain. Be assured you are not.I had no time with my own father at the end - I wish I could have told him how much I appreciated his love. I hope you have the chance to share some time with your father.
    My deepest and sincerest wishes to you and your Dad.

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  26. We had a scare with my dad this week and I realized I will never be ready to tell him good bye. Thinking of you! Sending hugs- and prayers.

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  27. Sweetie - I am so sorry to hear this, and I apologize that I'm so late in commenting. It's been a busy/challenging/interesting couple weeks for me and I've had no chance at all to stop by anyone's blogs until today.

    I love you so much, and, as my Quaker friend would say, I'm holding you in the light. That means (I think) that whenever I think about you, I'm sending you as much love as I possibly can and hoping you can feel it.

    Email me if you need anything, Robin, even if it's just to talk or rant. Hugs and love.

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