Wednesday, March 11, 2015

Directionally Challenged (Smarty-Pants Terminology for Lost)

Funny thing happened on the way to this blog....



As I began working on it, a HERE'S TO YOU post began to take shape. I kid you not. So, I stopped doing THIS and started doing THAT. Which means saving videos to Favorites. Thinking about your posts. I think my psychic link is somewhat broken. Or flickering. Used to be that I'd read one of your posts and *voila* I'd just know the footage to go with it. Now, it happens sometimes, and I've been prone to linking you to the footage since a HERE'S TO YOU hasn't actually happened in a very long time. So, be on the lookout for a HERE'S TO YOU... maybe Friday.

Anyway, I wanted to tell you about a few things going on here. Last night I was so tired. Just drained really. I went to bed before 7pm. Right after dinner. This from the girl who often can't sleep at night. Anyway, I woke up rather a lot, but didn't get up until 9:00am or so. Can we say TIRED? Anyway, in the middle of the night I had this dream about my dad.

Me and My Dad

Honestly, I always love when my dad makes an appearance in my dreams. He was driving a van or minivan. I was in the backseat. He says something like, "Uh oh. I think I made a wrong turn. I just got off the interstate and now I'm not sure I can get back on." To which, I climb into the passenger seat, reach under the dash, and say, "No worries. I've got a GPS. We'll just plug it in."

And then I woke up.

For the record: NOT ME

Now, that is funny because I used to have literal panic attacks when I'd get lost. (Not anymore, but it was seriously an ISSUE for me.) I was thinking about this dream (again) in the shower (aka The Think Tank) trying to decipher the ins and outs of it. When my dad comes to talk, it MEANS something. Finally, I decided that he was representing my mom in this dream. It feels like she's driving "our" car and has taken a very bad wrong turn. Rather, many wrong turns. In the dream I wasn't worried because I had the GPS, the fix, the way out. In real life, I stay knotted up all the time because she won't accept my GPS, my fix, or my way out.

So what is Dad trying to tell me? Get out of the car? Force the GPS on her? Or just remain peaceful and centered inside because I will not get lost no matter how many wrong turns she makes? It feels terrible, but it will be okay.

So, what was I doing on YouTube?

Well, I'm still trying to take you on the Train tour. This was a band that was also in need of some GPS. I think I can safely say they felt directionally challenged after the failure of For Me, It's You (2005). So much so that the band went on "hiatus" and Pat Monahan recorded a solo album, Last of Seven, in 2007. So, now several years have passed; it's now 2009. That's a long time and many people thought Train was dead after For Me, It's You. Then they release Save Me, San Francisco.

Pat said this about this amazing come-back of an album:

"(It was), 'Let's just make this record from our hearts and not worry about the rest. Let's just do this because we love it.' When we started go from that angle, it made us make better music and write better songs, feel better about things. Before anyone heard the record we felt like we were successful. And for maybe the first time in our careers, we stopped trying to write hit songs and were coming from a place of love."

I've made the statement that I hold fast to regarding the song by same name as the album (in this case, Save Me, San Francisco) as embodying the "feel" of the album. As someone who feels like I could use some direction or a "save," this song is keeping time with my life.



Train wouldn't know it at the time this album was recorded, but it was a LONG time before they recorded the next. California 37 was still quite a few years off. So, they lived on this album (and this album tour) for years. So, I'm going to stretch this album out a bit. But, always keep in the back of your mind that every song on this album is a search for their sound. Their selves. Their independence and their interdependence. So many of the things we all spend much of our own lives seeking. Heck, I'm still looking.

Where do I end and my mother begin? At what point do her problems become my problems and vice versa? We can't navigate this life without affecting the people around us. Sometimes we're being saved and sometimes we're saving and sometimes we're just working on our swimming skills. But, let's face it, we're never standing still. And, as FAE, said so eloquently in the comments of my last post: "Whenever I'm blue thinking how someone, especially someone important, disappointed me; I think of all the possible disappointment I've caused others, by simply being myself." Did that feel like a sucker punch? Don't look at me. I'm just quoting another brilliant mind!

Have you been high, been low? Have you been yes or oh hell no? What about rock 'n roll and disco? Have you been up, been down? Been lost when someone's not around? What about reggae or calypso? Have you been stop, been go? Have you been yes or oh hell no? Rock 'n roll and disco?

I've definitely been Oh Hell No!

38 comments:

  1. Oh, I am all of those things at once these days. Up, down, high, low. Has something to do with querying I believe. :P

    And I have those car dreams too. I've heard they're subconsciously about control over your life. If you're the passenger, it supposed to mean you've let someone else make the decisions lately. *shrugs*

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    1. Actually, I think that's right. If you're the passenger in your car (life), you simply don't feel in control. Although, I think my dad was trying to tell me I still have options. I can get out and leave her the GPS. Know what I mean?

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  2. "Where do I end and my mother begin? " I would say at the point where you say, "This is me, and no further." Thankfully, I don't have dreams with meanings, I can usually trace them down to a warped version of something that happened that day. Of course, I don't have the situation you are working through.

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    1. Holy tomole. I honestly didn't recognize this as a BOUNDARY ISSUE (hello my recurring theme and issue!) until you made this comment. Wowza. Talk about a Lightbulb Moment. In order to fix this all I needed to do was re-address the boundary. I thought I ad it licked, but nope. So I did that this morning and feel much better.

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    2. You recognized it subconsciously, I just saw what it said and you didn't.

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    3. Very generous of you CW. I think I'm so deeply in the forest I can no longer see the trees. But, I like what you said!

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  3. Robin-

    To answer the above questions...

    Sometimes high, sometimes low, sometimes yes, sometimes hell no, always rock, never disco (okay, KC was kind of cool, though), mostly up, sometimes down, lived alone for so long that no one's ever around, wouldn't know reggae from calypso, lately probably more stop than go.

    All that aside, I wish I had words of wisdom for setting boundaries with parents.

    Because the truth is, when it's someone you love, they're problems are your problems no matter how much you wish they weren't.

    Hang in there...

    Larry

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    1. Her problems affect me as much as I allow them to affect me (at least, in this case). I suspect that some of the bad decisions she's already made will affect me in the future (for example, when the time comes regarding her "care" and all of the money she set aside for that is gone). It will be tough. But that is still in the future. I'm having enough difficulty with the Now.

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  4. Now I'm going to be singing that song all night! LOL!

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  5. With us being in the middle of a move, I'm a bit of roller coaster right now, especially as move-out projects are done and we are a day closer to leaving paradise.

    And then I remember this is going to be another wonderful life's adventure, so I better jump right in - cos the Train is leaving with or without me ;)

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  6. PS: Forgot to mention, I'm so happy that someone else considers the shower as their think tank :)

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    1. The Train always moves. Get on. Get off. It's up to you.

      In earlier blogs, I talked about The Think Tank frequently. I get my best ideas there!

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  7. I spent a lot of years in Al-Anon and their simple slogans helped me tremendously when dealing with my parent issues. The 3 C's might help you with your mom, Robin. I didn't cause it. I can't control it. And I can't cure it. It's referring to the disease of alcoholism but it applies to anyone else we love. It's their stuff. Detaching from their stuff is really hard, though. And in answer to your question, hell, yeah.

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    1. I can see that, Karen. It's all about letting go of someone else and their issues (whatever they might be). Or boundaries. Setting good boundaries. Yes, detaching from their stuff is hard, but healthy. I really need to make healthy choices for me.

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  8. I've had changes of direction happen on a whim with blog posts too. Like right now I'm supposed to be putting up a post (I've written only the disclaimer) and I started hopping around to visit folks instead. ;)

    I used to have dreams about my grandma and I liked them. I finally had one big one that seemed like we really visiting, it was just so realistic, and that's the last one I had. :)

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    1. Sounds like you need a bit of space from that post. It will still be waiting for you:)

      I wish I dreamt more about my grandma. She doesn't show up very often in my dreams. Maybe I should ask before going to sleep. You could try that, too...

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  9. What a poignant dream. And yet, for all of that, I still don't quite know what it means. Really, it could mean any of those things you suggested. What I lean toward is the thought that no one's lost forever. Sure, we get lost down weird back roads or drive past the same place twice but ultimately (and especially with the help of GPS) we get home. Even if we're really, really late we do still make it. Maybe that's the point.

    Also, that's a great mentality not just for making a record, but for anything. Write what you love and let it come from the heart. Don't worry about the rest.

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    1. Yeah, maybe that's the point. I think it can be interpreted several different ways (and all for the healthy). I like this song because sometimes it's good to say "Oh hell no" and get out of that car. Know what I mean?

      I just love Pat's vision for this band. I used to read his blog fairly regularly, but I've stopped even doing that. I used to have time. Where's all my time gone???

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  10. I definitely have my ups and downs. But it's nice to know you'll get out of it eventually!

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  11. I like your dream because you mentioned how you used to get freaked out when you were lost but you are much better now. In the dream you were the one who found the GPS. I love dreams and agree with the one lady about if you are not driving then someone else is in control

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    1. I feel like my life is simply full of recurring themes... sigh

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  12. Ups and downs? Of course. Who doesn't?

    I'm always grateful if my parents visit my dreams. It's the only place I can see them now. Sadly, it doesn't happen often enough.

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    1. I know what you mean. My dad doesn't show up as often as I'd like either!

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  13. I was getting ready to send you and email and thought I wanted to come back and reread yesterdays post and my comment before I did. I about fell out of my chair when I read this post.

    So, instead of sending that email, I'll just say it here. I'm an intensely private person (go figure, a blogger who is intensely private???), so if you decide to delete this comment and keep it to yourself, I'll understand. As for me I have no problem saying it publicly and the Youtube links I'm gonna leave may, just help someone else, also (assuming they help you).

    But, first; I was in San Francisco this past fall and it didn't save me at all. But I've been high and I've been low and felt like I had nowhere else to go. You have to reach and you have to search, you're never truly alone, but the task is only your own. If you tie yourself to another in your life goals, be prepared to end up on a rough seas shoals.

    OK, now that proves ain't no brilliant mind here, just one dumb blonde who sometimes stumbles on a little inspiration. Oh an you can tell Pat Monahan He can have those lyrics for a small fee, the crazy comes along for free.

    Now the links. These are two Youtube links sent to me by a friend. They are Ted Talks by Dr. Jordan B. Peterson. I admit I had never heard of him before, BUT the things he says here really gave me something to think about. They also made me think about your post yesterday and I thought 'hey this helped to straighten out some of my thinking this morning, maybe it would be of use to you ALSO'. I don't believe in coincidence, I think most things happen, and happen at a certain time, for a reason.

    Don't let the chaos in another persons life, disrupt the peace and order of yours.

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    1. I'm not deleting ANY of this. And try to keep it together for a few more days (maybe BoTB) in which I share the most recent events (huge stuffs!) in this ongoing drama.

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  14. In case there was any doubt that you're dealing with a 'dumb blonde' here; I forgot to add the links.

    Here they are - I hope.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WOgSqHtTtHY
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tLteWutitFM

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-jKIayyu08w

    Unfortunately, I'm not competent enough to post them as actual links, so you'll have to recopy and paste them, but I think it's worth the effort.

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    1. Too migrainey to watch this right now, but tomorrow!

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  15. Join the club. I'm directionally challenged, too, but it isn't always a bad thing. Just think of all the scenic routes and detours we've gotten to see over the years. :)

    Oh, thanks to you, I actually bought a Train CD. How about that? It's "My Private Nation." Pretty darned good! (Thanks again.)

    I always enjoy dreaming about my parents, in-laws, and grandparents. My grandmothers both died in 1959, and I STILL dream about them. I think your dad was letting you know you CAN find your own way through life.

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    1. Susan, I feel like I've "been in the woods" for too darn long. Yikes.

      I love love love My Private Nation. Next in line (for me) is California 37. I haven't gotten to it yet on this Trainaventure.

      Yeah, I think he was trying to say that, too. I've got the GPS after all.

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  16. Robin: I love Train. My dad appears in my dreams all the time. As for "Where do I end and my mother begin?" there are never only two choices. Don't box yourself in or beat yourself up. It is all a matter of perspective. Now, here is a perfect option: "just remain peaceful and centered inside because [you] will not get lost no matter how many wrong turns she makes." Of course it is terrible and difficult. That's why God decided not to make you a Wuss. Call me if you want an ear.

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    1. There are never only two choices. How right you are. In this case, I can do my best to help her "see the light" and then back off and detach, so that I don't go crazy. It's taken me a while to understand that backing off and detaching isn't a sign of Not Caring, but caring with respect to self. That is a long-winded way of saying that I think I'm becoming better at recognizing when my boundary has shifted to an unhealthy place, or I don't have one, or I need to set one. It's had to believe that I lived for a very long time with very few boundaries and constantly felt beat up (and didn't know why). Now I know why. Boy, that knowing is the first step toward fixing.

      TY, JJ, you're a good friend.

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  17. That is such a sweet photo of you and your Dad. I miss mine.
    This Train song is really catchy. I'm beginning to understand why you like this album.
    Best of luck with your Mom, (smile).

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    1. That is one of the last photos I have of my dad before he got sick. I think it might be the actual last.

      Yes, I love Train (and not just this album!). This is a love that extends to the entire breadth of their works. That is why we're going on a Train Journey. Not to be confused with the band Journey.

      I think maybe this situation has turned a corner. I'll keep you posted...

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  18. I also dream about my dad from time to time. I think that we all dream about our loved ones, though many people don't remember their dreams. Don't worry about turning into your mom, though I know she's a wonderful singer, and has other worthwhile attributes. Hopefully, she'll come around soon.

    Julie

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  19. Usually my dreams about my father are very good ones. I'm often lost in my dreams--or uncertain. I'm also late and unprepared. Story of my life.

    Arlee Bird
    A to Z Challenge Co-host
    Tossing It Out

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  20. I can't interpret the dream for you. Go with your gut feeling. You can offer your mom the GPS, but if she's driving the car, she can refuse to follow it. She can even change the destination to somewhere you don't want to go. You have offered her guidance. It's up to her to accept it. If you must ... get out of the car.

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