This hilarious post is brought to you courtesy of Brandon and Bryan. These guys write the blog A Beer For The Shower. Never read this blog while drinking anything or it might come out your nose. Just sayin'. I think many of you have known about this blog for a long time, but I am new to the party and am thoroughly enjoying myself. I only wish that they wrote more frequently. On Monday I feel great with my Brandon and Bryan fix, but by Friday I am really dragging. If you aren't getting any fix at all, because you have yet to discover this blog, you are in for a treat. Strap on your seat belt. It's about to get funny in here.
Cue the traveling music:
Nanny 911: Who Needs Babysitters When You've Got The Police? by Brandon and Bryan
This weekend Brandon found out that, on a busy city block with almost ten dogs living on it, his two have been barking too much, because they bark about four times a day when someone walks down the back alley. Well, apparently it was bothering one of his neighbors (the only one on the block without dogs, and the only one without a job who doesn't leave the house all day). But, Brandon didn't hear this news from the "all-growed-up" adult neighbor herself. No, he heard it from the city of Denver, in the form of a citation, followed with a warning that if the problem wasn't addressed, the police would be involved.
Which brings us to today's topic, an important reminder for you all: that the police are here to help you handle the petty disputes that you should be able to talk out yourself, not to help you with assault, robbery, and murder.
After calling his wife, praying the rosary, and summing up his courage, Officer Bryan speeds to Brandon's residence...
Thankfully, none of them are packing heat, except for the dog, which is packing a small red rocket.
Meanwhile, across town...
That's right, because back on Main Street, the police are very busy dealing with some extremely unresolved emotional issues.
Meanwhile, across town, while Officer Bryan pulls out two "good boy" and "good girl" stars...
Back on Main Street...
And Officer Bryan resolves their dispute without any violence or bloodshed. Unfortunately, the chumps across town didn't take matters into their own hands like reasonable adults and this is the aftermath...
So remember, folks. The police are not there to "hold your hand" through a robbery, or an assault, or a murder. They are there to handle your petty neighborly disputes and be your own personal Dr. Phil. And if you're worried about being murdered, then I don't know, buy a gun or a really big katana or something, you big damn baby.
Now if you'll excuse us, it's 3 o'clock in the afternoon and Bryan's neighbor has raised their music to a slightly loud volume, so we have to summon half of the Denver police task force to deal with this.
Cheers and stay classy, folks,
Brandon and Bryan
You can thank me later for pointing you toward this blog. Or right now. In the comments.