Thursday, April 3, 2014

C is for CHRISTINE

My theme for A to Z this year is a wildly different, but very exciting, HERE'S TO YOU all month long. 26 posts to be precise. The most difficult part was narrowing down the 26. All of you deserve your own post. What you will find here is a post by the featured blogger, with traveling music chosen by me that complements said post, and two links. One will link back to the original post and the other to the main page. This year's A to Z is all about making new friends! 


Christine pens the inspiring blog A Deliberate Life. Honestly, I cannot say enough good things about this blog. This blog started out as a weight loss blog and turned into a life blog. Overeating is just a symptom of a life that is not working. Digging out the chicken coop that is your life experience, belief system, your Spirit is hard work. It requires self examination. It requires looking at the crap. It changes your life from something to get through to a wonderful journey to be embraced. As her header says, "I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived..." ~ Thoreau. These are the woods, my friends...




And the traveling music:


fat is the symptom - love is the cure by Christine
3/14/14


I would say the majority of morbidly obese people are that way because they are dealing with serious shit.
And instead of drinking, or doing drugs...they eat.

Why would I eat instead of deal with my life?

It was easier.

there...I said it.
It is EASIER.
not in the long run of course..

But in the short run....you bet your ass.

For me, food did indeed taste better than thin felt.
I am one of those unfortunate (or fortunate) women who does not give a shit if a man thinks my ass is wide.
Don't like it, lump it.

Well, that just left ME to care.
and I didn't.
Not for the longest time.
I cared about getting through each day.
Because I was miserable without knowing I was miserable.
YOu may think that is an impossibility..
But all my life,  my mentality was "Life is tough....no one wants to hear you bitch...so suck it up."
So I did.
I learned to effectively mask all my feelings by eating them.
It started around the age of twelve and continued til about five years ago.
Until I stopped eating them....
I thought I was a very even keeled person.
Water off a duck's back and all that.
lolololol..
When I stopped eating..
I started noticing things.
Things like how my husband talked to me.
(keep in mind my husband is a sober alcoholic...and how he talked to me is undoubtedly how he talks to himself in his own mind.)
How I spoke to myself in my own mind.
How others looked at and treated me because of my size.

The day I looked up and really saw myself at build a bear...
it was like waking up from a coma.
That awakening was not magic..
It was a long process.
A process which began at a karate class.
I know...it's labyrinthine...this story of mine.
But I am an examiner by nature..
I need the whys and hows....it is how I am made.
but back to awakening.
I had thought, up to that point...til the age of 35...that I was merely philosophical about my childhood...
And when I stopped eating..
and stopped masking..
I felt this weird pressure in my chest that kept growing and growing.
and growing.
And It was rage
sorry..
IT WAS RAGE RAGE RAGE RAGE RAGE RAGE RAGE RAGE RAGE.

up till that point..
I had lived with a low level depression that I masked with apathy and eating.
and Not Thinking About It.

Once I confronted the state my body was in...270 pounds on a 5'3 frame...and the state my mind was in....and I would lay awake at night reliving parts of my childhood while trying to sleep...
...the rage would grow...
And I threw myself into weight loss.
I used the rage to my advantage...
And it really propelled me down the scale.

Then, at around 156 pounds (a weight I maintained through high school, something to think about later I suppose)
I hit a new emotion.
FEAR.
I was also molested by my stepfather's father.
he touched me inappropriately.
And I never told anyone until I was 19.
He called me his 'petite princess" and  would try and tickle me and put me on his lap..
and then one night...he laid down next to me and touched me.
and I rolled over and he left.
And I never went near him again.
But it colored the way I saw my body.
I felt dirty.
Every man I had met until I was 15 had been abusive, or perverted.
I hated men.
except my brother.
which was my saving grace..
In the time since...I have met men who aren't abusive.
Who are very good men...
My mom's fourth husband is a good man.
preachers and so fourth..
and my husband...while struggling with his own issues..is at his core, a good man..
so back to the fear.
The readers who have been here a while remember my fainting goat post.
A man tried to flirt with me at the mall..
and I was so afraid, I had to sit down before I fell out.
I was afraid to be 'petite'....or vulnerable.
There are a lot of reasons why I chose food.
It's easy,
IT's available.
IT doesn't judge.
It is legal.
and it worked.
But it kept me from feeling...and that is no way to go through life.
IT kept me from confronting the people who needed to be confronted, facing the issues in my mind that needed to be faced...It kept me dead inside.
Waking up from that was like the feeling your hand gets when you lie on it all night, and you have cut off your blood supply.
It is painful.
It can feel easier to revert.
or bury it in shit..
or spray some garden fresh spray.
or whatever euphemism makes it easier to live a lie than face a hard truth.

who wants to live a lie?
not me.

These last six months...the last of my fantasy land wishes were stripped away..
And everything I had hoped would be true about me if faced with bad circumstances..
I found to be true.
There is Nothing like a real trial by fire to show you who you are..
And If I hadn't been doing what I had been for the last 5 years..
I never would have been ready for the last six months.
And who knows...maybe six months ago never would have happened, If I hadn't become who I have become?
so it goes....
in any case:
I have become so solid in the knowledge of who I am..and what I am capable of...that I was able to find my feet in short order.
even as I have remained overweight...
I lay in bed one night a few months back, and accepted every pound on my body...not as some symbol of failure..
but as an acknowledgement that I am here...and the space I occupy and my body
is mine..
mine to cherish or abuse.
Mine.
I own it...all of it.
And I love it and am grateful for it..
old, overweight, stretched out....one weak knee..
I am here.
I love my body...it has carried me through.
Now I want to show myself what I am capable of..
I want to feel energetic and full of possibility.
And that means keeping my body in good shape.
For me.
God willing, I have a full life to live..people to meet and enjoy..
a world to see.
So why would I allow my body to be hindered.
when there is so much to do?
I have eaten under 1800 this whole week...
and exercised every day..
next week I will up my exercise and take another 100 calories off the plate...
not because I am disgusted with myself..
But because I have a goal to reach and things to do.
Anger will propel you.
Love will free you.
Chris out.

I know that was long and I looked for what to excerpt and couldn't find anything that wasn't essential. So, thank you for accepting that some truths take a certain amount of space to tell. If you aren't reading Christine's blog, you are missing out on something special. Robin out.

38 comments:

  1. Wow, she had a lot to work through to find herself and like herself again. Good for you, Chris!

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  2. That was one of the saddest, and yet most inspiring, things I've ever read.

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  3. This is very sad and it adds another side to some truths I have discovered. I used to call over weight people lazy because they couldn't control their food habits. Then, Ms Self-rightous, I was absorbed in stress for a couple years and had only minutes to grab whatever food was available. My ancient liver and thyroid rebelled into misfunction and the result was weight gain. I couldn't lose the weight no matter what path I took and only gained more. With deep humility I began to see heavy people differenty. I knew how they felt as I lived in sweats and shunned the world. I knew what I must do and that was get all my organs in sync. I did that with help and the weight melted away.
    My heart goes out to brave and determined Christine and I wish her well.

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  4. Very powerful post. It really takes a lot of self discovery to move past issues like this.

    Brandon Ax: Writer's Storm

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  5. Hi, Robin,

    Thanks for sharing. So many things affect us in life and so many of us wear a mask to hide our pain. I imagine her blog must be a source of encouragement for many.

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  6. What a truly inspiration and heart-felt post. If I were still teaching, I would refer some students to this blog.

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  7. Robin, I like your A to Z theme. This is a stirring post. Writing helps us in so many ways, doesn't it?

    Thanks so much for stopping by my blog and following. It's great to meet you. Have a good weekend!

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  8. I will def be checking out this blog and you are not alone in the weight game- trust me. Yesterday I had a smoothie for breakfast, a piece of pizza at lunch (only because I was at my moms and she ordered a Dominos pizza. When I declined, she was hurt because she said she ordered it for me) I had a salad and tomato sandwich at dinner. In between I drink water like crazy. I stepped on the scales last night and had gained 5 pounds that I didn't have yesterday morning. This morning I am back to what I weighed yesterday morning. I am starting to think those government fed pesticides are calories!

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  9. Alex ~ There is always more to discover. I know that there were times in Christine's life that she thought, "Okay, well I know it now. I have arrived. I've done the hard work." And then it turns out that there is still more hard work to be done. What makes her blog so special is her honesty in sharing it. Living deliberately doesn't just happen.

    Briane P ~ Her blog is one of the most inspiring I have ever read.

    Manzi ~ Chris is an amazing person. I know that she will be just fine. She has already walked through the fire and that will enable to handle the next set of challenges that come her way.

    Brandon ~ You got that right. Most people refuse to look at themselves this closely. And if they did... they would never have to the courage to throw it out here.

    J.L. ~ She inspires me with every post.

    Susan ~ You never know who needs to read this...

    Karen ~ I think that writing helps a lot. We sort through the mental clutter and get right down to it.

    GG ~ You will be happy you stopped by... this is one of my all-time favorite blogs.

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  10. What a powerful excerpt. She does sound amazing!

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  11. That was an incredible story. What a lot of nasty stuff she's had to deal with!

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  12. Hers is one of my very favorite blogs.

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  13. Wow -- very powerful story for your C day, Robin! My absolute best to both you and Christine!

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  14. A very interesting post, Christine, and thanks for introducing us to her, Robin! Yes, I learned early on to speak up.

    It took a while before I was confident enough to leave a bad marriage, though, as my confidence and self-esteem had been trampled upon by an uncaring husband. I would say I became stronger when I realized why I was miserable and did something about it. So I appreciate your message, Christine.

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  15. To own our own lives is one of the hardest things we will ever have to do in growing up. But until then, we give our lives over to others and to our insecurities. Great post.

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  16. rosey ~ She is!

    Sherry ~ Yes. It's all about overcoming and owning.

    downsizers ~ Me too:)

    Chris ~ Glad it touched you, Chris.

    D.G. ~ You speak several powerful truths. Understanding we are miserable. I think we don't like to see that we squash it down. In doing so, it is so easy to lose our voice and our confidence. Looking at that painful stuff, making hard choices, standing up for yourself...

    Roland ~ Ah sir... I have heard of you in this blogosphere. So happy you decided to stop in and follow. You are so right... own your life. Not easy, but necessary.

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  17. Wonderful post! Thanks for sharing this with us. I have suffered with overindulgence in many different forms as an escape from dealing with the negatives in life. I think that is a common human fraility and we should be more forgiving of ourselves.

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  18. I think it's true that many people eat rather than deal with their problems or because it makes them tolerable. I'm an over-eater. I eat when I have too much to do that I don't like and food's a reward - you know, the old go-to-the-dentist-and-we'll-get-ice-cream-afterward type thing...

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  19. Great post Christine! Congratulations!

    I'm an emotional eater - it's a constant battle!

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  20. Well, anyone who starts out their blog with a fantastic quote from Thoreau's 'WALDEN' automatically gets my attention.

    Sound thinking and lots of determination! Very good stuffs.

    ~ D-FensDogg
    'Loyal American Underground'

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  21. Thanks for showcasing Christine's blog. Wow, that excerpt was gut-wrenching to read.

    Back in the day (ha), there used to be so many "life blogs" out there. In fact, most of them were simply online journals about people's lives. I guess maybe since it's cathartic for many to bear their souls online, they eventually don't feel a need to do it after they feel better. Or maybe it's that I've shifted my blog to my journey as a writer and I fell out of touch with amazing and profound personal blogs like Christine's.

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  22. "food did indeed taste better than thin felt." What a statement. I can relate. So many can. Thanks, Robin. I'll check out this lovely lady's blog.

    xoRobyn

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  23. I have that superchick album!
    And I'll check out the blog.

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  24. That was unbelievably powerful and inspiring. Whew. That post felt so real I could touch it.

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  25. Siv ~ We give ourselves many escapes to not face ourselves, our lives, our choices. Chris eats. I suffer with migraines. It's all the same thing.

    Lexa ~ This problem is something that is EXTREMELY easy to relate to... as I said above... Chris eats. I suffer migraines.

    Yolanda ~ It is a battle. It ends when you look within and travel the long yards.

    Stephen ~ Yeah, I am a Thoreau nut, too.

    Kathe ~ YW

    Jay ~ I am glad you felt gut-punched. That is exactly how I felt when I read it. So many of her blogs hit me just like that. Whenever I need a smack in the face, that is my first stop.

    Robyn ~ Well, I can relate to "IT WAS RAGE RAGE RAGE RAGE RAGE RAGE RAGE RAGE RAGE." Ironically, I just figured out that my migraines were all pent up rage when I read this blog. I was like, "Holy cow. Wow."

    Andrew ~ Love that song! I hope you do:)

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  26. Wow, this looks like a great blog! Thanks or sharing.

    Sarah Allen
    (From Sarah, With Joy)

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  27. First of all, love the dog in the tree. He's such a cutie!

    I must check out Christine's blog. Ever since my dad died, I have put in about twenty pounds. Not so much from grief, but just by being so very busy that I have very little plan for anything. It's a slippery slope and once you start eating crap and not moving, it just gets easier and easier to keep doing it. Must check out Christine's blog. What a strong lady!

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  28. Weight is so overrated in our society. We have so many health issues surrounding it, mainly because of the negative messages we give ourselves, largely influenced by culture and sometimes negative people. Balance is key, eating healthy and not feeling guilty for having a treat once in a while. Bad habits can be tamed, but you need to be determined and have perseverance to tame them. Christine's blog sounds like it helps a lot of people. That's important in my book, so I'll be sure to check it out. Thanks, Robin.

    MJ, A to Z Challenge Co-Host
    Writing Tips
    Effectively Human
    Lots of Crochet Stitches

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  29. Sarah ~ :)

    Elizabeth ~ Yes, I know what you mean.

    M.J. ~ You are welcome. I hope you find inspiration there!

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  30. As someone who is on a weight loss journey, this was very inspiring and uplifting. Thank you so much for sharing!!!!

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  31. Christine's post was very inspirational. There are so many reasons why people overeat, and her brave story definitely gave us some food for thought. I'm so sorry for all that Christine has gone through, and I'll be heading over to her blog shortly. Thanks Robin!

    Julie

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  32. Christine's blog was the very first I ever read. I found it on my sisters birthday (Robin, I know you will understand how cathartic that is) several years ago. She does help people. Absolutely. Her written word is a true gift.

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  33. Megan ~ This was a case of right place, right time. I am so happy for you!

    Julie ~ Food for thought is her blog to a Tee.

    Jasmine ~ I do appreciate how special that must have been for you. God works in mysterious ways. If you seek, you shall find. I love that.

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