Tuesday, August 31, 2010


Hello, my peeps, happy Tuesday. Did you notice that peeps has crept back into my vocabulary? I hope it is still in with the in crowd and I am not just throwing around a bit of slang that has already come and gone. The thing is that I have come to like it. That means that the likelihood is that it no longer is a "happening" word with the popular in crowd. Whatever. I am keeping it until it bores me.

Mitzi, over at Southern Style, tagged me at the end of last week with eight questions. It was actually on the same day that Yenta Mary hit me with her eight questions. I just read Mary's post first. There was no way I was doing all sixteen questions at once, so I spread it out. I also found this 30 day blog challenge on Miss Angie's blog that I am going to post tomorrow. The cool thing about that is that it gives you blogging material for 30 days. Naturally, I will take breaks for all of my regularly scheduled events. However, I invite anyone who feels so inclined to participate in this action. And, since I am not participating in it to the letter, I think you can twist it to suit you. That is pretty much how I roll on my blog. Who would have thought that the only place I would really break out and become a rebel was on my blog? And, even then it would really just be minor infractions. Yeah, pretty much everyone thought that. If you polled my high school, even the people who barely knew me would have pegged me for the "play by the rules" type. What are you gonna do?

Okay, well here are the questions that Mitzi passed on to me. Turns out that they were really hard. And I hope I don't tick anyone off with my answers. Just remember opinions are like a$$holes. Everyone's got them. That should make you feel somewhat better.

The rules are the same on this. I have to think of another eight questions. Ugh. And another eight people to answer them. I hope you have fun with the questions... whomever I choose.

1. If you were allowed to only read one book for the rest of your life – what would you choose?

The idea of having only one book for the rest of my life is sheer torture. Normally I prefer fiction, but I think any fictional story read over and over would eventually lose its flavor. Therefore, I suppose I would choose ASK AND IT IS GIVEN by Esther and Jerry Hicks. It might keep me sane.

2. Imagine you are on death row, and it’s time to pick your last meal – what would it be?

I am thinking that whatever I ate really wouldn't sit that well. I get an anxious stomach when I am nervous, and can barely eat anything. Plus, when I am stressed I get a migraine and am nauseated. I can't think of much of anything being more stressful than knowing I am about to eat my last meal. So... I suppose I would want my nausea medication, and the food wouldn't really matter, because I probably wouldn't be able to keep it down. However, I know that you are looking for my favorite meal. All of those I am highly allergic to, and I wouldn't want to go out that way, so I would probably go for Arby's chicken salad sandwich. It's healthy and very good for you. After spending a lot time in prison, I would be missing that. Oh, and a coke. I would want that to help settle my stomach and I like a coke. No pepsi. Bring me a coke. (I know that was sad, but it is what it is.)

3. If you had to do it again (or do it for the first time) – what type of wedding would you have?

I would do it either VERY small or I would elope. It is crazy spending so much money on a wedding when you should be spending it on your LIFE. Or your honeymoon. I am really in favor of the eloping or the justice of the peace thing. I've done the dress, cake, reception thing. That whole childhood wedding fantasy has been done. Now, all I would really like is the great guy and a shared life experience.

4. If you could live anywhere in the world – where would you choose and what type of dwelling would you live in?

This is a tough question. Harder than it sounds actually. Unless you are a well travelled person, you are just guessing at this one. At what you think a place is like. You never know what a place is actually like until you have spent some time there. For instance, I loved my Europe trip. I really did. Would I love to live there? I don't know. I wasn't there long enough. My body liked the time zone. That was odd. For the first time ever, my body felt like it was in the right time zone. However, living in the US, we are accustomed to so many "luxuries" that we don't even know are luxuries. Transitioning to actually living in Europe would be tough, I think. And then there is the language thing. I don't like cold weather at all, so I would have to take that into consideration. I guess the idea of picking up sick (like I am now) and moving somewhere by myself is just totally inconceivable. I'd have no way to support myself, so it is crazy. I suppose when it comes down to brass tacks, I like living in the US. I see myself living in the US. And I like living in the south. If things keep going the way that they are, when I get better, and financially independent, I can see moving my family to Texas. One story ranch style house. My mom doesn't do stairs well.

5. What are your thoughts on organized religion?

This is like opening a can of worms. I think it works for some people. Actually, it works for a lot of people based on the number of people who attend churches all over. I wrote a blog about the beginnings of my disenchantment with the church beginning while I was still in high school. I have since gone back to church occasionally. My feeling about it is this when I do go: I take what works for me from the sermon and I leave the rest. That works for me because The Bible is always open to interpretation, and what I am listening to is one person's interpretation of what they are reading. And what they are reading is someone else's interpretation of another language converted into English. It is documented fact that they didn't get every last word right. Sometimes the words were unclear. It was a Hebrew word that had several meanings and it was unclear how to translate it into English. So, they picked one and that choice may have completely altered the message from what it was intended to be in the first place. So... I feel okay with taking what works for me and leaving behind what doesn't. What do I think about organized religion? I think that it gives many people a platform to step up on and use to hold themselves above and separate from everyone else. Organized religion is responsible for more war and death than just about anything else. Just ask the Catholics and Protestants in Ireland. Or have a conversation with Israelis and Palestinians about the Holy Land. Or do a bit of Bible reading to see how long people have been killing each other in God's name. Or talk to any of the people who have a thought in their head about 9/11. Those terrorist groups kill in the name of Allah. That is their name for God. One God. The same God. It is their organized religion. We call them terrorists. They call it organized religion. And they are going to celebrate it by building a mosque not too far from the site of their organized victory. Along with a community center. Just like they have done with every other victory. Each time they have an organized victory, they celebrate it by building a mosque or some other memorial to show that they have been there. They don't want people to forget. It is their signature. I guess I have a lot of thoughts on organized religion.

*Adding a thought here b/c I know this mosque business has everyone facing off. It is being presented as a peace offering and I don't buy that based on my points made above. Setting those aside, I can't buy that given our current political climate. If you wanted to make a peace offering, that would be the last way to do it. It would only take about two minutes of thinking that one through to know that Americans would divide and argue and tear each other up on this issue. In other words, the last thing it would bring is peace. So, I have a really hard time buying that this is a peace offering. Anything that you can see will divide a nation (before you do it) is not going to bring peace. Nuff said on that. I also want to note that I have no problems with Muslims who are not terrorists. Nuff said on that, too.

6. Describe your most embarrassing moment!

I have covered these already. If I remember I will come back and link to some of the really horrible stuff. This is ho hum in comparison. My sophomore year of high school, Jennifer and I had English together. Our teacher was on the boring side. She was also older and her bottom lip stuck out. Yeah, I nitpicked and I made fun of her quite a bit after class when we were leaving. I would impersonate her... that kind of thing. I really was such a biotch. Anyway, this day was no different, except unbeknownst to me, she was walking directly behind us the whole way. She got a good three minutes of listening to me mock her before I realized she was right behind me. I felt so SMALL. I think that was the last time I did it, too. To her or anyone. Nothing makes you realize how mean that is until you get caught doing it. She never said a word about it and I didn't get penalized in class by her picking on me in any way, which shows she had way more class than I did. So, not only was it embarrassing, but there was a lesson learned in there, too!

7. What are you most proud of?

That I care about people and they can feel that. It was what made me a good salesperson and a good friend. Even before I got sick, I think that my compassion level was higher than most people's because I worked on developing the skill of listening. I was really good at talking; all sales people are really good at talking. I spent a lot of time working on really listening and not just hearing what people had to say. So, I sort of became this salesperson/bartender to my customers. Anyway, if you will remember in that song TOP OF THE WORLD that I posted not too long ago, there is a lyric that goes, "Everyone's singing we just want to be heard." And that is so true. Everyone just wants to be heard and most people don't feel like they are heard. They talk, but people don't get it, because they aren't on the same wavelength, or they aren't listening, because they are thinking about what they are going to say. If you want to care more, listen more.

8. Finally… who would be your arch nemesis and why??

I think that the only person who can really hurt us is ourselves. And then it is certain aspects of our personalities that do us in. If I find myself disliking someone else, more than likely the thing I don't like about them is the thing I don't like about me. Of course, that may not always be the case, but oftentimes it is. The smart thing to do is simply stay away from people who suck your energy. That is another good reason for not wanting to be around someone. They are just negative and suck all of your positive energy. However, I wouldn't consider those people to an "arch nemesis" by any means. For me, the worst thing about me is me psyching myself out of my ability to do something or have something that I want. I can cheerlead like you wouldn't believe for other people because I can see all of their amazingness. And I don't understand why they can't see it. I just have a hard time seeing my amazingness. It's not that I don't see my good qualities. I do. For example, I can see my project that I talked about yesterday very clearly. And I know that when I get better I am capable of doing that. It is the between the now and the getting better that I stumble along. So, it is me. My arch nemesis is me. The only person who can keep my dreams from coming true is me.

Okay, here are my questions...

1. What career would you choose for your own if you had all of the gifts (i.e. creativity, genius, dexterity, etc.) that went along with said profession?

2. If you could travel back in time to observe what life was like in a specific time period in a specific place, when and where would you go?

3) What is your biggest vice?

4) Do you find yourself getting in trouble from speaking your mind too often or not enough?

5) Do you like your name? As an aside, do you know what it means? If so, just curious...

6) What do you like most about yourself?

7) What is your favorite record? That would be a record as a whole and it cannot be a greatest hits album. It's not your favorite song, but the collection as a whole on a record.

8) What song, book, movie, tv show, short story, etc. comes closest to hitting you where you live? You heard it, read it, watched it and thought it could be describing my life. It is like it was written for me. If you don't know what I mean, maybe this will help. Don't forget to turn off my music player at the bottom of the page.

Okay, now let's move on to the eight lucky people who get to answer these eight questions, make up eight of their own, and pass them on to eight of their friends. It's eight to the eight to the eight.

Nicole at Destination Unknown

Leiah at A Southern Belle Trying Not to Rust

Yenta Mary the Food Floozie


Liza at Middle Passages

Java at Never Growing Old

Kel at Between the Lines

Kimber at Under Re-construction

Monday, August 30, 2010


For those of you who read my 15 minute ramble writing exercise yesterday know that a lot of my ups and downs here lately have been not of my own making. I didn't quite get around to saying that the doctors are trying to regulate my meds to get me back to my previous state of normal, whatever that was. Ha ha. I appreciate all of the encouraging comments on yesterday's blog. So, thank you. Hugs and kisses to all who showed the love.

While I have been on this up and down crazy ride, I remembered something that I forgot. It actually was part of the prompter for one of my eight questions. BTW, I have another eight questions to answer and then another eight to think up and pass along. So, if you didn't get tagged that first time, and are feeling all sad and left out, chances are possible that you will get it this time. I am feeling myself diverting off my track. Anyway, when I was living in Florida, I went through a period of looking inward, and really wondering why I had gone through all of the crap that had blown my way. I am a big believer in everything happening for a reason and I just couldn't figure out what possible reason could be out there for all of this pain and suffering. Keep in mind, I was still in the midst of the pain and suffering. I was considerably better, but by no one's yardstick 100%. I was still dealing with migraines daily; the only difference was that the severity of the migraine was less than it is now.

Anyway, all of this was weighing heavy on my mind. One morning when I was not really asleep, but not really awake. This is what happened. I wrote it down when I woke up because I didn't want to forget it.

Sometime between sleeping and being fully awake this morning, I had this awareness hit me. I am not going to say that God was talking directly to me. It was more just this knowing and I could hear the words but it was more like they were coming from inside me to me (if that makes sense). And it went something like this... all of this that you have been through has been to prepare you for what it is to come. It is something much bigger than you have been expecting and are even prepared for right now. It is bigger than you. It will ultimately involve many people, some whom you already know and some that you don't. These people will ultimately be your closest friends and greatest allies as you seek to make this world a better place. Your combined focus and purpose will help so many. You will need doctors and teachers and people will various other skills and talents to do this great work. It is in this project that your life choices will have new meaning and all of the seemingly bad stuff will make sense. You couldn't do this work as well if not for those experiences that you resent in your past. It is in this work that you will be plugged in to your true self. You will be vibrating at a frequency that will bring joy into your life and you will feel more connected to God and the world than you have ever been. It is time to let go of all the things that are stressing you out and keeping you in a place of resistance. These things are not allowing you to get well. You will need this time of euphoria in order to be ready for your work when it comes to you.

That was on December 3, 2008. I thought about that for a long time. The more I thought about it, the more I had this vague knowing of what I was supposed to be doing. Of course, I didn't have some of the skill sets I needed to do that needed to be done. And some I did. And then my parents started talking about moving back to Georgia. I got a call out of the blue from a sales company that had been a competitor from the company I used to work for interested in hiring me, and I thought that was a sign. It was a sign that I was supposed to go back into sales. So, I let go of this burgeoning idea. We moved to Georgia, I talked to the sales guy, we moved the mattress into my room, I got really sick, my immune system blew up, and I now have even more health problems than I had back in 2006, when I thought I was as sick as I could possibly get.

Yesterday, I was doing some thinking and I got smacked really hard in the head by that Idea. That Idea that I felt like I was being told I was supposed to be doing on that December day in 2008. It occurred to me that if I am meant to do that The Universe is going to keep throwing up walls to prevent me from doing other things until I accept that is what I am supposed to be doing. In other words, if I decide that I am going to take a sales job, I might get hit by a car and put into traction until that job opportunity no longer exists. Last time I got a mildewy mattress. It reminded me how important The Idea was and that I really needed to pursue it.

I picture the life path sometimes like a literal path. We have specific markers that we have to get to in our journey. They are must-dos. We can venture off the path and take some scenic routes. We can learn some stuff, for good and ill, but when we get done with that, we end up right where stepped off, and then continue forward. It's like getting off the interstate and getting onto frontage road. You can ride all around the town. But, eventually, you get back on the interstate at the very same exit you got off. You can learn all kinds of interesting stuff about yourself by spending time in that town. You can hang out there for years even, but the truth of the matter is that you really weren't meant to get off at that exit at all. You know that when you get back on the interstate. You can be mad as hell that you got off the interstate at all or you can chalk it up as a learning experience.

You're probably wondering what is this thing that I see myself doing. Or maybe your eyes have glazed over and you don't care anymore. I see it starting out as a website. That is funny because I have no idea how to create and/or maintain a website. I can barely navigate this dumb site. So, that is the skill set I was referring to. I am going to have to learn how to do it. In fact, I am going to have to learn how to do lots of stuff. I think that will be the hardest, but I don't know. The thing is that I can see it in my head, I can feel it in my bones, and it sounds crazy.

This site is for sick people, like me, and other kinds of sick people. Ideally, I will have a list of doctors all over who listen. Doctors in every speciality. Doctors who listen and think outside the box. Doctors who don't just treat symptoms, but care about getting to the root of the problem. Doctors who are committed. Doctors who will at some point when this gets big enough either work pro bono or through my site. And the site will be funded by donations. Who will be donating? Lots of people. It is going to start out by people getting well through the site. A family member finding a doctor. And maybe they have a sibling who owns a fancy hotel. They offer to do a fundraising event free. You'll find this hard to believe, but I am actually a good public speaker. And before this is done I am going to be doing public speaking to the rich, famous, and wealthy. And they are going to fund this site. Because the site isn't enough.

We are going to start building homes all across the country for people who have lost everything, and are too sick to work, and they don't have parents, like me, to take them in. And the doctors are going to work pro bono, and we are going to find someone to help them get a job afterward. And that guy who has the funny hair and the crazy energy is going to help us build some of our houses. And every time we build, famous people are going to come out with hammers and nails. Or maybe it will be on the HGTV lineup. And because of that, more money and support is going to come in, and it is going to start changing people's lives. And people are going to pay money to be listed as sponsors on the site. As will businesses. And we are going to really make a difference and help people.

You might be thinking that I am crazy and that it is just the mania. I would agree with you if I haven't been thinking about this since 2008. This is what I saw in my head when I woke up back in 2008. I could see myself working on this website, making the speeches, the need for the houses. I could see it all. I just let it go when something more practical came along. And then I let that go when I got really sick and couldn't do it. And now I am standing in the same place on the path where I was before. I read recently somewhere, "Love with an open hand and hope."

all images found at www.weheartit.com

Sunday, August 29, 2010


Going to try the one word post again. It turned out pretty well last time, but I have no idea how it will work out today. The words you guys offered up are written down on pieces of paper in my black sequin-covered top hat. Yeah, I have one of those. I bought it for my one and only choreographed karaoke number, Hey Big Spender. Ah... the good old days. Thank you, Liza, for contributing five words or the selection would be very slim. Hopefully, this will spur you on to give me more words in your comments;-) I also pulled this clip so that you might get an idea of what you're in for with this exercise (don't forget to turn off the sound on my music player at the bottom of the page):

This is going to be fifteen minutes of me puking up whatever comes to mind on whatever word comes out of the hat. Okay, I am shuffling the words and pulling out a word now. The word is: discombobulate.

Good Lord. Well, that is appropriate. If there is anything that I have been this week it is that! It seems like this week has been very discombobulated. As in upside down, topsy turvy, everything gone awry. Sorta feels like I have been riding down the road on the wrong side with my head on the floor board and my feet driving the car. Yeah, like that. Barefoot, no less. And, I have not been wearing a seat belt either. I have also been cranky. Little Miss Cranky Pants at your service here.

They should give you a brochure when you file bankruptcy that it will very likely make you cranky. Not real fun to be around. Hmmm. Maybe they just assume that you are smart enough to anticipate that ahead of time. Yeah, probably. Well, I didn't. I thought it would be a big fat relief. That was dumb. I am still waiting on the relief to begin to flow. That relief can start happening at any second.

Turns out that my medication is really messing with me. Who knew? Yeah. Shocking. They starting messing with your meds and it might actually make you a little bit crazy. Turns out. Huh. Well, they have increased one of my meds (and still are) ~ they call it titrating it up until it hits max effectiveness for the fibromyalgia. Well, it is working for the fibro, which is good. The bad is that it is also an anti-depressant, and I was already taking an anti-depressant. Well... all of that anti-depressant has made me manic depressive. Yeah, they have turned me into a bipolar person.

Now, that is crazy right? Funny huh? When I am manic, like now, I think it is hilarious. They took a person with all kinds of medical problems and actually added one more. That is a laugh riot. The downside is when I come off this high, I feel suicidal. Yeah, I actually feel suicidal. I think about killing myself for several days before the mania kicks back in. Isn't that downright jovial? So, I am now titrating down on my other anti-depressant to try and get some of the anti-depressant out of my system. We shall see if that works. My mother says that if I kill myself with the pills when I am in the suicidal down phase, she will have them revive me somehow just so that she can kill me again. That is her way of saying that she loves me very much and that it would kill her if I killed me. Isn't that sweet? Barring that, she threatened to then kill her own self with my pills if I did myself in. Well, that sucks lemons. Who can kill themselves even at their most suicidal knowing that their mother is going to jump down the rabbit hole after them? I guess she was making her point. God bless her.

Those doctors. When they say they are practicing medicine. Believe them. They are not lying. They really are practicing medicine. On you. On me. And I am beginning to think that they really have no idea what they are doing. We are all just test subjects. Like rats. Rats in a maze. My time is almost up. It's a good thing because I think I smell some cheese. I'm outta here.

image found at www.photobucket.com

Saturday, August 28, 2010


I am really beginning to enjoy these Inspirational Song Saturdays. It has taken a couple of weeks for them to really grow on me, but here we are. I don't get the same kind of joy from them that I do HERE'S TO YOU THURSDAYS, but every day can't be Thursday. Seriously, every day can't be Thursday. It takes me a solid week to come up with that material.

This Saturday thing is totally different. I don't even start thinking about it until the end of the week. And that is the 80s video featurette portion. The song that is inspirational to me often doesn't even become a glimmer until the day of the event. That means today. Although last week's song was kind of sticking with me all week, so that does go to show that there is no real formula to this thing.

As always, we shall start with the song that is sticking in my brain. In other words, we are starting with the song that is speaking to me. Ever since I heard Coldplay's song, The Scientist, I loved it. It spoke to me on every level. Of course, once I watched the video, it all clicked into place. The one thing that everyone has wanted to do at one point their life is to go back in time and get a do-over. They just want to go back to the start, so that they can do it better, or different, or something. So, when you listen to the lyrics of this song he first says why he wants to go back to the start. Then he makes note of the fact its over and how hard it is, so take him back to the start. But that's when he starts talking about questions of science, science and progress, because he realizes that it is all just running in circles, and chasing your tail. You can want it more than anything. Want it so much that it hurts with the wanting of it, and all you are doing is running in circles, and chasing your tail. There is no such thing as going back to the start. Not even if you are a scientist. The best you can do is live with things the way that they are right now. DON'T FORGET TO TURN OFF MY MUSIC PLAYER AT THE BOTTOM OF THE PAGE.

If you are wondering how that was inspirational, a reminder to live in the present is a good thing sometimes. Particularly, when you are frustrated with the choices that you made in the past. Since you can't undo them, you just have to ride it out.

Now, let's talk about the 80s and video. That is ever so much more fun. Honestly, I believe that Blondie came on the scene in the 70s. My memory is vague on this one. I think the late 70s. Again, I could look this up, but I don't want to, because that isn't the point. I am fairly certain that her song Call Me was in the movie American Gigolo, which I never got to see, because it was Rated "R," and I was like 12. That being said, maybe it was the early 80s. In any case, I think her first big song was pre-MTV. I looked up most of her songs on YouTube, and it wasn't all that exciting in terms of video. What I am saying is that she didn't get creative with video like Madonna and Duran Duran and some of the others you will see here.

That said, Blondie got lots of radio play, and her most creative video was probably Rapture. I just personally don't care for the song. That is hilarious because I had a Blondie Greatest Hits cassette tape that I practically wore the sound off of, but I always fast forwarded over that song! So, it is likely the only song that still plays!!! Another interesting side note, I had a music professor in college make a disparaging comment about Blondie. He said that the only reason she was successful was because the music industry was looking for someone with her "look" and she fit the bill. I didn't say anything, but I thought he was off his rocker. If all they wanted was a pretty blonde, they could find someone with the talent he didn't think she had, and put some dye in her hair. Curiously, that is all I remember from his class.

Here are a couple of Blondie videos. I hope that they bring back some good memories. Or, if you are a young one, you shall know what you missed out on by not being a child of the 80s. I pity you. MTV will never rock like that again.

Friday, August 27, 2010


This is a two-for-one post. I had a revelation before falling asleep last night. One of those lightbulb moments. I had to share it before I forgot it. Do you remember the blog where I told you how I couldn't wrap my head around my dad disowning his sister and vice versa? You don't? Well you can read that here to catch up.

So, this whole bankruptcy stuff is getting to me. I have some ideas about bringing paperwork to the hearing to show that my uncle was the lien holder on the van, etc. However, in the event that doesn't work, and they decide to take the van from him, I already know that my mom is going to pay the remaining $5000 to him. Well, that is what tears me up. It isn't like my uncle gave me an interest-free loan here. So, while I haven't said it to her, I have been thinking to myself that I sure hope that he goes back over his records, shaves off the interest, and only asks for the principal, or says "forget about it" to my mom. This is family. This isn't a mortgage company. He knows that my mother, his sister, is in financial trouble. To make her pay the $5000 so that he makes a profit on his investment bites my ass. Now, if it wasn't family, that would be different.

The thing is that my mother would pay the $5000 and not even be mad that she was paying the principal plus the interest. She wouldn't be mad that he was making a profit on her pain. But I will be mad as hell. 1) Because she is covering my loan 2) Family just doesn't do that to family when the chips are down.

So, then I altered this scenario in my head a little bit and imagined me being my mother, with my opinions being what they are, and my uncle being my brother. Since the only kids that I have are H-Girl and C-Man they are stepping in as me. Let's say one of them got sick. Since C-Man is actually the most likely to succeed in this scenario, let's say it is him. He had a very successful life and then he got sick, and it all went to hell in a hand basket. He held on as well as could, started selling things, eventually moved in with me, but got screwed in his divorce. I was a lot better, but not nearly as financially fluid as my brother. We both got money from my dad when he passed, but my health remained problematic. So, my brother paid for C-Man's car and C-Man was making the car payments. It was no problem until his life went to crap. He got sick, was unable to work (his situation looked a lot like mine), and here we are. His wife was a lot like The Operator. He had done so much for her, including the car, and now he was stuck with an upside down vehicle, and she was riding around without a car payment. He was facing bankruptcy, filing for SSD, I used part of my inheritance money, which had been tied up in an IRA, to pay my brother $10,000 on the car. There was still a balance of $5000 (same situation folks). And then the bankruptcy attorney says that the car might be taken to pay off the other creditors even though its total value is $5000. C-Man is sick. I am sick. The only difference is that I go to my brother with this news and he expects me to pay him $5000 if they take the car. I ask him to figure out how much was interest, and I will pay the principal. I explain that you shouldn't make a profit on family. He says a loan is a loan. And then I tell him that I am disowning his ass. He is no longer my brother. And he can forget about me giving him squat.

It isn't about the $5000. It is the principal of the thing. You shouldn't profit off your family when they are in pain and barely surviving. I couldn't understand how my father could do such a thing under any circumstances. Money? You disowned your sister over money? I didn't get it. And he couldn't explain it in such a way that I could get it. Last night lying in bed, I got it. It wasn't money. I don't know what it was. It sounded and looked like money, but it wasn't money. In their case, it was a whole lot of hurt that ran really deep for a long time. In the above scenario, it would be someone who was aware that I had been hurting and struggling for a long time. Instead of helping and making that easier, as my one and only sibling, by holding out a helping hand, it would be like getting a kick in the face with a boot. Now, do I think my brother would do that to me? No. I don't. Do I think my uncle would do that to my mother? Yes, I think he just might. However, she isn't helping the situation. She's already told him she'd pay it. It makes me sick to my stomach. My migraines are worse. And my general feeling of being responsible for everything shitty in everyone's lives are stronger.

Okay, now let's clear the mind of all this crap because I have seven questions to answer. I have been tagged a couple of times. So, this is just round one. Today's questions are coming from Yenta Mary the Food Floozie. If you are someone who likes to cook, enjoys looking at sumptuous dishes, reading recipes, and imagining what they taste like, or getting advice about where to eat out, those are all good reasons to check out this blog. However, the posts I enjoy most are when Mary is less food and more Mary. Don't get me wrong, she always manages to tell you something about herself in each post. You know why? She is one interesting lady. Maybe we can talk her into starting a non-food blog. Who knows? Let's see what eight questions she cooked up for me... (yeah, that pun was totally intended)...

1. What item of yours has the most sentimental value, and why?

I have a silver ring that is a little bit too big for my fingers from my nanny. She collected horse figurines that stand about six inches tall and I have some of those. I also have some red glass that belonged to my grandma, because she collected it, and a cup and saucer. She also painted me this picture of a robin and it's nest. She promised me this picture of herself as a child, which she later gave to my aunt. However, she made me a really nice copy. I hate that copy. And I clearly still have issues about it. This is the aunt that is married to my uncle who bought my van. I have my Grandma Laura's entire plate collection. It is really beautiful. It has been in boxes since I moved out of my house in 2006. So, I am going to go with my green backpack. When I went to college, one of the first things I found out was that it was totally uncool to carry a purse. Uncool and not at all handy. So, I went to the college bookstore and picked out my backpack. It went with me everywhere (pretty much) for those four years. I carried it the two years I lived in NY every day to work. When I went on my Europe trip, it went with me. When I went to FL, it was the carry-all when I went to the beach. That backpack has been more reliable than all of my friends. Because of the straps, even when it is full the weight distribution isn't too painful to carry. That has been a kindness. Sometimes I have taken it out in lousy weather, and still it stands at the ready.

2. What is the best compliment you've ever received?

Wow. I could be stuck on this question forever. Everything I think of gets thrown out because the person no longer is speaking to me, the person is my relative, and, therefore, biased, or I haven't seen said person in such a long time that it really is no longer relevant. Then I think of some of the nice things that you people have said, but I don't feel that those count, even though some of you know me in ways that people in real life never will. And yet... that seems really lame.

The only thing I can think of, and it is really sad if it is the "best," is something that a friend of mine here said and will still say if prompted. "When I met Robin, I hated her. I mean I couldn't stand her. She said something at the karaoke bar (I was drunk and taking all of my medications and out of my freaking mind, but this person didn't know that) and I got offended. It wasn't until much later when we talked (when I wasn't drunk and off my rocker) that I realized she was actually nice. We became friends and have become really good friends. It just goes to show that first impressions aren't always right." Well, this friend and I have seen each other a total of two times since I have been back. Once by deliberation and once by accident. I have now been here for over a year. We talk on the phone sometimes. I comment on her FB status and we send email. I saw her more when I lived in FL and came up to stay with her when I saw my dr and stayed at her house.

3. What did you want to be when you grew up?

I wrote a blog about this. It was always changing when I was a kid. Every time I saw a new movie, that was what I wanted to be. Finally, I realized I wanted to be an actress, because I didn't really want to BE any of those things. Or a ROCKSTAR. I majored in music. That meant I went with rockstar. I should have majored in theatre. As it turned out, I was a commission sales person for the better part of my working life. That is a lot like theatre. At least in some ways.

What I really wanted to be was happy. Too bad that they didn't have courses on that in school.

4. Do you love or loathe family get-togethers?

The only family that lives close are my mom's sister and her husband. My cousin lives close, too, but he isn't around a lot. I guess I like them because they don't happen real often and don't last too long. They usually involve food and then we play a game. If they are still hanging around after that, and it's at our house, I will excuse myself and go to my room. About four hours is my tolerance point. When we are on vacation, go out of state, and are visiting all of the relatives it is different. These are people that we haven't seen in FOREVER and it takes a long time to catch up. So, it is a different story. I like them. However, it's always nice to get home. I imagine they say the same. It's nice when they come, but it's nice when they leave. And there you have that.

5. What is your favorite breakfast?

It has been so long since I have had breakfast food at breakfast time.... That is crazy. The thing about breakfast is that I love breakfast food. I love restaurants that serve breakfast all day. I suppose my favorite is boring. Eggs over easy with toast. Grits with cheese in them (I am living in the south people). Or no cheese in the grits, but turkey sausage and white gravy. Then I put the white gravy in the grits and on the sausage. But not the grits on the sausage because that would be gross.

6. Where were you born?

Canton, Ohio

7. What is your favorite holiday?


8. What are you going to do for yourself today to make yourself happy?

Mary, I feel like slapping you through the computer.

I suppose that taking my regularly scheduled pain medication doesn't count, even though it makes me very happy. Well, not very happy. Less freaking miserable.

I am going to continue reading the 4th novel in the Sookie Stackhouse series. They make me laugh.

Now I have to think of eight questions and eight people to answer them.

1. We all dance with the seven sins from time to time. Which of the seven sins do you dance with most frequently, and why? They are wrath, greed, sloth, pride, lust, envy, and gluttony.

2. If you could live for a week in the body of someone famous, who would it be? You would still be you, but you could access their need to know info as you needed to know it. Of course, the kicker is that they would live in your body and have the same privileges.

3. Do you believe that angels walk among us? That there are true psychics, mediums, or anyone who is more connected to God than the average person?

4) Have you ever dreamt about a future event that happened, a past event that happened when you were but a very young child, or anything that was just so real, but otherworldly, that you felt its truth in your soul? If so, I'm listening.

5) Do you feel like you have a gift that you aren't using? It could be for anything. Design, writing, art, photography, decoration. The list is endless.

6) Is there someone that you are unwilling to forgive? Is it weighing on your heart? Eating you up on the inside? This is a yes or no. If it is yes, I hope you make the choice today to want to forgive and then let it go. Throw out your desire into the universe.

7) If we were able to take away or add one element into the heart of each and every man, which one would be the one that would make the most difference in making this world a better place to live?

8) What is the last movie you saw at the movie theatre? Using the five star system, how would you rate it?

Chris at A Deliberate Life

Purple Cow at Australian in Athens

Red Shoe's Chronicles

Phoenix at Res Ipsa Loquitur

Ro Magnolia at Soft Winds and Roses

Mitzi at Southern Style

That one girl at What Was I Saying Again?

Carol at the Gardener

Thursday, August 26, 2010


It is that day again. What day is that you ask? How can you have forgotten? Drum roll please. It is HERE'S TO YOU THURSDAY, of course! The very best day of the blogging week. It is the precursor to the best day of the work week.

I notice that I actually have some newbies for this event. How exciting! Well, here is what is going down. This is a weekly event. The best (or worst) part is that I am not going to explain why I chose "whatever" footage for each of you. If, you watch your footage and are scratching your head at the end, well that means I didn't do a very good job. However, all is not lost. You can email me at rarichards68@gmail.com and ask me what I was thinking when I chose that particular piece of footage off of youtube and connected it to you. And then I will tell you. Then I will start sending up prayers that I haven't offended the crap out of whoever is on the receiving end of that email....lol. Because, honestly, I will tell you right now... I admire all of you enormously so I really hope that doesn't happen.

Also, this is not an exclusive venture by any means. I hope that you will take the time to watch ALL of the footage because I don't pick bad footage:-) I also hope that you might check out the blog of the person I dedicated the footage to because they are pretty darn awesome. If you haven't figured this out yet... I pick the footage based on something that you've written or something that I've gleaned from your personality. Think on that for a while... If you are having trouble watching the entire video (meaning it is being cut off on one side), click on it a couple of times and it will take you straight over to youtube. If you click on the four squares at the bottom corner of the video, it will enlarge it to fill your screen. The escape key will bring it back to normal size. The back arrow will bring you back to my page. Of course, you will have to deal with this all over again: Lastly, don't forget to turn off my music player at the bottom of the page. Sorry for the inconvenience.

Now, let's get this PARTY STARTED!!!!

This one is for everyone:

This one is for Candace at Mi Chiamo Candace:

This one is for Jeff at LIFE Can Be Funny (Sometimes):

This one is for Sharon at Musings of a Mercurial of Woman:

This one is for Purple Cow at Australian in Athens:

This one is for Yenta Mary the Food Floozie:

This one is for Chris at A Deliberate Life:

This one is for Ro Magnolia at and Soft Winds Roses:


miranda//christine MySpace Video

This one is for Mitzi at Southern Style:

This one is for Red Shoe's Chronicles:

Click here to watch.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010


We are going to step back into the present for this post. Unfortunately, it reflects my need for therapy more than it should! However, to help you understand it just a bit better I will give you just a tiny bit of background.

When I sold my house in 2006 and moved to FL, I was pretty much a bundle of nerves. The chronic pain of the migraines, combined with all of the stress, left me as one huge frayed nerve end. Thus, any time even a marginal amount of stress landed at my feet I lost it. And I mean lost it. We are talking total meltdown. It started with ranting and ending in a crying ball on the floor, couch, bed, whatever was closest. These also happened in public places because I was unable to control them. The DMV was one such place when I found out that there was an issue with my last name. Total meltdown right there. In front of everyone. When you are that far gone, you just don't care. Or maybe because you have no control over it, what is the point of caring? You can't stop it anyway.

I had one nearly every day at the house over my stuff. That lasted for about a month. Finally, I resigned myself to the fact that some of the stuff that I marked to come to FL got put in storage in GA and that was that. I could meltdown every day and it wouldn't change anything. Once I got used to the fact that I didn't know where anything was, it got easier. Then the meltdowns became restricted to more important things. Where is my debit card? Ahhhhhhh. Yeah, that kind of thing. It would have really helped had I been more organized. In time, that got better, too. How many times do you want to melt down because you misplaced something?

After the move to GA, I began melting down again when my migraines were SO bad right after we moved in. No surprise there. Ongoing chronic pain will do that. However, I had learned something after the first go-round with this and tried not to melt down over every little thing. I also tried not to meltdown in front of my mother all of the time. She always seemed to get the brunt of it in FL. They weren't directed at her; she was just the one witnessing me go off the rails and it wasn't pretty.

Yesterday was the big appointment with the bankruptcy attorney. It was the one to set everything in motion. They were taking down all of my information so that they could file it with the court. Honestly, I had not been looking forward to this all the way down the line, but I had hit a point of resignation about the whole thing. My dad could not continue to pay these bills. He didn't have the money. Everything was fine until we got to the part about my van. If I could go back in time and not buy this van, you have no idea how much I would do that. But, moving on...

The van is a 2004 and I got a loan from my uncle (via my grandma) for this vehicle. So, I was making the payments to my uncle as opposed to a bank or lending agency. This vehicle was also very upside down because it was the result of all The Operator's bad trade's throughout his lifetime (that is the long story part). In other words, I owed way more than the vehicle was worth. He would have gotten this vehicle in the divorce had I did not trust him to make the payments. Obviously, I didn't. Instead, he got my car which had no car payment, because I had paid it off. Ugh. You got some of the long story anyway. Sorry. Moving on...

Anyway, I started shedding everything I could shed a while ago. I knew that I needed to get rid of the van. I also knew it was going to be at a loss. So, my mom talked to my uncle about it. The actual value of the van is only $5,000 and I owe $15,000. Of course, that is about right. That is about how upside down my ex was... So, my mother took $10,000 out of her money to give my uncle and he said he would take the van. Well... when the subject of the van came up, the attorney said that the judge might very well decide to take the van back from my uncle, sell it, and use that money to pay my other creditors. The fact that my uncle was the lien holder on the van doesn't factor in because the van title was in my name. We had a written agreement, but because we are family, it doesn't really count. We went round about this several different ways. My mom asked several insightful questions. For instance, would my uncle get a portion of the sale from the van since he is also a creditor? No. After about five minutes of this she says something like she will have to pull another $5,000 out of her 401K to pay my uncle.

That is when I freaking lost it right there in that office. I was declaring bankruptcy because I am financially crippling my father. This is to save him from that. By declaring bankruptcy I am financially crippling my mother. She and my stepfather are hanging on by a freaking thread. They are talking about selling their house next year because they can't afford this one. They didn't anticipate all of the expenses, etc. They thought I would be working, etc.

And I went right over the edge. I've been there before. It's not a pretty place. In fact, it's dark and ugly and insanity rolls off the tongue. Your filter disappears and all of the things that hide in the closet and live under the bed come out and shriek in your ear. And you say words like "fucking" with strangers in the room like you would say "good day."

It's fucking ridiculous. It's fucking unfair. No matter what you do one of your fucking parents gets fucked. And all anyone cares about is their fucking money. And really the only solution to this whole fucking problem would be for me to swallow a whole goddamn bottle of my fucking pills so that no one would have a fucking thing to take from anyone anyone anymore. It's not like it would be any big fucking loss anyway.

Well that cleared the room of the paralegal. My mother just looked shell shocked. I am sure of it was the fact that she hadn't heard that much use of the word fuck in such a short period of time, or if she was thinking about counting my pills. Oh, I forgot about the crying. I ended my rant with lots of crying.

The paralegal comes back with the attorney who explains that they might not take my uncle's van, but they might. It depends upon the judge. So my mother says to me we should just start sending up positive stuff into the universe that the judge doesn't take the van. I am like, "Yeah, that worked so well with the key." We never did find the fucking key, for the record.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010


Okay, this is my last post about high school in terms of me and my therapy. Yeah, I am still doing my internal work that led to my bad decision making later in life.

If you will recall, I mentioned three junior high schools: Wilson, Lincoln, and Roosevelt. Well... my mom and I went round and round about this before I wrote that blog. I kept saying to her that there were four junior high schools, but I couldn't think of the name of the fourth. She couldn't either and she knew the locations of the above three.

She says to me, "If there was a fourth, where was it?"

This was not a fair question. I didn't know where Lincoln and Roosevelt were located. I still don't. Let me put this into perspective for you. After I got my first car, I did minimal driving. I drove from my house to school and back. I could drive to my various friends' houses. However, one night at the dinner table, I said this, "I don't know what I am going to do tomorrow. After school I have to go to Somewhere (on the other side of town) and run some errands and then I have to go back to the high school for play practice (or some sort of practice, I don't remember)." My brother laughed out loud. He was four years younger than me and could easily do this. My parents looked at me like I had grown an extra nose on my face.

Finally, my mother says, "You are kidding, right?"

I say that I am not and they go over the route with me. The only way I knew how to get to school was from MY house. I was having to come at it from another direction and I was clueless. Yeah, this dysfunction created a lot of problems for me for a long time. In other words, I spent a lot of time being lost. It took about ten years for the concept of north, south, east, and west, to actually stop being conceptual and actually be REAL. Once that happened, driving got a lot easier. Yeah, I know. Sometimes book smart and street smart are two really different things. One other thing I learned. Being lost isn't always all bad. You can find shortcuts. Moving on...

I thought of the fourth junior high: Kennedy. I have no idea where it was located, in case you were wondering.

Anyway, our high school was huge. My graduating class was huge. The best thing about the merger of all of these junior highs was that they filled in that socio-economic gap that we had at Wilson. It no longer existed. When that happened, all of the rules changed. In fact, the kids on the hill didn't feel quite so entitled anymore. They were outnumbered here. So, the things that brought people together changed. Of course, people that grew up together and had been best friends stuck. However, a lot of new friendships formed based upon mutual interests. For instance, people who played sports could actually become friends in this environment. At Wilson, that wasn't really possible if one person lived on the hill and the other person didn't. Now, it was. Like I said, the rules changed.

As for me, my friends became 1) choir people 2) theatre people 3) smart people. Yep, I was taking all enriched classes for college, so I had a lot of classes with the same people all day. Guess what? A lot of those people were kids from the hill at Wilson. However, the switch had flipped. Why? Because I was one of the smart people. The rules had changed. Our class had about 300 people in it. I graduated #23 with a 4.0 GPA. I actually got invited up to the hill to study with some of these people who previously wouldn't talk to me. We become pseudo-friends. Study buddies. You know geek stuff. Same went with choir and theatre. Although that was more fun and the friendships were more real. In any event, all the disdain and disrespect that flew at Wilson evaporated at Newark High School. I don't know if it was like that for everyone. But that was what it was like for me.

So, Robin, if life was so freaking awesome in high school where is the therapy coming in? Well, it is that darn tape loop from Wilson that would still play in the back of my head. I didn't understand about tape loops then. I sure didn't know how to turn one off. So, it didn't matter how good things were going, there was always a lingering feeling of doom.

1)You're not enough. You'll never be enough.

That one liked to kick in when things were going really well. Things would go good and that tape would start to play. Suddenly, that urge to look over my shoulder. Check and double check. Just an ick feeling. Something bad is going to happen today.

2) Unpretty.

Boy, that one was completely unshakable. I was an expert at self sabotage. Anytime I thought someone would ask me out, I managed to make that not happen. And if it did. After we were going out for a couple of weeks, the feeling of insecurity ran so deep, that I would break up with the guy. I am too busy with music, theatre, etc. No time for you. Adios. Heaven forbid someone actually make me feel good about myself and pull that tape out of my loop.

3) I am not good at sports.

We only had gym sophomore year. Maybe just one semester. It is funny because I just don't really much remember it. By this time, I really wasn't good at sports. My brain had won this battle. And I read most of the time, etc. I was out of shape. I truly no longer was good at sports. However, this must not have been as traumatic as Wilson, b/c I hardly remember it.

As I said, I was really involved in theatre. I know that I wrote a blog about when Mrs. Booher took over the theatre department. That was this huge blessing for me. We always did a musical in the fall and a straight play in the spring. My junior year we did OKLAHOMA. That was fun. I didn't have any sort of big role. The seniors got those. However, it was fun being in the chorus. I auditioned for the straight play, expecting the same. It was UP THE DOWN STAIRCASE. I hoped to maybe get the role of a student. I actually got a pretty big part. Not the lead, but the other teacher, Bea. I was shocked.

My senior year, the musical was L'IL ABNER and I got the role of Mammy Yokum. That has to be one of the best parts ever. I still have the corn cob pipe. That character was a hoot to play. In the spring, the straight play was ARSENIC AND OLD LACE. There are only three female roles in that play and two of them are the old ladies who keep killing people off with arsenic. It is a comedy, for the record. Had I not just played an old person in L'IL ABNER, I would have been totally jazzed about that. As it was, I was meh. My unpretty tape loop kicked in. The thing is that I was also in Acting Ensemble, and we were putting on shows, and I wasn't playing old people there, and I should have sucked it up. However, my unpretty tape loop was playing.

The worst thing in the world happened. Mrs. Booher asked me what part I wanted to play in ARSENIC AND OLD LACE. She asked me what part I wanted to play. Me and my unpretty tape loop. And I told her Elaine. That was the smallest female part in the entire play. However, she was young blah blah blah. And that is how she cast me! And that wouldn't have been so bad if one of the actresses playing one of the old ladies hadn't sucked lemons. I mean she just couldn't act. Mrs. Booher worked with what she had. She cast a plump girl and a thin girl to play those parts. The plump one was good. The thin one was not. My best friend's brother came to see the play, probably because he had some friends in it, and he actually said to Jennifer, that it was a relief every time I came on stage because that is the only time that play didn't suck. Keep in mind, her brother didn't like me. He found me annoying. So that really was a compliment!

I know that Mrs. Booher had to have regretted asking me what part I wanted once rehearsals began and she saw that this girl couldn't carry her weight in the role. I know that I regret it now. In fact, I have regretted it for years. It never occurred to me that in high school and college would be the only time I would get to play old people until I was actually old. It was a gift. An acting gift. I was so blinded by my unpretty tape loop I couldn't even see it. I wish that she had dragged me into her office and explained to me what a gift it was. Or cast me in the part I was meant to play because it was the right thing for the show. And then say it just like that if I asked why I didn't get the part of Elaine. I feel certain that she asked me what part I wanted to play because she respected me as an actor, and she wanted to give me the gift of a choice. How many high school directors do that for their kids? Not many, I am thinking. I love her for it, but I wish she'd just cast me in one of the lead roles, because high school kids don't have a clue as to what they are doing. Besides, how do you explain you want a small part because you feel unpretty?

Don't forget to turn off my music player at the bottom.

Monday, August 23, 2010


My high school was huge. It was more like a college campus than a high school. All of the junior high schools dumped into the public high school, so it had to be big. I can't remember how many buildings there were, but they were lettered and I think you had five minutes to change classes because sometimes you had quite a walk. The campus was really quite beautiful at certain times of year, and treacherous at others (i.e. winter when it was icy). It turns out I was also really terrible about leaving my umbrella under my chair in a class during the rainy season; it would quit raining during the day and it got left behind. Therefore, every Christmas I got something like five umbrellas. Ridiculous.

As you might imagine, the first day of school was intimidating. I was walking along looking for my homeroom building, and feeling very lost like 300+ other people, when the miracle happened. ::Wait for it:: Kellie popped up beside me. My first instinct was terror, but then she started chatting me up like we were best buddies. My next feeling was confusion. Then came understanding. My last name started with "R" and hers with "S." She, too, was lost and she believed that I was smarter, so she was sticking to me, so that I could help her get to her homeroom. That made me feel enormously better. That day I looked at Kellie for the first time with new eyes and I saw what she never wanted me to see: insecurity. The kicker was that she knew that I knew her secret. That day was the last she and I ever spoke.

I was free.

image found at www.weheartit.com

Sunday, August 22, 2010


You are going to be thrilled to discover that this is another Random Post from me. This one might be even more random than most. I can actually feel your eyes glazing over. Scary. The problem is too many topics rolling around in my brain. Of course, that is usually the case with these random posts. If I could settle on one thing it wouldn't be random.

I started reading THE OUTSIDERS today. I can't believe how much I forgot. The feeling I remembered, but most of the actual plot, I forgot. I am about halfway through.

I had a really terrible migraine yesterday that kept me in bed most of the day. I kinda sorta dozed. I thought a lot about my celebrity crush who shall go unnamed. I haven't had a celebrity crush since I was teenager. Fictional crushes. All of the time. Pretty much any book I am reading, there is some sort of crush going on at least until the book ends. Characters in movies, TV shows, etc. But not the actual person. It's the character. For instance, I crushed on Angel for ten years. And now I have a crush on Sealy Booth. Yes, they are both played by David Boreanz, but my God, could they be more different? No way. And the crush pretty much lasts the duration of the show and then I forgot them until next week. Why is this? Well, because Clark Kent, Dean Winchester, McSteamy, McDreamy, and Alex Karev are all taking up space in my brain in between now and then. I think you get where I am going with this. They all get their hour in the sun and then lights off until next week.

So, it was me, my migraine, and my celeb crush. You know what I discovered? My fantasy life sucks. Do you remember that scene in WHEN HARRY MET SALLY, and Harry and Sally are discussing fantasies? And he asks if she has them and she admits she does, but then says the only thing that distinguishes one from another is what she's wearing. It's her outfits. Yeah, mine were kinda like that. I think it's why I kept falling asleep. My fantasies were boring me. Well, it could have been the medication and the migraine. But still...

I am fairly certain that I have not confessed on here my personal connection to Ally McBeal. I felt like that was the show that "got me." Ally and I were the same. For the most part. In the ways that counted. I didn't have hallucinations, I was never a lawyer, I didn't have to work with my first love (and his wife), but we felt the same way about things. In other words, we were financially independent women whose lives were one dating disaster after another. She just had more sex and she said what she thought. I just thought it. So, I related to her in a fairly major way. Getting back to yesterday...

Anyway, after I got up last night all groggy and really annoyed. And still migrainey. I took a shower. For those of you not in the know, it is also called The Think Tank. While I was in The Think Tank I remembered the season opener (at the time I couldn't recall if it was 2 or 3) of Ally McBeal when she comes into the office all wet over the weekend. Turns out she went through a car wash. The kind where you are supposed to stay inside the vehicle. Well... there was this really hot guy in the car wash giving her the come hither look, so she got out of the car and they had sex in the car wash. She never knew his name but she looked really.really.really.happy. Of course, that didn't last. She ended up taking this case for some woman and won it. Woman was so happy that she asked Ally to be a bridesmaid. Ally is walking down the aisle and guess who the groom is? You can see this coming now, right? Car wash guy. Of course, Ally speaks up at the point where you can stop the wedding and it all goes down the tube for the bride and groom.

One would think, that would be the end of that. It was either the next episode, or a few later, they reappear. The car wash guy shows up at Ally's office asking her to try and convince the bride that it meant nothing (or something like that). Well, they end up having sex again in her office. Jeez. This time, Ally is the one saying let's keep this on the down low. In the end, Car Wash Guy and Her Client got married and Ally attended the wedding, but not as a bridesmaid. However, the best part of the show was the end ~ and I cannot find it on the Internet anywhere ~ which stuns me. Of course, I can't remember it exactly. However, it is total Ally. She and Renee and Whipper are talking about this crazy wedding and Ally's involvement with Car Wash Guy. They know that she slept with him twice. And Ally says something like, "After thinking about this for a while I have decided that he wasn't so fantastic in bed after all." Renee and Whipper just stop and stare at her like she's nuts b/c Ally has gone on and on about what great sex this was. Ally continues, "I have decided that it was me. I am amazing in bed and he, you know, kept up."

On the positive side, I think I have completely let go of the man formerly known as Right Guy. Since he clearly is not Right Guy, his handle will have to change. I am thinking Mr. Electric or Speed of Sound. You can cast your votes on that one. How did this happen? I implemented my plan like I would for forgiveness. I just had a strong desire to let him go, and I woke up one day and realized that it had happened. It feels good.

As for me and my fantasy life, I think I just have to use the aforementioned above plan and see what happens. I hope I don't catch on fire. ;-)Laters peeps.

all images found at www.photobucket.com

Saturday, August 21, 2010


Yeah, I know that they don't seem to go together, but I have managed to make this work. Don't ask me how, because I couldn't do it again.

Well... all of you who commented on yesterday's blog gave me something to think about. I am not oblivious to the fact that bullies exist everywhere. In fact, one of my Wilson facebook sufferers, Cathy, told me that she discovered while she was doing that helping out in kindergarten business stuff (why can't I think of the names of things???), that there was already one kindergarten girl bullying the others. She was like WTF is going on here? So, apparently they aren't waiting for middle school and junior high anymore. As soon as they get into school, let the torture begin. Since Cathy got it so bad in junior high (worse than I actually, but I didn't know that until FB), that little girl is lucky Cathy didn't dropkick her right there on the playground. I am not sure how you would explain that, but I guess if you planned it long enough, you could come up with something creative. Maybe there is a novel in there somewhere...

"She was only five and she was already a bitch. That gleam was in her eye, indicating that she was picking out her next victim on the playground. It was anyone's guess what form of torture she planned to inflict. It was uncanny. There was the mind of a thirteen year old in a kindergartner. She batted those baby blues innocently after each incident of another child taking a fall, running into a pole, getting sand in their eyes, their lunch in their laps, and teachers were hard pressed to believe it could be anything but an accident." Oh yeah, that kid is the next Bonnie to Clyde. I hope her parents are real asshats. Otherwise, my sympathies.

Oops. I realized that I just said ass again. Now, that makes it twice. And bitch. That's even worse. Quitting cursing isn't as easy as it sounds. In theory, no problemo. In writing, very hard. In talking, pretty easy. I don't say a whole lot around here. Besides, I like the word asshat. Damn. I did it again. Now I just said damn. And again. Eeeks. I better move on.

Today, is inspirational music day. When I was lying in bed NOT SLEEPING, I was thinking about today's post. My migraines have been bad the last week or so. I think that maybe it's the rain. Maybe I'm hormonal. Maybe it's the fact that I breathe in and out. Who knows? And I am still liking the idea of a video/song that I find inspiring on some level right now, and a video or group from the 80s that really worked MTV. Let's start with the former.

I have been thinking a lot about Billy Joel's song WE DIDN'T START THE FIRE. The video is actually pretty good. However, that is not why the song is on my brain. It has occurred to me that had he wanted to, he could have picked any decade to start that song, and had plenty of material. Yep. Any decade. He could have started BC if he wanted to do the research. Of course, the song would have been really long, and most people would not have known WHAT he was SINGING about. That is because, I repeat, people are stupid. I am throwing myself in on this one. I would have been like, say what? What is he yammering about? Of course, I was a teenager. Well, I am still not up on my history BC by the decade. Or AD for that matter. My point is that he could have started in 1800 and gone by the decade, and still had plenty of material. 1700. 1600. 1500. It doesn't matter when he started. He could decide that he wanted to add on to that song RIGHT NOW and he would have loads of material. I guess he knew that, because he ended the song by saying that the fire wasn't ever going to go out.

The only thing that he doesn't say that he should have said, in my opinion, is that maybe we didn't start the fire, BUT, we sure do keep throwing the gas on it. Or oil. Each decade contributes to the fire. And we are part of the decade. Granted, some of us are contributing more than others. Instead he says we try to fight it. Well, some of us try to fight it, but lots of people are throwing stuff on it, because it seems to me that it is getting bigger, rather than smaller. But that is just my opinion. Or maybe it has always been huge and my perspective has broadened. I don't know. It just seems like it's a damn big fire. Oops. I said the "d" word again. Let's start the video. Don't forget to turn off my music player at the bottom of the page. Sorry about that.

Okay, once again, you are going to have to rely on my unreliable brain because I am just not going to look this stuff up. Ha ha. I know that is crappy. But, I am not presenting myself as an authority on this subject; I am just telling you what I think. I think that some singers/bands really used MTV as a launching pad for their music and some didn't. How do I know this? Well, I spent hours doing my homework in front of MTV waiting for this band to come on. I am confessing my teenage crush here. My mother bought cork strips so that I had two rows on one wall to hang pictures of said crush. How did I get pictures of this crush? Tiger Beat magazine, of course. My humiliation is now complete. Every now and then some other cutie would hang up there temporarily, but pretty much all of my space went to John Taylor of Duran Duran. Ugggh. I feel naked.

My friend, Megan, was pretty convinced that he was gay. Yes, that is the same Megan who owned the Ford Mustang. She has excellent radar for this sort of thing. However, it didn't matter. There's this part of me that wants to do the Seinfeld bit: "Not that there's anything wrong with that." And there isn't, unless you're actually in a relationship with a real-life guy, and you strongly suspect he's gay. In that case, he isn't the guy for you. In this case, the reason it didn't matter was that I was a teenager who lived in the middle of Ohio. Hello. He was a MAN in his 20s and a ROCKSTAR. Even if had been heterosexual (and maybe he is) my chances were like...none. So, seriously, his straightness, or lack thereof, meant absolutely nothing to me. Then and now.

Can you guess what the most frustrating part of having a crush on John Taylor was? Aside from age and geography and my lack of being rich and a rockstar? The fact that he was the guitar player. Egads. Do you know how much face time the guitar player gets in a video? Well, just a little bit more than the drummer. It is ALWAYS better to crush on the singer. However, Simon did nothing for me. He was a great singer, but he did not ring my bell.

Okay, let's get back to Duran Duran and their video making. This is actually something that they picked up on and ran with, in terms of creativity. I think that one of their most creative videos is Rio. Unfortunately, there are almost no shots of.... wait for it.... John Taylor. Yeah, back in the day, this was a big disappointment if I had been waiting three hours for a DD video and I got this video. However, it is an excellent example of a band taking a great song and making an equally great video. It got a lot of play (take it from me) on MTV.

Click here to watch the video. It wouldn't embed.

That is always so annoying. Oh well. Unfortunately, just about all of the Duran Duran vids are not embedding. This one is not very original. It is an in concert vid that they used for The Reflex. However, it was my favorite b/c I actually got to see JT sometimes...lol.

You can click here to watch it.

He is the guitar player with the blonde streaks. He is also standing most of the time to Simon's right (our left). He doesn't make my heart go pitter pat anymore. I just laugh at myself. That is yet another sign of growing up I think!

I found the picture of John Taylor here.

The rest of the images were found at www.weheartit.com

Friday, August 20, 2010


I can only tell you what it feels like, and right now there's a steel knife in my windpipe. I can't breathe.

If those words sound familiar it is because I borrowed them. Or stole them. Or copied them. Maybe I plagiarized them. I don't know. Ask Purple Cow. She wrote a blog all about this and seems to have a handle on it. I want to get back to the topic at hand. Oh yeah, I borrowed them from Marshall Mathers. It is the opener from his song I LOVE THE WAY YOU LIE. Which is about abuse. Well that is appropriate for this blog. Moving on...

I wrote this blog on Wednesday. It was about my first day of school at Wilson Junior High School. I also wrote this blog a while back to help you gain some understanding, if you want further understanding, of all the things spiralling out in my life and making me feel like crap back then.

I have spent two days trying to get a handle on why my junior high school experience was worse than other people's experience. I have decided that it was not worse than everyone's experience, obviously. Wilson was just the worst junior high school in my town. There were two other junior high schools that didn't spit out kids who felt like they walked through a war zone. Why? All of those kids were, more or less, living at the same socio-economic level. In other words, they were more the same than they were different. It was only at Wilson that they took kids from the bottom of the food chain and kids from the top and threw them together. It was like expecting community fish and piranhas to live in harmony. Ha.

I think I mentioned that I wrote several blogs about junior high on facebook and got this unexpected backlash of comments and emails. It turns out that it was torturous for everyone that went to Wilson. The kids from Lincoln and Roosevelt were like, "Whatever. It kinda sucked." The Wilson kids aka adults read that, got drunk, and sent me crying emails. So, no, this horrible, miserable, three years were not just mine. The pain was spread around. However, I can't own other people's pain, and I don't know how it affected their futures. I can only speak for me.

So, Robin, what did Wilson do to you?

1) It gave me a certainty that I would never be enough. I would never have enough. I would never be able to keep up. Even if I saved and saved for the right brand of jeans to fit in, as soon as I bought them, they would go out, and I would be wrong again. Or they wouldn't matter because my shirt would be all wrong. Or my shoes. Or my coat. Or my hairstyle. It didn't really matter, because there was nothing I could do to ever be enough. I was all wrong and I couldn't change it, fix it, or accept it.

2) As a non-person at Wilson, that also makes you unpretty. Your wrong clothes with your wrong haircut combined with the glasses you have to wear... that all adds up to unpretty. Even when you get contacts, the unpretty feeling remains. Once unpretty, always unpretty.

3) You are not good at anything athletic. This is because you are small and unpopular. You are unpopular because of #1 and #2. You are small because you are small boned and naturally a small person. The super athletes at this school are not going to give you a chance to see if you can play any actual sports. Instead, they will knock you down to get to the ball. You get knocked down enough times, you are smart enough to step aside and let them play your position and theirs. The gym teacher never once calls them out for this behavior, because he thinks that you can't play sports either. This is confirmed by being picked at the end or near the end for teams. In the beginning, there was this thought that ran in my head, "If they only knew I am a gymnast and I can out play their ass if they would let me." That thought lasted until I picked myself up off the ground the fourth or fifth time. Then it became, "I suck at sports." Don't ask me to play sports, because I really do suck at sports now. I hate effin sports.

4) Fear. I learned all about fear at Wilson. Unfortunately, I didn't learn what to do with it. I worked on my invisibility skills without a lot of success. There was this one girl who I thought was just bullying me. Turns out it was her mission to terrorize as many people as possible. (That was one of the things I found out on facebook.) It was daily. Pokes and jabs. Small things. The irony is that I never saw them coming until they hit their mark. How do some people do that? Her best ones were always when I thought she would overlook me that day. Or when I thought I was in a safe zone like class.

We were in Home Ec. In hindsight, I should have taken Shop. Careerwise, it would have served me better. It was the cooking day. We had made our Whatever. It was all up at the front and there was a line. I already had mine and was sitting at my table. Kellie (yeah that's her real name), my tormentor, was walking back to her table with food and drink and decided to stop right behind me. Not good news. I only knew she was there because she started talking to me. She was holding her cup of red juice over my head. She says, "I could pour this whole cup of juice over your head and nobody would care." She gives that a long pause to let it sink in. The nobody would care part and the fact that she's contemplating such an act. The cup is still dangling over my head. "You're no one in this school." She let that sink in. Cup still dangling. "I could say I slipped. No one would question me." Finally someone came back to my table and she moved on. She and her cup of red juice. And I said nothing. Not to her. Not to anyone at my table. Maybe not to anyone. Well, probably to my neighbor, Robin, who got to hear about each and every horror that I lived through at Wilson. Not sure anyone else. Well, all of you who are reading this.

It probably wasn't long after that I read THE OUTSIDERS and it changed everything for me. And I wrote about that in this blog. Matter of fact, on my trip to the library today I checked out that book again. I haven't read it since I was a teenager and I wanted to see if it would read the same now. Probably not quite.

Wilson. The place I lost my voice. The place that a whole lot of people needed to be told to fuck off (pardon my language, but there really is no nice way to say it). I wish that I had seen PRETTY IN PINK sooner. Of course, that was impossible, because it hadn't been made yet. However, there was my answer to problem #1. If you can't keep with The Jones's you don't try. You think about this problem and decide on YOUR STYLE and then you create it. It might mean you spend some time in Goodwill and places like that, but you get creative.

My point is this: I thought I kicked that negative tape loop when I went to high school, because I loved high school, and I have an awesome Kellie story (later gators). BUT... somewhere in my head that tape loop is still running. Or it was. Or it can. When I feel under pressure or something makes me feel like I am back at Wilson for some reason, that switch gets flipped. I need to burn that tape once and for all.

and before I make any more copyright infringment mistakes....
all images found at www.weheartit.com