FEELING WICKED

This is going to be one of my last posts for a while that is me choosing the subject matter. Of course, I do have this knack of inserting my variation of what is on my mind into themed subject matter. Ah well. I suppose we all have our vices. Ironically, today I really don't have any one thing that is scratching around in my mind desperate to get out. I will admit that I have gotten lax about reading my Lucy March posts daily like I was. For those of you wondering about that one, I found Lucy March's website and was going to treat it like all new websites I find. Start where you are. Turns out that was impossible. So... I had to go back to the beginning of when she started blogging (turns out it was Jan. 2010) and began reading about four posts at a time. That was all my mind could take in at one sitting. It inspired me to do some internal cleansing of my own. Cleaning your emotional or mental house, I suppose. I am still not done. I have a feeling that this 30 day letter thing will unearth some more of that. It is why I took it on.

If you are scratching your head on the 30 day letter thing, I will post links on all of this stuff. I forget that I am constantly getting new people or old readers who have lives and don't read my blog daily. What? You don't find me fascinating and hang on my every word? Well, the world just stopped spinning. I can definitely see the need for those links.


Lucy (yes, Lucy March)... I hope that you are back for this Purple Cow... she isn't a big Lucy March fan. I think she's jealous. Anywhoozle. Nah, can't leave it there. Seriously, Purple Cow, if you would read her blog, I think you would like her. To be fair, I think all of my followers should read Purple Cow's blog, too. She is on vacation right now (or was), but she is a fairly regular blogger. She is very smart. That scares some people. I just tell her I don't know what in the crap she is talking about. But then she says that about my writing, too. But she keeps reading it. So, there you go. I'll post a link to both blogs. Problem solved.

Back to Lucy (my mind is so easily diverted that it is scary)... she made this list of 50 things that she liked. I can't remember why she did it. I know it was because someone that she admired did it. At the time, I was thinking "50 Things, Holy Crap, I could never think of 50 things. I have a hard time coming up with ten." And that is exactly why I need to think of 50 things. 50 things are really not that many things. I am a huge believer of positive thoughts building on positive thoughts, and negative thoughts building on negative thoughts.

In fact, one of the blogs that I just started following, Destination Unknown, written by Nicole, dedicated an entire post to visualization. That is something that I believe in with my whole heart and soul. Have I written a post on visualization? No. Why not? I don't know. But you believe in it with your whole heart and soul. I know, I just said that. Then why isn't there a post about it? I DON'T FREAKING KNOW. Have I ever mentioned that I talk to myself? The conversations go a lot like that. I will post a link to her blog, too, on visualization.


One of the ways to build on positive thoughts is to focus on the things that you like. The more you focus on the things that you like, the more that other things that you like will come to you, and it builds on top of itself. The same holds true for negative thoughts. However, before we start this list, I have to share this with you because it is so funny. Have you noticed the stats link on your dashboard? It is riveting with all of the information it provides. However, none of it is more hilarious than the keywords people have entered into a search engine to find your blog. Here are the funniest words people have entered into search engines to find mine:

beanie baby collecting freak

had sex in the car wash

here's to you, for grammar

blogspot your daily gay dose

dream meaning-i was on fire had to stop drop and roll

ill have a vodka, valium, saying

marshall mathers overdose

password for your southern belle

carlos ricardo manoso aka ranger

daily hot word

i am not afraid

breaking up love

catching cab in st. maarten



Doesn't that make you think and rethink what you put in your tag line at the bottom of your post? It makes me think I want to get really creative with it now. Who knows what might show up in my stats if I go for it with gusto? I haven't really been trying before now. Who knows what would happen if I gave it my full creative attention? I am feeling just a little bit wicked. That would be a great word for the tag. Wicked. I am writing it right now. It made me happy.

Okay, now moving on to 50 things I like:

1. Apparently feeling wicked.


2. A soft mattress and clean sheets.

3. Really great sex. Hey, I am being honest. That means multiple O's for those of who don't know what really great sex is. Oh, and a guy who knows how to kiss. Man, there is nothing better than a great kisser. If he can't kiss, there are no great O's in my future.

4. Sandals.

5. A really good book, TV show, or movie. Something with a great story It can be happy, sad, or both. It just has to be written well.

6. A fantastic haircut.

7. Clothes that you know you look hot in.

8. Singing a song at the karaoke bar and nailing it.

9. Theatre: feeling the character in the audition, becoming the character during the rehearsal, being the character during the performances. In live theatre, you know when you have them and when you don't. There is nothing more gratifying then knowing subliminally they are yours. And you are the character. Robin is gone and Whoever has taken her place and you really are that person.


10. My dog. She is always honest. Dogs just love you. They don't have to think about it or put conditions on it. They just love you. So refreshing. (Note: this is not me or my dog.)

11. Paying your bills online.

12. Television on DVD.

13. Cell phones.

14. Youtube.

15. Facebook.

16. The Outsiders by S.E. Hinton.

17. The Breakfast Club (that would be a movie ::she shudders::).

18. Camp Cherith.

19. Robin, my next door neighbor growing up.

20. My current doctors.

21. C-Man and H-Girl.

22. Watching the ocean.

23. Pink and Purple. Together or Separately.

24. Music.

25. Painting. Not the arty kind, but painting rooms in a house. But I've only done it in MY house. So, I am not sure that it extends to general painting or just the satisfaction of painting my own home.

26. Writing. This blog and my novel. Though my novel is riding in the backseat right now.

27. Playing board and card games.

28. Fall and Winter in the south.


29. Leaves when they change colors (I know that sounds like 28, but leaves change color in the north, too.)

30. Christmas.

31. Corduroy. I have a jacket that I love in brown that I have almost lost too many times. And a pair of maroon pants that probably don't fit anymore since I have lost all this weight. (all this weight being like 10 lbs. That would be a pants size, folks)

32. Pictures. I love looking at pictures dating back to when my grandparents were kids.

33. Air conditioning. I hate being hot.

34. Hot tub. I would love to have one in my house. (I know this sounds off after the hating to be hot statement. But, it soothes my aching muscles and joints caused by the fibromyalgia pain. After I get out, I lie underneath a ceiling fan. It works for me.)

35. Fleecy blankets.

36. The smell of vanilla.

37. The smell of puppy breath.

38. The salmon salad at Longhorn Steakhouse. Yum.

39. TLC's show WHAT NOT TO WEAR. Man, that has been a learning experience.

40. People who are honest without being mean.

41. Moisturizer.

42. Illusions by Richard Bach.

43. Michael J. Fox for not allowing his disease to define him, but boldly stepping into the spotlight to show people how far we still have to go in order to really help people. You are inspirational.

44. All of the amazing comments I get from YOU each day. Sometimes those comments are the BEST part of my day. Other times they are just icing on the cake. Either way, you took time out of your day to read what I had to say and then more time to formulate a thoughtful comment. It means a lot. A lot isn't strong enough. If no one has told you today that you are amazing, I am telling you now. You are amazing.


45. I like shoes. I have lots of shoes. I need to get rid of some shoes. I am surrounded by shoes. Nuff said.

46. In the same vein, I have clothes. I need to get rid of some clothes. The problem with this is that I don't know what size I will be wearing next month. Or the month after that. So, I guess that means I need to box clothes into crates by size and season. And just get rid of the stuff I just don't wear. I have this Halloween shirt that I like that says "Spooky" on it. I like it. I know it really isn't "my color." It's in an olive green. My mother took one look at me in that shirt the other day and said, "That color looks terrible on you." Hmmmm. I suppose that it should be put in the To Go pile. I knew it wasn't my best color. But I already ditched my favorite Halloween shirt because I thought I would never be a small again. Guess who will be at Target looking for new Halloween shirts? We pronounce that Tarshay around here to class it up a bit.

47. I like cutesy underwear. I still prefer cotton because it breathes. But the plain colors bore me. Give me something with a pattern, if you please. Oh, and those Hanes no ride-up underwear really don't ride up, if you wanted to know. Was that TMI? I am down to the nitty gritty here....

48. I like my soaps. I always have. I am an addict. I think the appeal is in the longevity of the show. Well, that is the appeal now. When you have been watching something for 20 years you are invested. You may find this hard to believe, but I learned a lot of valuable lessons from soaps. Don't lie. (It always comes back around to bite you in the end.) Don't cheat. (It always comes back around to bite you in the end.) He who lives by the sword will die by the sword. (If you live dangerously, chances are good your life will end bloody.) Time is too short to waste on being angry with someone you truly love. (Things happen and people die and you might not get to tell them how you actually feel. That is a hard pill to swallow.) See what I mean? In between everything else, there are some good lessons.

49. I like people who have nice teeth and who don't touch their face all of the time. I know that is odd. I don't know what to say about the whole thing with the teeth. I just know it is true. In truth, when someone is touching the face all of the time, it is likely a nervous habit, but it makes me crazy. I just want to grab their hand or hands and hold them in place.

50. I like people who go against the grain. What does that mean? I am so glad you asked. Turn off your music player at the bottom of the page. This little recording takes two minutes to explain it better than I ever could.




51. This isn't a like, but more of a wish. I wish that Marshall Mathers smiled more. I am one of the recently converted and I am really impressed with all that he went through in his life. He has this strong inner core. Most people wouldn't have made it; he did. I know that a lot of crap has blown his way in his personal life. A lot of crap has blown his way professionally, too. But, he still is shining. Despite all of it, he is still shining, so I wished that all of that inner sunshine came through just a little bit more on the outside. I know that you're a rapper. You have an image. You're also a human being and smiling makes a person feel better. Try it out. You just might like it. I mean all rough and tough is sexy. I grant you that much. But smiling is sexy, too. You just gotta trust me on that one.

See, we got the message and it has stuck. Now, you can smile to show that you came out on the other side. Unless your teeth are nasty. Then, it would be best to keep your mouth closed until you spent that hard earned money on a good orthodontist. Then you could smile. That would be so hot.

all images found at www.weheartit.com

WHERE IS THE OFF SWITCH?

Okay, this is my last post about high school in terms of me and my therapy. Yeah, I am still doing my internal work that led to my bad decision making later in life.

If you will recall, I mentioned three junior high schools: Wilson, Lincoln, and Roosevelt. Well... my mom and I went round and round about this before I wrote that blog. I kept saying to her that there were four junior high schools, but I couldn't think of the name of the fourth. She couldn't either and she knew the locations of the above three.

She says to me, "If there was a fourth, where was it?"

This was not a fair question. I didn't know where Lincoln and Roosevelt were located. I still don't. Let me put this into perspective for you. After I got my first car, I did minimal driving. I drove from my house to school and back. I could drive to my various friends' houses. However, one night at the dinner table, I said this, "I don't know what I am going to do tomorrow. After school I have to go to Somewhere (on the other side of town) and run some errands and then I have to go back to the high school for play practice (or some sort of practice, I don't remember)." My brother laughed out loud. He was four years younger than me and could easily do this. My parents looked at me like I had grown an extra nose on my face.

Finally, my mother says, "You are kidding, right?"

I say that I am not and they go over the route with me. The only way I knew how to get to school was from MY house. I was having to come at it from another direction and I was clueless. Yeah, this dysfunction created a lot of problems for me for a long time. In other words, I spent a lot of time being lost. It took about ten years for the concept of north, south, east, and west, to actually stop being conceptual and actually be REAL. Once that happened, driving got a lot easier. Yeah, I know. Sometimes book smart and street smart are two really different things. One other thing I learned. Being lost isn't always all bad. You can find shortcuts. Moving on...

I thought of the fourth junior high: Kennedy. I have no idea where it was located, in case you were wondering.


Anyway, our high school was huge. My graduating class was huge. The best thing about the merger of all of these junior highs was that they filled in that socio-economic gap that we had at Wilson. It no longer existed. When that happened, all of the rules changed. In fact, the kids on the hill didn't feel quite so entitled anymore. They were outnumbered here. So, the things that brought people together changed. Of course, people that grew up together and had been best friends stuck. However, a lot of new friendships formed based upon mutual interests. For instance, people who played sports could actually become friends in this environment. At Wilson, that wasn't really possible if one person lived on the hill and the other person didn't. Now, it was. Like I said, the rules changed.


As for me, my friends became 1) choir people 2) theatre people 3) smart people. Yep, I was taking all enriched classes for college, so I had a lot of classes with the same people all day. Guess what? A lot of those people were kids from the hill at Wilson. However, the switch had flipped. Why? Because I was one of the smart people. The rules had changed. Our class had about 300 people in it. I graduated #23 with a 4.0 GPA. I actually got invited up to the hill to study with some of these people who previously wouldn't talk to me. We become pseudo-friends. Study buddies. You know geek stuff. Same went with choir and theatre. Although that was more fun and the friendships were more real. In any event, all the disdain and disrespect that flew at Wilson evaporated at Newark High School. I don't know if it was like that for everyone. But that was what it was like for me.

So, Robin, if life was so freaking awesome in high school where is the therapy coming in? Well, it is that darn tape loop from Wilson that would still play in the back of my head. I didn't understand about tape loops then. I sure didn't know how to turn one off. So, it didn't matter how good things were going, there was always a lingering feeling of doom.


1)You're not enough. You'll never be enough.

That one liked to kick in when things were going really well. Things would go good and that tape would start to play. Suddenly, that urge to look over my shoulder. Check and double check. Just an ick feeling. Something bad is going to happen today.

2) Unpretty.

Boy, that one was completely unshakable. I was an expert at self sabotage. Anytime I thought someone would ask me out, I managed to make that not happen. And if it did. After we were going out for a couple of weeks, the feeling of insecurity ran so deep, that I would break up with the guy. I am too busy with music, theatre, etc. No time for you. Adios. Heaven forbid someone actually make me feel good about myself and pull that tape out of my loop.

3) I am not good at sports.

We only had gym sophomore year. Maybe just one semester. It is funny because I just don't really much remember it. By this time, I really wasn't good at sports. My brain had won this battle. And I read most of the time, etc. I was out of shape. I truly no longer was good at sports. However, this must not have been as traumatic as Wilson, b/c I hardly remember it.

As I said, I was really involved in theatre. I know that I wrote a blog about when Mrs. Booher took over the theatre department. That was this huge blessing for me. We always did a musical in the fall and a straight play in the spring. My junior year we did OKLAHOMA. That was fun. I didn't have any sort of big role. The seniors got those. However, it was fun being in the chorus. I auditioned for the straight play, expecting the same. It was UP THE DOWN STAIRCASE. I hoped to maybe get the role of a student. I actually got a pretty big part. Not the lead, but the other teacher, Bea. I was shocked.



My senior year, the musical was L'IL ABNER and I got the role of Mammy Yokum. That has to be one of the best parts ever. I still have the corn cob pipe. That character was a hoot to play. In the spring, the straight play was ARSENIC AND OLD LACE. There are only three female roles in that play and two of them are the old ladies who keep killing people off with arsenic. It is a comedy, for the record. Had I not just played an old person in L'IL ABNER, I would have been totally jazzed about that. As it was, I was meh. My unpretty tape loop kicked in. The thing is that I was also in Acting Ensemble, and we were putting on shows, and I wasn't playing old people there, and I should have sucked it up. However, my unpretty tape loop was playing.


The worst thing in the world happened. Mrs. Booher asked me what part I wanted to play in ARSENIC AND OLD LACE. She asked me what part I wanted to play. Me and my unpretty tape loop. And I told her Elaine. That was the smallest female part in the entire play. However, she was young blah blah blah. And that is how she cast me! And that wouldn't have been so bad if one of the actresses playing one of the old ladies hadn't sucked lemons. I mean she just couldn't act. Mrs. Booher worked with what she had. She cast a plump girl and a thin girl to play those parts. The plump one was good. The thin one was not. My best friend's brother came to see the play, probably because he had some friends in it, and he actually said to Jennifer, that it was a relief every time I came on stage because that is the only time that play didn't suck. Keep in mind, her brother didn't like me. He found me annoying. So that really was a compliment!


I know that Mrs. Booher had to have regretted asking me what part I wanted once rehearsals began and she saw that this girl couldn't carry her weight in the role. I know that I regret it now. In fact, I have regretted it for years. It never occurred to me that in high school and college would be the only time I would get to play old people until I was actually old. It was a gift. An acting gift. I was so blinded by my unpretty tape loop I couldn't even see it. I wish that she had dragged me into her office and explained to me what a gift it was. Or cast me in the part I was meant to play because it was the right thing for the show. And then say it just like that if I asked why I didn't get the part of Elaine. I feel certain that she asked me what part I wanted to play because she respected me as an actor, and she wanted to give me the gift of a choice. How many high school directors do that for their kids? Not many, I am thinking. I love her for it, but I wish she'd just cast me in one of the lead roles, because high school kids don't have a clue as to what they are doing. Besides, how do you explain you want a small part because you feel unpretty?

Don't forget to turn off my music player at the bottom.