I don't normally post twice in one day, because my posts aren't short. Christine over at A Deliberate Life just posted "And This Will Make Me Happy!" Her post was related to food. Food = Comfort and if we eat it we will feel better. That feeling better is temporary. Of course, it is. Logically, anyone knows that. I don't have a weight issue. So, what is giving me heartburn about this post? Isn't it awful when we discover things about ourselves that we don't like? We like to sugarcoat them in things that sound good. Rationalization.
*I got an email from Flash's myspace account a couple of weeks ago that I thought was from Flash, but appeared to be from his wife or significant other, or wife, or whoever saying that it was over. I posted about this. I expressed no shock. I didn't post that it gave my heart a little extra dose of happy. That isn't nice. Who revels in someone else's misery? So what that he caused me tons of misery? So what that he set back my recovery years? That is NOT taking the moral high ground. "And this will make me feel happy...."
*I know this might seem odd, but I became friends with the girl that Flash cheated on me with back in the day. It sort of became a necessity. We talked all of the time. It was a constant comparison of notes. Sharing of evidence. We talked daily for months. Yeah, it takes a long time to pin a cheater to the wall. It turns out that she and I had a lot in common. More than Flash and I, as it turns out. Life is a weird thing. After the whole thing with Flash was said and done we missed talking to each other. Like I said, life is a strange beast. So, we still talked. "And this will make me feel happy..."
*Turns out that she cheated on her husband to be with Flash. Yeah, she paid a lot for that indiscretion. And it caused a lot of pain in her household. Her husband is an alcoholic and the fallout just kept falling. Eventually, her marriage went all to hell. It got really ugly. We stopped talking. He couldn't understand our connection surpassed Flash. All he could see was the reminder of an affair and it was rubbing his nose in it. So, I wished her well and let go. I didn't think that they would make it. I hoped, but wasn't at all convinced. Maybe not talking to me. "And this will make me feel happy..."
*Yesterday I get a friend request from her on facebook and she is good. Great. Even. Turns out that she and the husband are back together. They were separated and divorcing when last we spoke. It appears that they turned it around. She sent me a message. She made no mention of their problems in the email she sent me. So, I don't know if they fixed them or glossed them over. I know that they moved and started a new business. I also know that she found me by contacting Flash because she couldn't remember my last name. WTH? "And maybe this will make me feel happy..."
*I didn't respond yet to her email because I have no idea what to say. I pride myself on forgiveness. Seriously. I talk and talk and talk about it. I really thought I had gotten there with Flash. However, the idea that SHE couldn't remember my name when WE had a more substantial relationship than she and he ever did and she FORGOT my last name, but remembered his galls me. She had to contact him to contact me. And her husband is suddenly okay with it? WTH? It is not that I don't want her to forgive him because not forgiving sucks your soul. I don't even know what I am saying. I guess I would have liked contacting him to be more distasteful. "And then I'll be happy..."
*And that brought me full circle to wondering if he had created a facebook page. Oh yeah, I had to go there. Sure enough. He did. And nothing is private. It is all out there. Apparently, he and the girl are still together. The question of their marriage is still a question. Not surprising. The fact that he would lie about it on myspace not surprising. Lying about anything doesn't shock me. The only honest thing he says is in his About Me where he opens with saying that he is "defective." He nails that. Of course, there is a lot of quoting of Bible verse to lead the unsuspecting astray. And then he makes a comment on his father's comment of, "I LOVE MY DADDY." This is the same man who cheated on his mother for years, leaving her for a much younger woman when she quit her job, and lost her health insurance. She is now an alcoholic. The man doesn't have an admirable bone in his body. I heard not one kind thing about the man the entire time we were together. And rightly so. I guess when it comes down to the pot and the kettle, what are you going to do? "And then I'll be happy...."
*Now, that we have covered Flash, his philandering father, his alcoholic mother, and the other woman, it all comes back to me. When will I be happy? I have already told myself that he was just the teacher of a lesson. I believe that. If if hadn't been him, it would have been someone else. I signed up for the lesson. Liars and cheaters and lie and cheat. That is what they do. I think of the story of the boy who picked up the baby snake and put it in his pocket. When he pulls it out, it bites him. He gets angry with the snake. There is no point in that. It is in the nature of the snake to bite. The lesson is to stop putting it in your pocket. I know that I can stop visiting Flash's internet sites. I have stayed off them for years at a time. That makes me happy. Not knowing what he is doing makes me happy.
*I suppose the Catch 22 here is, "Can I re-establish a relationship with the other woman without having Flash right there in my subconscious mind and disrupting my life? Or, more importantly, is this rolling around to remind me that I don't have this handle on forgiveness that I thought I had? I forgave her a long time ago. She didn't owe me anything. She hadn't made any made any commitments to me. In fact, I wasn't anything to her when she and Flash did their thing, but Flash was a different story. Right now, the idea of Flash's house getting egged is really funny to me. Or TP'd. Especially if it is by every woman he has screwed over. Or maybe finding someone that he really loves and having them do to him what he has done to other people. I don't think that is the definition of forgiveness. So, that means I have some work to do in the forgiveness department. Dammit. I would really rather just throw rotten tomatoes at his house and be done with it. Because "and then I'll be happy...."
lol...remember how nobly I forgave my stepfather..and had even contemplated benevolently bestowing upon him my gracious friendship and kind acceptence...
ReplyDeleteYeah.
Sometimes we are too precious for our own good.
this chick and you had one thing in common. You both slept with the same dude..and whether she owed you anything or not, she still messed around with a dude ina relationship. Then she screwed around on her husband. she doesn't sound like good friend material, relationship material or quite frankly, good people material.
serial skank would be a more apt description. It's best to leave said skank in the dustbin of history. Come up with a good excuse..you know like the fact that yuo have serial migraines and are trying to get an important project off the ground and just don't have time to scrape your brain free from crud every two or three weeks...but thanks for thinking of you. lol.
signed
Robin whatevermylastnameisyoustupidskank
Life can be tough like that....always realizing something...always something to learn even when we least expect it, especially when we don't want to learn the lesson. You'll be fine.
ReplyDeleteC
Forgiveness, for me, is letting go of the emotional attachment to a negative person. And, it has always been a process, with each round of remembering becoming a little less painful, until, at last, it just doesn't matter. As long as we are still hurt, angry, saddened by what someone else did, it gives them power over our lives. Release yourself from his grip, Robin. He doesn't deserve you.
ReplyDeleteI can't put it any better than Sharon above has. I'm one of those people who just won't wander back into the past...it's a rule of mine...stick to the present and your hopes for the future. I try and 'bury' stuff from the past especially if it comes with negativity.
ReplyDeletePeople are strange aren't they? I can't imagine how someone that close can forget your name...well I forget alot of things now but not something that significant. Hmmm. I'm with Sharon...move on. he doesn't deserve you.
I came over to thank you for your great comment on my post...now I think I understand more about needing a 'mute' button. :)
Sharon~ I think that you are right. It is freedom so that it doesn't matter. In the light of day, I know that he is not the one I am mad at here.
ReplyDeleteCarol ~ As always, you are making valid points. Just have to open my heart to them.
Christine ~ You looked right through that and saw that I wasn't really mad about Flash, but I was pissed about HER. I haven't been mad about Flash for a LONG time. The only thing that has changed is her and her friend request. Then she says she contacted HIM to get my name. That temporally threw me back into wondering how his life was working out, but bottom line: I don't care. She is the one wanting to open lines of communication with me. And I was actually okay with it until she threw that bit in there about not remembering my name and contacting him. And then she says that they have sent "hello" messages back and forth. Well, my head hit the ceiling. That disaster nearly destroyed her marriage. Her husband got seriously violent as an alchoholic. I was worried for her safety as a person. And she and Flash are sending "hello" messages???? However, now things are great. Brand new house (there are pics), new business, new life. yippee. Meanwhile, on Flash's page, the world has gone crazy, too. He and his father are now in a loving relationship. He and the girl sending kissy messages. It appears the only person who is still experiencing fallout and doesn't have the PERFECT FREAKING LIFE is me. The NON-CHEATER. Do I expect things to come up roses for Flash? Yes. He is like my ex-husband. That is just how it works. If my ex ever played the lottery, he would win. That is just how lucky the man is. Goes to show that luck is not DESERVED. It is just luck. Flash is the same way. So, talking to HER just stirs it all up.