I don't normally post twice in one day, because my posts aren't short. Christine over at A Deliberate Life just posted "And This Will Make Me Happy!" Her post was related to food. Food = Comfort and if we eat it we will feel better. That feeling better is temporary. Of course, it is. Logically, anyone knows that. I don't have a weight issue. So, what is giving me heartburn about this post? Isn't it awful when we discover things about ourselves that we don't like? We like to sugarcoat them in things that sound good. Rationalization.
*I got an email from Flash's myspace account a couple of weeks ago that I thought was from Flash, but appeared to be from his wife or significant other, or wife, or whoever saying that it was over. I posted about this. I expressed no shock. I didn't post that it gave my heart a little extra dose of happy. That isn't nice. Who revels in someone else's misery? So what that he caused me tons of misery? So what that he set back my recovery years? That is NOT taking the moral high ground. "And this will make me feel happy...."
*I know this might seem odd, but I became friends with the girl that Flash cheated on me with back in the day. It sort of became a necessity. We talked all of the time. It was a constant comparison of notes. Sharing of evidence. We talked daily for months. Yeah, it takes a long time to pin a cheater to the wall. It turns out that she and I had a lot in common. More than Flash and I, as it turns out. Life is a weird thing. After the whole thing with Flash was said and done we missed talking to each other. Like I said, life is a strange beast. So, we still talked. "And this will make me feel happy..."
*Turns out that she cheated on her husband to be with Flash. Yeah, she paid a lot for that indiscretion. And it caused a lot of pain in her household. Her husband is an alcoholic and the fallout just kept falling. Eventually, her marriage went all to hell. It got really ugly. We stopped talking. He couldn't understand our connection surpassed Flash. All he could see was the reminder of an affair and it was rubbing his nose in it. So, I wished her well and let go. I didn't think that they would make it. I hoped, but wasn't at all convinced. Maybe not talking to me. "And this will make me feel happy..."
*Yesterday I get a friend request from her on facebook and she is good. Great. Even. Turns out that she and the husband are back together. They were separated and divorcing when last we spoke. It appears that they turned it around. She sent me a message. She made no mention of their problems in the email she sent me. So, I don't know if they fixed them or glossed them over. I know that they moved and started a new business. I also know that she found me by contacting Flash because she couldn't remember my last name. WTH? "And maybe this will make me feel happy..."
*I didn't respond yet to her email because I have no idea what to say. I pride myself on forgiveness. Seriously. I talk and talk and talk about it. I really thought I had gotten there with Flash. However, the idea that SHE couldn't remember my name when WE had a more substantial relationship than she and he ever did and she FORGOT my last name, but remembered his galls me. She had to contact him to contact me. And her husband is suddenly okay with it? WTH? It is not that I don't want her to forgive him because not forgiving sucks your soul. I don't even know what I am saying. I guess I would have liked contacting him to be more distasteful. "And then I'll be happy..."
*And that brought me full circle to wondering if he had created a facebook page. Oh yeah, I had to go there. Sure enough. He did. And nothing is private. It is all out there. Apparently, he and the girl are still together. The question of their marriage is still a question. Not surprising. The fact that he would lie about it on myspace not surprising. Lying about anything doesn't shock me. The only honest thing he says is in his About Me where he opens with saying that he is "defective." He nails that. Of course, there is a lot of quoting of Bible verse to lead the unsuspecting astray. And then he makes a comment on his father's comment of, "I LOVE MY DADDY." This is the same man who cheated on his mother for years, leaving her for a much younger woman when she quit her job, and lost her health insurance. She is now an alcoholic. The man doesn't have an admirable bone in his body. I heard not one kind thing about the man the entire time we were together. And rightly so. I guess when it comes down to the pot and the kettle, what are you going to do? "And then I'll be happy...."
*Now, that we have covered Flash, his philandering father, his alcoholic mother, and the other woman, it all comes back to me. When will I be happy? I have already told myself that he was just the teacher of a lesson. I believe that. If if hadn't been him, it would have been someone else. I signed up for the lesson. Liars and cheaters and lie and cheat. That is what they do. I think of the story of the boy who picked up the baby snake and put it in his pocket. When he pulls it out, it bites him. He gets angry with the snake. There is no point in that. It is in the nature of the snake to bite. The lesson is to stop putting it in your pocket. I know that I can stop visiting Flash's internet sites. I have stayed off them for years at a time. That makes me happy. Not knowing what he is doing makes me happy.
*I suppose the Catch 22 here is, "Can I re-establish a relationship with the other woman without having Flash right there in my subconscious mind and disrupting my life? Or, more importantly, is this rolling around to remind me that I don't have this handle on forgiveness that I thought I had? I forgave her a long time ago. She didn't owe me anything. She hadn't made any made any commitments to me. In fact, I wasn't anything to her when she and Flash did their thing, but Flash was a different story. Right now, the idea of Flash's house getting egged is really funny to me. Or TP'd. Especially if it is by every woman he has screwed over. Or maybe finding someone that he really loves and having them do to him what he has done to other people. I don't think that is the definition of forgiveness. So, that means I have some work to do in the forgiveness department. Dammit. I would really rather just throw rotten tomatoes at his house and be done with it. Because "and then I'll be happy...."
