B IS FOR BOUNDARIES AND BULLETS

That sounds a bit scary doesn't it? Well, I was just going to go off with a bullet point style, since this is Candance's bullet point Wednesday, and I could get used to the format. However, just before I decided to post my blog a new blog came up on my dashboard. I had to read it. Red Shoes received an award. Turns out he was bestowing, too. I got dazzled with the magic wand. Before I move along, part of the requirement of the award is to reverse dazzle the person who gave you the award. Red Shoes is one of my favorite bloggers. I have to admit you don't know quite what you will get when you visit. He has admitted to having this dual personality. One is this deep, spiritual side, and the other is this X-Rated humor that is off the charts. I think that we all have this release valve when our Pressure Switch gets too high, and that is how he lets his go. He is now calling it Dark Shoes. In any case, the man is very sensitive, in spite of his warped sense of humor. In the south we would follow that up with, "Bless his heart." Love ya Shoes!

I have other awards still sitting in my notebook waiting for distribution. Yeah, that has worked out great, eh? I thought that maybe I should just throw it out there with this post. It is the typical seven things and seven people. My challenge will be roping my topic matter into seven bullet points. Oh yeah, they are supposed to be seven things that people don't know about you. I suppose that they are looking for diversity. For the sake of sticking with my theme, they are all going to fit into my bullet points. Yeah, cause that is how I roll here. It could be worse. That award could be sitting in my notebook, along with about five others collecting dust. I think this system is better.



*I didn't know that I had no idea how to set boundaries until after I lost myself. That is not a a great time to figure that crap out. It was when I was married and I was slipping away. My ability to say "NO" to anything was over. That is something that anyone who knew me would never have believed, because I have a strong personality. However, my then husband was/is also a very strong personality and when he wanted something he kept at a person until he got it. It didn't matter if what he wanted was financially debilitating to the marriage, causing health problems for me, creating issues for his kids, etc. If he wanted it, he wanted it. So he verbally pounded away until he got the "Yes" that it was okay to do what he wanted. Okay to drain the savings. Okay to play all weekend with his friends. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Saying "No" only forced him to amp up his argument, and that amped up my migraine. Ultimately, the pain of the migraine was so bad that I would have paid him just to leave me alone. He learned that he could get whatever he wanted if he came out "swinging" loudly enough.

*When you're married to someone, they get to know you. For better or worse. Whether you want them to or not. They know your buttons. They know what your heart is invested in. My ex knew that my heart was invested in his kids. He knew I gave up my health to save his kids. They were a wreck because his ex-wife didn't understand anything about boundaries (see bullet #3). So, after the divorce he continued to cross boundaries by using the kids. He knew that I was hanging on by my fingernails, but he still wasn't able to manage his life, and used me to pick up his slack. I still didn't have the fortitude to set boundaries of my own. So, when he called at 2:30pm to ask me to pick the kids up at school because he didn't have a plan... I would get mad, but I would do it. This didn't happen once a month. This happened several times a week. I should have been working. Instead, I was in a dark room, barely able to keep food down, and I was dragging my sorry butt out of bed, to drive across town to pick kids up at school. Then I drove further across town to drop them off at his mother's house. Then I drove home. It took over an hour. It was exhausting. If I felt that good, I would have been working. When I said I was really too sick, he said, "What are they going to do? Stand outside all by themselves? They are 7 and 8?" Now, it is my fault they are standing outside alone. He has passed the buck to me. He didn't make a plan. If I don't pick up the slack, then them standing outside becomes my fault. Egads. But, I got in the car. So, it worked. Buttons. Your ex knows your buttons. It takes a great deal of fortitude to not respond when they press them. Especially when you can see through the sh*t to know that they have crossed right over the boundaries into a place where they don't belong. Yeah, that is the time to start giving it straight through the middle finger. Know your boundaries.

*Ah. The ex-wife was in an abusive relationship after she left my ex-husband. Physically abusive and probably all the other kinds, too. C-Man and H-Girl saw all of this. H-Girl more than C-Man. He had the good sense to be scared and hide in the closet. She could give you the play-by-play of who said and did what to who. In a very dead pan voice like it was nothing. Like it happened every day. Like it wasn't scary as shit. Like mommy getting hit in the face with the phone happened every Friday at 4pm. Or daddy punching mommy in the face until she fell on the floor and then he started kicking her... well, that is just par for the course in this house. Yeah. Cool place to live. I got a glimpse of the ex with her youngest kid when they came to visit. She was still with her abuser (who she was still insisting was not abuser at that time). The youngest was 2 or 3 years old. He would not respond to a single bit of instruction that she gave him. None. She would say to me, "I guess he can't hear me." I knew different. He could hear her fine. It explained a lot. C-Man and H-Girl didn't respond to much instruction when they first arrived at my house. They ran around like little savages. That lasted about three days, until I sat them down and said that things don't work like that here and laid down The Rules. The Rules didn't change. In fact, they got repeated a lot. But they never changed. H-Girl accepted them faster. C-Man accepted them eventually, but always had to push against them occasionally, just to make sure that they were still there. Boundaries. Kids need boundaries. Otherwise, it is chaos. Who is in charge? We are in charge? Aaagghhh. That must have been scary. Especially if the adults are beating the crap out of each other. Boundaries.

*I never did great with my ex on boundaries, but I was awesome with those kids. I got them into therapy right after they got here because I knew that they would need it. I thought we would need it to get custody. Turns out we didn't. She didn't even show up for court. However, my ex was never very consistent about boundaries at the house. I tried with him to be better, but he doesn't really listen. I do remember that after one session the therapist had me come in and talk to her for a few moments. She had each of them do this play exercise. She has lots of dolls or superheros. You know the characters. Anyway, she had them in individually and each pick a character to represent each of us in the family. In both cases, the kids chose figures for themselves and their dad that were all about the same size and I was the tall character. In other words, I was the one who was in charge. She told me that because she wanted me to know that there wasn't even balance of power going on as they saw it. However, there wasn't anything I could do to change it. You cannot make a person be consistent. (Talking about the ex) You cannot make a person understand boundaries and reinforce them. If you want to know who the adult in the room is, ask a kid. Just sayin'.

*I thought that I learned boundary issues with my ex-husband. Turns out that I didn't. Flash finished my crash course in boundary issues. And the pastor who helped me disassociate out of that relationship helped me to understand how to break up with someone who doesn't understand boundary issues. I will be grateful to him forever. Thank you Gary! For those of you who might need to know, the simplistic version is this: you each have a garden. When you become a couple, you end up combining and tending the other person's garden. One indicator that the relationship is not good for you is that you spend more time tending their garden, as do they, while your garden whithers. That is an excellent hint to reconsider the relationship. If you decide to take your garden back, you have to get out of their garden. When they start crying about their tomatoes, you cannot rush over and tend them. In fact, you have to ignore their emails about tomatoes, squash, etc. Also phone calls, texts, etc. In other words, their garden is now their problem. You have your own garden. That is your boundary. To go into their garden is breaking all kinds of boundary rules and reestablishing a relationship that you do not want. If their zucchini dies because they don't water it, well tough. You took care of it long enough. It is not your fault. Not your garden. Yeah, you loved that zucchini, but you have to let it go. That is the healthy choice for you.

*Having this garden information made it so much easier to move back to Georgia and into the land of my ex-husband. I really thought when we moved that I might be able to work. I didn't anticipate feeling as bad as I do. However, I did anticipate him calling me to do all kinds of stuff pertaining to the kids. I had a plan. I had Boundaries. What was my plan? NO. What is this, you say? NO. To everything. It didn't matter what it was, the answer was no. Unless I really wanted to do it. I told him when I moved back that I wanted the kids to alternate spending the night on my timetable. MY timetable. I wanted to know what they were doing at school so that I could go if possible. So, he called about six times and asked me to do stuff. Pick ups, drop offs, etc. NO. NO. NO. He got the hint. He hasn't called again for any of that stuff. Boundaries. Don't throw your fruit in my backyard.

*The ex did surprise me. About two months ago, he broke up with his girlfriend. I know that I blogged on this. I heard more about this break up than I was really comfortable with or happy about. He also is still a concert going fiend. I have lots of thoughts on that and money better spent on kids, but I think I pretty well said it. Anyway, he had purchased several tix because of the ex-girlfriend. One was to George Strait and Reba. I do believe that I mentioned that I went with him to that one. He was talking about ditching the tix altogether (a travesty if ever there was one) and I caved. It was George Strait. Yeah, that is rationalization at its best. Anyway, I thought we were clear on everything. Maybe not so much. On the return trip home he mentioned that he would marry me again if my SSD didn't happen so that I would get better medical insurance. I didn't blog about that because I just didn't have words. Then or now. Still no words. He used another couple we know as the example of how that would work. In their case it works well. They have been married their entire life, have kids, and grandkids, and he feels horribly guilty about leaving her. He still gives her half his income because she watches their grandkids during the day. This would not be remotely like that. They both have significant others. He doesn't want to control her life. This wouldn't be remotely the same thing. So, I said nothing. A week or so later he called me up and asked me out to dinner. Just me and him. No kids. I asked if it was a date. He waffled. It was a date. I said no. Boundaries. He hasn't asked again. My migraines have been mind suckingly horrible. I have said it has been since the Bankruptcy. I think I have to add since my ex broke up with his girlfriend. Bankruptcy and Boundaries. It all leads to Bullets. Bullet Points, that is.

Well, I hope you learned something new about me that doesn't make you think I am crazier than you thought I was before. That is hoping for too much. I hope you learned something new. Period.

And now for the seven lucky people I am passing this on to... I am not passing this on to Martha Ruth. I have seen the Black Hole her awards fall into and it is a lot like mine. So, I will try to tag some people who haven't been spanked lately. Besides, this is the Stylish Blogger Award. I would pass it to Misery, but she has quit posting anything about style in her blog. Although, she is very stylish. She might get it anyway. We shall see. Kate is also very stylish. Stylish and not blogging. What is up peeps???? Chris just got tagged with some award. Can't remember which one. Hate to hit her with another one. Okay, I will stop typing out loud.

1) Yellow Rose Jasmine ~ She is fairly new to the blogging world, but has lots to say. If you haven't checked out her blog I hope that you take a minute and do so. She is a great commenter and will actually read what you write. Ha ha. I say that like it is funny, but not so much. It is nice to have people who are actually reading your stuff.

2) Purple Cow ~ How could I get an award and not pass it on to Purple Cow???? Besides I might not be able to do it for much longer. Tear tear. So, I must take advantage while I can.

3) Charlene ~ I love Charlene's blogs because I often think they are going one place, and I end up someplace else. That is totally cool. She is also really smart. I am always surprised when she comments on my blog. I have to go back and read what I wrote and hope that I came off sounding somewhat intellectual.

4) JJ ~ Another really smart person. Why all of these smart people read MY blog is a mystery to me!!! JJ will enlighten you on a variety of topics and, when you least expect it, give you a case of heartburn. He and Purple Cow should be reading each other's blogs if they aren't already. They are writing soulmates. I am just the catalyst to bring other people together...lol.

5) Carol ~ Sweetheart, you need something sweet and wonderful in your life right now. So, I hope that you focus your seven things on all good stuff. You have the biggest heart in the world.

6) Phoenix ~ Just to make you blog SOMETHING for crying out loud. When I first started blogging here, I thought that Phoenix was the person who wrote the most like me. Now, I wish I could write nearly as well as her. However, I think she is one of the most awesome people ever and the world at large needs to hear her writing voice more frequently. Why? Because she has a lot to say and it is all good and important!

7) Yenta Mary ~ Whose blog is the least like mine? Well, that would be Mary's blog. It is a cooking blog and I don't hardly cook anymore. However, she does manage to throw some living in there and she is the best commenter. She is an amazing person. I might be a magnet for horrible boyfriends, but I am a magnet for the best blogging buddies. And Mary is TOPS!


I had a really hard time only choosing seven. That is what happens when I read so many awesome blogs all the time. If you aren't reading some of these people, and you sound even remotely intrigued, go and read them now. They are just as incredible as they sound. And they all give good comment! Thoughtful comment. Who can ask for better than that???