WHERE IS THE LINE?

I don't know if you missed me yesterday, or not, but I didn't blog. Between the double blogging, writing for my book, feeling like crap with my migraines, the drama that is my personal life that is contributing to my migraines... well, there just hasn't been time. A fellow blogger posted something recently about how she made an innocent comment on her blog (here) that was misinterpreted and created chaos in her personal life. She admitted that she chose to have a public blog vs a personal one, and accepted that the odds of this kind of thing happening were very low, but possible. It just happened at a very bad time for her (Murphy's Law was in effect). That got me to thinking about my own trauma, which was riding a parallel course, with hers, but different.

First off, I only have 13 followers on this blog, and I am not certain that all 13 actually read my blog. However, I did send out an email to a lot of friends when I first opened this account, indicating that I would be blogging here, and am aware of a few that have read, but may or may not still be reading, my stuff. I am a lot more open about my life, and a lot more likely to get into trouble than the friend I referenced above. My mind skipped over to another friend on here who has chosen complete anonymity. She is a place and her name is a colored animal. She has complete freedom to write whatever she wants about whomever she wants without worry. I bet she didn't send out an email to her friends with the address to her blog site. I am beginning to think that was the wiser course.

I believe I have mentioned blogging on facebook and having a fanpage blah blah blah. All of this blogging started because of my migraines. It was the one thing I could do on my own timetable. If I felt good only 45 minutes one day, that's when I would blog. If I didn't feel good enough to blog at all, I didn't. It turned out that having a purpose helped. Well, that and pain pills and tablet to keep track of how often I take them. But, in terms of my mental health and wellness, having the blog helped. I could actually DO something constructive. I wasn't a waste of space. I wasn't just a financial drain on my parents. I was still a financial drain on my parents, but I wasn't JUST that. Maybe I would become a better writer. Maybe I could support myself someday with my writing. Maybe there was a grand design I couldn't see here. Yeah, I had to have something to believe in.

After my ex and I divorced in early 2005, some friends convinced me to open a myspace account. I did. He did. He had to be on my friends list. I relented. As soon as I did it was less my space. But he was still exercising a lot of control over me at that time. I could see it, and I couldn't see it, at the same time. He was using the kids to make me do what he wanted. He had done that every time I tried to leave him when we were married. It was a pattern and it worked. When I moved to Florida, getting away from him and all the stress that went with him was very good for me. It also gave me clarity about what was going on in that dynamic. I am not sure that he has that clarity. Meaning, I don't think he sees any of that the same way I do, and he would be angry that I suggested such a thing. He believes a different reality.

I discovered Facebook at the end of 2008. Within days, my ex sent me a friend request. I pressed ignore. He sent another one. Again ignore. Then came the message. I told him that facebook was for my high school and college friends. He and I didn't go to high school or college. No, we weren't going to be friends on facebook. I finally had my own space. I thought I had a private space, even though we did have a few mutual friends. I was selective about the mutual friends I allowed on my facebook. I was also selective about what friends I tagged for my notes. Ironically, because I had my own space, my need to write about my ex really wasn't there. I knew that I could, so I didn't. On Feb. 20, 2010 I wrote the blog WHAT'S YOUR DAMAGE? and it opened Pandora's box. If you missed that one, you can click here. On facebook, I made sure not to tag any mutual friends for that blog. If you read it again, take note that this was not a blog about my ex. This was a blog about ME.


Well, someone copied and pasted the entire blog and emailed it to my ex. I would have thought that he would have called me immediately from the moon when he landed. No. He sat on it. He called his mother. I don't know how much he told her. Probably read the thing to her. Hell, maybe he forwarded it to her on the email. He told her that I couldn't talk to the kids until I talked to him. Turns out, she got to wait some time before delivering that message because I went through my mental breakdown at my doctor's office, followed up by my LOST blog, etc. I was having lots of problems of my own. They always spend the night with her on Saturdays and that was when I called. One week ago today. She was short and mad. She gave me the message, I called my ex's cell, got the message that his mailbox was full (like it has been for a year), waited for him to call me for over an hour, knew that he wasn't going to call and was letting me stew, shut off my phone, scrolled through all of the blogs since my blog hit the open forum of my fanpage, thinking he had discovered THAT, and something had set him off, finally sent him an email, and went to bed. Oh... the best I could come up with was my comment that "I think suicidal thoughts" in my LOST breakdown blog of what was going on with that scene where Ben was digging his grave. I was thinking he was going to use that to keep me from seeing the kids. I didn't see the other thing coming... at all.

The next day he'd responded to my email indicating that I knew what this was about, but in case I didn't, he'd copied and pasted a paragraph from the WHAT'S YOUR DAMAGE blog. He told me that it was "unacceptable, mean, and hurtful." Woah. He was in my private facebook, reading stuff he wasn't invited to read and it unacceptable, mean, and hurtful. Well, as you can imagine, the email started flying. I found out that whoever sent him that email also sent him the one about his mother laying into Corey. If you're feeling like a triple dose, you can click here so that you are fully up to speed. I am fairly certain that he sent that one to his mother. That will make all future trips to pick up the kids at her house lots of fun!

Eventually, I realized that we were going nowhere. All he could see was that the email made him look bad. It did. I had to step back and take a new approach, and I am thankful that it worked. I finally found the words that he could hear and understand. I couldn't tell MY story without tell his. Period. This was where I FUCKED UP and if I could have told the story and left him out of it, I would have done it. But, I couldn't. I told him that as bad as it made him look, it made me look even worse. Which I believe is true. I couldn't own my damage without telling my story and he was part of the story. As for the story with his mother, of course the part that he really took objection to was the last line where I said I understood why he had all of his issues. He wasn't really upset on behalf of his mother. It was all about him again. So, I told him what I saw. I saw Corey on the couch being emotionally shredded, and in my mind I saw an overlay of my ex at the same age getting the same treatment. I saw cycles. And that made it all better for him. What didn't make it better for me was that my ex doesn't seem to have any incentive to make things better for Corey, and I have no power. But, throwing that log onto an already out of control fire didn't seem wise.

The four of us had an uncomfortable dinner earlier this week. But, it was better than I expected. My ex let me know by his body language that his feelings were still hurt. That was typical behavior and to be expected. I am very used to this sort of thing. Next time will be better. His mother will be a whole different ballgame. There will be no forgive and forget with her. It will not matter that one person in the entire town read what I wrote, which would be the person who forwarded it to her son. It will be icy at her house from hereon out.

Why am I writing this now? I am in a quandary people. Through lots of therapy, during and after my marriage, I let go of pretty much everything that happened while I was married. I don't have this need to write about it. That is why I was on facebook for so long and didn't write anything about my ex. To my way of thinking, I still haven't. I wrote about me and owned my damage. He just was part of MY story. When I wrote something he didn't like, he played the kid card, just like he always has. "You don't do things my way, you don't see my kids." I realize that we will always come back here sooner or later. Eventually he will force me to say, "Okay, you explain it to them."

Where is the line? What is unacceptable, mean, and hurtful? If someone verbally abused you for years, and you finally found the courage to stand up and walk away, is it unacceptable, mean, and hurtful to share what that person did to you because then his friends, co-workers, and family would see a different side of him? Is it unacceptable, mean, and hurtful to his children? Is it unacceptable, mean, and hurtful to ask me to keep my mouth shut because he says he's become a different and better person? He doesn't seem different and better to me, because the first thing he did was play the kid card. He's only better when things are going his way. Help me out here, folks, what is unacceptable, mean, and hurtful? Where is the line?