Life Is Not Fair

David List left this comment on my last post:

"Well this was real as real can be. Thank you.

And I was held by your writing. So the people who say otherwise can go frump a goat!

I sure hope the migraines have relented. That's not exactly a fair reward for you having a heart for children."

I started to reply and found that in that reply I had material for a new post!  Some of you are not remotely surprised by this, given the length of a comment I have left on YOURS.

It was the last sentence that struck me.  "That's not exactly a fair reward for you having a heart for children."

I said a few other things, but here is when I felt myself gearing up in my response: " Have you noticed that life doesn't operate on a Fairness System? Being a good person isn't a guarantee of anything. Fame, fortune, success, good relationships, happy marriage, health... nothing. I would write more, but I think I feel a blog post coming on, so I will save it."

One of my earliest memories is of my father saying, "Robin, who ever told you that life was going to be fair?"  This was usually uttered after my rant about how "unfair" something was.  When I was a child it could have been after stubbing my toe or simply not getting my way.   Yeah, like that.  Little did I know that it was the tip of a very large iceberg.

Life doesn't operate on a Fairness System. Period.  Good people don't always come out on top.  Nice guys do finish last.  Artists often die before their work becomes noticed, famous, and "worth something."  Being a good person doesn't mean that you will roll 7's in Vegas or 7's in your relationship choices.  It doesn't mean you won't suffer with chronic illness or get cancer.  Being good at heart doesn't mean that your life will be any better or more FAIR.

There is an older lady from our church whose husband was in stage four cancer.  She had to go to the hospital for a colonoscopy and they found something, so she was admitted.  He became very ill while she was still there and also ended up at the hospital.  She went down to his room to see him and he coded and died.  She is still in the hospital waiting to have her procedure.  Not exactly a fair reward for all of those years of marriage.

A high school friend of mine has a son who just died of a brain tumor.  Approximately two years ago the tumor was found and chemo/radiation started.  All seemed well.  Then, it came back.  So, they did more chemo.  Again, it seemed under control until it wasn't.  After it came back the third time it did so aggressively.  He passed away a couple of weeks ago.  He was thirteen years old.  His family will never be the same.  My friend said, "It's been a tough week and, while it's cliche, I finally understand the power of 'one day at a time.' Because when I think about surviving the next 30+ years without him, there's no way I can do it. But I can survive today. I was so blessed to know him. The best 13 years of my life." 

Another high school friend married two times and BOTH of her husbands were diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer and died.  The first one died just after they had their first child.  The second one died just after they had their first child (together).  So, she is now raising two children alone and grieving the death of her second husband.  

No.  Life is not fair.

What life gives us is grace.  If you haven't been smacked in the solar plexus by Life, all I can tell you is "look out."  Life doesn't play favorites.  We all get it in some way or another.  And some of us get more than others.  Each time that Life hits us, we get the opportunity to call on grace.  Are we going to be the child on a rant about the unfairness of it all or are we going to accept what happened and move forward?  

As for me, I have done both.  I have ranted plenty about my ex-husband and all the things HE did that made that marriage so untenable that I became chronically sick and ultimately had to leave.  Did that ranting make me feel better?  Not a lick.  Several years ago, I was at one of the kids' birthday parties and he actually said to me that it was a shame that I started getting migraines AFTER we divorced.  That kicked off another round of ranting all the way home about him having his head up his @ss and what did he think I spent that time in the hospital for... the view???  Not to mention all the puking, every second I spent in bed with something over my eyes, blah blah blah.  I must say that there was no grace in that diatribe.

I wish I could say that I had let it all go when I wrote that post back in July 2010.  But, I still wasn't there.  I wanted to be (which is the first step).  However, I had to accept that he was who he was.  Period.  And I saw signs of that before I married him... of course, I did.  They were the red flags that I waved at, smiled, and kept on cruising toward disaster.  I felt like a victim in that relationship, but only because I CHOSE it.  Accepting THAT has made it possible to let it all go.  Why?  I gained some wisdom.  I was always in charge.  I am still in charge.  And I am smarter now and I will choose better in the future.  A perpetual victim never sees how their own actions brought them where they are and continues to choose the same.  In order to get to grace, I had to forgive not only him, but myself for allowing it.  That was the door to freedom.

Life is not fair.  

Instead, there is Grace.  Wisdom.  Forgiveness. 

Cancer. The Great Snatch and Grab.

I didn't pick my words for the year lightly. The Art of Allowing. Grace. I kinda sorta knew I was going to need them.

So many people were so happy to kick 2011 to the curb and I was one of them. I barely got in to 2011 and my father was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and it just derailed my life. One of the biggest things that I struggled to come to terms with last year was that I was losing one of two people who loved me unconditionally. Other people might say they do or want to, but your parents do. And they are really the only ones. So, when his six months turned into three and he died in May, well my motivation to do much of anything kinda sorta died with him. My migraines notched up, my chronic fatigue kicked in, my fibro went a little crazy, and I think that maybe I lost my mind a little. I didn't want to blog. I really didn't want to get out of bed. I spent more days than not in my pajamas. My mom was lucky to get me on facebook and play games. I found some games that would help with my memory and I decided that was good for me and fun. Mostly I didn't have to think about anything and that was what I wanted most. As luck would have it, I think it did help improve my memory to a point. I still get stuck sometimes, but it is better.

Then I started having balance issues. Then the inner ear diagnosis. And life just felt really hard again. I really should have seen that as the big build up.

Then my aunt and uncle come over for Christmas and she is not doing well. She is in a wheel chair because she is having trouble with her legs. She whispers to me on the side, "Oh Robin, Don't tell anyone because I don't want to ruin the holiday, but I think the cancer really got me this time." I find out she is going in for a PET scan that week. (And when I say "this time" it is only because this extremely tough woman has beaten cancer over and over again.") Well, she was admitted to the hospital before the results of her scan came in. And various teams kept coming in with conflicting news about what they were going to do.

In the end, there wasn't much to do. Once the PET scan results came in the decision was made. I happened to be there when this news was delivered because I was on my way to my therapy appt downtown. There was cancer in her lungs. Fluid in her lungs. The doctor didn't want to say it. Stage 4. It was like all of the oxygen left the room. It had also traveled to her lymph nodes. And all of the pain she was feeling was because it was in her bones. Pretty much all of her bones. She has holes in her bones.

There is something about hearing Stage 4. For me, that day, I was right back in 2011. It was my dad all over again. And I was drowning in it. I suppose it was a good thing that I couldn't stay due to my therapy appt. It game me the opportunity to go and cry through that appt. And then all evening at home.

By the next day, I had some perspective. As terrible as this is for me, and it is bad. I love my aunt. We moved here in 1997 to be closer to her. So, this is a loss for me. However, this is not the loss of a parent. My mom is experiencing the loss of a sister. My uncle is experiencing the loss of a wife. My cousins are losing their mother. While this reminds me of my dad... this is not my dad. Unfortunately, my aunt doesn't have even close to the amount of time my dad had. Yesterday, the doctors are saying ONE WEEK. All of these people are having to mentally adjust to this loss in less than a week. I wasn't ready in three months.

The truth is that I am still not ready. But cancer doesn't wait until you are ready. It just snatches and grabs and all you are left with is a hole in your heart. Last time I drowned in it. This time I really want to find some Grace.

The Art of Allowing and Grace.

It is a little after midnight and I am rethinking my plan for Thursday's post. I was actually going to do a traditional Thursday post later... meaning after I go to bed in a few minutes and wake up on it "tomorrow." However, the response to all of my Here's To You posts wasn't the jump up and down excitement that I was hoping for when I posted them. I think maybe I was Thursday post deprived and threw too many out there all at once. And during the holidays when everyone is soooo busy, no less.

I also didn't account for the fact that people just plain stop reading your blog when you stop writing consistently. So, while I was ready for all of that HERE'S TO YOU love and awesomeness... I think I might have been the only one ready to take on so much at once. Chris hung in for a good bit of it. I am not sure if she watched all of the posts, but she did comment on most of them. (Yay Chris!)

Several bloggers in this ole blogosphere embrace a word or an idea for their New Year's Resolution as opposed to actual resolutions. I did that last year because it made more sense. Of course, mine got blown to bits when my dad was diagnosed with cancer. My whole life just went fizzle. Of course, I have spent days thinking about what I should choose this year and the only thing I can come up with is this: the Art of Allowing. And Grace. They definitely work hand in glove with one another.

The Art of Allowing, as I understand it, is making space for the things you want in your life. There is an art to that. You only have so much space. You do have to allow the good things in. They do not just come. Of course, life is always about lessons, and not all of them are good, and that is when we get to exercise Grace. The Art of Allowing and Grace. These are two things that I will get to use for the rest of my life, but I would like to focus on this year. I would like to become really excellent at Allowing good things into my life, and exercising Grace when a Life Lesson walks through the door instead.

So, in the spirit of Allowing, I will give you time to get caught up on your blog reading and watch my Here's To You Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and New Year Special. Yeah, I think I did four of them. Whew. The New Year One was a departure for me stylistically and I am curious about what you think about it.... If you like it, I will do it again. If not, well I still think you should always try something once! And the Grace part... I think the old me might have taken it personally that people stopped reading my blog, weren't as excited as I was, blah blah blah. Or maybe not. I don't know. I just believe now that we find the things that are meant to touch our lives when we are meant to find them. If we find them too soon, they don't impact us right. There really is a plan. So, perhaps Grace is always at work in its own way and I am just choosing to step outside of myself and see it more clearly.

As for that Thursday post, it is all written down and ready to go. That means dedications and all. So, when you all get back to your regular schedules and are ready for it, be on the lookout. I am thinking maybe next week. Yeah, the news will be old, which will mean you will have to dig a little deeper to figure out what I am referring to, but you can still shoot me an email. I am all about the Grace baby!!!!


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