Life Is Not Fair

David List left this comment on my last post:

"Well this was real as real can be. Thank you.

And I was held by your writing. So the people who say otherwise can go frump a goat!

I sure hope the migraines have relented. That's not exactly a fair reward for you having a heart for children."

I started to reply and found that in that reply I had material for a new post!  Some of you are not remotely surprised by this, given the length of a comment I have left on YOURS.

It was the last sentence that struck me.  "That's not exactly a fair reward for you having a heart for children."

I said a few other things, but here is when I felt myself gearing up in my response: " Have you noticed that life doesn't operate on a Fairness System? Being a good person isn't a guarantee of anything. Fame, fortune, success, good relationships, happy marriage, health... nothing. I would write more, but I think I feel a blog post coming on, so I will save it."

One of my earliest memories is of my father saying, "Robin, who ever told you that life was going to be fair?"  This was usually uttered after my rant about how "unfair" something was.  When I was a child it could have been after stubbing my toe or simply not getting my way.   Yeah, like that.  Little did I know that it was the tip of a very large iceberg.

Life doesn't operate on a Fairness System. Period.  Good people don't always come out on top.  Nice guys do finish last.  Artists often die before their work becomes noticed, famous, and "worth something."  Being a good person doesn't mean that you will roll 7's in Vegas or 7's in your relationship choices.  It doesn't mean you won't suffer with chronic illness or get cancer.  Being good at heart doesn't mean that your life will be any better or more FAIR.

There is an older lady from our church whose husband was in stage four cancer.  She had to go to the hospital for a colonoscopy and they found something, so she was admitted.  He became very ill while she was still there and also ended up at the hospital.  She went down to his room to see him and he coded and died.  She is still in the hospital waiting to have her procedure.  Not exactly a fair reward for all of those years of marriage.

A high school friend of mine has a son who just died of a brain tumor.  Approximately two years ago the tumor was found and chemo/radiation started.  All seemed well.  Then, it came back.  So, they did more chemo.  Again, it seemed under control until it wasn't.  After it came back the third time it did so aggressively.  He passed away a couple of weeks ago.  He was thirteen years old.  His family will never be the same.  My friend said, "It's been a tough week and, while it's cliche, I finally understand the power of 'one day at a time.' Because when I think about surviving the next 30+ years without him, there's no way I can do it. But I can survive today. I was so blessed to know him. The best 13 years of my life." 

Another high school friend married two times and BOTH of her husbands were diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer and died.  The first one died just after they had their first child.  The second one died just after they had their first child (together).  So, she is now raising two children alone and grieving the death of her second husband.  

No.  Life is not fair.

What life gives us is grace.  If you haven't been smacked in the solar plexus by Life, all I can tell you is "look out."  Life doesn't play favorites.  We all get it in some way or another.  And some of us get more than others.  Each time that Life hits us, we get the opportunity to call on grace.  Are we going to be the child on a rant about the unfairness of it all or are we going to accept what happened and move forward?  

As for me, I have done both.  I have ranted plenty about my ex-husband and all the things HE did that made that marriage so untenable that I became chronically sick and ultimately had to leave.  Did that ranting make me feel better?  Not a lick.  Several years ago, I was at one of the kids' birthday parties and he actually said to me that it was a shame that I started getting migraines AFTER we divorced.  That kicked off another round of ranting all the way home about him having his head up his @ss and what did he think I spent that time in the hospital for... the view???  Not to mention all the puking, every second I spent in bed with something over my eyes, blah blah blah.  I must say that there was no grace in that diatribe.

I wish I could say that I had let it all go when I wrote that post back in July 2010.  But, I still wasn't there.  I wanted to be (which is the first step).  However, I had to accept that he was who he was.  Period.  And I saw signs of that before I married him... of course, I did.  They were the red flags that I waved at, smiled, and kept on cruising toward disaster.  I felt like a victim in that relationship, but only because I CHOSE it.  Accepting THAT has made it possible to let it all go.  Why?  I gained some wisdom.  I was always in charge.  I am still in charge.  And I am smarter now and I will choose better in the future.  A perpetual victim never sees how their own actions brought them where they are and continues to choose the same.  In order to get to grace, I had to forgive not only him, but myself for allowing it.  That was the door to freedom.

Life is not fair.  

Instead, there is Grace.  Wisdom.  Forgiveness.