So, let's dig into this a little bit and see what happens.
The Soundtrack is back. For those of you who've lost track of where we are, it's Freshman Year of College.
Ironically, Dixie left an amazing comment on my Soundtrack post (Linger) that I think will apply here. She is really wise. Check this out (bolding mine):
Hi Robin. Your experience still seems painful because the memories hold
some very dear moments. I cannot begin to understand your situation then
or now, but I have compassion for the memories of painful times. What
we learn then, and bring forward to influence another time, gives way
to more learning. That way growth never stops.
I sometimes think I was born an 'old soul'. My movement from childhood to adulthood so gradual, I simply kept walking the path before me. I anticipated love in all forms... and practiced the best way to give. Today I practice the best way to receive. Maybe that's the key to my happiness. Knowing that loving it all with few or no regrets aids my life in a peaceful walk.
Bittersweet song - maybe one day you'll be able to listen and see what someone else saw. Maybe those who wanted you to Linger but knew you couldn't. How well did they hide their sadness from you - not wanting to add to your burden? It's often difficult to love parts of our past... and yet... we can be released. You are a very sweet and sensitive person. Your past has shaped a 'you' I love.
Most sincerely, Dixie
I sometimes think I was born an 'old soul'. My movement from childhood to adulthood so gradual, I simply kept walking the path before me. I anticipated love in all forms... and practiced the best way to give. Today I practice the best way to receive. Maybe that's the key to my happiness. Knowing that loving it all with few or no regrets aids my life in a peaceful walk.
Bittersweet song - maybe one day you'll be able to listen and see what someone else saw. Maybe those who wanted you to Linger but knew you couldn't. How well did they hide their sadness from you - not wanting to add to your burden? It's often difficult to love parts of our past... and yet... we can be released. You are a very sweet and sensitive person. Your past has shaped a 'you' I love.
Most sincerely, Dixie
Remember when I said I was reinventing myself in the last post, and the only thing I kept was music? Well, that didn't work out so well. Music Theory is really hard. I did okay on the written part, but everything else... not so much. Before this class, I only knew what an "F" was in theory. Music Theory made it reality. Yikes. I was crying regularly.
I was also not adjusting so well to the non-academic aspects of college, but we'll save that for the next post. I want to talk about Dixie's comment and how it fuses with my song choice for today.
Remember when I posted the Soundtrack featuring Simon and Garfunkel's song "I Am A Rock?" Well, I didn't want to be a rock or an island. And I really didn't want to cry anymore. I had this feeling... even then... that the Romance part of my life was going to be bumpy. Or just not turn out well. I can't explain the feeling, but I didn't like it. That feeling made me chase it, not only in college, but for years to come. (Let me tell you that chasing something like a "relationship," does NOT work. Just in case you were thinking of trying it for yourself.)
So, I'm coming back to my room from another disastrous episode in Music Theory (and beginning to realize that Music is also not going to "work out" for me). All I wanted was to come back to my room, climb into bed, and never come out again. Barring that, have a good cry and sleep the rest of the day.
I walk in my room and my roommmates (yes, I had two of 'em) were in the midst of a philosophical discussion. They immediately posed the question to me.
Roommate #1: Okay, we've got a question for you.
Me: (not liking the sound of this) Okay.
Roommate #2: You have to pick one or the other.
Me: (really not liking this) Alright.
Roommate #1: You marry someone and you love him more than he loves you.
Roommate #2: OR you marry someone and he loves you more than you love him.
Me Thinking, Not Speaking: Well, hell, this is my worst nightmare.
Me: Neither.
Roommate #1: Not an option.
Me: (knowing that I'm dooming myself to something actually happening in my life) The second one.
And there it was. I spoke it into power. AND I knew it as I said it. Or maybe I made it true by believing it. I don't understand these sorts of things completely. I just had the WORST feeling.
Just take a moment and think about Dixie's comment. She said:
I anticipated love in
all forms... and practiced the best way to give. Today I practice the
best way to receive. Maybe that's the key to my happiness. Knowing that
loving it all with few or no regrets aids my life in a peaceful walk.
I anticipated love in its worst forms... and practiced the best way to accept it. I also had difficulty receiving when love flew at me in a good and true way. Yes, anticipating love. Giving love. Receiving love. I do believe these are the keys to Happiness and a peaceful walk.
Slow down, hold still
It's not as if it's a matter of will
Someone's circling, someone's moving
A little lower than the angels
And it's got nothing to do with me
The wind blows through the trees
But if I look for it, it won't come
I tense up, my mind goes numb
There's nothing harder than learning how to receive
Calm down, be still
We've got plenty of time to kill
No hand writing on the wall
Just the voice that's in us all
And you're whispering to me
Time to get up off my hands and knees
'Cause if I beg for it, it won't come
I find nothing but table crumbs
My hands are empty, God I've been naive
All I need is everything
Inside, outside, feel new skin
All I need is everything
Feel the slip and the grip of grace again
Slow down, hold still
It's not as if it's a matter of will
Someone's circling, someone's moving
A little lower than the angels
This voice calling me to you
It's just barely coming through
Still I clearly hear my name
I've been fingering the flame
Like tomorrow's martyr, it gets harder to believe
All I need is everything
Inside, outside, feel new skin
All I need is everything
Feel the slip and the grip of grace again
So from now till kingdom come
Taste the words on the tip of my tongue
'Cause we can't run truth out of town
Only force it underground
The roots grow deeper in ways we can't conceive
All I need is everything
Inside, outside, feel new skin
All I need is everything
Feel the slip and the grip of grace again
I was so far from that my freshman year (and beyond). BUT, I'm so thankful that I get it NOW. I can't change anything I did (or thought or believed) back then. I can only change my present. Have you mastered the art of giving and receiving? Have you ever spoken a truth you didn't want into power?
If you're enjoying these posts, feel free to share your own Soundtrack. This isn't a hop. No requirements at all, but a suggestion to do it one song at a time. (If you participated in the hop several years ago, you can still do this. Just post them one song at a time, with the freedom to add more songs if you'd like.) I'll link to all participants at the bottom of each of these posts:
StMcC Presents BATTLE OF THE BANDS
Cherdo on the Flipside
GIRL WONDER ~
ReplyDeleteI liked the song and, yes, Dixie Polka gots wisdom.
>>... I can't change anything I did (or thought or believed) back then. I can only change my present.
There's a Tom Petty song I like from the 'Hard Promises' album. He sings, "You can still change your mind. You can change your feelings". I like to remind myself of that from time to time.
>>... Have you mastered the art of giving and receiving?
I think I'm better at giving. Receiving always makes me a little uncomfortable for some reason. And yet, everything I have and everything I am I was given, in the bigger scope of things.
>>... Have you ever spoken a truth you didn't want into power?
I fear that I have, and more than once.
~ D-FensDogG
'Loyal American Underground'
Hearts and minds do change (thank goodness). I like to think we're getting wiser and mastering the classes in this big ole schoolroom. Giving and receiving. Two of the Biggies. I'm still working on both... sigh.
DeleteI didn't go to college...so I don't have a soundtrack for that. But I have a soundtrack for many other phases of my life.
ReplyDeleteThat's a great song with a deep meaning.
I think a whole bunch of people struggle with giving and receiving.
DeleteI wish I could give you comforting insight. I'm a person who seldom looks back. I keep moving forward. I think I learned that from my dad.
ReplyDeleteSusan, In this case the thought definitely counts. :)
DeleteWell, 54, never married-I stink at romantic relationships.
ReplyDeleteBut I'm not that great at receiving. I hate to ask for help. Heck, I hate to be a guest!
At this point, I've lived alone for so long I don't know that I'd do so well with a housemate more intrusive than a cat.
Fortunately, I did manage to learn to not sweat the small stuff and to let go.
Although the heavy mysteries of life still elude me (does the light stay on after I close the refrigerator door?)...
Larry
LC, I think the Beer Boys answered that question about the light in the refrigerator on their blog not too long ago. Check it out!
DeleteI'm not so hot at romantic relationships, either. Ah well. I'm still hopeful... does that count?
Was it "Romancing The Stone" that ended with the female lead making that disctinction (Hopefull versus hopeless romantic)?
DeleteI don't know if I would even call myself hopeful-I'd certainly be open to the right person, but the odds of meeting anyone are low considering the way I live (when I go out, it's usually to a concert or a movie, neither much of a social opportunity, and when I get invited places, everyone is a couple but me). But I am not complaining-there are advantages to being single and to living alone just as there are advantages to being part of a couple.
I was not familiar with Over The Rhine but Amazon Prime has the album the above song came from (meaning I get to listen to it for free) and I like it. Sadly, these days I don't get to listen to things enough to digest lyrics like I used to, so I would not have gotten the lines you emphasize above (which were what led me to seek out a higher-fideltiy version of the song.than the You Tube clip).
I really like their album Good Dog, Bad Dog (which this song is on). In point of fact, there will be a couple other songs off that album on these Soundtrack posts before we're done. I think this an album you'll want to add to your collection (your very large collection!).
DeleteI'm going to try to do a few a month as my brain is jogged into musical memory.
ReplyDeleteBack to your Soundtrack: the lyricist of that song is on my new "love" list. Powerful, to the point...REAL. Loved it.
Cherdo, I love your Soundtrack posts, so I can't wait to read them!
ReplyDeleteOver The Rhine (as a group) is way under-rated.
I really enjoyed this song and the lyrics. I am a much better giver than receiver. I love to give. I have a hard time even with receiving compliments. My husband told me a few years ago- just say thank you, you don't have to add any more to that. He's right. I blabble too much. And to your comment above- Yes it does count to still being Hopeful!!
ReplyDeleteSometimes that simple Thank You is enough. In fact, most of the time it is. Are we so unaccustomed to receiving that we can't help ourselves from blathering on about it? Maybe.
DeleteHi Robin,
ReplyDeleteThis is Liza.
My sister said something to me once, years ago, that I believe jinxed me. Is that the same as giving into power? It wasn't something she meant to do, but as soon as she said the words, I knew the opposite was going to come true, and it did. It wasn't something I could control though. I could address the issue, work at it, and try to fix it, but I could not control it. Hmmm. Yea, I guess those words had some kind of power...
What you're talking about is a FEELING. That's what I had, too. Of course, I could control it, but we make so many choices unconsciously. How many times do people realize they've "married their father" or another family member? Sometimes that can be a good thing (if your father is a great husband), but it can also be a bad thing. Cycles repeat.
DeleteI don't really know the answer here, but yes I think words can be spoken to power... even if it's something we absolutely do not want.
Hi Robin. It is written - 'fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom' - so if I seem to have wisdom, it is only because I recognized at a tender age that He knew me. He really knew me. He wanted me to know Him.
ReplyDeleteEven in your song choice, the lyrics say - Slow down, hold still, and Calm down, be still - remind me of His writing -' be still and know that I am God.' We are told to 'listen to that still, small voice' of His. Quieting the thoughts. You may know the written word that states - 'bringing every thought, word, and deed'...?
The scenario with the roommates didn't leave any leeway. Can't the number 2 choice then be God? No one out-gives Him. No one out-loves Him. I think your answer was just fine. Maybe at the time you were thinking of the human element - not the divine. But this is now, and you are free to bring that to your table, and feast upon His love. He will teach you how to give and receive. He gives discernment to know who to avoid... who to enjoy.
It is written - 'we are vessels' - and to experience more, we allow ourselves to be emptied out. Just as the Savior emptied out, for our reconciliation to God. But another filling comes, and we leave the table to go out and serve - each of us according to His wishes, and the talents He gives us.
For me, receiving is a gift. I'm learning from Him how to receive, so I will know that what I'm receiving is what He wants for me. People want to give to me, but often the strings attached would make me heartsick - I vote with my feet, and walk away. I still find His word saying - 'Acknowledge Him in all thy (your) ways, and He will direct your paths,' to be a huge help in troublesome times. I need Him with me. I want Him with me. He lifts the blinders and I see. In my own efforts, I can make one big mess. In my own wisdom, I can create chaos for myself.
'The tongue is a little member but can cause the greatest sorrow'...'lay your hand upon your mouth.' (oh and this is what I'm practicing this week!) Ha! Forgive this lengthy comment.
Most respectfully, Dixie.
Well, girl, you've given me rather a lot to ponder here. I think the more spiritually in tune we are, the easier things go for us. I was wickedly out of tune at this time in my life.
DeleteAs for the now, I'm doing better, but I still struggle. I suppose in some ways the chronic migraines emptied me out. Now I'm in the process of being filled again. And, yes, things go best when I choose to fill myself with the things that God chooses over the things I choose.
I think we've all experienced our mouths getting us into trouble!
I've never heard of that song or the group, but I do like it a lot. So beautiful.
ReplyDeleteThose either or questions with no really good choice are tough ones, but actually the scenario poised reflect a good many, perhaps most relationships, not all the time, but at different times. When couples can find that point of balance then it's about as good as life can be, but unfortunately things rarely stay in constant balance.
At least you had an on-campus life with some contacts. I still was living with my parents when I was going to college and felt extremely isolated as far as the college life went. That's probably part of the reason I basically dropped out and sought something else.
It's a confusing time though I think much of life below age 25 or so can be very confusing while after that things remain kind of confusing but to a lesser degree.
I guess we are responsible for our own states of mind and when care and worry too much things get messy for us. My problem is sometimes I care too much. Thank goodness I don't get the migraines like you do, but still it's not especially healthy.
Giving and receiving in an intimate setting is still a challenge for me. In any kind of setting really. I'm best when I'm alone, but that's the worst for me as well. Life is a conundrum.
Arlee Bird
Tossing It Out
If this Soundtrack series is proving anything to me it's that Life is confusing pretty much all the time. Those hard choices are... hard.
DeleteI think the healthiest thing would've been to not vote. I know it would've seemed a copout to my roomies, but if I'd had the presence of mind I'd have said, "I'm not choosing either of those, because I don't want to give either negative a chance of manifesting in my life." Dixie said in her comment above, "Sometimes I vote with my feet." Wow. Maybe we all need to vote with our feet a bit more when we don't like the choices in front of us. Nope. None of that for me.
That's such a tough question to answer. Even if you both start out on equal ground, nothing ever stays the same. Dixie is a wonderful person who happens to be extremely thoughtful. Come to think of it , she's a lot like you, Robin. Oh, and I really like this song. Now I'll have to go back and read your previous "soundtrack" post. Sorry I'm still so far behind.
ReplyDeleteJulie
No worries, Julie. Life can be busy and sometimes blogging has to ride in the backseat. I've been sick this entire week and very glad these posts were pre-written and scheduled to go. I've felt terrible and not able to spend much time sitting at the computer at all.
DeleteHi, dear Robin! For the sake of continuity and to remind myself that I walk my talk, I jumped back and read this post before advancing to the current one. I'm glad I didn't miss this. Yessum, I was stunned by the brilliant clarity of Dixie's poetic comment. It puts my pedestrian albeit well-intentioned rambling to shame. Since I have nothing profound to add to what you and Dixie and others have expressed, just know that I was here, that I read the post with great interest and that I care.
ReplyDeleteSometimes it's hard to come up with good comment!
DeleteLike Shady, I decided to read this post before reading the most recent one.
ReplyDeleteThe who love who the most is an interesting poser. I have always been much more comfortable on the giving side and would much rather take care of other people (i.e. cater and spoil the crap out of) than to be taken care of. It took me a long time to realize what a kindness it can be to sometimes allow others to do the pampering. (But it still makes me squirm a little.) Love flows, sometimes more in one direction than the other, but with time, the give-and-take of it becomes a beautiful thing.
Yeah, it's only problematic when it only flows one way all of the time. Those relationships are toxic and just suck the life out of you (well, maybe if you're the one receiving they're okay.. ha!).
Delete