At last post, things are looking good in high school, no?
All of the things I knew I wanted (and had specific ideas on how to achieve them) happened.
Did you see the movie Constantine? (I really like this movie if you haven't watched it!) One of the (many) things I loved: There's always a catch.
So, what's the catch?
I really wanted a boyfriend. In fact, I felt tremendous pressure about the whole thing. My dad's mother quizzed me on it every visit. And if it wasn't a quiz, it was the comments thrown out as hooks, "I bet you're beating the boys off the porch."
Nope. No boys. No porch incidents. (Unpretty remember? Oh, the things we think we leave behind, want to leave behind, and Look! There they are!)
There was, in point of fact, one cute boy my senior year. When the reality of dating collided with the theory of dating, I panicked and broke up with him. Real mature I know. (I'm laughing to myself right now.) There were several truths at work here. The false truth that I wasn't really pretty, kind, or good enough to have a boyfriend. The actual truth that I had NO CLUE what to do with a boyfriend. (And that has somehow remained true... hmm.)
Anyway, for all of the amazing, excellent, wonderful things manifesting in my life... I felt very alone. It was an aloneness that actually extended beyond my lack of a boyfriend. There is aloneness that exists in which you feel like no one will ever really understand you. That kind of alone. I didn't even have words to express that feeling until THIS SONG.
Some friends of mine loved this duo and gave me a mix tape of their songs. As a child of the 80s, it was NEW to me. And wonderful. I have no words for how much I loved them then (and now). I bought their record (yes, I said record) Sounds of Silence and listened to it constantly. But, it was the last song on Side B that stabbed me where I stood. Or in my case, at least most of the time, laid. The song before it was We've Got A Groovy Thing Goin'. That song made me dance around my room singing into my hairbrush (if you've not done this, you are so missing out!). But then THIS SONG came on and I just dropped onto my bed. When it was over, I would pick up the needle and play it again. And again. And again. I can still remember my mother yelling from another room in our house, "Robin, please play something else. I can't stand it any longer."
It was like a mix tape wherein all of Side A was THIS SONG. (Yeah, I'm looking at you, Stephen T. McCarthy.)
Have you ever felt that no one would ever really get you?
If you're enjoying these posts, feel free to share your own Soundtrack. This isn't a hop. No requirements at all, but a suggestion to do it one song at a time. (If you participated in the hop several years ago, you can still do this. Just post them one song at a time, with the freedom to add more songs if you'd like.) I'll link to all participants at the bottom of each of these posts:
StMcC Presents BATTLE OF THE BANDS
Cherdo on the flipside
I did the hairbrush dancing! Oh times were simple, even if we did over think them and feel twisted by the expectations of adults. I used to get the "do you have a boyfriend" stuff too. Such a silly statement. My best times in high school was when I was boyfriendless. Girls should have fun, forget the guy headaches.
ReplyDeleteI think we spend way too much time (or I spent way too much time) thinking about the things I thought I should have instead of appreciating the things I actually had.
DeleteConstantine is a good movie.
ReplyDeleteI never had a boyfriend in high school either. I lost out on the last two years of my high school experience, though, but still. No boys. I had a lot of boy friend but not one boyfriend. *shrugs* Their loss. ;) Or mine...because I was super shy back then.
Having read your most recent blog post I can see that you had way too much going on with your health when you were in high school to even think about a boyfriend.
DeleteI really like Simon & Garfunkel! I have one close friend who really gets me. I'm very grateful to have her in my life. :)
ReplyDeleteYes, be thankful for that!
DeleteThis post speaks to me. Part of my alienation in high school was related to not having a girlfriend (or many friends period) and I felt very lonely in many ways. On the other hand the loneliness wasn't all that bad and did have some advantages in that I could read more, write more, and do solitude type things.
ReplyDeleteYears later my sister informed me about all the attractive girls who had crushes on me. Looking back I can see it, but then I was too dense or too lacking in confidence or something to follow up on the interest these young ladies showed me. As always, though I think that maybe it was all for the best because I might have gotten married and been tied down to a stationary life and would have missed out on all the great adventures that the road of life took me to.
Arlee Bird
A to Z Challenge Co-host
Tossing It Out
This feeling of being alone would last pretty much the rest of my life. In fact, I still struggle with it today. There is a song that I dedicated to The Beer Boys on a HERE'S TO YOU (at least I think I did) called Just Wait by Blues Traveler. I bought their CD for another song, but this one always spoke loudest to me. I love this line: I ask of you a very simple question. Did you think for one minute that you were alone? And is your suffering a privilege you share only? Or did you think that everybody else feels completely at home?
Deletehttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8EgrP7PjjTw
It's a good song that I've never heard before now. Thanks for bring it my way.
DeleteArlee Bird
A to Z Challenge Co-host
Tossing It Out
Always happy to share, Lee:)
DeleteI was scrolling down to see my own comment, saw Lee saying he'd never heard the song, and for a second thought he meant "I Am A Rock."
DeleteHey, I'm not doing TSOML daily, but I'm going to try and do it a few times a month. Did you see the post last week? I'll post another tomorrow, but I'm alternating it with TBT. It's a great idea, Robin!
ReplyDeleteLink: http://www.cherdoontheflipside.com/2015/05/i-go-crazy-soundtrack-of-my-life.html
(By the way, I think if you take an accurate poll of high school years, most people don't have a boyfriend or girlfriend.)
So glad you're joining in Cherdo. I will go back and edit this post to include you. Feel free to post as you will.
DeleteI missed your first soundtrack post, so thank you for linking it for me. That was freakin' hilarious. You have THE BEST stories.
Yeah, I think you're right about the boyfriend/girlfriend thing in high school. It's funny but it seems like EVERYONE is coupled when you're there, though... Life is crazy. Like your song said;)
Oh how I can relate. There was a hall that some boys would stand against the wall. That hallway also slanted down-no stairs. I had to walk that hallway often to get to my locker. The boys would say how ugly i was and literally spit on me. One tossed a bag and told me to cover myself before they puked. Not fun-stupid little asses. I had a major crush on one boy who was popular and did treat me well. I now believe he liked me to but he didn't know what to do and I was terrified so it was not meant to be. I knew of this song and it also spoke to me as well and helped me.
ReplyDeleteI don't know why your story shocks me (I mean, I experienced my own bullying and mean remarks), but I just can't imagine spitting on someone. Or being spat on. People can be so mean. I hope they know karma is a bitch. If not, I bet they're figuring it out.
DeleteI think any song which speaks something we feel is a powerful song. The more people that feel it, I guess the more powerful it is. Ironically, we are all united in our aloneness...
I still relate to that song!
ReplyDeleteHit send by mistake. Still relate to the song, but have always been ok with being alone-never felt the need to be in a relationship for the sake of being in a relationship, so while my relationships may have been few (I have a co-worker who probably had more lady friends in 2014 than I did in the last 54 years), they have been meaningful (at least to me).
ReplyDeleteI am shielded in my armor...
I'm more okay with being alone now than I ever have been before. I guess it's knowing the excruciating pain of a terrible relationship that makes alone feel like a pleasure cruise. I'll never be with Anyone just to avoid Alone again. It's much worse being in a relationship... alone.
DeleteI, too, hit Send too soon.
DeleteTurns out another S&G song addresses what I just (tried) to say above better than I could....
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nntOYUODSV0
Love that one too!
DeleteI do not revisit their music enough-quite the songwriters!
I've lived alone for more than 25 years, with far more time out of relationships than in them during that stretch, and there are times it does get....lonely...but overall, I feel exactly the way you just described-better alone than with someone I'd rather not be with.
Plus I don't want to have to make the room in the dresser drawers...
I also had that "don't know what to do with" thing going on. Truth be told, I'm not sure I've figured it out yet, but I'm a LOT closer than I was then. Or any other time in my first 45 years. Slow learner anyone! Also got the un-pretty thing going on, but at least now I just don't care anymore. Didn't know what to do about it when it mattered, don't do anything about it now.
ReplyDeleteI think a lot of us "high school social outcasts" looked at that song as an anthem. Although, I'd have to say my life has fit more into Kodachrome.
Being a good partner in a relationship is a lot of work. Plus, there really isn't a Handbook (despite all the self help books out there). I think our success has a lot to do with our maturity (and the maturity of our partner)... and I wasn't all that mature in high school. Clearly.
DeleteI think we're kindred spirits. Then again, I think all humankind is like this - but most are afraid to admit it. That is, we all feel deeply lonely at time. And who knows what to do in romantic relationships? There aren't any rule books. Those of us who didn't have real healthy parenting had no clue. Thus, I went around belting out, "I am a rock. I am an iiiiiiii, isle, land!!"
ReplyDeleteYes, I think most people (deep down) feel like they're walking through this world alone. Relationships are tough. Even friendships don't always last. I believe that's why this song resonates.
DeleteSTOP, THIEF!
ReplyDeleteSTOP, THIEF!!!
C'mon! Yer stealing from MY "Soundtrack" and you KNOW it! You even confessed your thievery in your text.
Oh, robin, Robin, ROBIN! GIRL THIEF!
What am I gonna do with you?!
You can call me...
~ Al B. Gehtenevin
POSTSCRIPT:
Delete~ D-FensDogG
'Loyal American Underground'
In all fairness, I had my songs chosen through high school (at least most of them). I confess to adding a few as I considered significant events that escaped me at first pass. However, this one was already on my list when you directed me to your already published soundtrack post. When I stumbled across it... well, it took my breath. However, the more I thought about it, the more I realized this song will resonate for many.
DeleteI think you should still use it along with your story. Song is a shared experience. Your lifetime is yours alone.
~Olive Ernata Fahter
I think I'll just substitute your favorite TRAIN song for it on MY 'Soundtrack'.
DeleteHa!-Ha! I'm just teasin' ya.
~ D-FensDogG
Well, if you can decipher exactly which song that is... it will require MANY listening hours to nothing but TRAIN... On second thought, I think you should:)
DeleteYou need more TRAIN in your soul.
Bwahahahaha.
Hi, dear Robin!
ReplyDeleteI was 16 in 1966 when I came to know and love S&G, their record album The Sounds of Silence (yes, I said record) and the song "I Am a Rock." It was played heavily at my Shady Dell hangout along with "Homeward Bound." Both rank high on my list of The 200 Greatest Hits of the Shady Dell. Those two S&G singles were released during a pivotal year at the Dell when music for the thinking (and feeling) man was starting to take its place on the jukebox along with traditional "silly love songs" and up tempo dance ditties. "I Am a Rock" resonated with me then and still does today. Truth be told, most of my life I have felt like a loner, an outsider - out of step and out of sync with the rest of the crowd. I am not a good fit for the married with children scene. Like John and Helen Ettline I never had children of my own.
I tend to view the world differently. I have learned to love and appreciate that about myself.
Thank you, dear Robin, for featuring one of the most important recordings on the soundtrack of my life.
If you read StMc's comment, I stole thins song from him. (You and I know a song cannot be stolen!) So, hang in for a month or two and you'll hear it again on one Stephen T. McCarthy's Soundtrack post. He has a great story that goes with it.
DeleteThis song still resonates for me, too. I feel like it's WORK to go against my instinct to slide into myself. Putting yourself out there (on a blog or in life) is scary stuffs. After all, that rock feels no pain and an island never cries.
I Am A Rock is such a poignant song. Simon and Garfunkel were such a talented duo. The song that most struck a chord for me in high school was Janis Ian's At Seventeen.:
ReplyDelete"To those of us who knew the pain
Of valentines that never came
And those whose names were never called
When choosing sides for basketball"
Fortunately, our lousy high school experiences helped make us stronger. Just think about the kids who peaked in high school, and had nothing to look forward to afterward.
Julie
I read that last bit and thought to myself, "I'M ONE OF THOSE KIDS WHO PEAKED IN HIGH SCHOOL!" It just took me all this time to figure it out. Waaaahhhh!
DeleteNo you didn't. Your writing has helped you reach new peaks, and your endless support has made a huge difference in the blogging community. I'm also impressed at how beautifully you sing in your church choir, Robin! It's getting late, so I'll read your BOTB post, tomorrow.
DeleteJulie
Hi Robin,
ReplyDeleteAs somebody who has become an expert on solitude, I am a rock and I'm an island. My island is surrounded by a swirling sea of humanity. I am on the island as an invisible man.
High school was mostly crap for me. Hated the cliques and always was a rebel. Maybe that's why I'm still mostly in solitude.
Another thoughtful post from your good self, Robin.
Gary
Chronic illness makes an island of the best of us. Hang in there!
DeleteOh, yes, yes, yes. "If I never loved , I never would have cried...I have my books and my poetry to protect me...a rock feels no pain..." Well, dearie, you just jet-streamed me back to high school...
ReplyDeleteGreat song!! I graduated from a very small school out in the country where everyone knew everyone from grade school. I didn't get there until my freshman year and I was an outsider. I had a few dates here and there but never had a boyfriend all 4 years of school. It was so hard. Hard to not take personal when you're in your teens. In some ways it was good for me because I became very picky of who I would date later on. My theory was , I can go years without someone , I don't HAVE to have someone so I can be selective. That's not without saying that my choices were still the best. I chose some losers for sure.
ReplyDelete