I'm writing this on Sunday, the 10th, and my heart is overflowing with sadness. I know that you won't understand this yet (but you will, because we are getting there in my Soundtrack posts), and that is a No Holds Barred Sort of Ride revealing everything from the beautiful to the tragic in my life.
Back in 2010, while still very much trying to sort out my life and some pretty crappy things that happened, I know I wrote about a man on this blog. I called him Right Guy, and later Mr. Electric. Since I had about 15 followers then (and maybe 3 of them still read this blog), I'm willing to bet NO ONE recalls him. That's okay. I'll get there with my Soundtrack story. However, if you want to have a better sense of who he was to me you can READ THIS.
I now will call him Jack (because that's his name). I loved him. There was a time when I thought it would work out for us. You know, in that Forever sort of way. And he loved me, too. But, we were both so damaged by the time we got together. So, instead of healing one another, in the end we inflicted more damage. Over the years, we reconnected several times, and each time I'd hope that this time it would be different. But it never was. So, I just tried to let it go and let it be. (I don't think that strategy ever really worked for either of us or these reconnects wouldn't have kept happening.)
I heard from him again last year in November. We talked on the phone for over three hours and FINALLY said all the things we didn't say before. Apologized for the hurts caused by the not saying and active doing.
It turned out that now he was walking a tough road, one I knew plenty well. He was pretty much where I was at when we got together the first time (life is one gigantic karmic circle it would seem). It didn't take me long to figure out that he had about as much to offer in November as I had in 2005-6. So, I emotionally released (again) and prayed that when he got himself together (hopefully he would do it sooner than I did), maybe the timing would finally be right.
In a moment of weakness, I called his cell phone a couple weeks ago. The number was disconnected. I was and wasn't surprised. He was mired in financial problems when we talked (which had him feeling trapped and down). Today I checked his Facebook page, hoping he'd posted things indicating he was getting his life together.
Following the comment thread on his page, I read that he killed himself on December 28. (He was bipolar and I know he had difficulty reconciling himself to taking the medication. I suspect that he quit and when the depression set in it was just too much.)
December 28. Pretty much a month after we had that amazing conversation in which we forgave each other and ourselves for everything that happened in the past. He was a bright light to so many people, but never could fill that hole inside himself. I'd always hoped that when we filled our own holes we would be able to finally make it work. Now I know that will never happen. It feels so wrong. And unfair. Just plain tragic. But, I'm so thankful for that phone call. If not for that, this whole thing would be absolutely untenable.
As it is, it's a wicked game. (This love is only gonna break your heart.)
|This is a picture he took of me on our second date. December 31, 2005.|
If you want to hear the original by Chris Isaak, which is undoubtedly the BEST version of this song, click HERE. I encourage you all to listen to it because it is the Soundtrack Post Song I would use. However, you can't vote on it in this BoTB.
The first version you can vote for in this battle is by HIM:
The second version is by James Vincent McMorrow:
I don't expect you to grapple with trying to find *something* to say that will make me feel better about Jack killing himself. Or dying. Or any of it really. I know that we all lose people we love. If you feel compelled to share any part of your story, well that would be okay. No matter how alone we think we are in our experience... we aren't.
Also, please vote for the version of this song you prefer. If you want to get into the Ins and Outs of why you like one better than the other... I LOVE long comments!
For more Battle of the Bands fun, check out the other BOTB bloggers to vote on their battles:
- Far Away Series
- Stephen T. McCarthy's Battle of the Bands Blog
- Tossing it Out
- DiscConnected (temporarily disconnected from BoTB)
- This Belle Rocks
- Mike's Ramblings
- Curious as a Cathy
- Book Lover
- The Sound of One Hand Typing
- dcrelief ~ Battle of the Bands
- Shady Dell Music & Memories
- Cherdo on the Flipside
- Angels Bark
- THE DOGLADY'S DEN
- Alex J. Cavanaugh (sometimes)