The Soundtrack of My Life, The Third P

So, we're still in Freshman year, and I promised to tell you how things went in achieving my (ridiculous) goal of The Two Ps... among other things. If you'll recall my only idea was to do the opposite of what I'd done before, which is pretty scary stuffs when you stop and think about it.

After some observation, it seemed that The Two Ps were engaging in Partying, which brings me to the Third P.

Let me clarify something before I move forward. Had you asked me during college if I thought I was "off the reservation," I would've said "NO." I really liked college and didn't want to graduate. So, perspective and perception (two more Ps) are hard at work here.

Partying, aka drinking alcoholic beverages, wasn't all bad. It just wasn't all good. It bolstered my confidence to actually (gasp) talk to boys. It turns out that wasn't so terrible. Of course, once I passed beer number four it all got dicey. (Low tolerance was definitely a bad part of this equation.) Drinking made me feel more confident (pretty and popular) and in the feeling, I guess there was a measure of truth. However, it was a band-aid on a heart wound. Remember, I warned you back when we started this thing that I would later throw anyone and anything into those holes in my heart in an attempt to fill them up. We can officially call this Attempt #1.

The other reason that partying was hard on me (aside from the aforementioned low tolerance) is that it really went against the way I was raised. On the one hand, it filled up my holes and gave me Value. On the other hand, it felt like I was cheating on God. Which, I guess I was if you hold to the idea that God should be first in your life (and I did). Making the decision that drinking filled a need that God did not altered my relationship with God for many years. Lucky for me, God remains the same even while we wander around in a daze.

"No matter where you go, there you are." ~Buckaroo Bonzai

Seems like a silly saying, doesn't it? Well, that was very much like my college experience. I wanted to be someone else, but even a fairly good actor can only maintain "someone else" for so long. For me, this manifested in a variety of ways. I had two distinct sets of friends in college. Party Friends and Not Party Friends. In this way I got to be both sides of myself. With my closest Party Friends I was both (mostly because they were very much like me in their own duality).

I also obsessed over a boy I met at a party because we sat and talked for hours and had this amazing conversation. My friends didn't understand this attraction at all because he really wasn't even good looking. Ah well. Turns out, he was also really not interested in  little ole me. That made for an easy crush. This was the sort of "relationship" I could manage. No effort and all longing. Ha! Then I dated (briefly) another guy who was of the Non-Party Variety. Very good looking and super nice. At the time I thought he was boring. Maybe he was. Maybe he wasn't. Turns out he was "work." As in relationships require work. I was still a solid year away from being able to manage anything "real."

I also rushed a sorority my freshman year who rejected me. At the time, that was really painful. However, the more I watched those girls on campus, I realized they were the Mean Girls of my Junior High School. So, of course, I wanted them to like me. Of course, they didn't. By the end of the year I was grateful that God doesn't answer all prayer. I didn't belong in that group.

All in all... Freshman Year was a Mad Season. I did more changing in that one year than I had in all of the years that came before.

I particularly like the line:

And I've been changing
I think it's funny how no one knows





Can you think of a time when you decided that you wanted to "change everything" or "be someone else?" Have you ever filled your own holes with unhealthy things? 
 If you're enjoying these posts, feel free to share your own Soundtrack. This isn't a hop. No requirements at all, but a suggestion to do it one song at a time. (If you participated in the hop several years ago, you can still do this. Just post them one song at a time, with the freedom to add more songs if you'd like.) I'll link to all participants at the bottom of each of these posts:

StMcC Presents BATTLE OF THE BANDS

Cherdo on the Flipside

The Soundtrack Of My Life, The Rock and The Hard Place

I've struggled with these Soundtrack posts. I went to sleep thinking about what I'd write here and woke up with a migraine. A bad migraine. I was dreaming about freshman year of college. Everyone hated me. Not in real life, but the dream. (My therapist would say I just found another "trigger." The idea of everyone hating me... trigger. Not forgiving myself for choices I made in college that pushed people who would've and could've been close friends away... trigger. The state of my friendships now with those friends... trigger. I'm not even sure which of these scenarios set off the migraine, because I felt them all keenly upon waking up.)

So, let's dig into this a little bit and see what happens.

The Soundtrack is back. For those of you who've lost track of where we are, it's Freshman Year of College.

Ironically, Dixie left an amazing comment on my Soundtrack post (Linger) that I think will apply here. She is really wise. Check this out (bolding mine):

Hi Robin. Your experience still seems painful because the memories hold some very dear moments. I cannot begin to understand your situation then or now, but I have compassion for the memories of painful times. What we learn then, and bring forward to influence another time, gives way to more learning. That way growth never stops.

I sometimes think I was born an 'old soul'. My movement from childhood to adulthood so gradual, I simply kept walking the path before me. I anticipated love in all forms... and practiced the best way to give. Today I practice the best way to receive. Maybe that's the key to my happiness. Knowing that loving it all with few or no regrets aids my life in a peaceful walk.

Bittersweet song - maybe one day you'll be able to listen and see what someone else saw. Maybe those who wanted you to Linger but knew you couldn't. How well did they hide their sadness from you - not wanting to add to your burden? It's often difficult to love parts of our past... and yet... we can be released. You are a very sweet and sensitive person. Your past has shaped a 'you' I love.

Most sincerely, Dixie

Remember when I said I was reinventing myself in the last post, and the only thing I kept was music? Well, that didn't work out so well. Music Theory is really hard. I did okay on the written part, but everything else... not so much. Before this class, I only knew what an "F" was in theory. Music Theory made it reality. Yikes. I was crying regularly.

I was also not adjusting so well to the non-academic aspects of college, but we'll save that for the next post. I want to talk about Dixie's comment and how it fuses with my song choice for today.

Remember when I posted the Soundtrack featuring Simon and Garfunkel's song "I Am A Rock?" Well, I didn't want to be a rock or an island. And I really didn't want to cry anymore. I had this feeling... even then... that the Romance part of my life was going to be bumpy. Or just not turn out well. I can't explain the feeling, but I didn't like it. That feeling made me chase it, not only in college, but for years to come. (Let me tell you that chasing something like a "relationship," does NOT work. Just in case you were thinking of trying it for yourself.)

So, I'm coming back to my room from another disastrous episode in Music Theory (and beginning to realize that Music is also not going to "work out" for me). All I wanted was to come back to my room, climb into bed, and never come out again. Barring that, have a good cry and sleep the rest of the day.

I walk in my room and my roommmates (yes, I had two of 'em) were in the midst of a philosophical discussion. They immediately posed the question to me.

Roommate #1: Okay, we've got a question for you.

Me: (not liking the sound of this) Okay.

Roommate #2: You have to pick one or the other.

Me: (really not liking this) Alright.

Roommate #1: You marry someone and you love him more than he loves you.

Roommate #2: OR you marry someone and he loves you more than you love him.

Me Thinking, Not Speaking: Well, hell, this is my worst nightmare.

Me: Neither.

Roommate #1: Not an option.

Me: (knowing that I'm dooming myself to something actually happening in my life) The second one.

And there it was. I spoke it into power. AND I knew it as I said it. Or maybe I made it true by believing it. I don't understand these sorts of things completely. I just had the WORST feeling.

Just take a moment and think about Dixie's comment. She said:

I anticipated love in all forms... and practiced the best way to give. Today I practice the best way to receive. Maybe that's the key to my happiness. Knowing that loving it all with few or no regrets aids my life in a peaceful walk.

I anticipated love in its worst forms... and practiced the best way to accept it. I also had difficulty receiving when love flew at me in a good and true way. Yes, anticipating love. Giving love. Receiving love. I do believe these are the keys to Happiness and a peaceful walk.

Slow down, hold still
It's not as if it's a matter of will
Someone's circling, someone's moving
A little lower than the angels

And it's got nothing to do with me
The wind blows through the trees
But if I look for it, it won't come
I tense up, my mind goes numb
There's nothing harder than learning how to receive

Calm down, be still
We've got plenty of time to kill
No hand writing on the wall
Just the voice that's in us all

And you're whispering to me
Time to get up off my hands and knees
'Cause if I beg for it, it won't come
I find nothing but table crumbs
My hands are empty, God I've been naive

All I need is everything
Inside, outside, feel new skin
All I need is everything
Feel the slip and the grip of grace again

Slow down, hold still
It's not as if it's a matter of will
Someone's circling, someone's moving
A little lower than the angels

This voice calling me to you
It's just barely coming through
Still I clearly hear my name
I've been fingering the flame
Like tomorrow's martyr, it gets harder to believe

All I need is everything
Inside, outside, feel new skin
All I need is everything
Feel the slip and the grip of grace again

So from now till kingdom come
Taste the words on the tip of my tongue
'Cause we can't run truth out of town
Only force it underground
The roots grow deeper in ways we can't conceive

All I need is everything
Inside, outside, feel new skin
All I need is everything
Feel the slip and the grip of grace again

I was so far from that my freshman year (and beyond). BUT, I'm so thankful that I get it NOW. I can't change anything I did (or thought or believed) back then. I can only change my present. Have you mastered the art of giving and receiving? Have you ever spoken a truth you didn't want into power?


If you're enjoying these posts, feel free to share your own Soundtrack. This isn't a hop. No requirements at all, but a suggestion to do it one song at a time. (If you participated in the hop several years ago, you can still do this. Just post them one song at a time, with the freedom to add more songs if you'd like.) I'll link to all participants at the bottom of each of these posts:

StMcC Presents BATTLE OF THE BANDS

Cherdo on the Flipside

The Soundtrack Of My Life, Solving for "P"

This week the Soundtrack posts should roll with regularity. Onward, people, onward!

Do you remember when I wrote about that transition into high school? Everything went pretty smoothly because I was Living With Intention. I had very specific goals, along with clear ideas on how to meet them. In the end, I achieved all of them. (I think I also mentioned on that post that I peaked in terms of smarts at that time... this post illustrates that truth!)

So, I chose a college that was seven hours from home. I didn't want to know a single person there. I didn't want my parents visiting me unexpectedly. I wanted to reinvent myself. Start all over. I thought I was figuring out who "I really was." Or, to put it another way, I wanted to be someone other than who I was. Is this feeling treacherous yet? It should... (cue the spooky music)

Freshman Year.... New and Improved?

I had no idea how dangerous this was. I had no idea the consequences that would result from this reckless act. I had no idea how long the consequences would continue to manifest in my life (we're talking decades, folks). In other words, I was a woman without a clue. The most dangerous kind.

I've thought long and hard about my Life Choices in putting together this Soundtrack feature, and this choice might very well be the worst. Because it was the first. Because if not for this one, the rest might not have happened.

I deliberately chose to become a blank slate, more or less. I kept Music (as I intended to Major in that), but ditched everything else. Everything else. I was on a quest to fill holes I didn't know I had. We can call those holes The Two Ps: Pretty and Popular. In my (warped) mind, I'd achieved things in high school, but I still felt like I didn't have Value. What was missing? I didn't feel Pretty or Popular.

Ergo, the things that must make a person feel valued are... Pretty and Popular.

In some ways, I see this now as an algebra problem. I thought I had all the variables, but I didn't, so I arrived at the wrong answer, but didn't know it. In fact, all of these things were done on a subconscious level. At the time, I had no idea I was doing all of this for The Two Ps. I really thought I was looking for Me (very existential and all that...)

The problems are thus: there are no direct routes to Pretty and Popular. There are no maps. There are no clear-cut directions on achieving these things. My theory was to do the opposite of everything I did in high school, and I would run into it. What I didn't understand is that when you approach life as a blank slate, and you're ultimately looking for something (or someone) to give you value, you are not the one writing on your slate. You don't have boundaries. You are giving your power over to other people to give you Value. Worse, you are allowing other people to dictate who you become as you travel the foggy path to Pretty and Popular.

This mindset is important to understand, because this bad decision is the foundation for my adult life. If you weren't able to see how I run amok and headlong into migraines, I think it's all becoming clear now. Yep, I built my house on sand... and it eroded. Shocking.




Birdie in the hand for life's rich demand
The insurgency began and you missed it
I looked for it and I found it
Miles Standish proud, congratulate me

A philanderer's tie, a murderer's shoe
Life's rich demand creates supply in the hand
Of the powers, the only vote that matters

Silence means security, silence means approval
Watchin' Zenith on the TV, tiger run around the tree
Follow the leader, run and turn into butter

Let's begin again, begin the begin
Let's begin again like Martin Luthers in
The mythology begins the begin

Answer me a question, I can't itemize
I can't think clearly, look to me for reason
It's not there, I can't even rhyme, begin the begin

A philanderer's tie, a murderer's shoe
Example, the finest example is you

Birdie in the hand for life's rich demand
The insurgency began and you missed it
I looked for it and I found it
Miles Standish proud, congratulate me

A philanderer's tie, a murderer's shoe
Let's begin again, begin the begin
Let's begin again

Have you ever attempted to reinvent yourself? If so, how did that work out? Have you ever added up the variables but gotten the wrong answer? Have you ever made choices that caused you to "build your house" on sand? 



If you're enjoying these posts, feel free to share your own Soundtrack. This isn't a hop. No requirements at all, but a suggestion to do it one song at a time. (If you participated in the hop several years ago, you can still do this. Just post them one song at a time, with the freedom to add more songs if you'd like.) I'll link to all participants at the bottom of each of these posts:

StMcC Presents BATTLE OF THE BANDS

Cherdo on the Flipside

The Soundtrack of My Life, My Favorite Part

The votes are tallied for Battle of the Bands, and we have a winner!

The song was Wicked Game (and the BIG winner is Chris Isaak... pretty much everyone indicated that his version was THE version), but he wasn't in the running for this battle. So, how did it pan out between HIM and James Vincent McMorrow? There was a lot of voting (give yourselves a pat on the back for showing up and casting a vote!) and AT FIRST it was very close. Neck and neck. And then HIM pulled out and James Vincent McMorrow didn't even come close to catching up.

HIM: 19

James Vincent McMorrow: 8

 

I actually had difficulty with this battle. When I lined up the contestants on the 10th (the day I actually wrote this one), I was really all about the McMorrow version. It was slow and sad (just like me), but as the week wore on I went back and listened again. As I started feeling better, I appreciated the driving rhythm of HIM's version. So, surprising myself I, too, vote for HIM. Had I voted on the day of the writing, it would've gone the other way... and that just goes to show how our emotions at the time we listen influences our vote!

Moving on...

The Soundtrack of My Life is back.

This started out as this fine idea to put a few major life events to song. The more I dug, the more I realized that this was going to be a lot more than that for me. But, I want you to understand that this girl has come a long way. So many of these painful things of the past USED TO BE just as painful in the present. Now they are the guideposts I use to understand what motivated me to do (other) painful things into adulthood, without recognizing that was what I was doing. Whew. Did that make sense?

I told my therapist I was doing this Soundtrack series, and I said, "This is going to be a good opportunity to see if that crap still triggers me (read: gives me a migraine or upsets me)." So far, so good. The lousy things almost feel like they happened to someone else. So, why go there? Well, I just might stumble across something that is still raw.

Why tell you about it? Have you ever heard the phrase "speak the truth to power?" When we say something out loud that is true, even painfully true, we have spoken a truth into a place of power. In my case, I now have the ability to speak a painful truth about my past out loud to you only to see that it no longer has any power. I have the power. I've spoken the truth and taken my power back. It's akin to blowing fresh air into what was a stale, choking room.

One of my favorite albums (start to finish) is Bonnie Raitt's Luck of the Draw. And this is one of my favorite cuts off that album. It speaks directly to what I speak of here. If you sub the words "gonna fill up my heart" for "gonna give up my heart," I'd say it's perfect. It's all about speaking a truth to power with the intent of filling all those holes in your (and by your, I mean mine) heart.

Gonna get into it, babe
Down where it's tangled and dark
Way on into it, baby
Down where your fears are parked

Gonna tell the truth about it, babe
Honey, that's the hardest part
When we get through it, baby
You're gonna give up your heart

 

Gonna get into it, baby
Gonna give them demons a call, babe
Way on into it, baby
Gonna find out once and for all

Gonna get a little risky, baby
Honey, that's my favorite part
When we get through it, baby
Gonna give up our hearts
Gonna give up our hearts

Well, there's no turnin' back
No turnin' back this time
Well, there's no turnin' back
No turnin' back

No use in runnin'
It's always the same
You can count on the panic
It's the faces that change

We might have a chance
To get this love off the block
So take a deep breath
Let's look under that rock, now baby

Gonna get into it, baby
Down where it's tangled and dark, no, no, baby
Way on into it, baby
Down where your fears are parked

Gonna tell the truth about it, baby
Honey, that's the hardest part
When we get through it, baby
You're gonna give up

If we get through it, baby
You're gonna give up, you're gonna give up
When we get through it, baby
You're gonna give up your heart

Gonna give up your heart
Gonna give up your heart
Ooh babe, gonna give up
You're gonna give up, you're gonna give up
Gonna give up, gonna give up your heart

Hey baby, gonna give up, gonna give up
Gonna give up, gonna give up
Gonna give up your heart

Can you think of a time that you spoke the truth to power? Do you ever use your blog to speak the truth to power? Have you noticed that when you write or say something it becomes more true (for you)?


If you're enjoying these posts, feel free to share your own Soundtrack. This isn't a hop. No requirements at all, but a suggestion to do it one song at a time. (If you participated in the hop several years ago, you can still do this. Just post them one song at a time, with the freedom to add more songs if you'd like.) I'll link to all participants at the bottom of each of these posts:

StMcC Presents BATTLE OF THE BANDS

Cherdo on the Flipside

The Soundtrack of My Life, Could We Start Again Please?

If you didn't vote in Battle of the Bands, go back one post. The Soundtrack of My Life is here again.

This is the last thing I'll be posting from my high school years. Whew. I know. What a relief!

I started going to summer camp the summer before 7th grade. I loved it. At first, I attended one week of the summer and eventually went as long as they were open for business (four-five weeks). Camp was a place that spiritually grounded me (and I needed grounding!). I loved the experience so much I participated in their CILT (Camper In Leadership Training) Program. I graduated CILT the summer between my junior and senior years of high school.

Holy freakin' moly, but that was a hard summer. The worst part was that I simply did not see it coming. I was excited about it before I got to camp. Within a few days, the reality hit me... these were the last two weeks I'd be a camper. Ever. As in Forever. In two very short weeks I was going to be the "adult," the counselor, the leader, the person who guided others and made sure they had a good week at camp. Meanwhile, most of my camp friends were going to be way up on the hill in the A-frame house I'd learned to call "home" having the summer of their lives. Without me.

Have you thought about your transition into adulthood? I think for most of us it comes rather slowly. We finish high school, maybe college or tech school, get a job, and one morning we wake up and realize that we are independent. On our own. Making a paycheck, paying bills, "living the dream." In other words, it happens silently and almost without notice. So silently it's painless.

My summer was the Opposite of that.

I took a hard right turn into Adulthood and had two weeks to accept it. (Yeah, that didn't go very well.)

We always sang a lot at camp. After breakfast. After lunch. After dinner. Around the campfire. Singing was a big part of our lives. I recognize, in hindsight, that all of that music probably was one of the reasons I loved camp as much as I did. For a girl with a song in her heart, is there a better place to be????

That summer the Theme song, which we sang at least once a day, was Linger. That can't have been coincidence. God was laughing at me. I swear that must be true. I bawled my eyes out in front of the entire camp at least twice a day. All the way through that song. Every. Single. Time. It was truly humiliating when I was the counselor. My mother says I ruined my contact lenses that summer. I believe it. I cried all summer long. I was grieving. Grieving my childhood. Grieving that rite of passage into adulthood... a place I thought I wanted to go, but when faced with it... not so much.

What I learned that summer... you can want to linger, but life always moves forward. Adulthood is waiting for you (and will grab you) whether you're ready or not.




Did you slip into adulthood without noticing, or did it crash into you like a train?

Soundtrack and Battle of the Bands ~ Wicked Game

My Soundtrack posts are doing a sideways crash into Battle of the Bands. I'm jumping way into the future and pulling out an important person simply because it is crushing me in the present.

I'm writing this on Sunday, the 10th, and my heart is overflowing with sadness. I know that you won't understand this yet (but you will, because we are getting there in my Soundtrack posts), and that is a No Holds Barred Sort of Ride revealing everything from the beautiful to the tragic in my life.

Back in 2010, while still very much trying to sort out my life and some pretty crappy things that happened, I know I wrote about a man on this blog. I called him Right Guy, and later Mr. Electric. Since I had about 15 followers then (and maybe 3 of them still read this blog), I'm willing to bet NO ONE recalls him. That's okay. I'll get there with my Soundtrack story. However, if you want to have a better sense of who he was to me you can READ THIS.

I now will call him Jack (because that's his name). I loved him. There was a time when I thought it would work out for us. You know, in that Forever sort of way. And he loved me, too. But, we were both so damaged by the time we got together. So, instead of healing one another, in the end we inflicted more damage. Over the years, we reconnected several times, and each time I'd hope that this time it would be different. But it never was. So, I just tried to let it go and let it be. (I don't think that strategy ever really worked for either of us or these reconnects wouldn't have kept happening.)

I heard from him again last year in November. We talked on the phone for over three hours and FINALLY said all the things we didn't say before. Apologized for the hurts caused by the not saying and active doing.

It turned out that now he was walking a tough road, one I knew plenty well. He was pretty much where I was at when we got together the first time (life is one gigantic karmic circle it would seem). It didn't take me long to figure out that he had about as much to offer in November as I had in 2005-6. So, I emotionally released (again) and prayed that when he got himself together (hopefully he would do it sooner than I did), maybe the timing would finally be right.

In a moment of weakness, I called his cell phone a couple weeks ago. The number was disconnected. I was and wasn't surprised. He was mired in financial problems when we talked (which had him feeling trapped and down). Today I checked his Facebook page, hoping he'd posted things indicating he was getting his life together.

Following the comment thread on his page, I read that he killed himself on December 28. (He was bipolar and I know he had difficulty reconciling himself to taking the medication. I suspect that he quit and when the depression set in it was just too much.)

December 28. Pretty much a month after we had that amazing conversation in which we forgave each other and ourselves for everything that happened in the past. He was a bright light to so many people, but never could fill that hole inside himself. I'd always hoped that when we filled our own holes we would be able to finally make it work. Now I know that will never happen. It feels so wrong. And unfair. Just plain tragic. But, I'm so thankful for that phone call. If not for that, this whole thing would be absolutely untenable.

As it is, it's a wicked game. (This love is only gonna break your heart.)

This is a picture he took of me on our second date. December 31, 2005.

If you want to hear the original by Chris Isaak, which is undoubtedly the BEST version of this song, click HERE. I encourage you all to listen to it because it is the Soundtrack Post Song I would use. However, you can't vote on it in this BoTB.

The first version you can vote for in this battle is by HIM:

Versus

The second version is by James Vincent McMorrow:



I don't expect you to grapple with trying to find *something* to say that will make me feel better about Jack killing himself. Or dying. Or any of it really. I know that we all lose people we love. If you feel compelled to share any part of your story, well that would be okay. No matter how alone we think we are in our experience... we aren't.

Also, please vote for the version of this song you prefer. If you want to get into the Ins and Outs of why you like one better than the other... I LOVE long comments!

For more Battle of the Bands fun, check out the other BOTB bloggers to vote on their battles:

• Far Away Series
• Stephen T. McCarthy's Battle of the Bands Blog
• Tossing it Out
• DiscConnected (temporarily disconnected from BoTB)
• This Belle Rocks
• Mike's Ramblings
• Curious as a Cathy 
• Book Lover
• The Sound of One Hand Typing
• dcrelief ~ Battle of the Bands 
• Shady Dell Music & Memories 
• Cherdo on the Flipside 
• Angels Bark 
• THE DOGLADY'S DEN
• Alex J. Cavanaugh (sometimes)

If you are participating in Battle of the Bands, and you are not listed here, leave me a note in the comments. Thanks!

The Soundtrack Of My Life, Me, Myself, and I

Welcome to another post from The Soundtrack of My Life.

At last post, things are looking good in high school, no?

All of the things I knew I wanted (and had specific ideas on how to achieve them) happened.

Did you see the movie Constantine? (I really like this movie if you haven't watched it!) One of the (many) things I loved: There's always a catch.




So, what's the catch?

I really wanted a boyfriend. In fact, I felt tremendous pressure about the whole thing. My dad's mother quizzed me on it every visit. And if it wasn't a quiz, it was the comments thrown out as hooks, "I bet you're beating the boys off the porch."

Nope. No boys. No porch incidents. (Unpretty remember? Oh, the things we think we leave behind, want to leave behind, and Look! There they are!)

There was, in point of fact, one cute boy my senior year. When the reality of dating collided with the theory of dating, I panicked and broke up with him. Real mature I know. (I'm laughing to myself right now.) There were several truths at work here. The false truth that I wasn't really pretty, kind, or good enough to have a boyfriend. The actual truth that I had NO CLUE what to do with a boyfriend. (And that has somehow remained true... hmm.)

Anyway, for all of the amazing, excellent, wonderful things manifesting in my life... I felt very alone. It was an aloneness that actually extended beyond my lack of a boyfriend. There is aloneness that exists in which you feel like no one will ever really understand you. That kind of alone. I didn't even have words to express that feeling until THIS SONG.

Some friends of mine loved this duo and gave me a mix tape of their songs. As a child of the 80s, it was NEW to me. And wonderful. I have no words for how much I loved them then (and now). I bought their record (yes, I said record) Sounds of Silence and listened to it constantly. But, it was the last song on Side B that stabbed me where I stood. Or in my case, at least most of the time, laid. The song before it was We've Got A Groovy Thing Goin'. That song made me dance around my room singing into my hairbrush (if you've not done this, you are so missing out!). But then THIS SONG came on and I just dropped onto my bed. When it was over, I would pick up the needle and play it again. And again. And again. I can still remember my mother yelling from another room in our house, "Robin, please play something else. I can't stand it any longer."

It was like a mix tape wherein all of Side A was THIS SONG. (Yeah, I'm looking at you, Stephen T. McCarthy.)



Have you ever felt that no one would ever really get you?  


If you're enjoying these posts, feel free to share your own Soundtrack. This isn't a hop. No requirements at all, but a suggestion to do it one song at a time. (If you participated in the hop several years ago, you can still do this. Just post them one song at a time, with the freedom to add more songs if you'd like.) I'll link to all participants at the bottom of each of these posts:

StMcC Presents BATTLE OF THE BANDS

Cherdo on the flipside

The Soundtrack of My Life, The Little Train That Could

Last Friday featured an Aha Moment! replete with the taste of victory. The party isn't over this week.

I went into high school with very specific intentions. (Please note that I think Life works better when we direct our energy with Intention.)

1) Maintain a 4.0 GPA
2) Sing with Girls Glee in 10th grade, Girls Glee and Concert Choir 11th grade, and Concert Choir and Swing Choir (a select group requiring audition and the pinnacle of the singing possibilities at my high school) 12th grade. (To do this I NEVER had a lunch period for the last three years of my high school "career.")
3) Take Drama class, Audition for and Be in Plays (2 a year), and in 12th grade be in the Select Ensemble (another audition group)

How did all of that living with intention work out?

I graduated with a 4.0 GPA.

I surprised myself by getting a lead role in the play Up The Down Staircase my junior year. Two leads my senior year.

I was a part of the Select Ensemble my senior year and the Swing Choir.

That hottie in the yellow boots is me (Mammy Yokum). I has spoken!

The aspects of my life that I focused on with intention ALL happened. I also became friends with many people I went to junior high school with (the richies) because they shared similar goals. Instead of being divided over economic difference, we were united in achieving goals. So, I got along with the smart kids, the drama kids, and the choir kids. Quite frankly, I didn't know how good I had it (or that living with Intention is the key to making your dreams come true). It's somewhat sad that I peaked in "smarts" after the 12th grade... Just sayin'.

Since I loved the show Fame and this song sums up my feelings about this time period, it's only fitting. I can do anything better than you can! Just stand aside and watch me fly!




Have you ever noticed that when you live with Intention you are the driver of your car, the captain of your ship, the shaper of your destiny? When you live with Intention, anything is possible!


If you're enjoying these posts, feel free to share your own Soundtrack. This isn't a hop. No requirements at all, but a suggestion to do it one song at a time. (If you participated in the hop several years ago, you can still do this. Just post them one song at a time, with the freedom to add more songs if you'd like.) I'll link to all participants at the bottom of each of these posts:

StMcC Presents BATTLE OF THE BANDS

The Soundtrack Of My Life, The Buck Stops Here

Well, it's been busy in here. Battle of the Bands. Insecure Writer's Support Group. All the while, I've maintained my Soundtrack posts.

However, I owe you some Battle of the Bands results before we get on to our Soundtrack post for today. The song was I Still Believe. The challengers were The Call vs. Tim Cappello.

The Call: 6

Tim Cappello: 17

 As you can see, the version from the Lost Boys won this one handily. All 6 of you who voted for The Call... THANK YOU. Not just for preventing a shut-out, but for giving the nod to a version of the song that meant so much to me. So, obviously, my vote, though it makes no difference, is for The Call. I simply cannot vote against a song that was so powerful in my youth. This song really helped me through some of those Dark Nights of the Soul. I appreciate the TC version (and like it). I dig the sax and understand why so many of you chose it. But it wasn't  the version of the song that kept my head above water in a difficult time.

Now, let's move on to a GOOD high school story. Yeah, you read that correctly... a good high school story.

I went to one of four junior high schools that fed into one high school. So many problems in junior high were magnified by the economic disparity between the low income kids and the richest kids in town. That all changed in high school. The other three junior highs rounded out the economic situation so that those rich kids now made up approximately 15% of the student body (as opposed to 55% or more of the junior high student body). Instead of money being the thing that divided and conquered, kids now were more inclined to choose their friends based on mutual interests. 

It was a whole new ballgame.

Though I didn't know that YET. 

Date: 1st day of 10th grade

Time: Before school started

Place: Outside looking for home room

My high school was so large that it was laid out college campus style. There were many buildings all labeled by letter. To a new person, it was all very overwhelming and confusing. 

So there I am walking along looking for E building (just passed C and D, respectively) and anticipate that E will be the next one. Out of the blue, my bully (the girl who threatened to pour juice on my head in home economics... you gotta remember her... she was the one who told me I was "nobody in that school") comes up alongside me and starts talking to me. Yep, talking. Not ridiculing, mocking, berating or threatening. Talking. Nervous talking about the buildings. I think she said something like, "Do you know where you're going?" But I can't say for certain because I went into shock. 

Then it dawned on me: My last name began with "R" and hers with "S." That biotch was lost and thought I could help her get to her homeroom. Not only was she lost, but she was lost, scared, and holy freakin' moly... INSECURE.

Since I felt fairly confident about the location of E building, a myriad of things hit me simultaneously. 1) She's not very bright, 2) She's afraid and insecure, 3) She thinks I'm pretty damn smart.

And I looked at her differently in that moment. And she saw me look at her differently. And we both knew that she would never bully me again (and she didn't). I knew her secret. She was more insecure than I was and not half as smart. 

I really wish I'd known that three years previously. But I thanked the Good Lord I knew it that first day. It changed everything for me. I entered E building with a bounce in my step that no one could take away.

It tasted like freedom. Sweet, sweet freedom.




Did you ever have a light bulb moment in high school? When did you realize that bullies are just tiny, scared people trying to make themselves feel big by making you feel small?

If you're enjoying these posts, feel free to share your own Soundtrack. This isn't a hop. No requirements at all, but a suggestion to do it one song at a time. (If you participated in the hop several years ago, you can still do this. Just post them one song at a time, with the freedom to add more songs if you'd like.) I'll link to all participants at the bottom of each of these posts:

StMcC Presents BATTLE OF THE BANDS

Soundtrack Meets IWSG

Oh dear. It's happened again. The Soundtrack of My Life just crashed into something.

Moving merrily along, minding its own business when...

It ran into this...

A once a month hop in which writers share their insecurities.

Since the soundtrack thus far has mostly been about insecurity, you'd have thought I could've saved just one more post for this joint endeavor.

It turns out the next post in my Soundtrack feature happened in the 8th grade. Jennifer The First, Jenny, and I auditioned for a community theatre production (a pretty big deal for a group of 8th grade girls). I'm fairly certain that I had no idea the level of impact this one play would have on me. Yeah, I can say with certainty that I did NOT.

What was this play? Jesus Christ Superstar.

The obvious impact was that being in it cemented my love for the theatre in general, musicals as a whole. The not-so obvious impact was that it made me take the story of Jesus and truly understand (Listen with your ears if you have them!) that the life of Jesus was real. Not just a story. Quite suddenly, these people came very much alive for me. I'd never considered what it was like to actually live it. To be Jesus. To be Peter.  To be Mary (both of them). To be Judas. Even to be Pilate. I didn't understand what they were up against (an oppressed people) heavily regulated by Rome and even the priests' interpretation of the OT. Life was hard. And scary. And Jesus rocked the boat big-time, making it even scarier.

As we moved from rehearsing portions of the play into doing the whole thing at once, I found myself getting chills from the start (it began with Judas singing Heaven On Their Minds). When Judas killed himself, I began crying. Every. Single. Time. And continued crying through the crucifixion of Jesus. Pretty much cried to the end. Turns out that was okay since the people on stage were sad, mourning the loss of Jesus. And then when he rose again, they were so happy that crying was still acceptable. 

I think it's safe to say that this play caused me to look at Jesus, and all of the people who were part of his life, in a whole new way (life changing stuff, indeed!).

I never thought of Judas as anything other than the betrayer before this musical. That was who he was, but not all of who he was. He was chosen. He was one of the disciples. He left everything, like the rest, to follow Jesus. Things got really hot in the kitchen, so to speak, and Jesus wasn't doing what any of them expected. It got scary. I'm not sure that this song gets it all precisely right from the perspective of Judas, but it certainly provides food for thought.



Have you seen Jesus Christ Superstar? Did it make you consider the "players" in a different light?

How does this relate to the IWSG? As writers, we struggle to breathe life and relatability into our stories. We want people to laugh and cry with our characters. We want them to finish and feel like they were real. It's something I struggle with in my WiP and maybe you struggle with in yours. Maybe the answer to achieving this is to look at our characters in a new way. Write a song for them. Keep a journal for them. When they become real to you, they can become real to your reader.

Many thanks to Alex J. Cavanaugh and the "minions" who help this event run smoothly every month!

What sort of exercises do you do to make your characters come alive?

If you're enjoying these posts, feel free to share your own Soundtrack. This isn't a hop. No requirements at all, but a suggestion to do it one song at a time. (If you participated in the hop several years ago, you can still do this. Just post them one song at a time, with the freedom to add more songs if you'd like.) I'll link to all participants at the bottom of each of these posts:

StMcC Presents BATTLE OF THE BANDS

Soundtrack Smacks Into Battle of the Bands ~ I Still Believe

I'm fully immersed in The Soundtrack of My Life. Wasn't sure how that would work out when it clashed with Battle of the Bands.

Screech.

Kaboom.

Well, it turns out that the only thing required was some juggling. Those of you following this chronological jaunt through my life set to music are going to have to move forward in time and then back again. Why? I have one more song for junior high and then we're outta there. But not today. Today we're skipping ahead to my senior year in high school, though this song is reflective of my entire junior high - high school experience, so I think it's mostly okay to insert it here.

The Soundtrack Part of this post: This song got a lot of play my senior year. I distinctly remember playing it on repeat the hours before high school graduation. It was as if I were reminding myself that I did still believe. This experience did not break me. I'm okay. God loves me. Ergo, it's all fine. Of course, God did love me, but I wasn't all that fine. It would've been better if I could've used the transformative power of God's love and Jesus's sacrifice to find a way to love myself. If so, you might be listening to Whitney Houston's The Greatest Love Of All right now. Instead, you get this. But, even though I wasn't able to really love myself, I did believe. I did have hope it would get better. I was pretty sure it wasn't going to kill me. Turns out I was right about that:)

This is the version that rocked my boom box. It's by an alt rock band called The Call. I had no idea that there was another version out there (until very recently). I'll talk about it in a second. Let's give this a listen.

So, while compiling songs for The Soundtrack of My Life I see that there is another pretty big (as in notable) version of this song. It was made popular by a little ole movie you've probably not heard of called The Lost Boys. (she snickers to herself hoping that *anyone* gets the understated sarcasm of that comment) Frankly, I'm surprised that I've never heard it until now. I've written on this blog about the phenomena of MTV, music, movies, and movie soundtracks back when I doing my Inspirational Song Posts. I'll break it down for you very quickly. In the 80s, MTV, the radio, the movie industry... it was a trifecta. They all worked together to make a song go viral. Postal. #1. Chartbreaker. Now, I think I've not heard the Tim Cappello version because it wasn't released, so it didn't ride this tremendous wave to number one. However, that was a big movie and soundtrack, so I bet some of you will have heard this version before.

It's not all that different from the version by The Call, but there are differences. So, put on your listening ears, friends. Here we go...




What did you hold on to in order to get through the trauma of junior high and high school?


For more Battle of the Bands fun, check out the other BOTB bloggers to vote on their battles:

• Far Away Series
• Stephen T. McCarthy's Battle of the Bands Blog
• Tossing it Out
• DiscConnected 
• This Belle Rocks
• Mike's Ramblings
• Curious as a Cathy 
• Book Lover
• The Sound of One Hand Typing
• dcrelief ~ Battle of the Bands 
• Shady Dell Music & Memories
• Alex J. Cavanaugh (sometimes)

If you are participating in Battle of the Bands, and you are not listed here, leave me a note in the comments. Thanks!

Now, is the critical moment. It is time to vote for your favorite version of this song. I even encourage you to leave me long comment explaining all the ins and outs of why you voted as you did!