In turn, that made me think about the post itself. If you missed it, you can read it here. This post won't make all that much sense if you don't...
My father always used to say that anger wasn't a valid emotion. Why do I remember this? Because every time I was "mad" about something he would say that I needed to dig a little deeper. Mad wasn't valid. It was just the veneer covering up something else. Naturally. More often than not, that something else was hurt feelings. You could always dig a little deeper to get to the whys and wherefores, but that was usually the crux of the matter. Funny (or not) how often we had that little conversation. All depends upon your perspective, I suppose.
After so many years of H-Girl hurting my feelings I had built up immunity. I went into this Christmas EXPECTING her to do it. And she didn't. In fact, she surprised me by being the opposite of what I expected. I didn't expect C-Man to do it and he did and I got mad. In fact, I got really mad. It isn't that I love him more. I don't. I just don't have an immunity built up. And the more you love people, the more you give them the power to hurt you. No one can hurt you without your consent.
And it was like I said in the blog explaining what those gifts were: they were ME. Many of those things were what I treasured most when I was their age. And still do. They are actually parts of ME. And they were mocked, scorned, ridiculed, and laughed at like they were nothing. Actually less than nothing. So, yeah it hurt.
And Miss Liza might be right that one day C-Man might understand what those things meant to me. But, right now he can't even keep up with where his cell phone is. So, I don't hold much hope of his being able to actually find any of these items when the awareness sinks into his brain, if it ever does. The books will likely be in a library, Goodwill, or the local landfill. And all of the cartoons that I painstakingly cut out will definitely be lining a trash can. And the quote that I so painstakingly wrote out in calligraphy... who knows where it will be? However, I highly doubt C-Man's ability to be able to find it when "the light" comes on.
I made a judgment call here. C-Man is 15. H-Girl is 14. I was at a place where I didn't have much to give for Christmas but me, and that is what I did. I was counting on them being mature enough to understand what they were being given. I asked a bit more of C-Man. He was older and had exhibited more maturity to date. I made the wrong call. So, maybe the fault lies with me. The treasures were mine. I am the adult. I could have just said that there will be no gifts this year and made that call. It wouldn't have made me the most popular, but there are all kinds of lessons. They would have still gotten the stuff. I would have just saved it for a time when they were equipped to appreciate it. Of course, that would have denied H-Girl her opportunity to shine. And she hasn't done that in a really long time.
Seems to me this is another round of Lessons. Maybe we all had to take one for the team in order for H-Girl to shine on this one.
image found on facebook
taking one for the team is a very unselfish act that some aren't willing to do. C- girl is lucky :)
ReplyDeleteTaking one for the team is never fun. Lessons are never fun. Seeing H-Girl shine was really quite glorious, though. So there was a reward there.
DeleteI wonder if you internalize emotions like I have always done. I think sometimes we don't say anything because we are afraid it will come out wrong. When a relationship could be affected we do tend to take one for the team but then the stress level goes up because we keep rehearsing what could have/should have/might have been different had we been able to voice how we felt at the time. I have never wanted people to see me cry but sometimes they might need to see the hurt they cause. Thinking out loud ----- Keep calm and carry on.
ReplyDeleteWell, I think I internalized a lot of stuff that I dumped out on this blog. Fortunately, that allowed me to work through it. That is why I called this blog Therapy right from Go. I think we all have a lot of internal work to do. And, in some ways, this is an excellent forum to do it in. I don't actually know most of my followers, so their opinions are unbiased. They often have very interesting insights. I think that we are all just trying to do better each day. Whatever that means for each person...
DeleteI repeat my response.
ReplyDeleteNoted:)
DeleteHere's the reverse of your situation. I stayed with an abusive man until my daughter was out and able to take care of herself. I made sure she was protected from his anger and hurtful comments. SO, at the age of 30, she became daddy's little girl and I was the "bitch, out of their lives".
ReplyDeleteCome holidays or mother's day, I either receive nothing, or I receive something she has and doesn't care for any more.
If you CAN'T give, make it known. If you ARE going to give, make it something the person would like, not something YOU once liked.
Does that make sense? And most of all, I hate the way holidays become competitions for "who loves ya, baby".
First, your advice about gift-giving is sound. Of course, when I rounded up all the books, I *thought* C-Man would like them because he used to be an avid reader. He went from loving to read to not loving to read in the blink of an eye. I just missed the blink. My bad. So, when I was doing the rounding up of the stuff I thought it was a good gift. Turns out I was wrong. I just didn't know it until it was too late. I also chose books I thought he would like mixed in with books that had personal meaning for me. I thought he would appreciate the nuance of *both.*
DeleteAnd I didn't even try to compete in the MONEY game. There were too many horses in that race. If love boils down to who spends the most then I have already lost. I am not playing.
I want them to know that I love them. Period. I am the keeper of their childhood memories. I am the person who was there. I am the person who will be there if they need me. This is a hard lesson and may take a few years. But what it all boils down to is who really believes in you and who will show up. Even though I live 5 hours away, I am only a phone call away.
I can't tell you how much your story breaks my heart. I have to believe that it won't end this way. Karma is a bitch. Abusers break everything. They simply cannot help it. And while your daughter sees her father through rose colored glasses right now, he will f@ck it up. Why? Because he won't be able to help himself. Start praying that he becomes transparent like glass. All the time. And I will pray it, too. Ask everyone you know to pray it. Soon she will see him for exactly who he is. I call it the Transparency Prayer and I pray it on all Abusers, Manipulators, Liars, etc.
P.S. I too, moved 800 miles to Florida to get physically away from the pain. But mentally and emotionally? Distance doesn't help.
ReplyDeleteI was somewhat excited about the Christmas holidays until I learned that my daughter had been fired from her job for supposedly selling drugs over the counter of the bar where she worked.
ReplyDeleteTalk about flat-lining a Joyous Mood...
*sighs*
~shoes~
Oh Shoes. Kids have an amazing capacity for breaking your heart. I know how much you worry about both of yours (at differing times). I am beginning to think that the job of a parent just never ends. Hoping, wishing, and PRAYING that your daughter turns this around.
Delete((Hugs))
Shoes- While I do not know you, please know that there are so many of us who have suffered the hurt of having someone we love do awful and self destructive things that hurt everyone around them so deeply. Here's hoping that you find a better tomorrow...
DeleteYou did give from the heart. Just a shame it bounced off their hearts.
ReplyDeleteOh boy, that dog looks like it got itself in quite a situation... Makes me feel good about my little troubles ;-)
ReplyDeleteRobin- You already know how much I feel for you in this situation. It kills me to see how the hurt just spreads for years and years. Hopefully soon you will see some real fruits of your labors with the kids.
ReplyDeleteThe fact that H-girl showed some maturity is great.
The double edged sword of how C-man behaved is not great.
I love your idea of praying for transparency. That is so good! I know lots of people I can pray this for, so I'll be joining you on this one. ;)
The fault is not yours. You gave what you had, and you gave what was most precious - you. You couldn't not give anything - that would be un-you, generous heart and soul that you are. In time, will he appreciate the gifts (all of them, not just this year's batch, and not just physical things)? We can always hope. Some lessons need time to blossom ....
ReplyDelete