Camp Address and Objects In Motion

Just wanted to share a few things with you before I leave on my big summer adventure.

• Tomorrow I leave for Georgia to pick up C-Man. We'll leave for OH on Thursday morning to spend some time with the family before we have to be at camp. The staff training begins on July 6. After that, it all kicks into high gear or low gear, depending on your interpretation of gears, and we'll be at camp until August  6. I'll be back home about a week (maybe less) later. 
• If you are a praying person, my ex's daughter needs prayer. Long story short: she's 17 and decided to leave home. As someone else who has left her father, I can in some ways understand this decision, but she simply isn't equipped to face life despite her (mistaken) belief that she is. She's living with a friend, is determined not to finish high school, and thinks life will just present her with good things. I'm not really certain how she sees this all going down. My prayer is that someone says "the thing" that provides some much-needed perspective.
• On a personal note, my therapist says that we've done so much work toward battling my migraines, etc. that maybe, just maybe, the biggest thing holding me in this place (or maybe cycle is a better word) of unwellness is lack of purpose. That has been serious food for thought in this ole brain and inspired several pivotal events that I'll tell you about after I get back. Perhaps, I'll have a better context for them. In any event, I wonder if she's right. I ask you, dear readers, do you think it's possible for someone to feel so overwhelmed by life and drowned by their lack of  a place in it that it makes them physically sick? I suspect that the answer may be "yes," and that the only course of action that will lead to wellness is movement. That old adage about all journeys beginning with a single step comes to mind. After all, the only way to get to your purpose is to start moving. You will either feel closer to it or further away. I've already determined that standing still is migraine-inducing. 
• If you're thinking that all of this seems fairly obvious, and you sure thought I was smarter than this... sorry to disappoint. 

I'm going to leave you with two things. One is the camp address, so you can write me. I will write you back if you include your address:)

Robin Richards aka Mergan

Stony Glen Camp
5300 W. Loveland Rd
Madison, OH 44057

I'm also going to leave you with a song for your listening enjoyment. This is one that C-Man sent to me a while back. I really like it. Every time I listen to it I can't help but smile. Smile on...

Biting The Bullet

I used to post bullet point blogs frequently. When my brain felt jumbled that seemed the logical way to sort it all out. I haven't written one in a while. Am I less jumbled? Well, not today. So, here we go...

• My mom bought some Red, White, and Blue decorations for Memorial Day. They will probably hang until July 4, but that is A-Okay. We are NOT big decorators here, so I am talking about a plaque for the door and a wind sock, just in case you were picturing yard decorations and lights.
• At dinner over a week ago, right after mom put the wind sock up, she said to me, "When I came home the wind sock was hanging off the roof, like it was holding on by its fingernails." That struck me as very funny. As in ironic funny. Do you ever have moments, hours, days, months when you feel like the entire country (maybe the world) is holding on by its fingernails?

• That night I took the photograph above and then pulled the wind sock down.

• It clung to the gutter. A bit of water caught its legs. As I yanked it down it occurred to me that maybe that is all it takes... people with initiative giving a good yank.
• Last week, Jasmine's What If Wednesday question was this: What is your wildest dream? I wrote an extremely lengthy comment only to arrive at the conclusion that I have discarded my wildest dreams as I have journeyed through this migraine-filled existence. Perhaps the thing now holding me back from complete recovery is the lack of a dream. If you have nothing to reach for, aspire to, aim at... what are you?
• I think I wrote here before that we can live more easily without hope than purpose. Purpose will keep us moving forward even when hope is gone. Or hanging by its fingernails.
• Writing my novel gave me purpose. 
• Revisions plague me.
• The thought crept in (and continues to linger) that I am just not good enough of a writer to keep working at this project. What is the point? I read recently at Writer Unboxed that the writers who succeed aren't necessarily the most talented. They are the ones that don't give up. They get better by continuing to write and rework their story until it is good.
• Is writing my wildest dream?
• For years, my wildest dream was, after I found my way back to health, helping people who fell through the floor. I envisioned a website, houses, and creating an organization that didn't just offer a hand out but a help up. 
• The problem? People with chronic pain and no tissue disorder suffer from emotional pain. 20% of the afflicted accept that diagnosis and get better. 80% insist on a surgery, pill, or Anything Else. 
• The truth is that people don't want to clean out their emotional garbage. It is stinky and painful and HURTS to root around in that particular trash bin. Plus, it *seems* incomprehensible that broken relationships and/or emotional pain of any kind could result in very real physical pain.
• On my HERE'S TO YOU post, Stephen T. McCarthy wrote in the comments that God spoke to him via his Inner Voice that morning. I know just what he was saying because that has happened to me. Back in 2008 God spoke to me one morning and told me that every single thing I was going through happened for a reason. It was the catalyst that would bring me to a career that would bring me more joy than I could possibly imagine. So, I needed to start meeting this journey with acceptance, rather than resistance.
• I have been so-so with the acceptance vs. resistance concept. But, I BELIEVED that God had a Purpose for me. One that would bring me joy beyond my imaginings. Not long after My Idea (sound byted above) began to form.
• Since Jasmine's blog and Stephen's comment I have been thinking a lot about my wildest dream and what God whispered into my ear. And I ask myself, "How can I help people who don't want to be helped?"
• The answer became obvious. I can't. But, there are 20% who will say Yes. So, I need to spend some mental energy figuring out how to help that 20%.
• And I want to spend time writing my novel. No, I don't think it is the Great Giver of Joy that God talked about, but I LIKE it. I will only improve with practice.
• .... and that all leads to less time spent blogging. I can't spend hours every single day reading blogs and still accomplish these things. But if I stop doing that, the chances of my putting together weekly HERE'S TO YOU posts dwindles into impossibility. 
• While HERE'S TO YOU gives me tremendous joy, I don't think it is what God was talking about either. And if subverting My Wildest Dream keeps me stuck in the land of migraines... this cannot be a good thing.
• For a LONG TIME blogging gave me Purpose and I am beyond thankful that I started this site and met all of you. You are blessings.
• In the name of pinpointing my Wildest Dream and my Purpose, I am not going to read daily. I will become more hit and miss with commenting. HERE'S TO YOU won't be weekly. It will be Whenever I Can Pull a Post Together. 
• However, I am not disappearing. I am just going to better manage my time.
• Like the wind sock, I was stuck. I am yanking myself down in an effort to be free and find my own flow with nature. As I write this, I see the wind lifting it and blowing through it. If a wind sock can be happy, I think mine is. It is fulfilling its Purpose.
• I want to be like the wind sock.

Are you striving to live your Wildest Dreams? Are you willing to set aside or cut back on things that you enjoy to make it happen?

Getting Found and Reflections

Did you participate in the A to Z? Have you ever participated in the A to Z?

If you read my "Z" post, you know that back when I started blogging in 2010, I was a wreck. My whole world revolved around pain medication and trying to hold on to my sanity. My migraines raged so badly that I couldn't see anything but THAT. Who I used to be (pre-migraines) was so far in my rear view that I couldn't remember that person and the future was looking too much like the present. I couldn't see this version of me, the person I am now becoming. It was too far out of my field of vision.

The worst part was that I felt useless. Without purpose. We think that we need hope to survive. I would argue that we do not. What we need is purpose. I didn't have ANY hope back then that my life would change even remotely for the better. Blogging gave me Purpose. Purpose sustained me. Each day I typed out a blog bit hoping that I would find myself. I knew that I was lost in a place called Desolation. Did it matter that the writing I was doing was read by so few people? No. Eight or nine people (and eventually more) faithfully read what I was writing and it was enough. Even when no one read this blog, I still had a Purpose. I needed a reason to get out of bed every day. Blogging was the string that kept me and my sanity within spitting distance of one another.

Since I started that journey back in 2010 my motivations changed several times. Blogging started out as a Purpose. When I started writing my first WiP (now in the drawer) I discovered other writers, agents, and more on here. It felt like coincidence... because I still do not understand how it happened. I found one writer's blog and it led me to the rest. I learned so much about the craft to improve my writing and how to submit all of that Writer Goodness to an agent. Then, totally disheartened, I shelved my WiP and deleted some of those sites. Ha! Have you ever done that??? I am still no good at "finding" blogs on here. I stumble into them or they find me. 

I remember when I found Alex Cavanaugh's blog. Yeah, the guy is EVERYWHERE and it took me years to ferret out his blog. This is what I am SAYING (about me). I followed. He followed back. He left me good comments and encouraged me to start on another WiP. I mentally scoffed. I could faintly hear Buddy Holly in the background crooning "That'll Be The Day." And then I found so many of the rest of you. Or you found me. Again, not sure how that works. And I kept stumbling into more writer sites, agent sites... AGAIN. And that desire to write surged once more. I launched into another journey of writing.

I decided to help all of you with my A to Z Theme this year by showcasing some of my favorite blogs.... so that you could find them. So many of you did. You read, you liked, you clicked over to their blog, and you followed. I learned that even while I like-love all of the blogs I featured during this to A to Z, some of you didn't. And that is okay. I can still hear my nanny in my head saying to me, "Why aren't you eating that?" I would say nothing because the truth was I didn't like it, but didn't want to hurt her feelings. She continued, "You like what I like. Now eat it." I approached this A to Z kinda like that. I thought all of you would like what I like,would want dessert, and more. Turns out that you like some of what I like.

I participated in the A to Z to find and get found. I consider this year a success. I found a handful of blogs that I enjoy very much and am now following. And I picked up a handful of new readers. I am blogging because I like it. Blogging now means connection and support and friends. Yes, I consider some of you wonderful friends that I would miss so very much if you quit or I quit. It no longer is the string keeping me in touch with my sanity. That is how far I've come.

How about you? What did you find during the month of April?

This post is Reflections on The A to Z. Yes, it is part of a bloghop.  You can sign up Here to participate or read the links.

It's Got A Name Now

I just got test results back that should be soul crushing. The doctor gave them to me not knowing that I would get on the web and research and research and research. And the more I researched the worse the news would be. The irony is that I am not feeling remotely crushed. I could be if not for a series of circumstances that altered his test making him think one thing and me knowing another. More on that later. Probably a lot more. Turns out I am more like my dad than I would have ever believed. Schmidt's Syndrome. The source of at least some of my problem. It is autoimmune. Of course. Turns the antibodies in your system against you and attacks things like your thyroid and adrenal gland. (Accept for one hitch here which I will explain later, hence my lack of soul crushing as noted above.)

It can also go after the rest of your endocrine system. And you should be checked out regularly, because you can be okay one day and not so much the next. The antibodies can just decide that your pancreas is the enemy one day. Or your liver. Or your kidneys. Or, get this... your vascular system. You know that lovely system that shrinks tight and causes... migraines. You can develop antibodies that attack your vascular system. Who knew?

It sucks being sick. It really sucks being sick and not knowing why.

In other news, I have found a purpose. At least for today. I will share it with you later. It is a small one. But no one changed the world in one giant swoop. It was always with tiny footsteps. Little bits of courage change one life at a time.