Dear H-Girl,
I think back to when you first came to live with me and it was so hard. You missed your biological mother, despite all of the abuse and dysfunction, that living with her brought. You also rebelled against the boundaries that I set up, not knowing that you craved them, and they brought relief. Finally, someone was running things. For the first few years of your life, you and C-Man were in charge of the household. How scary was that? You don't want to turn over those reins of responsibility to just anyone. You have to trust the person to navigate the waters safely for you. I know that when your dad and I divorced, that threw you back into unsafe territory.
You have been trying to be captain of the ship ever since. It hasn't worked out well for you at all. Your grades are abysmal. Your disposition has gone from a sweet, loving person to a shut down, closed off person. People keep telling me it is the tween thing. I know that it is a contributing factor, but I think that it is more than that. I am not saying that you don't joke around and laugh. You just don't really let anyone into your heart anymore.
I tried to get your dad to let you move to Florida and live with me, even though I was still sick, and he wouldn't have it. I could tell from the time I spent with you in Augusta, and the visits you made to Florida, that you were floundering. You needed stability and more help in school than he was able to give. However, I have no legal rights to you and his "no" on that was final. I am now back in Georgia, and sicker than I was before. You are beyond my emotional reach now. I was still able to get to you when we were discussing you living with me in Florida. You wanted to live with me. Now... I am not even sure you would choose it. I don't feel capable of doing the job even if you did.
That doesn't mean I don't miss you. I miss that little girl who was so in tune to other people. You were always the one who was most aware of when I felt really terrible. So many times when I felt lousy, you would come into my room, lie in bed with me, and just hold my hand. You were always the child you wanted to spend time with me, was free with hugs and kisses, made pictures and jewelry, chose to be helpful, was an easy conversationalist, and was always eager to spend time with me.
I told you when you spent the night last time that you could tell me anything and I would keep your confidences. I can't parent you because I just am not there enough to do so. I can be that special adult in your life who just loves you, listens, and offers up advice when asked.
Sweet girl, I miss you so much,
Me
image robbed from Miss Angie at My So-Called Chaos
