Would You Miss Me?

Well, it's December 27. If you're scratching your head, I'll give you an assist. The day that Jack killed himself two years ago. Also the day of our first date. Those two events may or may not be related. I won't know until I'm also dead. But, then I won't be able to blog about it and let you in on the news. It's a puzzler for sure.

I went back to a blog I wrote in 2010. A very long blog detailing the relationship in conversation and summary. I really had no clue about how to write a succinct blog back in those days. (Yeah, I know it's still an issue. You must grade me on improvement.) What follows are short excerpts from that blog:


Me: If I had to move to Florida, would you miss me? (I say this because it is a possibility. My finances are terrible, but I hope it won't happen.)

Him: I would miss you like I would miss the sun.

And that always makes me think of this song:



On the original post, I included the Grey's Anatomy video It's The End of the World As We Know It at the end, with these words bringing up the very end of the blog. Again, for the sake of your time, which I know is precious, I'm just going to skip to the clip at the end of that show (It's The End Of The World As We Know It, Part 2):




I have spent years trying to remember that last kiss, and I can't for the life of me. If you know something is going to end, you prepare better. You note each thing as it happens, and mark it as the last word, the last dance, the last dinner, the last touch, so that nothing is missed. I don't remember the last time I even saw him, much less kissed him, because I didn't know it would be the last time. And he isn't talking.

Well, it's 2016, and I still can't put my finger on that last kiss. I wish I'd asked him when we talked the last time (a few months before he died). Maybe he could've helped me out with that detail. As it is, he still isn't talking.

DAY 15: LETTER TO THE ONE I MISS THE MOST

Dear H-Girl,

I think back to when you first came to live with me and it was so hard. You missed your biological mother, despite all of the abuse and dysfunction, that living with her brought. You also rebelled against the boundaries that I set up, not knowing that you craved them, and they brought relief. Finally, someone was running things. For the first few years of your life, you and C-Man were in charge of the household. How scary was that? You don't want to turn over those reins of responsibility to just anyone. You have to trust the person to navigate the waters safely for you. I know that when your dad and I divorced, that threw you back into unsafe territory.

You have been trying to be captain of the ship ever since. It hasn't worked out well for you at all. Your grades are abysmal. Your disposition has gone from a sweet, loving person to a shut down, closed off person. People keep telling me it is the tween thing. I know that it is a contributing factor, but I think that it is more than that. I am not saying that you don't joke around and laugh. You just don't really let anyone into your heart anymore.

I tried to get your dad to let you move to Florida and live with me, even though I was still sick, and he wouldn't have it. I could tell from the time I spent with you in Augusta, and the visits you made to Florida, that you were floundering. You needed stability and more help in school than he was able to give. However, I have no legal rights to you and his "no" on that was final. I am now back in Georgia, and sicker than I was before. You are beyond my emotional reach now. I was still able to get to you when we were discussing you living with me in Florida. You wanted to live with me. Now... I am not even sure you would choose it. I don't feel capable of doing the job even if you did.

That doesn't mean I don't miss you. I miss that little girl who was so in tune to other people. You were always the one who was most aware of when I felt really terrible. So many times when I felt lousy, you would come into my room, lie in bed with me, and just hold my hand. You were always the child you wanted to spend time with me, was free with hugs and kisses, made pictures and jewelry, chose to be helpful, was an easy conversationalist, and was always eager to spend time with me.

I told you when you spent the night last time that you could tell me anything and I would keep your confidences. I can't parent you because I just am not there enough to do so. I can be that special adult in your life who just loves you, listens, and offers up advice when asked.

Sweet girl, I miss you so much,
Me


image robbed from Miss Angie at My So-Called Chaos

DAY 10: I MISS TALKING TO YOU

Dear Flora,

I am sending you this letter because today's letter topic is "someone you don't talk to as much as you'd like to," and you were the first person who came to mind.

I find it ironic that I talked to you more when I lived in Florida than I do now, when you live thirty minutes away. When I was in Florida, we emailed frequently. As you know, I don't know how to do a short email. I always have all of these ideas swirling around in my mind and they must come out! Of course, that made for a great deal of conversation. Email conversation and sometimes phone conversation. Every now and then the subject matter became so insane that one of us would pick up the telephone and make the call. We usually talked until one of our batteries died. I remember that my phone was usually so hot that it hurt to the touch after a while. That is what I call burning up the phone line!

I appreciate how you opened up your home to me all of the times I came to visit during the years I was living in FL, but my doctor was still here. I always stayed a few extra days so I could visit with you, C-Man and H-Girl, my aunt and uncle, and any other friends who were available. We had some really fun times during those visits. We also had some serious drama during those visits. Not you and me drama, but other drama. I am really glad you aren't seeing the guy you were dating back then anymore. He was nothing but drama. I am also really happy that you have found someone better for you since. I always knew that you would.

I only wish that we saw each other more and talked more. It is like since I live here we can see each other anytime and the pressure is off. The thing is this: we never see each other. I have seen you once at a planned group event, and once by accident when I was out with another friend. We have talked a couple of times on the phone when I have called you. Each time I suggest we get together and you say that you'll call me next week and plan something and... nothing. I have sent you email follow-ups and... nothing. I know that you are busy watching your grandkids, so I don't want to pressure you, so I don't. I know that a big part of the problem in this scenario is that I don't drive at night anymore. My memory is too messed up for me risk it. Getting lost in the daytime is one thing. Getting lost at night is a whole different thing.

Anyway, I know that you are busy. You have tons of things on your plate. I just wanted you to know that I missed you. I really wish that I saw you and talked to you more than I do.

Love,
Robin


image purloined from Miss Angie at My So-Called Chaos