WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN IT COUNTS?

Well, I was just going to write one of my regular pseudo-crazy posts, which means a post like every other day of the week, until I found I was showcased as Blogger of the Week here. That sent me into a brain spin. You don't want people who have never read your blog subjected to your normal every day crazy stuff. However, it is an awful lot of work to try and trot out something else when you're going to revert back to the same old, same old come Sunday. I have my Magic Music day tomorrow, which is a totally different level of insane altogether. It is more fun crazy.

So, to catch the new people up, I suffer from a lot of chronic illness, the worst of which (most of the time) is migraines. I am in the process of filing for SSD, since I have had THIS migraine since January of 2003. Yeah, that wasn't a typo. The source of the migraine was my ex-husband. By the time I got rid of him, I didn't have the health insurance to get rid of the migraine. Life is just filled with irony. I tried living a life of no stress for four years. If anyone finds one of those, please email me the location so that I can go there, because I have yet to find that. My doctor says three years of zero stress will cure me in lieu of no insurance (or crappy insurance, which is what I currently have). Along with good diet, vitamins, and some Rxs.... I was able to manage all of it but the zero stress, so I am still here with the chronic migraine and filing for SSD.



I did give it the ole college try, though. I really didn't want to file for SSD. Really really really didn't want to file. We are at the Land of Last Resort. Not a pretty place people. *Breathing in and out slowly* However, I have become accustomed to living with my mother and step-dad. Been doing that since 2006. Don't ever say you won't go home again. You just never know. Parents, no matter how successful your kids become, don't breathe easy. They can lose it all and move back in on a dime. Stand ready and be prepared. This is another blog that isn't going as planned.

I call what has happened to me "falling through the floor." All of this chronic stuff that I have going on really tracks back to my failing adrenal gland, and an extremely weakened immune system. I was treated for years by various doctors for the migraine alone, because it was the most acute symptom that I had. When your head feels like it being pounded in by an anvil, it is pretty much all you can think about. However, none of the traditional migraine meds did anything to alleviate it. That didn't stop the doctors from prescribing the stuff, though, or digging any deeper into the root source of the problem. Eventually, I changed doctors (repeatedly). Even I knew that if the meds weren't working, something else was wrong. By the time I got to a doctor who agreed with me, I was really close to falling through the floor. I financially fell through the floor at the same time she correctly diagnosed me. That was a bad news/good news situation. I finally knew the answer, but I no longer had decent health insurance to solve the problem. It is tempting to curse right here, but I am really trying to quit.

Instead, we went with generic Rx (as few as possible), the best vitamin choices, and that stress free life (yeah right). I moved to FL, and in with my parents, and tried to find that stress free existence. I am a freakin' magnet for stress. You can read about it in my previous blogs (or not). I mean who really wants to read about that crap? Not me. Head hurts thinking about it. But, it is all right there for your whatever. Most people shake their heads and leave comments like, "Why Robin, why would you get involved in that mess?" Yeah, like I have a good answer for that. Dumbass comes to mind. And there went the cursing. So, no, I didn't find the stress-free idyllic life in Florida. And things got worse, hard to believe (I know), when we all moved back to Georgia. So, that is where we are. No, I don't really live here. Nice house, though...



Everyone should be up to speed. Yeah, this blog is finally starting. I will try to keep it short. All of this mess has made it very clear that there needs to be a website out there of doctors who actually LISTEN, TREAT THE ROOT OF THE PROBLEM, and THINK OUTSIDE OF THE BOX or THINK ALTERNATIVE MEDICINE WORKS. So, I bought a domain name after weeks of writing down domain names searching for just the right one. It was somewhat excruciating. The goal is to actually start a non-profit organization with this mission statement: to assist people in their journey from illness to wellness. Short and sweet, right? According to Peter Drucker all non-profit mission statements should be right to the point, and something that everyone can claim to be theirs from the volunteer to the CEO. The long-range goal (as long-range as I can see it right now anyway) is to build houses all over the US for people who have fallen through the floor, but didn't have family, like I did, to catch them. There are a lot of people who have been misdiagnosed or undiagnosed. These are working people who get sicker and sicker until they lose their job, their health insurance, their house, and become homeless. Why are they homeless? Because our healthcare system let them down. Hopefully, the site will stop many people from falling through the floor. But, we have to do more. We have to pick up the people who have already fallen and give them the tools to get well and get back to work. I believe in this site. I believe in the people of this country. One day we will be building houses for them. You heard it here first. I hope that you will be one of the people who helps to make it a reality.



So, one day fairly soon, you will be seeing something from me that will be in the form of an email asking for doctors who meet this criteria. The site needs those names. And it will ask you to copy/paste that email and send it to everyone you know. We want to help people all over the US, and the only way we can do it is if the email travels all over the US. That is the first stage of getting this project off the ground. I have decided that I can be sick and not make a difference, or I can be sick and help other people. I am voting for the help other people. I hope that you choose that, too.

DAY 30: REFLECTION IN THE MIRROR

Dear Reflection In the Mirror,

This is the last of the letter series and it is one to me from me. I really don't think it is meant to be all about what I see when I look in the mirror, but I guess we can use that as a jumping off point and see what happens. You still need to do something about your hair. Of course, that problem is now really a problem. Once again, a new medication has caused your hair to fall out like you're a cancer patient. For the record, I am not a cancer patient. I would be suffering from severe anxiety about this, except it happened before, and it does thicken back up. Slowly. Very. Very. Slowly. Compared to the other side effects I am dealing with the hair loss is relatively minor. Yeah, I am getting off that medicine. I will get the pain back that the medicine relieved; it seems like this whole thing is always about trades. Trade this pain for that pain. So, I am not going to pay much attention to my hair right now. I am going to imagine it the way I want it to look. That feels much better to me.

In fact, I have been doing a great deal of visualization lately. I am a firm believer that in order to get what you want, you have to be able to imagine yourself living that life. In your mind's eye, you have to be fully there. So, in my visualizations I am a healthy person who lives within the parameters that I need to in order to sustain a healthy life. The fact that I don't know what they are is irrelevant. I just know that I do it. My website is successful. People have come into my life as needed in order to make that project come together. There is a board of directors who share the vision. Everyone does their part for the whole to be successful.

I am still reading Peter Drucker's book on Managing the Non-Profit Organization. I recommend that you buy a copy of this so that you can reread it as many times as needed. You can't just continue to check it out from the library indefinitely. In fact, I think you will refer to this frequently over the next few years. Non-profits differ from other businesses in so many ways, but the biggest is that they don't sell anything. Its product is a changed human being. You can't sell that on ebay. When you are starting up, all you have are ideas. You fundraise like crazy and ask people to trust you that you can change a human being if they will support you with their money and/or time. I look in the mirror and think "not yet, but it will be here before I know it."

I was reading the aforementioned book yesterday and stumbled across this: "The non-profits are human change agents. And their results are therefore always a change in people - in their behavior, in their circumstances, in their vision, in their health, in their hopes, above all, in their competence and capacity. In the last analysis, the non-profit institution, whether it's healthcare, or education or community service, or a labor union, has to judge itself by its performance in creating vision, creating standards, creating values and commitment, and in creating human competence. The non-profit institution therefore needs to set specific goals in terms of its service to people. And it needs constantly to raise these goals - or its performance will go down."

I wrote that down in my notebook when I found it. I ended up with a hand cramp. Turns out that was the most writing I have done all in one sitting in a long time. I haven't even filed the papers yet to become a non-profit, but I know that is where I am going. I also know that I need an attorney to wade through that muck, and I have no idea where to find one. I am trusting that it is one of those things I will stumble upon. Right now, getting my website onto a host site is taking precedence. I think I about have that nailed down. I wrote down the email by hand today. I am sure I will tinker with it a bit. I bet you're wondering how all of this fits into my reflection? It is how I see myself and where my life is going.

That paragraph from the book was huge. It felt huge to me. The non-profit is a human change agent. It does all sorts of things, but above all else it must help people in terms of their competence and capacity. As someone who has been chronically ill, I felt the force of that statement hit home. Wham. When you are unable to take care of yourself and/or your family, it is decimating. Not only do you physically feel bad, but mentally you shatter. Your competence is gone and your capacity to be effective is gone. When I hit that place, I mentally referred to myself as a "waste of space." I was a financial drain on anyone who loved me and the world would have been better off without me. Yep. That was where I was living. Competence and Capacity. People must have these two things. The non-profit is not doing its job if these two needs are not being met.

I don't see myself that way anymore. I know that I needed to feel those things in order to understand those feelings. I needed to live where the people are living that are chronically ill. I needed to know the illness on all levels. If you don't know that, you can't help nearly so well.

I read over the comments from yesterday's letter. Thank you to all who commented. It has occurred to me that H-Girl might gain a lot of insight from this project. While her father will not let her live with me, he is always happy to hand them off for the summer. When this thing gets off the ground and my summers are spent on the road fundraising and/or building houses for chronically ill people... well, that would be an eye-opening experience for her. It would also give me the time that I need to have her see things from a different perspective.

As for you loyal readers, if you know anyone who is a non-profit attorney who works pro bono or for seriously very little money, send that person my way. Also looking for someone who knows various things about building a website. Yeah, I can use some help there.

This letter is kinda sorta all over the place. Well, I guess that tells the tale!

You're Nuts, But In A Good Way,
Me


P.S. And here is something fun for those of you who hung in until the bitter end....




image found at www.weheartit.com

DAY 19: LETTER TO SOMEONE THAT PESTERS MY MIND

Dear My Big Idea,

You are taking up a lot of space in my head. I know that technically you are not a someone; you are more of a something, but you are BIG. Last night you woke me up four hours into my sleep with more ideas for a name. It has been really tough just nailing down a name for you. The name needs to encompass a broad spectrum of all the things that I can see you doing right now, and it can't be already taken by another business. Sounds easy, right? Not so much. I have a couple of pages of ideas for names. The ones I really like, I run through godaddy.com to see if they have been taken on the web. If they are free as a .com, .net, and .org (aka The Big 3), I feel much better about their availability as a business name. Pretty much every business these days also has a website. Last night I just kept writing variations on names I already had until I came up with this: Forging Hope For Wellness. It took nearly an entire page to get there, but once I did, it felt right. I turned off my light and went back to sleep.

I checked godaddy.com and it is available in all of The Big 3. What a relief that turned out to be. That isn't a sure thing on it not being a business for someone, but it makes the odds better. I have a link from a friend to check it out in the state of GA. What I really need is an attorney who specializes in non-profits and doesn't charge much of anything, since I don't have much of anything. That is me sending a rocket of desire out into the universe. (Wheee!)

I am still reading Peter Drucker's book on managing a non-profit. I do have my mission statement and feel good about it. Forging Hope For Wellness assists people in their journey from illness to wellness. Mr. Drucker says that your mission statement should be concise. It should also be something that anyone in the non-profit can say, and have it be true for them, from the volunteer to the President.

I spend a lot of time visualizing this project like it already exists. In my mind, the website is something that has already happened. It is full of doctor's names that people have emailed to us from all over the U.S. It all started with an email that I created asking people to send in the names, addresses, and phone numbers of doctors who 1) listen, 2) treat the root of the problem and not just the symptom, and 3) think outside the box. The site is looking for any and all kinds of doctors. That means traditional and non-traditional medicine. If you know of someone who has helped make someone better via acupuncture, we want their information. The site is looking for people who are interested in helping someone who is ill become well. In my mind, that email gets copied and pasted better than spam. It just keeps getting thrown like a net. Everyone knows someone who is sick. Even if you don't know of a doctor, you have 50 people on your email list and they might. Copy and paste. In my mind, the website takes care of itself. I write the email, and I post it here and all of you copy and paste, and sent it on your email. I send it on my email. Everyone emails. Done.

There are doctors who are invested in getting their patients well. Those doctors are the ones that NEED to be on this site. People need to know how to find them. People are misdiagnosed and undiagnosed. If this goes on long enough, they will lose their job. If they lose their job, they lose their health insurance. If they lose that, they eventually will lose their house. I call that falling through the floor. Ideally, someone will find this site and get help before they fall through the floor.

If they don't, well that is where I spend most of my time in my visualization. That is what pesters my mind. There are people all over the United States who have fallen through the floor. I am one of them. I was lucky. My parents caught me. There are a lot people who aren't so lucky. There was no one to catch them. They are sick and they are homeless. They can't even afford the prescriptions that were making their life somewhat bearable before they fell through the floor. They don't even know about our website, because they don't have computer access. They need help.

In my mind, I can see people hearing this, getting this, and sponsoring this site in order to really make a difference. In my mind, I visualize HGTV deciding to do something totally new for them and helping us build houses for these people. We, meaning me, will have to fundraise like crazy for it to happen. However, when people understand that they get to actually see where their money is going, it is a gamechanger. Most of the time when you donate money to something you don't get to see the results. When you donate your money to building a Hope House, you will get to watch it being built on TV, and be able to say proudly, "I had a hand in building that." When you watch the people move in who have been living on the streets, you will see the lives you are changing. You will be able to say, "I am making a difference in those people's lives." And it will be the truth!

I visualize this project going on for a very long time. I visualize the American people embracing this with love. I envision them supporting these houses with their time, service, and dollars. The goal with the houses is the same as the website. The mission never changes. It is to assist people in their journey from illness to wellness. When someone is well enough that they are able to move out, and go back to work, then someone else will get to move in. The job of aiding people in this journey is never-ending. There will always be more sick people than we have houses. Of course, it is my goal to have as many houses as possible. The more houses there are, the more people we can help.

This next part is for the readers of this blog if you are still awake...

If you believe in visualization, spend a little time each day visualizing this project, if it something you believe in. The more people who can get behind it and support it, the stronger it gets. If that came off as sounding crazy, let me say it another way ~ Jesus called it having faith. Faith is believing in something before it happens. By having that unwavering belief, it is certain to come to you. I have prayed about this and already thanked God for it in advance. Now I am living in a place of faith that it will come to me. The visualization is my active belief of what will come. My sharing the project with you further activates my belief in this project. Asking you to visualize it is yet one more step in solidifying my faith and belief that it will come to pass.

With Love,
Robin


image found at www.weheartit.com

DAY 18: DEAR WHO I WISH I COULD BE

Dear The Pieces of Me,

This letter is supposed to be written to the person who I wish I could be. There isn't any one person I wish I could be. However, there are quite a few people who have qualities that I wish I could somehow understand so comprehensively that they became a natural part of who I am. I am going to be embarking on an important task. Actually, it is more of a mission, and having these qualities would make things run more smoothly. So, let's get down to brass tacks.

I wish that I had my next door neighbor's bullshit meter. You can read about that here if you want a chuckle. She could smell a lie before somebody finished a sentence. She was that good. Having a fine-tuned bullshit detector is an invaluable instrument, and should be handled with care. I do believe that Life has tried to hone me with this skill by sending several extremely talented liars my way. Time will tell the tale if my meter beeps as clear and true as my neighbor's always did.

You know that line in the song The Gambler, "You gotta know when to hold 'em, Know when to fold 'em, Know when to walk away, Know when to run." Well, from the reading that I have done thus far, running a non-profit is a lot like that. You move too soon and it falls apart. You don't move soon enough (aka take the risk) and it stagnates. Timing is everything. So, I guess I want the quality of the gambler. Obviously one who knows when to move and when to stick.

Most people are not born with the art of listening. They just aren't. That quality is often developed. Nurtured even. It's important to know how to sell your organization. But, you have to listen first to understand the need. If you don't know what the needs are, you don't know how to meet them. I think of Mother Teresa. She did a lot of listening. She didn't run a non-profit insofar as I know, but by listening, she helped people one person at a time. She was so devoted to helping, that you could put her stats up next to any doctor's and... I bet her patients had a better quality of life in her care when she was done with them. Just sayin'. Don't ever underestimate the value of listening.

There is no I in TEAM. I am a serious Type A personality. I am one of those people that would rather do it myself than take the time to explain to you how to do it, just to watch you screw it up anyway. Or not do it at all. Or do it late. College projects were a bitch. I just did them and told my other project mates to go home and watch TV. Or whatever. They weren't lowering my freaking grade with their lameass work. Crap. I am cursing again. Sorority projects were worse. During pledging it was all too much. I had to delegate crap because I was the Pledge Captain. Did you doubt that? Come on. Seriously? I about killed one of my fellow pledges. As in dead as a freakin' doornail. I hated her until I graduated. Sorority love be freaking damned. I just cursed again. This is a bad subject. We had to do something for pledging. She volunteered to do it. Day comes for it to be turned in and she didn't have time. Say What? You don't tell me at the last fucking minute that you didn't have time. If you didn't have time, you tell me the day before, or the day before that, when I can take that bitch back, and do it myself. You biotch hoe with bad hair. As your Pledge Captain I take the SHIT for the stuff you don't do. I am gonna mop the floor with your ass after we come out of that pledging meeting. Let's just say I have delegation issues. I still loathe that biotch and would hit her with my car if I saw her walking down the road. Not kill her. Just break a leg or something.

I think I made my point about delegation issues. This is a toughie. There is no I in TEAM. Well, the good news is that I get to pick the TEAM. I got stuck with the teams I had in class and who the sorority picked for my pledge class. That ain't happening again. So, the key here is to pick people I feel comfortable delegating important tasks to, and not worrying about it afterwards. In other words, I know that these people will do what they say they will do. And, if they can't do it, they will delegate it to someone else, or they will let me know, so that I can redelegate it, or do it myself. Whew. Maybe cursing is therapeutic. I feel tons better. Or maybe it was just the idea of breaking her leg with my car. Broken legs heal people. Don't judge.

I believe that most people will resonate to this non-profit in a really beautiful way. I think it will help so many people, and will be greeted with an armful of love. The flipside of that is there is always someone or several someones who are the haters. There are people who look for ways to hate and try to turn good things bad. Always have been. Always will be. I have no doubt that organizations like the Red Cross, Goodwill, Salvation Army, Boy Scouts/Girl Scouts, etc. get hate mail. Why? Because there are people out there who hate all things good. They hate organizations that try to make this world better. Ignoring the haters will be hard for me. Someone in the organization will say, "Robin, you shouldn't take this personally." They are right. I shouldn't. However, it will feel personal. My idea come to fruition. So, yeah, I am taking it personal. Maybe I should take it as a sign that I am doing something right. If you haven't pissed somebody off, you aren't working hard enough.

The last two are biggies. Yeah, like the others weren't? This one is really hard. Accepting the fact that I cannot save everyone. Change that. Accepting the fact that I cannot save anyone. The only thing I can do is provide tools, and hope that they use those tools to save themselves. That is it. I cannot even get too closely involved in somone's illness if I see that they are not using the tools they have been given. That is me trying save someone else. I have this personality that wants to band-aid the world. It is ironic, since I am having a really difficult time just keeping my head above water right now. That is how I know that each person is responsible for their own recovery. You have to fight for it. You have to use the tools in front of you.

Letting go. As this organization gets bigger and bigger, it will become vital that I train more and more people to do all of the things that I am doing. No one person can be indispensable in a non-profit. If you create a non-profit so that one person is vital to keep it running, and that person dies, the non-profit dies, too. That cannot happen. We all like to think we are indispensable, but it is critical to a non-profit that no one is indispensable.

So, Robin, you need to work a bit on your personality. You are a flawed human being that needs to make some changes in order for your non-profit to get off the ground. However, you really believe in this project and want it to work, so I know that you will do what needs to be done. I have faith in you.

Love,
Your Inner Self



Image found here

DAY 5: YOUR DREAMS

Dear Me,

I am writing you this letter because your dreams may not come to fruition as quickly as you want them to, and you may need some inspiration to not let go of them and give up. You already did that once and the only thing that stopped you from moving in another direction was your mattress pulled out of storage. Such a small thing that created this huge medical setback. You spent nearly a year very angry about that setback. It wasn't until recently that it clicked in your head that the mattress put you back on course with your dreams. You wrote about that here.

Ever since you wrote that down, the dream has become clearer and clearer. Back in 2008, you had a logo that popped into your head, knew that it involved a website, and the goal was to help sick people who could no longer help themselves. They, like you, had run the doctor circuit for years and gotten nowhere. And they fell through the floor. Not because they were lazy or didn't try hard enough. They probably started out working. They had insurance and they got sicker and sicker. Eventually they couldn't work and their savings started going into doctors. Still, no one could help. Back then, you knew who you wanted to help. You just weren't exactly sure how. Worse yet, you knew it was likely going to be a non-profit organization that you were going to be founding (and you know nothing about how to do that) and creating a website (you can barely navigate this site).

So, when the dream popped out of the woodwork to smack you upside the head about ten days ago, it also brought clarity with it. You now know the name of the non-profit (assuming it isn't taken already), exactly what you want on the site, and the next two stages, after the site is up and running, and able to support itself. Now, you spend a bit of every day visualizing the site as it will be once it is fully functional.

I am writing you this letter because I know you. You have an idea and you want it now. Well, this isn't going to happen now. This is likely years away from fruition. And there will be people who will tell you that it just isn't realistic. Once you get well, you would be better off getting a sales job, which you know you are good at. That is true. I am good at a sales job and it would support me. But this dream will change the lives of hundreds of people. Maybe thousands. Is me taking the easy way and getting a sales job right when I know that I have been called to do this?

Even this... Blogger... you thought it was for your writing. When you first opened this account you had this crazy idea that an agent was going to read your writing and decide that you should be published. Don't you find that ludicrous now? Then you enjoyed reading other people's blogs as much as your own. It is like a community of friends with whom everyone shares their stuff. Whatever they want to share. Now, you see that even Blogger wasn't an accident.

This dream is all part of a Grand Design to make the world better. All you are is the catalyst. You thought that you were going to have to take college computer classes to do the website. That would have been you trying to do it all for quite a while. Now, you think you were meant to meet someone here who would do the computer design, because you are just never going to be good at that, and you will be partners in this venture. It will be your idea, but the work you will do together. You will be doing all of the calling and running stuff down for the site. And you will be sending out requests for information to your blog friends, like a net. And they will throw that net further. And this site that you thought would take a year to get off the ground... won't. Oh, and your Greek friend will make it possible for you to talk to someone about non-profits before you start this, so that you are able to set up this whole thing. Otherwise, you would be lost in that sea for a long time.

Your dreams are going to intertwine with the dreams of people you already know in person, and some that you have met here. This whole process has been like a chain bringing people together for good. Everything has a reason. With some of your friends, you can already see some sort of promise of what that reason might be. How they might fit into this, if they want to be a part of it. For others, maybe they will know someone who is ill and just needs help. It might be as simple as that. And as rewarding.

Don't give up on your dreams. They will happen when they are meant to happen. Continue to focus on your dream and visualize it so that it gains clarity.

Love,
Me


image nabbed from Miss Angie at My So-Called Chaos