Monday, February 1, 2016

A Three Way Crash: BOTB runs into SOML and Lost and Found

What we are seeing here today is a collision of epic proportions.

First, there was Battle of the Bands. List of participants at the end of this post.



Second, I started writing posts which I lovingly call The Soundtrack of My Life. A few others have joined in this endeavor. Who's participating in this one? These guys:

StMcC Presents BATTLE OF THE BANDS

Cherdo on the Flipside 

Holli's Hoots and Hollers 

THE DOGLADY'S DEN 



Third, I joined the Lost and Found Bloghop. You can find the entire list of participants HERE. Who is hosting this event? These guys:

Arlee Bird at Tossing it Out http://tossingitout.blogspot.com/
Guilie Castilol-Oriard at A Quiet Laughter  http://guilie-castillo-oriard.blogspot.com/
Alex J. Cavanaugh http://alexjcavanaugh.com/ 



For those of you new to this blog, I'm going through my entire life in song. Sounds tedious when I write it like that, but, surprisingly, not so much. We left off with me receiving a phone call from J1 (just as I was approaching college graduation) to say he'd decided to join the Army and requested a placement in Germany. We'd been on and off again (mostly off) for two years now, but I was still horribly in love with the guy.

In the face of this adversity, we decide to become "on" again. Makes sense, right? I'm headed for my first real job in NYC, and he's headed to boot camp. With promises of writing each other and a visit after boot camp, but before Germany... that's where we left it.

I made my move (lots more to tell there, but not in *this* post) and purchased enough stationery that I really should've bought stock in the stuff. And I wrote and wrote. (If you've read my rambling here, you have a fairly accurate idea about the sheer volume of words I'm attempting to describe). And I waited. Nothing came. Nada. Zip. Zero. Zilch. My mailbox remained perpetually empty.

Each day that passed with no word from J1, brought tears, anxiety, and too many meetings with Captain Morgan. My roommates got sick of listening to it. I got sick of listening to it. Why? Because I didn't understand it. I guess it should've been obvious after all the times he said he'd call, and didn't, in the two on/off years, but I really thought we'd turned a corner.

I daresay that the boot camp lasted six to eight weeks. So, it was in July when I knew he was outta there and sitting at home with his parents. I was sure he'd call. The plan was he'd visit me BEFORE Germany. So, a phone call was required, no?

That phone call did eventually happen. But he didn't initiate it. It was a Friday or Saturday night and I'd imbibed just enough Captain Morgan and Diet Coke that calling seemed like a reasonable, and right, thing to do. We had beautiful parquet flooring in that Queens apartment. I remember sitting on it (okay, sprawled on it) and drunk dialing him.

He told me that he got all my mail after boot camp was over. All of it. All at once. Turns out, he couldn't send or receive mail during his stint there. Ergo, as he read he saw I was spiraling out. I didn't call him names or anything, but there was a lot of "I don't know why you're doing this to me" sort of talk there at the end.

I could understand why he wasn't ready to pick up the phone and call someone who may or may not be riding the crazy train that first day. But, day two? Three? Two weeks later? What could possibly have kept him from calling me and putting me out of my (obvious) misery???

"He didn't want to hurt me anymore."

I was floored. Literally and figuratively. But, I eventually managed to wrap my head around this poor excuse and accept it. I suppose this is where the Lost and Found comes into play... because when someone tells you they are a jerk or don't have time for you or you're not the priority (and really he'd been telling me for YEARS) or he just doesn't want to hurt you anymore, you should say, "Well thank you for clearing that up. You're absolutely right. If we carry on down this path you will devastate me. This was good information to have." Instead, by accepting this lame rationale, I was signing up for more pain. My bad. I lost myself and found out just what it is to hurt. We think the pain is in the letting go. Often it's in the hanging on.

And that leads us to the Battle of the Bands/song portion of this event. This describes how I felt that entire six to eight weeks he was in boot camp. 

The song is Say Something. I'm pitting two covers against each other. Listen to them both and cast your vote in the comments. That simple! I recommend NOT watching either. I find both of these distracting, but I'm not the NSA and won't be monitoring you, so do what you like!

Here is Boyce Avenue featuring Carly Rose Sonenclar:



Here is Pentatonix:


Please vote for the version of this song you prefer. If you want to get into the Ins and Outs of why you like one better than the other... I LOVE long comments!

For more Battle of the Bands fun, check out the other BOTB bloggers to vote on their battles:

60 comments:

  1. my vote goes for Boyce Avenue featuring Carly Rose Sonenclar they do more with less

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    1. I really like most Boyce Avenue covers. Thanks for voting.

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  2. I'm with Mike, I like Boyce Avenue's version for the same reason. Such power in their version. And one of my favorite songs. A version came out during one of my low times in my relationship and I had that song on loop for awhile. Great pick! Hope your migraines have been at bay.

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    1. It's so frustrating when someone you love either can't/won't communicate with you. Really loves you caught in between the rock and hard place.

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  3. I love that you're playing out your life through songs. haha. This reminds me of when I use to aggravate my sister by singing a song for every phrase she said. She didn't like it.

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    1. I can't imagine why she didn't like that...;)

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  4. If only you'd know he wasn't getting the letters.
    My vote goes to the second one. I like the harmony.

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    1. The thing is he knew the score. He also should've known me well enough to know that no matter how rattled I was by the end one quick phone call and it all would've been okay. Instead he chose to cut and run. This is a definitive moment for us... even though I didn't cut the cord at this time.

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  5. Another vote for Boyce Ave... I enjoyed the other version, too, but somehow the Boyce one felt more... is "genuine" the word I'm looking for? Not sure.

    I loved this: "We think the pain is in the letting go. Often it's in the hanging on." You are so, SO right, and I love how you phrased it. I'm sorry for the pain you had to go through to find that truth... Then again, you are as awesome as you are today because of it, at least in part :)

    Loved your post.
    Guilie @ Quiet Laughter

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    1. Guille, It took me a long time to find my personal truth. Not only in this relationship, but within the context of all my relationships. There are decisive patterns! I also have the benefit of hindsight to see how this action of his changed me deep inside. There is irony in all of this... which you will see as it plays out.

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  6. Too bad you didn't know ahead of time that he wouldn't be getting his mail until the end of boot camp. That would have drastically changed the whole sequence of your correspondence. Not knowing what is going on can be so devastating to one's mental state.

    Your observation about the pain being in the hanging on is very astute. That's the way it's worked in my life as well though I never quite thought of it in that way until I read this.

    Both versions of this song are lovely. The cello wins me over. I'll go with Pentatonix. Their vocals are magnificent.

    Arlee Bird
    A to Z Challenge Co-host
    Tossing It Out

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    1. Arlee, Sometimes things happen as they do because they are meant to happen that way. J1's response to my not knowing (and being upset) was to slink off and run. Not a great response and it would resonate with me the rest of our relationship.

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  7. I'm going with Boyce for my vote. Hanging on can cause pain. Sometimes it's hard to move on.

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  8. It's true, sometimes you just have to rip off the band-aid quickly. Hurts more at first, but then it goes away faster. Much faster.

    As for the battle, give me Boyce. I don't know what it is about Pentatonix, but I just can't get into them - their sound, or the way they always give the camera that constipated soap opera-style seduction look.

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    1. It's taken me way too long to figure out that it's quicker to just rip the band-aid fast. Way. Too. Long.

      Delete
  9. Sometimes it is healthier to let go, and at the same time, it can be the hardest thing to ever do.

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    1. Yeah, it's pretty obvious in these posts that letting go hasn't been my strong suit.

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  10. Being 'all in' in anything except your own life is always a dangerous proposition. As in 'he who loves least' has more control (especially over their own life and emotions). I know that sounds pessimistic, but I like to think of it more as a form of self-preservation. Ah, you see I've been there and done that, and it didn't turn out good.

    As for the song; I'm not a fan of Pentatonix, not sure why, but I do love Bryan's comment. They are talented, but just not my cuppa. I will admit that I like them better in this song that other things I've heard, but still not that much.

    Give my vote to Boyce Avenue. I do like the more 'raw' sound they present. It seems appropriate for this tune. It's kind of a raw sentiment. Funny how love it like that A LOT.

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    1. I think all in only works when the other person is also all in. Right from the beginning. There are couples with healthy relationships who work at them 110% and still give the same amount of time to their self growth. Not an easy balancing act, but I believe it's possible. The fact that I have yet to accomplish it doesn't mean anything...

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  11. Robin, retrospect seems so clear, right? In the end it is always better to let go. I don't know of a situation where holding on ever works out for the best, especially when it's obvious the other partner has no intention of doing anything to right the wrong. I hope J1 has gotten wiser as he's aged and doesn't make the same mistakes that he did with you, and I hope you see with a clearer understanding of how things are these days instead of the way you want it to be. The beauty with maturing is you do learn from your experiences. I'm a fan of Pentatonix. I like their cover, but it's a bit too much and loses some of the tender qualities as sung by their rival. Please give my vote to Boyce Avenue feat. Carly Rose Sonenclar. Nice battle!

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    1. I think J1 ended up in the relationship (and marriage) where he was meant to be. I'm not in contact with him directly, but have been FB friends with his sister for a few years. I see pics of his family occasionally on her page. He has two of them, and they are darling. It all works out in the end!

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  12. I played "yo-yo" too many times. Today, I feel different about myself and my needs.

    Boyce is a real talent but for this song I vote for Pentatonix. I'm hooked on their harmony.

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    1. I was just saying to mom last night that I never want to be again in a situation where I feel I want a relationship. If a relationship finds me, and it makes me happy, that's great. It's much harder to walk away from a bad relationship when you're desperate for ANY relationship. (Been there, done that!)

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  13. My preference is for Boyce Avenue. Their version is moody and emotional, much like the original. I think we have all been down this road. Thinking one person feels one way about us, only to find out that's not true. Even when they try to deny it, there are times we need to listen to what our gut is telling us.
    Really enjoying all your soundtrack posts.

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    1. Listen to your gut. Excellent point!

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  14. I'll come back for the songs. I can see me doing what you did. It starts with piss poor self esteem, which you then try to raise by "betting on a sure thing" and it doesn't pay out. Then the price comes due on making a fool of yourself. I can picture the moment for me. Actually, several such moments. Almost all of my moments, the more I think about it... Geez, I shoulda been a priest...

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    1. Back already! I recognized the song immediately, though I can't say it made enough of an impact to remember who by. I have much the same opinion of Pentatonix that most of the nay-sayers do, I'm afraid. I would have to be in the right mood for them... and this song wouldn't fit the mood. Count me with the growing consensus.

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    2. CW, your first comment made me chuckle. In doing these posts (and going through this most recent round of therapy) I clearly see the patterns in my relationships. Sadly, unhealthy patterns. The beauty of that is recognizing something means we can change it (for the better).

      This is a vote for Boyce Avenue, right?

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  15. Wouldn't have known going in that he wouldn't be getting any mail until he finished boot camp? I mean, I would think he would have known the rules before getting there. But that's just me.

    As for the song: Pentatonix all the way. I love Kirstin Maldonado's voice, and the harmony.

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    1. Yeah, well, that would've been good information to have.

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  16. "We think the pain is in the letting go. Often it's in the hanging on.": WOW!! GREAT line! Very powerful. Wonderful story. I could feel your anguish at the silence. Some men are such cowards when it comes down to truth.
    As for your battle: Pentatonix blew me away! Please give my vote to them. I like the other version but not near as much as Pentatonix' version. Nice battle!

    I really enjoyed reading your story. Thanks for sharing that!

    Michele at Angels Bark

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    1. I didn't see this as cowardly at the time. That's a harsh word to apply to someone you're sure you love. You want to give them the benefit of every doubt. But, this decision to duck and run (rather than call me) would haunt me as we moved closer to a more permanent relationship.

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  17. You speak powerful words when you mentioned how painful it is to keep hanging on. I love this song because of the anguish and soul in it. I prefer Boyce because he really seems to understand the words more than Pentatonix.

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    1. It was a really tough time. However, it seems like all of my relationships have really tough moments. Yikes.

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  18. Oh. Heartbreaking. It doesn't always go the way we hope.
    Thank you for sharing with us.

    Out of these two versions, I would choose Penatonix because they have so much talent. But, I really prefer the song in its original packaging by A Great Big World. Without harmony. His voice and the piano raise goosebumps on my arms.

    HMG

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    1. Thus far, it's never gone the way I'd hope. Oh dear. That is really pitiful.

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  19. If he'd have been serious, your panic wouldn't have rattled him. There is a perfect guy for you out there and when you find him, everything will fall into place and you'll wonder why it was ever difficult.

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    1. I've never thought of it Just Like That. "If he'd have been serious..." Mind. Blown.

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  20. What a heartbreaking story, kiddo. But I'm gonna raise my eyebrows in disbelief at his assertion that he didn't receive your letters until the end of boot camp. I have NEVER heard of soldiers being denied their mail during training. I still have every letter my husband wrote me during that period, and when he was in Nam. But... I could be wrong. Maybe he was being punished? For sure, it was lousy for you.

    And that song??? OY! Talk about an exclamation point at the end of your story! I'll have to cast my vote for the first version.

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    1. Maybe I've believed a lie for a very long time. If so, I'm really glad I eventually pulled the plug on this one.

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  21. Enjoyed your story. Push me pull me relationships never seem to work out, but can drag on for a long time. Good thing you did let it keep pulling you apart.

    I preferred the Boyce version, but liked both.

    Juneta Writer's Gambit

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  22. Catching up with your Valentine's Lost and Found entry. I am sorry about the emotional trouble you went through. It is nice to see something revealing like that about yourself.

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    1. This blog is all about revealing...hmmm... maybe I should rethink that...

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  23. You're so wise. We do experience more pain when hanging on than when letting go. I think letting go is more about freedom, and sadness, but we can't grow when we hang on.

    As for the Battle, this is tough. I like the arrangement and sound of the second. But the lyrics don't work for a group. I think the song works better in the first one. So Boyce and Carly get my vote.

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    1. I wish I were wise. I think it's more like "hindsight is 20/20." Plus, I managed to do a lot of dumb things. So, I can't claim wisdom. But thanks!

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  24. GOIL WONDER ~
    Sorry I'm so late getting here. My employment schedule has me working 12.5 hour days every Monday through Wednesday (37.5 hours in 3 days), which leaves me no time for anything until Thursdays, when I begin my 4-days "off" from work.

    The bit about you writing letters to the J, not realizing he's not getting them, and your gradually unraveling, reminded me of that scene in the movie 'SWINGERS', when the guy keeps calling the girl he just met at a dance club earlier that night...

    No scene ever made me laugh more while cringing at the same time! I kept thinking: "Oh, Sheesh! Please don't pick up that telephone again!" He always did.

    That whole damned movie is HILARIOUS - one of the ten funniest ever! If you haven't seen it, you need to! Allah's Unholy Trousers!

    I'm not boasting now, but just stating a fact: I've really had strong feelings for females when it didn't work out. (And one time, I think I felt more for the female than she did for me... although that seemed to have changed, like, 15 years later.) But I've always been such a LONER - and comfortable being one - that I've not lost in love much.

    As you know, I've never been married. Never felt so strongly about a female that I wanted to wake up with her and talk to her every single day for... THE REST OF MY FRIGGIN' LIFE!!!

    I think I'm coming from such an innate Spiritual foundation that I'm less likely to be susceptible to the heartache of Love Lost. I can think of only two relationships where I felt strong pain when it didn't work out the way I wanted. The first one STILL causes me pain:

    I was in love with this girl but too shy at the time to let her know; she later wound up in an unhappy marriage, and according to her own words, she settled for a guy because she felt no other guy ever really wanted her. Try to imagine what I thought when I read THAT!! She and I were SO CLOSE that other folks thought we were Brother and Sister!

    What a star-crossed Romance I could write about THAT real-life story! I was the guy for her; she was the girl for me, but God dropped the ball! ...I jest ...I think.

    The other one is too complicated to tell. But long story short: When I was crazy about her, she wasn't crazy about me. Many years later, when she wrote and said she felt she'd lost a part of her own soul when she let me get away, I was no longer interested in her. As the JGB sang: "LOVE STINKS!"

    This Battle was really tough for me. I listened to both recordings twice each. Could hardly decide because I like them BOTH. In the end, I gotta say my vote goes to Boyce Avenue because it's a bit more raw; slightly less "polished", which fits the hard meaning of the lyrics better.

    This was a tough call but, damn-it, I MADE IT!

    ~ D-FensDogG
    'Loyal American Underground'

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    1. And the longest comment goes to...

      Seriously, great comment. I like the idea of a relationship, but the reality is that I'm obviously not very good at them since I've spent most of my life NOT in one. And I'm pretty okay with that. I mean, if I wasn't I'd be in one, right???

      As for the girl you really liked who settled... I think way too many people settle and are unhappy. We get tired of dating and think to ourselves, "Well, I guess this is as good as it gets." The thing we don't know at the time is that being alone is better than settling. That's a tough lesson.

      I wish I had something profound to say about your first (star-crossed) experience. I don't think God dropped the ball. I think that when you have a good thing going it's tough to rock the boat and change things. It could be a great change (if you're on the same page) or it could destroy what is already a beautiful relationship. I think the lesson probably lies in the wheelhouse of "taking chances." Sometimes we have to decide, if it's important, that we're willing to take the chance no matter the outcome. It could be amazing or devastating... and we're ready to go for it. So, I think you and this sweet girl dropped the ball. Neither of you was ready and and willing to take the chance and you both lost out. :(

      The battle was tough for me, too. Boyce won it soundly enough that I didn't even vote. Ha!

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  25. Voting for Pentatonix.

    I think the Bryce Ave. guy forgot he was in a duet.

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  26. Ooh. Tough battle! I loved Boyce and Carly's harmonizing and was prepared to give my vote to them. But as always, Pentatonix just elevates the song to a whole 'nother level - and I loved it! Give my vote to Pentatonix, please!

    I really enjoy reading about your life here. I am currently trying to reach in and pull out some of my feelings from the past few years - during the separation, divorce, aftermath, etc. It really wasn't bad, but it definitely changed me. I am often reminded of that sayings "When someone tells you you are too good for them, believe them" and "People will always show you who they really are, you just have to pay attention."

    Of course, all this is hindsight and therefore 20/20, right?

    I would love to join your soundtrack hop - if I can ever get my ish together and get posts and reading done in a timely manner.

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    1. First, if you decide to write Soundtrack posts just let me know and I will include you on the list. There are no rules. Just post when you like.

      Yes, this is all hindsight. I feel like I'm still only now beginning to grasp the things that happened over twenty years ago. That's really sad...:(

      Delete
  27. I loved hearing your story. That might seem a little weird, but perhaps it's because I like knowing that every woman on the planet at one time or another has experienced that uneven love. You think the guy is wonderful, you think you're on the same page, and dang it - the man can't communicate.

    That's pretty much how I sum it up. When communication is good, everybody knows where they stand. That's not to say that good communication makes anyone you want love you every minute of every day, but at least you know where you are in the big scheme of things. It makes life easier. It definitely makes it easier when you're trying to make a decision about whether or not it's time for you to move on.

    Out for the battle, holy cow! I've got to give my to Boyce Avenue and anybody singing with them, haha. You've combined the favorite song with a favorite group. I can't even consider giving my vote to anyone else. Well played my friend. Nice!

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    1. I'm all about the uneven love. If you like this one, just wait, because it only gets MORE uneven. The plus side is that I sure have learned a lot. I really don't think I'd make any of these mistakes again. Of course, that doesn't rule out NEW ones, but I'm still smarter than I was.

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  28. I loved hearing your story. That might seem a little weird, but perhaps it's because I like knowing that every woman on the planet at one time or another has experienced that uneven love. You think the guy is wonderful, you think you're on the same page, and dang it - the man can't communicate.

    That's pretty much how I sum it up. When communication is good, everybody knows where they stand. That's not to say that good communication makes anyone you want love you every minute of every day, but at least you know where you are in the big scheme of things. It makes life easier. It definitely makes it easier when you're trying to make a decision about whether or not it's time for you to move on.

    Out for the battle, holy cow! I've got to give my to Boyce Avenue and anybody singing with them, haha. You've combined the favorite song with a favorite group. I can't even consider giving my vote to anyone else. Well played my friend. Nice!

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  29. That was a lame excuse. What he meant was that he didn't want to call and have to deal with you, not that he didn't want to hurt you anymore.

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    1. Yes, it was a lame excuse. Good call.

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  30. We think the pain is in the letting go. Often it's in the hanging on. That struck a chord, Robin. A similar thing happened to me in 1990. Yes, that long ago, and it still hurts. Talk about hanging on.

    Thanks for sharing that.

    Blue

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    1. Ironically, Blue, this happened to me in the summer of 1990. I think we were on the same page!

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