Okay, we've established my senior year was really just one big party.
And still.. I made decent grades. Woohoo. I graduated with a degree in English and a loose plan for my future. When my friend Sag moved to Jersey after she graduated (one year before me) to work in The City, I started to think that sounded like a fine plan. I'd get a job in publishing and work in NYC. So, that was my plan.
A couple weeks before graduation, J1 called me on the phone. Yeah, I know you thought he was gone. Me too. And all the feelings I hoped were dead and buried, not so. They all came bubbling up to the surface, particularly when he told me his plan.
He joined the Army for a 4 year tour and put Germany as his first choice in placement. I really thought I'd just keel over and die on the spot. My mind was screaming things like, "What were you thinking?" I think I gurgled in response.
Sometimes you get crystal clear clarity when you realize you could lose someone. And that was how this decision felt to me. I realized I loved him. I didn't want him to do this thing, but it couldn't be undone. And I wouldn't love him less if I bowed out and he got himself killed. I'd just feel like I missed time. More time.
So, he and I crafted a plan for him to come to NYC (where I'd be at the end of his boot camp training) for part of his break before flying to Germany. Despite it being the worst of circumstances, we were finally both all in on this thing. At least, I thought we were all in...
If you're enjoying these posts, feel free to share your own Soundtrack. This isn't a hop. No requirements at all, but a suggestion to do it one song at a time. (If you participated in the hop several years ago, you can still do this. Just post them one song at a time, with the freedom to add more songs if you'd like.) I'll link to all participants at the bottom of each of these posts:
StMcC Presents BATTLE OF THE BANDS
Cherdo on the Flipside
Holli's Hoots and Hollers
THE DOGLADY'S DEN
Mean Who You Are
It sounds like a good plan going into it. Lots of people dream of working in NY but those jobs in publishing don't pay much compared to how expensive it is to live in the city.
ReplyDeleteThat's a whole other lesson...
DeleteI take it things fell apart at some point...
ReplyDeleteYeah, but it was slow. It's a lot less painful when it falls apart quick.
DeleteWhen the best laid plans of human and mice go astray, what should you do...... Now there's a good song for you, "Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, start all over again. "
ReplyDeleteLove you Robin and I hope you are well.
I'm very slowly learning the value in just getting on with it already.
DeleteBeen a while since I heard one of her songs. That's a hard choice, to be sure. Glad you went all in. :)
ReplyDeleteFor a time (using my 20/20 hindsight vision) I wish I'd let it all go. Maybe not here, but about three months from now. However, I learned a lot here and that's worth something.
DeleteThis is kind of one of those "wait till you hear the rest of the story to say something" posts. Other than I consider it brave to want to start out in NYC. That's an awful big bite...
ReplyDeleteCW, This story goes on and on for quite a while. I could never ditch the idea of those feelings I had for him early on (that feeling of knowing him forever and this "was meant to be") plus my ideas on what love looked like... not so good. So, I understand feeling a bit speechless right now!
DeleteI never considered how brave I used to be. You're right. Moving from the midwest to NYC at 21... pretty brave.
Oh dear. I am afraid of what is coming...
ReplyDeleteAs well you should be, my dear.
DeleteDid you ever watch Sex and The City? It reminds me of Carrie and Big. They'd get together only for her heart to be broken...again
ReplyDeleteI did watch Sex and The City... though I've never seen the entire series. I really disliked Big. From the beginning. I think it's the actor (Chris Noth) because there hasn't been anything I've liked him in. He's currently on The Good Wife and my visceral reaction of dislike is quite the same.
DeleteHowever, I loved Aidan. I hated Carrie a little bit after she left him. I think that's about when I quit the show. ha!
Haven't heard Dolly in a while, and that songs says a lot. We know you didn't continue with J1 forever... so here's to the next part of the story.
ReplyDeleteI've loved that song since I was a kid. It was one of the first records I had on a 45.
DeleteGIRL WONDER ~
ReplyDeleteThat might actually be the only Dolly Parton song I like. Never understood the attraction (well, except for... you know... but even those didn't appeal to me). But I have always liked this song.
The main reason I called you this weekend is because I was confused about something pertaining to your TSOML posts. And now THIS blog bit even adds to the confusion. Before, I was afraid that maybe I really WASN'T confused (meaning: my understanding was correct), however, now I KNOW I'm confused!!! You getting this? Or are you confused?
I love how you pretended not to hear your phone ring when I called you on Sunday, and then pretended not to discover the voice message until hours later when you knew I'd be at the sports bar crying into my beer about those horrible, Horrible, HORRIBLE Airheadzona Cardinals!
Well, guess what! Now, I'm working 12.5 hour days (6:00 AM to 6:30 PM) through Wednesday. That means no telly yakky fo' you! (No soup, either!)
But I will try calling again sometime during my next 4 days off (Thurs-Sun). Let's see you pretend you don't hear the ring and the message again!
You know, if you ignore me 70 X 7 more times, I will remove you from my last Will N. Tesdamann.
~ D-FensDogG
'Loyal American Underground'
Well, my life IS confusing. I totally get that you're up in the air. I'm a mass of contradictions. I can try and solve it for you right here (not really knowing what's got you twisted up). My decision-making was pretty lousy. I was looking for other people to fill my holes. Or alcohol. Or anything. I'd come across something and throw it in there. We both know what works, but I wasn't convinced. I thought I knew Him, but I didn't. So, I spent a lot of time running the hamster wheel. Decades.
DeleteI really didn't hear my phone. This phone requires charging constantly. I suppose it's because I sit and play games on it running the battery down... Anyway, I'd ran the battery out and put it on the charger.
I guess I'll have to wait until Thursday. Waaaah!
Good cliffhanger, Robin. The heart knows no borders, right? (Dangit!)
ReplyDeleteBe well.
The heart knows no borders. I like that. I think - in the end - we create the borders. I mean a person can only take so much heartbreak before deciding that maybe you just aren't doing it right!
DeleteThis has all the makings of a great epic story. Listening to this song again after so many years, took me back to my youth. I remember my parents would listen to it in the car a lot.
ReplyDelete