Are you tired of learning all about me yet? This might be the deciding post. You'll either be "all in" or ready to throw it in.
So, my dad didn't die, and we moved to central Ohio in a lower middle class area. It was 1980 and kids still played in the street. Atari hadn't been invented yet. And the world became a truly scary place.
I made friends with a girl down the street who went to Catholic school, while I attended public school. I considered her my "best" friend. At (public) school, I made friends with a girl one street over. I guess she was my other best friend. Or second best friend.
Anyway, the girl down the street decided to go to public school that next year (7th grade and the first year of junior high school). So, I suggested that we walk to school with my other best friend (one street over). It was only a couple of weeks before they were super chummy and I was the third wheel on a two-wheeled bike. I don't recall precisely how long after that my "best friend" said that I could walk behind them, but not beside them on our walks to school.
I know exactly what I would say to that Bullsh@t now, but then... I wasn't allowed to say those words. And the shock of hearing what she said... honestly, it took my breath away. I also can't recall how long we went on like that before I picked up what remained of my self esteem and started walking to school alone.
Meanwhile, at school there were also "problems." There was this girl who took an extraordinary amount of joy from bullying others. I didn't know then that I was just one of the people she drew blood from on a daily basis. (Thank you Facebook for reuniting people as adults so that we can share our horror stories... only to find out we're not as alone as we think. But always more alone than we'd want.) Anyway, those stories were daily... and we don't have time for that. So, I'll just share one:
One day in Home Ec we'd cooked a meal. I was sitting at my table, the first of my table peers to arrive. And this girl stands behind me holding a cup of juice over my head. And she says, "You're nobody in this school. In fact, I could pour this juice over your head and no one would care." And then we both just froze. Me in horror. Her in glee. And she held that glass of juice over my head for 24 hours. Okay, maybe 30 seconds. But it felt like 24 hours. The worst part was I believed every word she said. I was no one at the school. No one would care if she dumped that juice on my head.
This song sums up how I felt... but what I didn't have the guts to say. You know, because I wasn't anyone at that school.
I need someone, a person to talk to
Someone to care, to love
Could it be you, could it be you
Situation gets rough then I start to panic
Someone to care, to love
Could it be you, could it be you
Situation gets rough then I start to panic
It's not enough, it's just a habit
Hey, kid you're sick well, darling this is it
Hey, kid you're sick well, darling this is it
You can all just kiss off into the air
Behind my back I can see them stare
They'll hurt me bad but I won't mind
They'll hurt me bad, they do it all the time
Yeah, yeah, they do it all the time
They'll hurt me bad, they do it all the time
Yeah, yeah, they do it all the time
I hope you know that this will go down
On your permanent record
Oh yeah, well don't get so distressed
Did I happen to mention that I'm in the press
Oh yeah, well don't get so distressed
Did I happen to mention that I'm in the press
I take one, one, one cause you left me and
Two, two, two for my family and
Three, three, three for my heartache and
Four, four, four for my headaches and
Five, five, five for my lonely and
Six, six, six for my sorrow and
Three, three, three for my heartache and
Four, four, four for my headaches and
Five, five, five for my lonely and
Six, six, six for my sorrow and
Seven, seven for no tomorrow and
Eight, eight I forget what eight was for but
Nine, nine, nine cause I've lost God and
Ten, ten, ten, ten for everything
Everything, everything, everything
They'll hurt me bad, they do it all the time
Yeah, yeah, they do it all the time
Eight, eight I forget what eight was for but
Nine, nine, nine cause I've lost God and
Ten, ten, ten, ten for everything
Everything, everything, everything
You can all just kiss off into the air
Behind my back I can see them stare
They'll hurt me bad but I won't mindBehind my back I can see them stare
They'll hurt me bad, they do it all the time
Yeah, yeah, they do it all the time
I've come to realize that no one really liked junior high school (or middle school). What song would you choose to describe that time in your life?
This is a powerful piece, Robin. As a victim of bullying I know exactly how you felt back then. I can also relate to that feeling of having all the air sucked out of your lungs and being unable to breathe when you experience a major betrayal as you did when your so-called best friends decided to shut you out. If we knew then what we know now, if we had the tools, skills and strategies that we now have as adults, we might have produced a different outcome or found a more resourceful way to cope. All that matters now is that we're okay and okay, if you think about it, is great.
ReplyDeleteI wish you a safe and happy weekend, my new friend!
I could write a whole bunch of words about how we don't process the pain of this time period and Let It Go. A time comes and things are better and we say to ourselves, "I'm totally over that." And then a time comes down the road when we aren't (for many of us), and it takes YEARS to understand the illness we're experiencing right now is a by-product of this trauma (which, of course, has repeated itself).
DeleteOr to say it another way... our lives are a story. And I yak on here all the time about where I am now. Until you get where I was it's like you're reading the middle of the book. It's a bit confusing, though you understand some of it...
As for being okay... I'm working really hard toward okay. I've made a LOT of progress. For instance, these bullying stories from junior high. I tapped this crap out a while ago. I can tell these stories without feeling all wrapped up in it any longer.
It's just bad sh#t that happened. But, I've let the emotional attachment to that sh#t go.
I'm sorry that you know these feelings. I've come to realize this is actually pretty universal. We all go through some lousy lousy lousy things. If we can get to a place of okay... that's fantastic. I'm glad you did.
I feel sad for you for all the hurts that were directed your way as a child. I always blame the parents because they should be able to see their kid is a snob unless they are the original snob and pass it on to the kids. I always wonder where those snobs are today, I mean the girls who said you had to walk behind and the one about to pour something on your head. Have you ever heard what their life was/is about and exactly just where they are today. Did the universe pounce on them and repay them "in kind" or are they still threatening and hurting people? I've found that somewhere in time, the universe does take over but in the meantime, they've hurt and bullied too many innocent people. I could go on and on about injustices like this and how these small childhood hurts affect us as adults. I'm just so sorry that you were faced with the barbs of kids who had parents " very little brain."
ReplyDeleteWell, I can't tell you much about the Big Bully in Junior High. Having talked with other people on FB all these years later, I discovered that she tormented many people in junior high. She even had minions to help her, though she didn't waste their precious energy on little ole me. (I didn't know she had minions at that time. I thought they were her friends... ha!) Considering the scope and depth of the abuse she doled out, if I had to guess she learned it at home. I suspect she was bullied by her parents (aka abused) or her parents were bullies and she learned by watching. Anyway, you don't become that good at something without getting some aid (in some form) from home. So, I feel sorry for her. Her childhood was very likely a nightmare at home.
DeleteThe girl down the street. That is a more complicated and complex issue. We reconnected as adults, and I decided to give it a shot. In doing so, I feel fairly confident in saying that she is one of those people who remains fairly unaware of the damage she causes. I bet you a hundred bucks she doesn't even remember the incident I described above. If you asked her, I just quit walking with them. End of the story. Nor surprisingly, she did something hurtful again (as adults), but nearly as hurtful as the other incident (because you only allow a person so much "rope" the second time around). And we're still FB "friends." She sometimes writes messages on my wall calling me one of her oldest and dearest friends. And I think she sees it that way. So, to answer your question to the best of my ability... I don't think she enjoys hurting people (unlike the Big Bully), but she just goes out in the world and moves. And in her moving she sometimes says and does hurtful things. I guess we all do that to a degree. If I threw it out there, I might be surprised by the hurtful things I've said without knowing it...
All that said, I'm so glad I'm not a teenager in this age of technology. Cyber bullying takes it to a whole new level. Kids are killing themselves. At least I made it out alive.
Thanks for the follow-up. Yeah.....some people just never do "get it." It is healthy that you are so forgiving and are able to then put it aside.
DeleteI've thought about how I would react if I were a kid today too. It seems so much more dangerous today, to get involved in things that make you popular.
Have a happy, singing weekend.
Geez. Kids can really be pretty cruel. You should have run over that bully with that bike of yours.
ReplyDeletehahaha. Very funny. I'm a big believer in what comes around goes around, so I don't think that would've been a good idea. But still funny to contemplate.
DeleteWhen I noticed that some of the girls would try to freeze out another, I was that person in the group who left the 'in' group and began hanging out with those excluded. That was in elementary school. I knew that at any time the shallow fickle friends can turn on you, so I sought to make that other person feel better. One girl in high school tried to pick on me every chance she got,and once shoved a jar of face cream at my nose making me feel sick all afternoon (she said, here, smell this, it's nice) boy was I a fool that time, but not after that. One of my daughters now has a chronic condition and anxiety due to being bullied in the 11 and 12th grade. I would love to see bullies have to get a bit more in consequences by reinstating juvenile delinquency and harassment laws. Youth protection only seems to work for the perpetrators whose 'name cannot be mentioned'.
ReplyDeleteSeems like we always learn lessons the hard way. Yeah, I'm talking about the face cream, but really it's true for darn near everything.
DeleteI now understand that my chronic migraines all date back to this bull crap. Gosh it kinda makes me mad just typing that sentence. But, it also makes me fully understand how important it is to Let It Go. And tapping therapy has really helped me with that. I fully recommend that your daughter find a tapping therapist and see if it doesn't help her (I bet it will!).
Now that bullying has moved on to the Internet I hope that there will be consequences. They can now terrorize 24/7, BUT they also leave a trail. It wasn't so easy to find that trail before. ::Gotcha::
What song best depicts hell?
ReplyDeleteJr. High was awful. (Sorry, that's what it was when I went.) And we had a girl just like that who was massive and would take on anybody, including all the boys. She terrorized all of us.
Those two girls weren't really your best friends if they did that to you.
What song best depicts hell????? Hahahahaha. You got that right. It was hard to choose just one. I thought this one was pretty good!
DeleteNo, I figured out pretty darn quickly that those two were not only not by best friends, but not friends at all.
I know a lot of people had bad experiences in junior high or middle school, but my time wasn't like that. I always liked school and though I was a pretty tiny girl, I never had trouble with bullies. As a teacher, I always try to make sure I connected with every student every day in someway. It really mattered to some of them.
ReplyDeleteWow. There is actually someone who didn't experience bullying in one shape or form in school. Count yourself blessed.
DeleteSounds like your school days were a lot like Laurie's. Mine too, but I reacted by being a clown of sorts. If they're gonna laugh at you, let 'm laugh at what I WANT them to.
ReplyDeleteI find it interesting that guys tend to act/react in these things pretty differently from girls. Healthier, actually... bravo.
DeleteGIRL WONDER ~
ReplyDeleteThat was a very interesting song. I don't think I'd ever heard anything by the Violent Femmes before. For some odd reason I'd always assumed it was a girl group. Parts of the song I liked, parts I didn't, but I REALLY enjoyed that line about "your permanent record". Ha!-Ha!
To be honest, I pretty much liked junior high school. Played lots of sports, was involved in Little League Baseball, had some good friends at the school and overall, it was a pretty good time in my life. Apparently my experience is the exception and not the rule.
The whole bullying thing, too, isn't something I was much affected by. (I think maybe you girls were bigger bullies to each other than some of the boys were/are.) Sure, there were a couple guys I didn't like, but nothing similar to your "juice" situation.
There was one kid, Ricky, I didn't like at all, but he was just an idiot, acting out. One day this other kid, Michael (whom I did like) knocked the stuffing out of Ricky. That was a good show!
I don't know, but I think with the guys - and maybe particularly some of the schools I went to, which were lower income areas for the most part - there was just this understanding that there were plenty of guys who could fight, and so everyone mostly just left each other alone and got out our aggression on the football and baseball fields.
Probably a good song choice for me during my junior high school years would be 'TAKE ME OUT TO THE BALLGAME'.
What I really wanna know though, Robin, is what kind of juice did the girl hold over your head? You didn't say. Was it apple, or orange, or grapefruit, or tomato, or what? (Tomato would have been the worst because it probably would have stained that pretty blue dress you were wearing.)
~ D-FensDogG
'Loyal American Underground'
Part of the problem with my junior high school that I've written about before (but before you were reading this blog, I think) is that there was this huge disparity in economics. On the one hand, you had the kids who lived within walking distance from the school. They were lower middle class to middle class. Then you had the kids bussed in from up on the hill. They were the richest kids in the city and there were more of them. Probably 60-40.
DeleteAnyway, after I read the book The Outsiders, I fully identified with that book. Somehow it made it better... just knowing that I wasn't the only one going through this. Ironically, what would have made it really better is if just ONE of her countless victims confided in others. I think we could've taken her once we all rallied. Ha! I'm not much of a fighter, but I could've brought an entire bottle of juice just for her!
I think quite a number of the boys in my junior high might choose Take Me Out To The Ballgame for their song.
Grape juice, Stephen. It was grape. I like you how get down to the nitty gritty of the story.
Grape juice. That figures, the one I didn't mention. (Well, you know I'm a stickler for the details, eh?)
DeleteYou're probably on to something about the economic disparity being a key element. In my elementary and junior high schools, we were all mostly in the same boat. There were wealthier schools on the North side of town, but my friends and I, we were all in the Southern portion ("Dogtown", as in the skateboarding phenomenon).
Also, many of us saw each other outside of school due to extracurricular sporting activities. Plus, it was a very, very racially mixed area and at that time the Whites, Hispanics and Blacks all got along - again probably due in large part to sports. (I told this story somewhere on my blog, so you've probably seen it, but one Summer my Brother and I played on an all-Black softball team. We were the ONLY non-Blacks on the team and no one - not even us - ever seemed to notice that. Ha!)
'The Outsiders' - my all-time favorite teacher read that book to the class when I was in 5th or 6th grade.
~ Stephen
You were close with grapefruit. You simply must remember that in Home Ec, the juice choices were always the cheapest. Apple or grape. And they didn't have mixed juices back then either (Cran-Apple and such).
DeleteI KNOW the economic disparity was a key element. Our town had four good-sized junior high schools that all filtered into the same high school in 10th grade. Everything changed again. This time for the MUCH better.
Hi human, Robin,
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, I want to apologise for my alleged human Gary's lack of interaction on your blog recently. He has been very ill. Until he gets better, I'm doing my best to try and help him out.
This was indeed a heartfelt, painful and transparent article. Bullying, on any level, is unacceptable. As you will know, bullies are actually scared, insecure humans who need an audience and an easy target. My human was mostly ignored in high school because he didn't fit into any convenient group.
Bullying actually happened to him in later life. He was severely bullied at work, physically, psychologically and financially. The bullying almost cost him everything he loved. I have a hunch that the bullying still haunts him and might be one of the reasons he's been so ill lately.
Thank you, my kind human friend.
Pawsitive wishes,
Penny
Bullying can happen anywhere at ay time by any one.
DeleteI've become convinced that the chronic migraines that have plagued me since 2002 are the result of being faced with in adulthood many of these same feelings I'm talking about right here. We think we leave things behind, but if it still hurts, it's still there.
Penny, if you could suggest to Gary a therapy called Tapping. You can look it up on YouTube to see what it's about, but it really works best if you can go to a therapist who specializes in Tapping. You know when it works because you no longer have an emotional attachment to your own stories. These two stories used to make oh so upset every time I told them, thought about them. Now that I've tapped them out... well, they're just rotten stuff that happened, but I don't get emotionally wrecked over it any more. And that's how you know it's working. You don't lose the memory, but you do let go of the pain of the memory.
Until we let that weighty stuff go, it will continue to wear us down. And every single time we feel like those people made us feel, it's like we're right back there. And it makes us sick. Physically sick.
Feel better, my friend.
Oh those 2 girls were bitches. Sorry for being bold but I have been there as well. I was severely bullied from being told how ugly I was and the boys spitting on me and tripping me to girls literally grabbing my throat and lifting me off the floor and telling me they will slice my throat from ear to ear. I believed them. Some even said that no one cared for me and that my parents were embarrassed by me and it would be best if I just killed myself-they were goading me. I hated high school. I escaped into the Musicals of old movies. I loved ABBA and SOS was one of my favs but the one that kept me going was "We are the Champions" by Queen. I had to keep telling myself that I was one
ReplyDeleteBirgit, maybe you should be doing The Soundtrack of My Life (at your own pace) after the A to Z. I know it's painful to even think about blogging right now, but you can do this one at your own pace. I think it helps to share these big moments in our lives. We tend to discover that so many other people share variations of our moments. Believe it or not, particularly with the bad ones, it helps.
DeleteI read your comment and thought, "I always went to school feeling as though I were gearing up for war. But Birgit should have been wearing a full metal jacket." My thought after that was, "Thank goodness there was no Internet when you went to school." All that stuff those kids said to you in person, they would now be posting on social media for everyone to read. Kids are actually killing themselves.
Well, I hope you keep reading this series because my bully gets hers later. And you're gonna love the song:)
BTW, I think you're a champion. You made it out alive. If you ever find yourself thinking any of their crap, remember that is them and their story. Nothing to do with you. You were just a target for THEIR pain.
Thank you so much. My time from 7 to 19 were tough years. I am glad that internet stuff was not around then because they did target me. Now i would just tell them to go fly off a pier. You are a champion as well:)
DeleteWow, Robin, junior high was a time of great memories. Instead of being stationary in one classroom, same students, one teacher... I went into this world of movement and excitement. For the first year and a half, I lived inner city - my favorite place of all. Everyone was Motown or California sound, which made for some great after school dances.
ReplyDeleteThe last year and a half, my parents moved us to the country and oh-my-stars!! It was like living in a different world. I didn't run into bullying, though. However, in the country were these fast track boys, and their sex madness. They found I was no one to mess with, so maybe the song would be an old Buck Owen's song my Dad played: Tiger by the Tail. Ha!
And then there is Dixie. You and Stephen should have a junior high party. hahahaha.
DeleteI liked the aspect of changing classes and whatnot in junior high. It just paled against all of the rotten stuff going on at that time.
You encountered sex madness in junior high???? Where did you grow up????
Tiger by the Tail indeed.
I basically grew up inner city, where the focus was on education. We moved to the country when I was 14, where the focus was on: get a woman, get a tractor, get drunk or stoned all the time, bbq with family and friends. Nothing wrong with that (mostly), but at 14 - no way! I met girls that were having their first baby at 14, wondering what was wrong with me? Personally I suspect all that jostling on Daddy's tractor got 'em all bothered. (You hear what I'm saying, right?) We, thank the Good Lord, did not own a riding lawn mower, much less a tractor! If only I had a dollar for every hand or face I've smacked. "They" thought girls from the city would be 'loose women.' Ha ha ha! I thought "they" would be dumber than a stump - and they were... but also consumed with the sex madness. If I heard it once, I heard it a thousand times... "MY woman does..." (fill in the blank). Hey, at 14, I was nobody's woman - I still climbed trees, rode my bike, and stayed in the library - which was the safest place to be. Whodda thunk?
DeleteWow. That must've been like stepping into a different world. I suspect it would've been tough to relate to Everyone your own age. As much as I love the library (I love the library), this sounds a bit lonely. I hope you managed to find a friend who wasn't ready to settle down at 15... someone else who also wanted to get an education and learn something.
DeleteI haven't heard that VF song in years. I used to listen to that album a lot as well as their other albums. Someday I'll have to tell my story of going to a VF concert. Eventually I will since I have a VF song in my BOTB line up.
ReplyDeleteIn 1980 my son turned 3 and I was going through my first marital separation. Good and bad times that year for me. I'll agree that jr hi years were pretty weird. Not horrible for me, but without school they might have been better. I didn't get picked on to any great degree as I guess I looked intimidating enough where most of the bully types wanted to avoid any confrontation, but also because I tended to be good at mediating sticky situations and talking my way through them. One of my best friends came about after he tried bullying me and then we got to know each other. He remains a friend to this day.
I would imagine even the girls you saw as bullies had their own bullies with which to contend. Jr Hi is a time when I guess we are trying to discover who we are and invent our persona to take us into adulthood. Weird, weird times though.
Arlee Bird
A to Z Challenge Co-host
Wrote By Rote
The therapist in me says that the problem with junior high is that we see ourselves too much in the way others see us. The opinions of the people at school become the authoritative voices. The lucky ones (or smart ones) don't allow those opinions to become their own. A great many of us begin to see ourselves the way those people see us. Worse yet, we begin to talk to ourselves with that same harsh voice. We don't even need them to tell us how unloved we are because our own inner voice now speaks that language and tells us all the time how stupid, unworthy, etc. we are.
DeleteSo if you managed to miss all that "fun," I'm happy for you.
The incident with the girl holding a glass of juice reminded me of the bullies throwing slurpees at members of the school choir on GLEE. I hope she only threatened to spill the juice on your head, but that alone would have still made me cry. I hope that things got better for you in high school, Robin. Those "mean girls" were the worst. They would've been lucky to have you for a friend.
ReplyDeleteJulie
Yeah, she only threatened. No juice actually was spilled.
DeleteThings got better in high school, Julie, and then worse, and then better, and then worse. Hahahaha. I think it's called life.
Hellfire or just hell? I sat a long time thinking after reading this. Remembering. Junior high? No thanks.
ReplyDelete