Friday, January 23, 2015

BoTB Results and Liner Notes of My Marriage (A Wild West Show)



Let me begin by apologizing for being so late with the results from Battle of the Bands. My migraines have been acting up. What I mean by this is: my chronic migraine has amped up to the point that for the last few days I've spent more time in bed that out of it. And I haven't been sleeping. I also haven't been doing anything "fun." So, it's just been lying there listening to my head pound.

Anyway, that's also the reason I've been so neglectful of your blogs. What time I've spent out of bed hasn't been here on the computer catching up on blog reading.

Anyway, this race wasn't even close, though many of you indicated that the decision was tough for you. So, even though Louis Armstrong won this by miles and miles, many of you gave a smile and nod to Norah Jones. Final tally without my vote:

Louis Armstrong: 20
Norah Jones: 5

I really like both versions, but I'd vote for Norah (not that it matters). I've got her CD and I enjoy listening to it very much.

If you're keeping up at all, I've been giving you the "liner notes" of my life in conjunction with Train songs. I had a pretty good formula in place. Take the albums in order. Play the title cut and then one or two of my favorites. Just so you know the next album will be Save Me San Francisco, but we're not going there today.

Instead, I'm going to address this little comment that Bryan over at A Beer For The Shower made about country music when he saw that my battle was Cold, Cold Heart. "I saw the words "country music" and immediately thought 'oh God no.'" (Oh Bryan, if only you could've seen my head shaking at this comment...)

I addressed this issue with him off of Blogger and we've been doing some music sharing (I think to the pleasantry of both parties). One of the first country tracks I shared with him was the last cut, Live This Life on Big & Rich's first album, Horse of A Different Color. If you want to listen to it, click here. (Stephen T. McCarthy, I think you'll really like this one!) Anyway, Bryan liked it better than he though he might, but not as much as I'd hoped.

So, this next one is for Bryan (and the rest of you non-country music fans, as well as the country music fans). It also goes with the liner notes of my life, which will come after the song. Try and think about this song in terms of what it's like to go through a divorce or particularly devastating break-up. It gets ugly. It gets messy. Sometimes you wonder if either one of you will survive it. It really is its own Wild West Show.


Check out these lyrics:

I'm feelin' like Tonto,
Ridin' a Pinto,
Tryin' to chase the Lone Ranger down.
I'm a little unraveled,
But I'm still in the saddle,
Cryin' your name out to the clouds,
Hey yaw, Hey yaw!

Why don't you meet me,
Back at the tepee?
We'll lay down by the camp fire.
There, in the dark night,
We'll smoke the peace pipe,
Forget about who's wrong or right.
Hey yaw, Hey yaw!

Yeah, it was a big showdown,
Oh yeah, we stood our ground.
Shot out the lights:
It got a little crazy.
I don't wanna see us go,
The way of the buffalo:
Don't wanna have another wild west show.
Hey yaw, Hey yaw!

Only forgiveness,
Will finally end this.
There won't be a witness if we both fall.
There's never a hero,
In a battle of ego.
There's never a winner of the quick draw.
Hey yaw, Hey yaw!

Yeah, it was a big showdown,
Oh yeah, we stood our ground.
Shot out the lights:
It got a little crazy.
Don't wanna see us go,
The way of the buffalo:
Don't wanna have another wild west show.
Hey yaw, Hey yaw!

Hey yaw, Hey yaw!

It's like a ghost town,
Without you around.
Why can't we just forget it,
Ride off in the sunset?

It was a big showdown,
Oh yeah, we stood our ground.
Shot out the lights:
It got a little crazy.
I don't wanna see us go,
The way of the buffalo:
Don't wanna have another wild west show.
Hey yaw, Hey yaw!

I'm feelin' like Tonto,
Ridin' a Pinto,
Tryin' to chase the Lone Ranger down.

So, I had my therapy appointment this week. We were doing something different this time. The issue had to do with loss of voice (which is work we started at the last appointment) after the ribbon incident with my mother at Sam's Club. Anyway, the resulting migraine made it clear that it wasn't about ribbon. Last time, I made this very long list of incidences in which I felt a loss of voice. This week, we started with the ribbon and moved backward. Every single incident, other than the ribbon, was something that happened with me and my now ex-husband. I thought of the incident, went through it in my head, and then told it out loud to my therapist. Rinse and repeat. Over and over and over again. The idea (I think) was threefold. I'd remember more each time I did it. I'd peak emotionally at some point in the middle (often involving crying and tissues) and then become more detached from it each time I told it. Yeah, this meant telling the same story twenty or more times. I was exhausted by the time I left that appointment (and migrainey!)

And just like in this song, a good bit of time I felt like Tonto riding a Pinto trying to chase The Lone Ranger down. I was also really unraveled, fell out of the saddle, and spent a lot of time on the ground (no, I know that wasn't the lyric, but that's how it was). It did get a little crazy. We never literally shot out the lights, but before it was all said and done I could pinpoint the exact moment I stopped loving him and actively began to hate him. (Big stuffs, kids!) I also pinpointed the exact moment I hated me, which was direct result of not being able to SPEAK UP and tell him how I felt. It's really bad when you exercise your voice and the other party refuses to hear you, doesn't care, etc. It's WORSE when you stifle yourself.

And, like the song says, Only forgiveness will finally end this. I was divorced in 2005. It was shocking to me that I was still stuck in that place. That place of lack of forgiveness. Not so much of him, but of ME. I accepted a while ago that you can't hate a snake for being a snake. It's just being true to its nature. However, when you know something's a snake and you STILL pick it up and put it in your pocket... That's where I was getting stuck.

In other words, he showed me who he was before I married him. All the clues were there. And I still picked up the snake and put it in my pocket. I didn't really want to (which shames me to no end). Heck, I blogged about the inciting incident a long time ago and thought I was beyond it. I had reasons, but they WERE NOT GOOD ENOUGH. If you are reading this and scratching your head... maybe even rereading it not sure that you understood it... let me make this very clear. The incident in question happened a few months before we were married. I felt financially pressured to go through with it. I felt emotionally pressured to go through with it. Neither of these reasons were good enough to actually go through with it.

After that, I experienced a whole bunch of rationalization to make it "okay enough" in my own mind to proceed. Not that it was actually okay. I rationalized the situation (aka the relationship) into something it never was.

So, all of this work was about seeing it all clearly. Fully understanding the choices that I made. Fully realizing the importance of voice so that I don't ever repeat these mistakes. They are too damn costly. They cost your health. They cost your peace of mind. They cost your time. And the only place they lead is to a Wild West Show.




26 comments:

  1. Wish I could give you a hug. Hope the things you've realized help with the migraines.
    Our family listens to all kinds of music including some country. I like Big and Rich.

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  2. Funny how the incidents in which we can't forgive ourselves hang around long after the people involved have moved on. It's like "maybe if I never forgive myself, it will be sufficient pennance and I will be forgiven." I never got migraines from this, but I have a handful of similar memories- including from my divorce.

    One thing I went through was at Promise Keepers, where I spent time- sorta- with my deceased father, and brought up all the things between us, and "listened" as he answered. I think it helped me a lot. It helped me to see there was more than just his bad side- and to understand the people who really loved him from only seeing his good side. The constant dreams of him playing the villain subsided to the point of near non-existence. It didn't change him, but the way I saw him- without adding fantasy things that weren't there. He was still a warted frog, but shades of the prince were there. I can honestly say I wish I felt about him then how I feel since.

    In a real way, it brought me to forgiving him, AND forgiving myself as a result. I pray you find peace in your situation. Mine may not be perfect, but it is healed.

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  3. I am a huge country rock fan. As for mistakes, thank God I never made one. Regardless of the outcome of my decisions, they all came from me.

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  4. Sometimes I think it can be hardest to forgive ourselves.

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  5. All those choices, even the bad ones, bring us to where we are right now. And we can't change the past, so we may as well accept it for what it is and look forward.

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  6. Oh, Robin, I so get this post. My voice was stifled for so many years, too. You are doing such good work to heal from all of this. I hope the migraines pass soon.

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  7. I think you are doing an awfully good job working on that voice. Keep it up.

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  8. Susan ~ In the blog world a lovely comment is like a hug.

    CW ~ There are all sorts of way to "let something go and forgive." It sounds like you needed Promise Keepers for your father. I think that says it's never too late for forgiveness to happen. Forgiveness is vital for US. It lets US move on. Thank you for sharing your story.

    JJ ~ I suppose that is one way of looking at it. Those choices weren't mistakes. They were just choices with less than desirable consequences.

    Marcy ~ I totally agree. It's actually much easier to forgive someone else.

    Elizabeth ~ Also true. What are our mistakes but tools to learn from as we proceed forward???

    Thank you Dixie!

    Karen ~ I'm glad it touched you. If you are feeling even remotely stifled, this is a good reminder to speak up.

    Liza ~ Yes, I feel like I'm making progress:)

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    1. Exactly!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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  9. It would be so much easier if we could just quickly forgive ourselves for our mistakes, and move on. Your only mistake was in loving someone, and hoping he would change. It does sound like these sessions are helping you, despite how each one feels like a worse reenactment of Ground Hog Day. Keep up the good work, and hopefully your migraines will become few and far between. This is a great song that really sums up what you've been going through! Feel better, Robin!

    Julie

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    1. Oops...that's Groundhog Day. Sorry about that.

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  10. I think many of us have been there regarding marrying someone when deep down we know it is a mistake. My mom married her first husband and to this day she has no idea why because she stated she didn't even like him (I think it was the rebel in her as everyone was telling her he was no good). My present hubby was married before and he mentioned that as he was seeing her walk down the aisle he was looking at the side door thinking he should have taken it. These choices make us learn what not to do in the future:) As for your migraines, my friend also suffered this week. The week before she had another botox and she lost count after 30 needles! She said it was a killer. I hope the migraines ease up a bit. My friend's grandmother also suffered with them and she found some relief by taking oxygen

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  11. Gads...reading about a few folks with major migraine issues this week...hope yours pass!

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  12. GIRL WONDER ~
    I listened to both of them. The one you thought I might like, I liked better than the other ('Wild West Show').

    Unfortunately though, neither one really reached out and pulled me in. I'm at a place right now, emotionally and spiritually, where I don't think anything could reach out and pull me in.

    ~ D-FensDogg

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  13. Being stuck in a place of lack of forgiveness can definitely hold us back in so many ways. I read once that to forgive is to set a prisoner free, and to realize that the prisoner was us...

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  14. I guess I lied, because I just realized I like a country artist. I'll send you one of his songs later.

    Since I want to keep this lighthearted, I'll share a story about my brother in law. He met a girl that was absolutely terrible for him and we all knew it. He proposed, she said yes, she immediately let her true colors show, and he said he knew he shouldn't marry her but was going to anyway because of social pressure. We couldn't stop him, and he wasn't going to stop himself, so he had fun with it. He showed up to the wedding in a t-shirt and shorts, and his first song request for the dancing part was 'Golddigger' by Kanye West.

    Marriage lasted one whole year despite that. No one said either of them were smart.

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  15. Dangit. I've been out of the blogging loop. I would have voted for Norah too. I LOVE her. I can listen to all her CDs all day long and not get sick of her music.

    I don't know if I could tell the same terrible story over and over again like that. I already have a tendency to get emotionally stuck with stuff. If it helps to move on, then that's good. I have stuff that happened to me in childhood that if we sat down to talk about it, you'd swear it just happened today.

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    1. Jay, the stuff that makes you feel that way (like it happened five minutes ago, rather than when you were five) well, that's the stuff we need to release the most. It isn't forgetting. It's releasing all of that negative emotion attached to the memory.

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  16. I'm sorry you're still down w/the migraines.
    As for Country music, my husband hates it too. He can't even tolerate snippets, so I have no clue what any of the current songs/music are... pity that.

    I'm so surprised N.Jones got so smoked w/this one!

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  17. OK, I just watched another full disc of JOAN OF ARCADIA. Every time they show the city skyline, I say to my Brother, "That's not Arcadia". And it's not. I haven't figured out yet what city it really is, but it's certainly not the Arcadia I remember being in.

    This disc contained the episode NIGHT WITHOUT STARS that you like to quote from: God saying you can set down the weight any time you're tired of carrying it. That was a great episode, by the way.

    This was an EXCELLENT show, and the guy at Amazon who wrote that the show had lost its touch after the 8th episode was insane. I'm still enjoying it as much as I did on the first DVD.

    I love the little wave that God often gives Joan when walking away from her and without looking back at her. I first noticed that God as Iris did it a couple times. Then later I noticed that God as other Characters also did it. It makes me laugh every time - it tickles my funny bone.

    My Brother hadn't noticed it, but now that I've pointed it out to him, he laughs too when he sees it.

    That little wave without a look back is like saying, "Nope. That's it for now. Carry on, Joan". Love it!

    And then when Iris walks Joan home at night. She's like, "Great. I'm being escorted home by a six-year-old girl". But don't nobody mess with that six-year-old girl!

    I really dig it when God shows up as a Character and I didn't see Him coming. Like when he was giving that speech as a scientist/psychologist at the school. He just seemed so wacky that even the principal cut him short. But then in the hallway afterwards He says, "How did you like my speech, Joan?"

    This is one of the best Dramas ever produced on television, and I'm not normally into the dramas at all. But still there's enough comedy in each show to keep me entertained.

    I gotta admit, Girl Wonder, when you first told me about this show, I didn't expect to like it much. I thought "Eh" was about the highest grade it would get from me, so I am shockingly and pleasantly surprised by how much I'm enjoying it. THANKS!

    ~ D-FensDogg
    'Loyal American Underground'

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    1. First, I'm really glad you're enjoying this show. I think every episode will hit you differently depending upon where you are in your life. In other words, I've watched the whole thing several times and taken away something new with each watching (in virtually every episode). I have to say that the most painful watching marathon occurred in 2005 after my divorce. I cried in nearly every episode (if not all of them) at some point. Ah well... and so it goes.

      Yes, I was unsure how to respond to that person's comment on YouTube that the show lost something after the eighth episode. I thought it was excellent right up until the ending. It was clear at the end of season two that they were going to break from the existing formula and add a new layer into the show. I really wanted to see how that panned out. Turns out, it didn't. Ah well... and so it goes.

      NIGHT WITHOUT STARS. One of my favorite episodes on the show. The little girl God (whose name is not Iris) is probably my favorite way God manifests. Iris is Adam's girlfriend with the squeaky (and very annoying) voice. And she calls him "A," which drives me batshit crazy. Of course, in contrast, I love that Adam calls Joan "Jane." Maybe I'm the crazy one. Ah well... and so it goes.

      The wave. You were probably so enamored of the general awesomeness of the show that you missed it in Episode 1. The wave is consistent throughout and also cracks me up. You can find it here at approx the 8:20 mark.

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Red02ybMmmo

      One of my favorite (one-time only Gods) occurs early on, but I can't recall what show it was (or I'd look for it) when Joan returns Adam's backpack all worried he has weed in it. As she's leaving school, the guy in a bucket truck calls her by name. I can't even remember what the point was, but Joan says, "It's anti-climatic." And God says, "I think you mean anti-climactic. Anti-climatic is being against the weather." Hahahahaha. God is funny. God has a sense of humor.

      Ah, you're welcome. Before it's done you may surprise yourself and actually buy it on disc. Wouldn't that be SOMETHING????

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    2. GIRL WONDER ~
      Me buying the DVDs later is definitely not outside the realm of possibility.

      I forgot to mention this: In an episode we watched last night, I was just cracking up when Joan has the kids make a pinata and it causes a problem with Iris ("A's" girlfriend) so she goes chasing after Iris but before she does she sees Little Girl God in the background - the smallest kid in the room - and she yells, "You're in charge until I get back!" I was howling with laughter. Nappy too.

      OK, I knew Adam's girlfriend was named Iris, and I thought it strange that they gave a character the same name as Little Girl God. Apparently Little Girl God doesn't have a name, is that right?

      What confused me is that someone on a website somewhere referred to the Little Girl God as Iris, so I assumed the person knew what they were talking about since I hadn't even encountered the Little Girl God yet in my viewings. So, I'm not a total idiot. I was just misinformed by someone on the Internet.

      Yeah, I distinctly recall that conversation about "anti-climatic".

      And you're right, I didn't catch that first wave in the first episode. That's because the first time I noticed it, it was given by Little Girl God and it was shot from the reverse angle (us looking at Her back as she walks away), and that's the same way I noticed it a second time, same God character, same camera angle. After that I began noticing it from other God characters also, but usually as they're walking away from Joan, their back facing the camera. It plays much better that way. Great little touch.

      OK, here's something I really enjoyed in an episode last night. The one about the Black girl living in a shelter, jumping rope and not going to school. God appears as a Rastafarian-looking guy with dreadlocks playing an acoustic guitar in the park. And the song He's singing is the theme song of the JOAN OF ARCADIA show. I loved that, made me laugh. It was like "breaking the fourth wall".

      ~ D-FensDogg
      'Loyal American Underground'

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    3. For a drama, it's pretty funny. And also can be very sad. I'm always amazed when a show can make you howl with laughter and also cry your eyes out.

      None of the God characters have names. If you ever visit actual JOA websites, they refer to them as they look. Goth God. Teenage Boy God. Old Lady God. Little Girl God. They are all God and made distinctive by how they look or the role they play in the show. I think one of the one-time only Gods was called Chess God.

      Paying attention to something a random person wrote on the internet: first mistake. hahahaha.

      I can't think of the name of that episode. It may have been called JUMP. The end scene of that one was one I included in that massive HERE'S TO YOU sendoff for F-FFF. Another one of my favorite episodes. It's occurring to me that I have A LOT of favorites. Maybe I should stop using that word.

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  18. My daughter-in-law suffers with migraines so my heart always hurts for you when you're having trouble with yours. Be well.

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  19. Gosh, where have I been? You posted this a week ago! Armstrong really took that battle by force. It was a good one.

    All this knocking country music is somewhat annoying to me. Especially the modern stuff like the example you give is really closer to rock than country. Good stuff. If anybody else uses that word "twangy" to describe a vocal I might seek them out and twang them on the back of the head. That's like making fun of someone for their accent. Some people just sing like they talk and I've become kind of endeared to Southern accents having lived in the region for so long.

    I agree that divorce sucks. I've been through two of them and don't ever want to deal with another. I'll admit my part of the guilt, but it's also a two way thing in most cases. I've forgiven myself and my exes though I don't know that I'll ever speak to my second again, but that's only because it's like she once said, "We have nothing else to say to each other." I don't really believe that but I'll accept it.

    My first ex though is okay and we do talk or correspond occasionally--not that often, but sometimes. She did wish me a happy birthday yesterday and that was nice.

    But yeah, divorce is wrong and it's a miserable experience.

    New BOTB post tomorrow! See you there!

    Arlee Bird
    A to Z Challenge Co-host
    Tossing It Out

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