Honestly, I wish one of you could smack me. As in Literally. Smack. Me.
Some people never learn. I think I just might be one of those people. Seriously. A dumbass. There really are times that you should keep your opinion to yourself even when it seems like someone wants your opinion. They don't. It only appears that they do. But, they don't. They really don't. Even what you give to them is basically a rehash of what they just said to you. Even if you are affirming what they said... they do not want that. All of the signs point to them wanting that, but they don't.
And I should know this. Because the territory that we are in is marital territory. Worse yet, it is rocky marital territory. And when the signs point to the husband being a real jerk to your friend (even if he is a sick jerk, which only makes it worse, for the record) you should keep your opinions to yourself. Even if those opinions sound supportive, it turns out they are not. Because sick husband has lots of pull and is trying to manipulate friend into life altering decisions. And those decisions are clearly not good for your friend, so you say so.
Bad idea.
Why? Because friend is angry at sick husband, but feels guilty about being angry at sick husband. However, once she thinks about what you have said, she can transfer all of that anger onto you. Even though the only things that you said were repeats, for the most part, of what she said. To be fair, I did come up with a possibly crazy idea that husband might have had that made him look very bad and was completely loco. However, husband is acting loco.
The other thing is that my friend is the nicest person I know. As in 100 times nicer than I am. And I got run over by a master manipulator. Her husband has her tied up in knots. Sounds like he is already doing some manipulating of his own. I know what it is like to get taken down. I just didn't want to see it happen to her. And in the process of trying to protect her... well, I think we really aren't talking anymore.
I sent her an apology email a month ago and told her that I just wanted to support her no matter what. Nothing.
I sent her an email this morning... long and detailed about the death of my aunt. She sent me back one sentence telling me that she was sorry and another that she was praying for me and my mother. Then she said that things were better at her house and included a sentence about her kids. Four sentences. My grief totaled four sentences for her. One I'm sorry. One pray for you and mom. And two more to let me know that her family was carrying on good as new.
I am losing my faith in people. I used to hold that Anne Frank quote close to the chest for dear life, "I still believe that people are good at heart." I am no longer convinced. I feel a lot more like Greg House on House, MD. "Everyone lies." He is a big believer in disappointment. You expect people to lie, cheat, etc. then you will not be disappointed. It is only when you raise the bar and have expectations that you flounder around in disappointment like jelly in a jar.
I am sitting here thinking about how to end this blog and wishing that I had the other point of view, her point of view, to close with, in order to give this all meaning. I pushed all of her concerns back at her so hard because they were valid and she needed to stand up for herself. Instead, she got so angry that she couldn't even stand up to ME. We have been best friends since the seventh grade. She met this man three years ago and got married after knowing him only a couple of months. If she can't stand up to me, who will love her forever and always, no matter what she says, how can she stand up to someone who she feels has no respect for her (her words)?
And why am I the person she is no longer speaking to and things are peachy with him?
image found on someone's facebook page.... hilarious. subject matter of this blog not at all funny.
because she has invested in her role as wife of sick/possibly dying man. She has invested in her role as victim. She wanted you to feel sorry for her...not push her to stand up for herself. This way she not only gets to be the victim of her marriage...she gets to be the victim in your friendship as well. That way, the next time something like this happens..you can simply say "Oh, I am sorry to hear that..what an awfult hing for him to do" because she will have taught you to not expect action from her..to not reach for something better from her. She doesn't want to take responsibility for her life..she simply wants to bitch about it. Robin, your only flaw is the assumption that people are like you. That they naturally want a better life. Some don't..some just want to wallow. Hugs. I have had the same thing happen. It's up to you whether you want to ingratiate yourself again..is it worth it to you? Is the part of your freindship tha tis good worth the knowledge of who she is.
ReplyDeleteHugs to you hon.
Oh, Robin- I secretly believe that most people actually enjoy learning things the hard way and that they can't truly learn unless it is done with some sort of cost- a sort of populist masochist leaning in the general population overall. Crazy, I say. I would so much rather watch and learn. I've had enough pain in this life and certainly don't require it to get a lesson. I believe this of you as well. But that is the exception. And I guess you thought your friend was the exception as well. Sometimes when we really love someone we only see the best in them. But this person wasn't ready for your brand of honesty. Save it for someone who is. They will appreciate what you have to offer. The key is figuring out who those people are before we interact and put our honest selves out there. I'm not always accurate with this myself, so I get it. But don't give up hope. She may yet see what you gave back to her or you may find someone else who shares your want to be so real.
ReplyDeleteSweetie... the fact is... that in Life, there is one and only one person that we can REALLY rely upon... trust in... and that's ourselves.
ReplyDeleteOther people have their own issues that arise, and we just can't (and probably shouldn't) rely on them to be there for us. I mean, if we have to ask for their support, Hell, it really isn't support...
*huggles*
~shoes~
The worse place to be is in the middle. I hate it there. And I hate it when people put me there and when I allow myself to be put there. It's never good for the person in the middle. Never. Does that mean we give up? Nope. We just keep on and keep on and keep on. Because, sometime/somewhere, someone will show us that there are really good folks out there. Somewhere.
ReplyDeleteYou're right, most of people don't want real advice, they just want you to convince them that they're right, and if she felt guilty for being angry at sick husband then, well, that's really difficult territory to be honest. There's nothing you can do now, you apologized, but, in the first place, you haven't done anything wrong, you're not the one who's in the wrong here, so no point in losing faith in everyone. Just give her even some more time (like you can do anything else...) and if thing's are still like that, then, really, it's out of your hands now. Sure it's not the most pleasant situation, but you can't apologize on and on for trying to be a good friend. If she doesn't get that, then - what can you do, really.
ReplyDeleteAnd, you know, as much as I agree (still, despite everything) with Anne Frank, I also agree with House. Life's pretty messed up. Oh, and I also agree with Jasmine here - people *do* enjoy learning things the hard way...well, in the end, I think it's the only possible way to learn anything at all...
Just remember my dear that many people love being Martyrs, look at me, I feel so bad, I am treated badly. They don't want answers, they want you to confirm their Martyrdom. I am sorry you are going through this. Sadly this won't end well for your friend. Be here friend, but don't buy into her 'stuff.' Praying for your friend & for you. So sad that so many feel so little about themselves and about their children!
ReplyDelete