I'm about to shove that book up your...::Merry Christmas::

I think I mentioned that this was the strangest Christmas ever here in the land of Robin.  What with the move at the end November, there just was NO time for Christmas shopping, decorating, gifting, etc.  We let everyone know that we simply were not gifting this year.  We LOVED everyone just as much as ever, but we were stretched and stressed out. 

With this in mind, I knew it would make for a bizarre-o Christmas for H-Girl and C-Man.  I used to be The Gifter like that insane woman in the commercial who buys buys buys.  Yes, I was a Dream Come True for a kid.  I loved Christmas as a kid and I wanted them to love it, too.  I wanted them to have all of my traditions and feel.the.love.  As it turns out, my ex had tons of traditions of his own, and his family had lots of love to give, too.  So, they were WELL LOVED on Christmas.  By Christmas afternoon they went into Christmas shell-shock.  And still the gifts kept coming.  So much family dysfunction.  So many divorces.  So many relatives.  So much LOVE.

After my ex and I divorced, I decided that it was a good thing when I moved to FL, and I actually did Christmas with them in January.  They had a few weeks to come off the Christmas high.  I also decided, at long last, to tone it down somewhat.  A serious lack of finances will do that to you.  Add to that the realization that all of that STUFF wasn't actually making them better people.  Go figure.  Did you know that more stuff in the hands of children does not equate to a better child?  Seriously.  I have seen the results.  It is fact.

However, I knew that "no gifts this year" would not make me the best non-mom ever.  So, I decided, as I was packing up my stuff, to go through it and give them the gift of me.  Stuff I would like them to have maybe a little sooner than I intended.  Or stuff that I thought they would like that was currently mine.  It turned out that this was easier for H-Girl than C-Man since we are both... girls.  I did luck up and find the comforter that I bought for C-Man back when I was planning on redecorating his room WAY back in the day.  As in back when he lived with me.  Yeah, that was in storage a long time.  Fortunately, I chose something that was suitable for a boy of any age.  Lucky me.  The rest of the boy stuff looked a lot like this:

In addition to the novels, I did find a book on Astronomy to mix it up.  And I also found some "really old" books that I thought were interesting, simply because they were the first books I bought with my own money from Scholastic Book Services.  Ergo, they were important to me.  I also found a Neil Simon play because the kid showed some interest in drama at school last year.  However, I should have realized that he had totally lost all interest in reading and this was NOT going to be a hit when he was not happy about his birthday present (another book) that I had shipped to him earlier in December.  He was less than thrilled to get it. 

When I saw him he still had not read it.  So, I should have known that this bounty of books was going to go over like... well, a bad smell.  What did he say about my precious books, that I had so valiantly saved because they were my first ever book purchases?  "Oooh, they are old.  Look at the pages.  They are yellowing.  What is the copyright date on this?  1981.  Mommy, you are REALLY OLD." 

He had been quoting from the Neil Simon play as he was flipping through it earlier.  I hadn't really looked at it as thoroughly as I should have, and Mr. Simon used the sh*t word quite frequently.  C-Man found this to be rather amusing.  He substituted poop and kept quoting from the play.  One of the lines was about shoving something up someone's something.  I then told C-Man if he didn't lay off my book I was going to shove it up his ::something::  Merry Freaking Christmas.

Ironically, this story usually plays the other way.  Usually C-Man is a darling and H-Girl has me pulling my hair.  H-Girl was a delight.  She loved all of her hair things, fingernail polish, pedicure kit, the tiara I gave her from when I married her dad (let's face it, I won't be using that again), some purses, a tye-dye kit, some pictures in frames from when she and her brother were younger, and bracelets like these that I made when I was a camp counselor:

Those she really loved.  None of mine had the cool peace sign, but she REALLY liked them, and she thought it was pretty awesome that I knew how to make them.  I think I went up a notch.

I also gave C-Man all of my favorite cartoons that I had cut out from the newspaper and saved from the 80s.  I don't think it even registered.  He is hording that along with my treasured Calvin and Hobbes Book that was a collector's item. I gave that to him last year.  He probably lost it.  I would ask, but I just don't want to hear him tell me that he has "no idea" where it is.  I'd hate to lose control of my arm and accidentally clock him in the jaw.

My doctor told me this last visit that my stress is way too high.  She says that I need to do one hour of meditation daily.  I think she's right.


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It Went Down Just Like This

I promised you with an update about *something* in my last post. I had my doctor giving so many of my crazy symptoms a name. And some promise for understanding some of my other more painful symptoms. It is like the jigsaw coming together. And I told you I had a purpose for that day. BTW, that felt really good, and reminded me that we need a purpose every day... no matter how large or small.

First of all, I know the medical speak can get confusing. And I don't want to explain something to anyone who is going to say, "Well duh." But I don't want to not explain and leave someone scratching their head, either.

So, I am going to go with the easiest possible terminology whenever possible and over explain. For those of you who have no contact with autoimmune issues. It means it is the body attacking the body. That simple and that complicated. For whatever reason, the antibodies in the body decide that specific tissue, organs, etc. are the "enemy," even though they are not, and launch an assault. You are literally being attacked from within. Not without. And, from my limited experience with this... I have a few of these suckers... the doctors have no real clue what they can do other than band-aid. They have yet to find any "cure." Do I think there is a cure? Yes. When Eastern meets Western medicine and works together, they will find a cure. Until then, not so much. (Thanks to all who have sent me ideas to check out. I am open to alternatives!)

The other thing about autoimmune diseases... if you are diagnosed with one... Be prepared. Slowly but surely, various systems start to turn. It often doesn't happen all at once. But it is the RARE individual who only has one autoimmune issue.

Last, in any health situation stress makes everything worse. For autoimmune cases, I think that stress might be the trigger that fires the gun that turns a specific set of antibodies against you. My theory.

I believe I wrote a blog about The Pain Circle I was in with my migraines back in 2006. That was when I Fell Through The Floor. I really hadn't been able to work in the better part of a year. I had been suffering with a daily migraine since 2003. I was existing on painkillers. But I financially hit the wall in 2006. That was just about the same time that my doctor eliminated everything else EXCEPT an adrenal problem.

I did this saliva test that is way more reliable than a blood test over a 24 hour period of time to measure the cortisol that my adrenal gland was producing. It also measured all of my other hormones. Basically, my adrenal gland was shot and unable to produce much of any cortisol. However, I had this horrendous migraine all of the time. You must understand this: all pain triggers a fight or flight response. The brain immediately sends a message to the adrenal gland for cortisol that IT CANNOT IGNORE even though it has nothing to give. So, it goes to the only source it has: the other hormones. It borrows from them and turns them into cortisol, fulfilling the brain's request for cortisol, but creating an imbalance. That imbalance only made my migraine WORSE. Pain triggers a fight or flight response... And that is THE PAIN CIRCLE. I had been living in that for three years by the time we figured it out.

I sold my house, quit my job, moved out of state to live with my parents, started a vitamin program, also started a 3 month internal hydro cortisone program to help my adrenal gland make cortisol, and hoped for the best. It was better. Not great. But better. The severity of my migraines lessened. Although I could never get off the pain pills. I maybe didn't take as many, but the migraine just wouldn't go away.

When we moved back here in 2009, I had a terrible allergic reaction that completely blew my recovery. Every positive step I made I lost... and then some. I can't begin to tell you how discouraging that was. The body perceives everything as stress. Allergies included. My lesson book was getting bigger. (Relationships, jobs, allergies (food and the other kind), pain, heat, smells.... how big was this list going to get???)

It became clear very quickly that I wasn't going to be able to work at all and filed for SSD. That meant that I became completely reliable on my dad to pay what bills I had. Stress. It also became clear that I was sinking his ship. Once I realized that I filed for Bankruptcy. Add Money/Bills to the List. Or maybe Bankruptcy.

With an SSD claim, you have to see your doctor and a specialist monthly to prove you're sick. But you can't work. This drags on for years. My insurance was terrible. My bills were piling up. Money continued to be Stress. Add to that... the doctors couldn't actually DO anything to get me better because that would really cost something. Uggghhh. Treading water.

Then my dad was diagnosed with cancer in Feb 2011. Stage 4. He died in May that year. Grief, Misery, Death. Add those to the List. Stressed Out.

My aunt was diagnosed with cancer in Feb this year and died week later. Death stays on the List. Stressed Out.

A couple months ago, my dog went through months of pain limping around before being diagnosed with cancer and having her leg amputated. The cancer was bad. Making the decision of how to deal with it was equally bad. Stressed Out.

I look at these as Stress Dominoes. Some were knocked over quickly and some slowly. Some have been set up as early as my childhood since I have been plagued by allergies since I was a kid. My immune system has been at war my whole life. I think my adrenal gland has been fatigued since I was a kid. It just became SERIOUSLY, CHRONICALLY fatigued starting in 2003. The migraine was the screaming symptom. And I Fell Through The Floor in 2006. I have been trying to climb out since.

Vestibular therapy for my inner ear problem alerted me to the problem that things had really gotten BAD. Funny how things work. Because I was there 2x a week, I was getting my BP taken that often. After my aunt died, it dropped. It has always been low, but it became so low that they couldn't work on me. It was regularly 75/50, 79/53, 74/52, etc. Sometimes my top number would jump into the 80s. But then my bottom number would do this: 80/60. My therapist would say, "Robin, there should be more distance between these two numbers. There is almost literally no blood moving." Or should we get lucky and my top number would be higher, but my bottom number would still be hovering around 50. No matter what, it was BAD.

I saw a cardio guy. No heart problems. He said it was probably adrenal. And that was when I saw an adrenal specialist.

Mind you, I already knew going In to see him that I was hypothyroid (under active thyroid). I had been diagnosed with that about six months ago and have been taking the thyroid medication (more or less). Honestly, I wasn't that worried about it because my blood test indicated my case was mild. So, the doctor set me up for this infusion thing. Takes blood and then infuses me with cortisol and then takes blood again for the next hour and a half over half hour intervals.

What I didn't tell the doctor was that I was taking Dr. Wilson's Herbal Adrenal Support Formula. This is something I have taken in the past off and on. I have to get it online and I usually forget to order more. So years can go by without me taking it. Yeah. I know. Anyway, when the blood pressure junk started, it occurred to me that it was probably adrenal, and not heart. I went online and ordered some more and started taking it. I was drinking it that day in my juice as they were doing the infusion. It never occurred to me that I might skew their test.

So, my doctor was very puzzled by my results. The thyroid was a disaster. My levels were off the charts bad. My antibodies were autoimmune. In other words, they are actively attacking my thyroid. Worse news, there is nothing doctors know to treat this... bah. I have my own ideas. My adrenal results shocked him. I know he was expecting those antibodies to be also autoimmune, but they were not. My levels were low, but within the normal range. Not great. And based upon my BP issues, he still thinks it is Schmidt's Syndrome. So do I.

That is when I told him about what I was taking. We went online. When he saw some of what was in it, he became convinced that it was possible that I had skewed his test and we are doing it again in a couple of months. If I am right, and I messed up his test, and my results flip: to me, that says the Herbal Adrenal Stress Formula is working. Yay! To him, I am not sure he is ready to come around. The traditional treatment is to put someone on hydro cortisone. Well, I know from talking to my doctor that it is all well and good in the short term, but not the long term. So I am really not down with that. Of course, what this means is that it would turn into Addison's Disease left untreated. But, I am not considering doing that.

I am just considering going a different way.

My original plan was to order the thyroid equivalent that Dr. Wilson's site offers and see if I can flip his test on the thyroid result. Unfortunately, right now they are out of the product. I will keep checking back. But, if that is possible, that would be *something to see*.

This doctor is a researcher. He works at a research hospital. The way to make someone research anything is to make them believe. If I can flip his test, that would be an awesome first step.

It would be one more domino falling into place. Not all dominoes are bad. It is how Big Ideas come to fruition.


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Wednesday with Bullets

I was going to do another alphabet post, but you guys seem to like my bullet post style posts, what I have is mostly mish mash, so it seemed like a better way to go.


*For instance, right now I think Penny Can on Cougar Town is hilarious.
*You don't watch Cougar Town?
*How can this be?
*Oh yeah, you're Chris, and don't own a TV.
*Well, let me help you with some YouTube of Penny Can. This stuff cracks me up. It would be on my Thursday post, if I could work up the fortitude to roll one of those out.
*Roll the penny can footage:



*I love Ellie. She is the one that makes all of the crazy penny can shots. She is da bomb. I want to be Ellie when I grow up.
*H-Girl spent the night last week. It had its good and bad points. It scares me how much she has learned from her father. And I am not talking about the good stuff.
*She basically tricked me into taking her into the mall.
*Yes, I was tricked by a twelve year old.
*Yes, it still stings a bit.
*After she lingered over all of the things she wanted me to buy her... even after I told her before we left the house that I had NO money, we finally ended up at the bookstore.
*We spent over an hour mooning over jewelry. She was hoping I would cave. She never once asked, but she just looked pitiful. And once pointed out the matching necklace (the she didn't have)to the bracelet that she did (and was wearing).
*All of this after raiding my jewelry box at home and getting me to cough up several pieces of jewelry for her... moving on...
*So, after giving up on the jewelry at the mall, we arrive at the bookstore. That place is my personal weakness. I can turn down clothes all day long. Put me in a bookstore and that is like shoving an alcoholic into a bar.
*Naturally, we end up back in the YA section. She starts picking up various books and telling me that specific friends are reading this one and that one. She would like to read this one and that one. Then she says this: "Because I am all about the learning."
*I laughed so hard I nearly fell down and hurt myself.
*She followed it up with, "What? I LIKE to read."
*That only produced more laughter on my part. I started looking around for a chair because I had a kink in my side and it hurt.
*When I was able to speak again, I told her that she should call her dad and tell him just what she told me. I was willing to float her $15 if he would pay me back right away.
*He said he would. He also got a laugh out of that. Unlike me, he seemed to believe her line about being all about the learning.
*I find that interesting. One would think that a person who floats BS all of the time would recognize it in others more quickly. Apparently not. Who knew?
*Back to the trick... she told me that her aunt was going to meet us at the mall. Not true. Not even close. She just wanted to go to the mall and talk me into buying her stuff. Imagine my surprise when I find out that I end up having to take her all the way back to her grandparent's house. It didn't cut my driving at all. That is where her aunt was.
*So, I had H-Girl regale them with the tale of being all about the learning. They all laughed. Apparently, they were all shocked. Her older brother said he was going to read the book and quiz her to make sure she actually read it. Smart kid.
*That one day knocked me out in so many ways. Sooooo tired physically.
*So tired mentally. It really hurts me in the heart that H-Girl does these sorts of things. Her lack of honesty and the way she manipulates people without a second thought really disturbs me.
*As for me, I have been dreaming about sweets. Craving sweets terribly. I know what this means. I am stressed out. Severely stressed out.
*I bought two bags of M&Ms the last time I was at the pharmacy. It did occur to me that my Eminem fascination went from the person to the candy. H-Girl might not be the only "disturbed" individual out there...
*If you received the letter for my future non-profit website via email, please answer me this: did you copy/paste and send it to everyone in your address book, specific people in your address book, or no one in your address book? Whatever your choice, why? You can tell me in the comments or email me. My email is in the sidebar. Thanks.
*I really don't have much dirt. I am thinking about practicing Penny Can. Chris, can I call that exercise? It looks like so much fun to say "Penny Can" when you actually get the penny in the can.
*I really could have been a writer for Seinfeld. It was a show about nothing. I have got an excellent handle on that.