This feels like one of those blogs that might not ever get off the ground. I have been staring at the screen for a while now and it is beginning to sink in that maybe the only way this blog stands a chance of making it into actual words is if I go "bullet style." That way I can just shoot thoughts out as they come, rather than to come up with something "cohesive."
- I wish I could explain what the last week has been like, but I don't think I can. The relief of being given the SSD benefits and not having the hearing was short lived.
- I know this sounds crazy.
- I was so tired from not having slept hardly at all before the psych evaluation that my fibro symptoms were out in force. Add all of emotions that came with finding out about the SSD decision, plus some other things I will tell you about later, and I was a MESS.
- When I say MESS, I mean a crying ball of anxiety that constantly was having to be peeled off of the floor or ceiling. Yes, there was pretty much constant crying. Horrible depression. And my fibro symptoms were on overload. Everything hurt. All I wanted to do was sleep. None of this evened out until about Saturday. I finally slept enough that I was roughly back to normal.
- That meant that my migraine took over as my primary pain maker, once again, and life felt a bit more "normal." Ugghh.
- JJ said something in my comments about how I would have felt better had I not stressed so much. I laughed when I read that. Absolutely true. However, I do not remember a time when I didn't stress about the smallest thing. And this was pre-migraines. I used to have conversations with myself in the mirror daily in junior high school. It was a coping mechanism.
- Thinking about that had me pondering when I didn't feel stressed. I couldn't remember a time. Before I was 10. Before my dad got sick. Pre-1978. Yeah, that is the last time I remember truly feeling stress-free. Ever since then, not so much.
- I can't say I haven't had moments. Summers when I was out of school after my dad got better. But, after high school, no. And during school, no.
- My dog is having an "issue" with her front leg. There have been numerous visits to the vets, x-rays, etc. She has been on pain pills and anti-inflammatory pills for about a month now. The vet is saying that he doesn't see a break, fracture, puncture wound, or what traditionally presents as cancer. However, since the swelling isn't going down and she is still not wanting to walk on it, everyone is concerned.
- People who are not animal lovers are not going to get this, and I am not going to be able to explain it to you. Right now, the only option left is to biopsy her leg, which is going to be done tomorrow. It will take a while for the results to come back.
- She is twelve years old. I am not sure how many years she realistically has left. If it is cancer, we are talking about amputating one of her legs. I don't know if that is the humane thing to do or not. Or just the selfish one. I am really struggling with it.
- I know I am struggling with a decision that I might not have to make, but cancer really hasn't been falling my way here lately. And I don't feel lucky.
- When I got Miss S. she was six weeks old and she fit in my hands. I held her like an infant. And I still do. She only weighs 20 pounds, so I can get away with that. In fact, when she is scared, it calms her down. Not many dogs like being held like that, but she does.
- I don't know if this is a better or worse case, but I have figured out that I am a proactive person. A doer. This is all nicely phrased for something of a control freak. So, the things that make me most "crazy" are the things over which I have no control.
- Understanding that put all of my friendships that have gone bezerker into perspective for me. I worked on them and worked on them and worked on them, but I was the only one doing the working and got nowhere. I was spinning my wheels. The ball wasn't in my court. Yes, it made me crazy.
- And I went to doctor after doctor who wouldn't listen to me. I got sicker and sicker. And that made me crazy. Finally I found one who did. And then I was really sick. And down the rabbit hole. And here we are. But, I learned a lot.
- And then my dad and aunt died. And I had no control over that. Crazier still.
- And now my dog. Welcome to Insanity Land. Or as I call it Home.
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