I posted over on my TV blog this clip:
I said that my house sounds very like the exchange between Frasier and his father. Sub in me and my mother and you're now cooking with oil.
I really can't finish this year without a complete meltdown on this blog. I mean seriously... I melted down daily for the first year I blogged, and you guys were THE BEST. Now, I mostly do HERE'S TO YOU, Battle of the Bands, and gripe occasionally about the state of the language and the world. But, I mostly don't whine about my life. Mostly.
Well, keep on reading, because that is about to change! (Bryan over at A Beer For the Shower says I really should use those exclamation points when I'm getting loud, or my characters are getting loud. Whatevs.) Note the exclamation point.
I know I wrote a long-winded post a while ago about my mother getting scammed online in one of those Romance Scams. Since that initial incident, she's been in communication with several more scammers (who didn't net anything but my ire). I actually told one of them off on the phone, using more expletives in a few sentences than I've used all year. Man, that felt great. Mom was less than happy, but oh well. I can't please everyone.
She is currently embroiled in another "relationship" that's stemmed from an online dating site. I need only say that she and her "beau" haven't met, he's foreign, and he's working (right now... hahahaha) in another country. As Christmas has drawn near, I hear more and more about this Wonderful Guy. I hear about how hard he works. How he really wants to be home for Christmas. There are gifts for him from Mom under my tree with cute endearments in the "Name" place. My mom even asked if I wanted to wait to exchange gifts until He got here.
And that was when the inside of my head exploded. Outwardly, I think I kept pretty calm with a polite "No." Since I think his arrival will coincide with hell freezing over... that is a long damn wait.
Yesterday she asked what I'd like for dinner on Christmas. I told her cheese spaghetti, which has been my favorite meal ever since I could eat solid food. So, this wasn't a shocker. For those of you unfamiliar with this delicious dinner, my grandma made it up. 1 pound thin spaghetti (or the noodle of your preference), 1 pound colby cheese, 1 can crushed or whole peeled tomatoes crushed by you, and 1 can tomato soup. Mom prefers it without the soup. I prefer it with the soup. I digress.
So, today she asks me what she should fix for Christmas dinner. Ham or Cornish Game Hens?
I said, "Cheese spaghetti."
She says, "I don't think He will want cheese spaghetti."
OMG. This again. I say, "Whatever He wants then. Why'd you ask me?"
Later... I say, after listening to the usual tirade about Him and how hard He works, "So, does this mean He is or isn't coming for Christmas? Since He's in Australia if He's going to make it (the flight is 24 hours long) I'd think He'd know by now."
She says, "Don't know."
Later... She says as I'm wrapping her gifts, (I elected not to buy anything for Him.) "If He and I get married, I'm going to want my bed back." I am currently sleeping in her king size bed because it fits in the master bedroom, which doesn't have a tub. She is sleeping close to the other bathroom, which does have a tub. Even though it is MY house, I would let her have the master bedroom if the other bath had the tub. So, we swapped beds. And she ditched my mattress for a foam thing so it'd be close to the floor. And I felt my blood pressure rising. Again.
And then I just stopped. The chances of Him ever darkening our door? I figure somewhere between slim and none. I took that thought further... as crazy as she's making me (much crazier than normal, and that was plenty bad enough), would I be willing to trade beds so that she'd move out with some man, any man, and give me some peace of mind? Yep. Sounds like a fair trade to me. Bed for peace of mind.
Of course, what I'd PREFER is that she step back from this dating thing and choose wisely. I can attest that living with another person... not easy. I want her to be happy. I don't see her being happy with anyone that she has met online (since I think they've all been scammers...). The fact that I can't figure out what this one is up to only attests to the fact that I don't think like a scammer.
Perhaps my dilemma is similar to that of the Good Lord who wants the best things for each and every one of us. The problem is that we persist with unhealthy choices. So, how does God just let go and let us muck about? It's not lack of caring or love... but it's something I don't think I have. So, I ask you friends... what is it????? How do I sit back and allow this just to roll off me?
The blog is now open for all of you "therapists" to weigh in...
Tuesday, December 23, 2014
45 comments:
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I have no idea what to tell you.
ReplyDeleteI've got my own issues right now: My Brother met this woman in China online. I don't think it was a dating site, but more like a Chat Room thing (which are probably mostly dating sites not so named). Married her. She's living under OUR roof (the house is half mine) and she is a middle-aged, spoiled brat, psycho bitch. Also, she couldn't beat a Pet Rock in an IQ contest.
I'm intending to move to Reno at the beginning of March. Not sure I can last that long. I think suicide or homicide are more likely in the cards.
Good luck, Girl Wonder! I'd offer some suggestions if I had any, but right now I'm just trying to keep my own head and fists from exploding.
~ D-FensDogg
'Loyal American Underground'
she is a middle-aged, spoiled brat, psycho bitch
DeleteDon't sugar-coat it, Stephen...
Even though your situation is bad, you can leave it. I must say I envy you that.
DeleteI don't want to hurt my relationship with my mom. I don't want her to be hurt. And her bad choices have already made my financial future risky at best. See my post to Bryan below.
I see that you replied again. I appreciate that thoughtfulness... seriously!
Your ending analogy is very apt, and I suspect that God is building up His frustration for after the Rapture. As for mom, I doubt you'll ever get the leopard to change spots, so my thoughts (for what they're worth) are: As long as they don't impact your personal financial position, let 'er dream. If a "beau" actually does progress to the meeting point, demand the ability to vette him before he darkens the doorway. Keep an eye on mom's mental acumen and be willing to file for power of attorney should it become necessary. And pitch her foam mattress for a new one. Buy a sleeping bag if she wants closer to the floor!
ReplyDeleteToo late on impact for my personal finances. You can see the post I linked to Bryan below for more information.
DeleteThe good news: these foreign scammers are not likely to ever show up at my house.
The bad news: my mom isn't making good dating decisions, and she will likely fall in with someone who may not be good for her (assuming she persists). It's hard letting the people you love choose bad things.
Stephen has a point: Him actually showing up might even be worse! Psychology Today had an interesting article on men who are drawn to online dating:
ReplyDeletehttp://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/me-we/201312/11-types-men-drawn-internet-dating
Your mother sounds lonely and needy. Predators love that particular kind of woman.
We can tell much by facial expressions, tone of voice, body language, shift of eye. Online those things are missing. Your mother gets to project on the man's words what she wants to hear.
It must be hard to live with daily. Since it is your house, you might make it clear that if a man comes to your city to meet and date her, he MUST live elsewhere. As Stephen found out: three is a crowd. It is much easier NEVER to let a man in your home than to get him out ONCE he is inside.
May your Christmas be survivable and your New Year ease up on you with your mother! I miss you at my blog. :-)
My mom is so honest and kind and loyal... she finds it difficult to believe that others aren't that way. I guess that also makes her naive.
DeleteI love her very much and I fear that the latter years of her life are going to be very painful. As you say, should she get involved with a 'local" bad egg... not letting him in my house. I'll cross that bridge when I get there...
Hey, I saw ur comment on Red's page and had to come see.... I am guilty of falling for someone on an online site... I had many telling me, they didn't think the guy was right for me.. did I listen? sure, but, in the end, I did what I wanted.. I learned the hard way.. but at the time, I needed someone and turned a blind eye to what others said.. I kept making excuses, turning the other cheek when I saw and heard things he had said... I knew better... It took 4 years for me to say 'enuf, sucker'... 3 strikes and he was out... He kept trying to communicate w/me for 3 years and what finally stopped him was when I put 'refused' on the last letter he sent... What I am trying to say is that, your mother will finally get it when she's ready to... My adult kids didn't like him, but they sat back and let me do what I wanted because they knew I was gonna do what I wanted... Your mom will wake up- but on her terms, when the last straw on that camel's back has swayed to the ground.
ReplyDeleteYes, you're right. I can't change her. I can only figure out how to cope.
DeleteYes, that's right, sing it loud with exclamation marks!
ReplyDelete...Okay, yikes. I had no idea your story idea was rooted in reality. Now, I don't see any problem with online dating itself. I met my wife through online dating. It's not ALL full of creepers. But... what the hell, mom? I genuinely don't believe that she can't use a dating site to find someone in her own city. Her own state. Hell, even just in the continental U.S.
Let's be honest, your mom sucks at dating. Kalei's best friend has a great point. There are some people who put themselves through this kind of thing, and no matter what you tell them, they won't listen to you. That's fine. They have to learn on their own, and it won't be real until they get their hearts broken. It sucks to watch, but we have to stay out of that and let them learn for themselves.
There are two things that should be your concern, though. First, if it puts a strain on your own relationship with her. I mean, you want something as simple as cheese spaghetti and she instantly says, "I don't know, he doesn't like that," placing the wants of a man she's never even met over your own? That's not cool.
The second is to protect her and your finances. And if there's a possibility she's going to start sending him money/buying him expensive things and sending them to him, then like C.W. said, you might want to see about filing for some kind of power of attorney. Don't let this man bleed her dry. As your mother, those are your finances too. If she loses everything, I assume you'd have to take care of her.
My partner in crime's neighbor lady - a nice, sweet 70 year old lady - invited a convicted felon into her home and dumped THOUSANDS of dollars into him over a 6 month span, even buying him a car, because he said he was just a nice guy who was down on his luck trying to find a job. He was not, and no matter what the neighbors told her; that he was a scammer, and a druggie, and just using her for her money, she didn't believe them. Not until a neighbor showed her an actual crack pipe that he had dropped in the yard, and she finally kicked him out, but by then the damage was done and she'd lost almost everything she'd had. Bank account nearly wiped clean.
Long story short, some people suck at dating, and your mom can handle heart break if it comes to it. She wants to be a bad dater? Let her. But just don't let it drive a wedge between you two, and don't let it ruin her financially. I know that above story sounds ridiculous, but I promise you it's 100% true and happens a lot more than people think.
Also, if he is a scammer and he is trying to rip her off, I'd lean toward the money thing. It sounds like they've already talked about living together. He might be feeling her out. Watch and see if Mr. "I work super hard" (since he focuses on that so much) suddenly loses his job and needs a place to stay. He'll convince your mom to take care of him because he's going to get a job soon, you know, since he's such a hard worker, and then just proceed to give her excuses about not finding a job while bleeding her dry.
Whatever happens, I've got you guys in my thoughts and prayers and I hope all works out for the best.
I should've linked to my original post on when the romance scamming began. It would answer some of your questions. You can read it here:
Deletehttp://yourdailydose-robin.blogspot.com/2014/06/this-is-how-you-know-youve-been-scammed.html
So, we are miles past "losing every cent she has." So, yeah, I totally believe that this sort of story (like the one you related above can/does happen). She is in the process of filing bankruptcy (and it's been very rocky). If her bankruptcy isn't accepted by the court, they will ultimately sue me and make me sell my house. Yeah, that's not at all stressful. She has promised me that she would ask her brother for the money before it came to that... Honestly, though, I think that when the courts see this for what it is (an elderly lady who was scammed of every cent she has), they will grant the bankruptcy.
My problem is that she now lives in a state of "needing a man to take care of her since she gave all her money away." I know she worries about when she becomes unable to take care of herself (and she gave away her means to do it)... so she's stressed. And I'm stressed.
And I could deal with ALL OF THAT with only occasional meltdowns if she didn't persist with the online dating. When the "overall profile" of the guy you are currently talking to is eerily similar to the guy who scammed you, and the guys who came after who tried to scam you... Why doesn't she see the pattern? That's what drives me crazy. And she talks about him all of the time (because he's consuming most of her mental energy). It's just really hard.
Yesterday she says, "I haven't heard from him in a couple of days." I'm thinking Whooeeey! It's now right up on Christmas and he's run out of ideas for putting her off, so he's chosen the disappearing act (which I think is probably right). But she says, "Back in the beginning I told him I liked surprises, when he asked, so I wouldn't be surprised if he just shows up on our front door."
And, even though I don't believe that will happen, I couldn't help the sick feeling that took me over at the thought. What would I do if one of these yo-yos shows up at my front door? Right now I'm choosing not to think of it.
Thank you for your prayers. We BOTH can use them.
Wow... that crushed me to read that. I think that post was just before you and I were acquainted. And here I thought you meant she had been scammed but had recovered. I had no idea she already lost everything (even savings and IRA... ugh, God) and was just now trying to file for bankruptcy... and is still going back for more. I mean, once someone loses everything (as you said in that post) you would think she would learn her lesson and stop. But she's right back to it.
DeleteAt this point, she knows you think everyone she talks to is a scammer, and I imagine if she managed to scrape together any form of money she would sent it to him and do her damnedest not to tell you, so you'd never find out until it was way too late. Which is the absolute worst thing she can do.
Have you considered (or have you already) contacted the Adult Protective Services in your area? They specialize in protecting vulnerable adults (particularly the elderly), and though your mother would have to accept their services, if she did it would probably help immensely. Our local one says this:
Our Services include:
In-home assessment for abuse, neglect, and/or exploitation
Crisis intervention
Monthly visits by a caseworker, if risk continues
Assistance with housing and/or placement to alternative housing
Assistance with obtaining benefits
Money management
At this point, it sounds like she's just going to keep doing this over and over again until you and she have lost everything. If you can't talk to her about it and she just refuses to listen to you, you should try to get someone involved. She sounds like she needs professional help. And I don't mean that like she's crazy and needs to be institutionalized, I just mean that she sounds like she's far beyond having a sit down talk with you and then walking away from this cold turkey. She needs to talk to someone that specializes in this.
On another note, it does also sound like your mother is very lonely and using this as an outlet. Is there another way to feed her need for social interaction? Finding an in-public hobby where she can make new friends? Bingo? Book club? Stuff like that?
At least, to end on a happy note, it sounds like this guy will not be making Christmas Dinner. Your mom might be feeling extra lonely because of this. Spend the day reminding her how much you care about her and trying to make it as fun as possible for both of you. She might just forget about this clown for a moment, and even if it doesn't scratch the surface of solving your problems you can still say you had a great Christmas with your mother.
The only plus side is that she LITERALLY has nothing to send. That's one heck of a plus side, I know. But, there it is.
DeleteWow. Reading about Adult Protective Services made me realize that is something I really don't want to do. I really hope that we aren't there yet.
I really don't think she'd send someone she's not met more money. I do think that she will continue to bask in the illusion(s) that these guys create. It makes her feel good to hear the sweet words. I don't think one of these scenarios will ultimately amount to anything. You are right in that my sitting down and talking to her will not cause her to quit the internet "dating." She has met with my therapist several times and she hasn't had any more luck with her than I have. When my mom is convinced that she is right (This man loves me. He will show up. I think he is who he says he is.) there is no talking her out of it. She is firmly entrenched in the delusion.
I've already suggested that she restrict herself to online dating sites for this area. If the person can't meet for coffee after a few chat sessions... well, something's wrong. And she agrees in theory. The problem: the "real" guys aren't sweet talkers like the scammers. They are just guys. Most of them are old (like her), sport a bit more around the middle than is attractive, and like sports. These scammers create themselves to be whatever SHE wants. Ergo, they are in their late 50s (she's 71), are attractive, and like what she likes.
I'm all for getting into some local groups. She hasn't embraced the idea. I've suggested it plenty.
On the happy note, the guy has been "off the grid" the last three days. The only time she mentioned him today was to say she wasn't texting him again. Woohoo. Of course, she followed that up with he works really hard and/or he could be on his way right now. I just let those lie. Instead, we had a nice day reminiscing about past Christmases. I hope that tomorrow is more of the same. There are lots of good memories out there!
Thank you for the many suggestions (even though the one pains me... literally). You're a wonderful friend (and even better idea wall!) and all-around great friend. Merry Christmas to you and the Mrs.:)
I have a feeling you won't like my advice, so be warned and stop reading right here, if it might ruin what's left of your Christmas.
ReplyDeleteOK, you're still here. Don't say I didn't warn you. You already know I'm blunt and to the point, but let me make a comparison for you. Remember when you were seventeen and thought your mom simply didn't understand anything in your life. Remember when you just wanted her to butt out and let you make your own choices, good, bad or indifferent. Well, sounds to me like Mom is seventeen right about now and she just might be thinking those same things.
You say it's your house, well like others have recommended, you certainly have the right to tell her he can't move in there or even visit if you want (but on the visiting part, think how that would have made you feel when you were living in her house and dating). As long as her relationships don't affect you financially, it's not really a whole lot of your business, is it? As far as her finances, you may need to make it clear that you won't support her if she does something really foolish.
In the end I would say to you, think about this. She will be your mother forever, but you won't have her around forever. My guess is that there is about a 20 year age spread between the two of you, maybe more. There will most likely come a time when Mom will be gone and you just might be sitting alone some Christmas wishing she were there, complicated relationship and all. Don't let something so silly spoil your and her Christmas. If need be placate her and simply nod your head when she brings 'him' up. You don't think he'll show anyway; she'll be hurt by that, don't let her also be hurt by your 'I told you so'. I also bet you could make your own 'cheese spaghetti' if you really want it, and let her prepare whatever she wants. That might be a more subtle way for her to get the message, than having a disagreement over some dude, who may or may not even appear.
I'm sure we all break the heart of God daily by our insolence, disrespect, and neglect in showing love and support for his desires for us. Now I'm going to tell you something someone pointed out to me and I have passed onto others. Of the Big 10 (commandments) there is only 1 with a promise. It's the one that says;' Honor thy Father and thy Mother: that thy days may be long upon the land which the Lord thy God giveth thee.' Exodus 20:12 NOTE: It doesn't say that you only have to honor them when they are making good choices or doing what you would have them do. I have a sneaking suspicion that you have made a few really dumb choices in your life (I only say that because most of us have), if Mom was there to really let you have it or never let you forget about your bad choices, well that's too bad, but cut her some slack anyway. If she stood by you and supported you even when you did dumb things (my mother did) then return the favor.
Your hearing from someone who lost her mother at a pretty young age. Believe me I remember every stupid fight, every mean thing, every time I disrespected her, vividly. When she died I lost my most ardent supporter, the person on this earth I knew loved me unconditionally then, and who always would, no matter the stupid human tricks I pulled. SO, my big advice is this Christmas forgive Mom her loneliness and foolishness. Protect yourself financially by all means, but if she needs the fantasy of this, or any other man, potentially in her future, let her have that. I bet you can easily distract the conversation away from talk about 'him' with talk about plans for something more real and possible.
OK, I'm done. Sorry if I made you feel bad. That was not my intent, but rather to maybe save you from some regret over this Christmas and remorse about chinks in your relationship with Mom.
I hope you can put this aside and have a very Merry Christmas and look forward to a wonderful New Year.
This was beautifully stated. It spoke volumes to me, thank you! Merry Christmas! :)
Delete<<<---As long as her relationships don't affect you financially, it's not really a whole lot of your business, is it? As far as her finances, you may need to make it clear that you won't support her if she does something really foolish.
DeleteIf you read the post I linked to in my comment to Bryan, you will see that we passed "really foolish" a long time ago. We're now in the place where it is MOST DIRECTLY affecting my finances. She filed for bankruptcy, the court didn't grant it and hired a lawyer, and she hired a lawyer. That lawyer says that if they don't accept the bankruptcy, the court will sue ME and force me to sell my house to pay her debt. So, yeah, I'm a bit upset about this state of affairs. My mom says that she'll borrow money from my uncle before she allows that to transpire. As it currently stands, my uncle knows nothing about any of this... so he could say yes or he could say no. I really have no idea how this will turn out. The lawyer is optimistic, but it isn't her house that is on the line.
Unfortunately, at about scammer #3 I already "told you so'd" when he asked for money. She still doesn't believe scammer #1 was out to scam her from the beginning (mind boggling to me) and even though this guy sounds like all the rest (loosely with his story) she says about him what she said about all that preceded him. "I think he really loves me." I spend a lot of time biting my lip. I've never contradicted her on that point. I will occasionally argue with her about scammer #1 and his intentions to scam from the start, but mostly I keep it to myself.
Why do I do this? I love my mother. I've already considered that she won't be here that much longer. I miss my dad so much since he passed. I don't want there to be words that I regret hanging between us. I've done my level best to not make her feel stupid for her bad choices with scammer #1 that have brought us both to the brink of financial devastation. With her I focus on the positive. With all of you, I tell it like I really think it.
I want her to open her eyes and see things as they are. I think I'd have an easier time with her fantasy life if her actions of the past didn't mean that I could have to sell my house, have no way to pay for her long-term care when she gets old/sick, and didn't make my own recovery from chronic migraines longer/worse. These are all hard bullets to swallow.
Using your 17 year old analogy... it's a bit like living with a pregnant 17 year old with raging STDs who still insists on sneaking out and boinking anyone in pants.... while she should be preparing for the baby that's coming and dealing with the STDs. Meanwhile, I know that I'm gonna get stuck with the baby (if not the STDs).
All that said, I think you're right in the approach. I love my mother, and I need to remember that at all times. No matter how crazy she acts, I love her. She stuck with me through my bad choices, and I will stick with her. While it's not as easy to distract her (and her conversation from Him) as you might think, I will still do it. It's easier than arguing.
I meant to say "Thank you" for writing something that you feared wouldn't be received well. I know that's hard. I appreciate the place from which it came.
DeleteI'm not weighing in... there are some areas I might qualify for advise, the mom / daughter relationship is not one of them. I love my mom dearly, but it's complicated. ;) <--hahaha, I hate when people say that, and thought I never would, but it's true and applicable. :) Merry Christmas to you!
ReplyDeleteSometimes it is complicated. I feel ya.
DeleteI think the hardest thing for me about all of this (financial devastation aside) is that my mom was always the SMARTEST person I knew. She was always the person I could count on to make a level-headed decision. She was FRUGAL. I just didn't see this coming and it feels like being hit by a train... over and over again.
I don't have much advice for this situation. The other comments may have more pertinent things to say -- more personal experience with this. I only know that my husband and I have watched the marriages/dating relationships of friends and relatives blow up -- mouths agape and heads shaking, covering our eyes, cringing, wishing we could shake some sense into them -- but we couldn't. My husband is more apt than I am to bluntly tell it like it is, but it's never done any good. His friends/relatives don't want to hear common sense from him, even after they ask for it.
ReplyDeleteAll you can do is wait for the person to learn the lesson or make the mistake on their own. Since you live with her, protect yourself and your assets. You can't protect her. :(
<<<---All you can do is wait for the person to learn the lesson or make the mistake on their own. Since you live with her, protect yourself and your assets. You can't protect her. :(
DeleteI'm waiting for the lesson to take.
Too late to protect my assets. See above.
I can't even protect myself from her choices.
Bah humbug.
Fortunately, I learned by forty what your mom needs to learn. I stink at relationships!
ReplyDeleteI wear my heart on my sleeve, give too much, and even an ex-fiancé observed that I always fall too hard.
So by my mid-forties I stopped looking. Oh, I'll go on a date here and there, usually with my guard up which makes the effort meaningless.
But I spend most of my time alone, and I kind of like my company. Although the cat meowing in my ear can get tiresome.
I am convinced, however, that until one is happy with one's self, and content with one's own company, one cannot be much good in a relationship.
Sadly, you cannot learn that lesson for your mom. All you can do is be there for her if she disappointed. And choke back the "I told you so."
I've been through diamonds,
I've been through minks,
I've been through it all!
Love stinks
-J Geils
I kinda sorta understand what's driving her LC. She's tried to explain it to me and done a sufficiently good job that I get where her head is. (Her head is in the clouds.) As I said to Rosey... the hardest part of all this is that up until a year ago she was the smartest person I knew. Excellent judgment. Beyond good with money. Then she got divorced and she turned into a stranger. It's been hard.
DeleteYou've got a lot of great advice on here. I know the hard part is keeping your wits about you. You and Mom "ain't" tight. I'm inclined to agree with farawayeyes' advice, overall. Like others, I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers. The exception is... I'm a sleuth! I'd find some way to run a records check on him.
ReplyDeleteIf it's a no-go, hit your knees!
I'll hit mine for you too!
Dixie
Dixie, my mom and I have been very close for many many years. 20 years probably. Once I got past my teenage years.
DeleteI've scraped my knees up praying, so I appreciate your willingness to step in.
Wow, Robin! Iswear every time I step away from blogging for a bit some pretty weird freakin' stuff goes down. I'm sorry to see that it's you embroiled in this nonsense.
ReplyDeleteMother/daughter advice? Yeah, I got none.
But I do have this: take care of YOU. You are only as good as you can be for others when you put your own health and sanity first. That only sounds selfish to people who don't realize how selfish it is to think that they are the only ones who can save the world from itself.
I wonder how many times your Mom is going to get this particular lesson?!
Jasmine, That is actually where I'm at... How do I take care of me? I haven't been doing a great job. My migraines are insane (again). My therapist is helping me to accept that I cannot change anything she's doing. I just have to step back and draw boundaries. I'm not great at that for the record. She told me I should tell her, "I don't want to hear about Him." I haven't done that. I've employed the tactic of changing the subject, but He still comes up a lot.
DeleteI wish I knew when she'd get the lesson. I think we're nearing the tipping point. Or maybe it's just me nearing the tipping point...
Robin, If you combined Brandon and Bryan's rules of protection with FAE's rules of compassion then you could still sleep well, and have a nice Christmas. I know it must be extremely frustrating, but your mom doesn't want to give up hope that the perfect man is coming for her. Sometimes you just have to walk away without saying a word, when
ReplyDeleteyou're filled with exclamation points. Try to have a Merry Christmas together! Wishing you all the best in the New Year, Robin!
Julie
<<<---Sometimes you just have to walk away without saying a word, when
Deleteyou're filled with exclamation points
Excellent advice. Thank you.
GIRL WONDER ~
ReplyDeleteAfter reading all of these comments, like some other folks here, I want to praise the advice given by FAE. That was very sound advice, in my opinion!
I will also add a few passages from my very last post at F-FFF. These are not my own words, but they're good words, and I think they apply in your situation:
'THE PROBLEM OF LIFE WITH GOD:
Living With A Perfect God In An Imperfect World'
by Tommy Nelson (copyright 2002)
Can't [God] take your situations and use them for His good? Will He explain it all to you? He will not. God doesn't promise that there will be a “third day” when we will understand all the bad things that have happened in our lives. But He does give us the promises we need to place all our trust in Him. He requires one thing of you in the face of this uncertainty: Don't let what you can't control destroy what you can enjoy.
~ page 58
Solomon reiterates his earlier point: Do not let what you can't understand destroy what you can enjoy. As encouraged in the previous chapter, go eat some Rocky Road, find some good friends, and read a good book. Go catch a baseball game. Choose a beautiful afternoon, grab your friends and go sit in the stands, get a cold drink and a Snickers, and enjoy the game...
Do you know what the word “lot” means in [Ecclesiastes 3] verse 22? It means a heritage – an inheritance. God gives you fun times right now. God gives you Rocky Road – that's the Hebrew. Don't live in constant fear of what might happen.
~ page 63
We are always shaped by pain.
~ page 98
A wise man knows God can change things in a heartbeat. Anytime God wants to, He can turn your world upside down. So a wise man rests in the sovereignty of God, rather than taking matters in his own hands.
So if you have trouble that is heavy on you right now, know that it's all in the sovereign purposes of God. Change what you can change. Be wise. But in what you can't change, rest in the sovereignty of God.
~ page 132
Remain poised. ...Keep listening. ... On things you can't control, you can rest.
~ page 133
I know I'm not in control. If the results depended on me, I'd be worried sick. But it's not up to me, it's up to God, and He's a lot more dependable than I am.
I know Who holds tomorrow even if I don't know what tomorrow holds.
~ page 134
That's the best I've got for you right now, Robin.
That, and a sincere wish for a Merry Christmas and a very bright 2015.
~ D-FensDogg
'Loyal American Underground'
I agree that FAE was on target... except we've already passed the place where her decisions affect me financially. And that makes it really tough. I don't want to be angry with my mother. I don't like feeling that. It's heavy. It hurts. I try to remember what little girl God told Joan about everyone having pieces of themselves they don't like. When it becomes too heavy, the smart ones put it down. That's when they see things as they really are.
DeleteI keep setting it down, but then picking it up again. Or maybe I just don't want to see things as they really are. Or maybe I see it as it really is, but I don't like THAT.
It's really tough when people make choice that you can see will hurt them (bad enough all by itself). It's harder when their choices hurt YOU.
We'll get through this. Perhaps I will learn something about loving even when it's hard.
Thank you for your kindness.
I've been back here a few times to see how things were going. My goodness, I had no idea of any of this when I made my first comment. I simply went by the Frazier thing and thought you two were like that...those two were at it all the time. But that's simply not the case here... so forget my first comment. You've got utter chaos on your hands. No wonder you have headaches - all of "the invalidation you feel is enough to cause those." (Louise Hay)
ReplyDeleteWhen my Dad was scammed it was absolutely crazy. He couldn't see it. It wiped him out financially. It would have taken his house but my name was on the deed. Unfortunately my Dad passed away four years ago. I've spent the last four years fighting that battle - I won and I live here.
He wouldn't listen to me, and after a while would no longer let me know how bad it was getting. There were screaming matches... I knew he was going to do whatever he wanted. I offered at one point to help him financially, as I worried about the house standing. He chose to mortgage it.Thank God it was less than I was paying where I previously lived.
Humans desire things like companionship. The problem comes when desire for anything rises above the threshold of logic. I had sympathy but I could not change him. I learned a lot. My God got me through his behavior, his loss, and the fight for the house. And still today when I read posts like your's I am grateful, as it reminds me that I too can get carried away by desires.
I'm so very sorry to hear(read) of this situation. I will, as I said, be praying for you. Just think of all of the people you reach with this post. It could save a lot of heartache. In the meantime, I hope things change for the better soon, for you(smile).
I meant to say: There were NO screaming matches... it was all quiet - too quiet.
DeleteThank you for sharing your story. It helps (and hurts) to know that my mom is just one victim among many of this sort of thing. The reason my house is at stake is because she and I moved in here together. I bought the house, but she used the proceeds from the sale of her house, to make some necessary repairs here. Of course, at that time, she was a year away from even thinking about joining an online dating site... and would never have forseen any of this. BUT, when she filed for bankruptcy it opened this huge can of worms.
DeleteSo many things could've been avoided if she's even taken the FREE CONSULT with an attorney. However, when she found out the fee, she just decided to "go another way" and pay less for some "aid" place to help her fill out the forms. Turns out they did a crap job, and didn't include any of the information that would have shown how this entire thing happened. Ergo, the trustee who decides these bankruptcies decided she was out to scam the system and is playing hardball with her.
Now she has an attorney, and it looks like the whole bankruptcy might work itself out.
Given all of the madness, it infuriates me that she persists with these "characters" who are obviously scammers. Obvious to me. She insists that the current one is NOT. Of course, I pray daily that her eyes open to this person and she sees him for what he is. The fact that he hasn't (yet) asked for money only says to me he is working a long con. She's told him about being scammed and the bankruptcy fiasco, and he's still "in it." That says to her that he's not a scammer. It says to me that he's a liar and, therefore, believes everyone else is, too. And he thinks she's lying about not having any money. If he creates the "right set of circumstances" --and loves him enough-- she'll find the money.
I hope that I've created enough doubt that when that request finally comes, she will see that he was a scammer after all.
I'm sorry for the discord this SAME situation created for you and your dad, as well as all of the suffering that ensued after his death. It's hard enough paying for our own mistakes (I've made plenty and the consequences... bad news), but it's really tough paying for someone else's... especially after you've told them and they've ignored you, choosing to do their own thing. And then check out when the consequences arrive. I am CERTAIN your dad feels terrible about his actions now that he's in heaven and can actually see all of this for what it was.
I hope my mom sees it before she gets there.
All of that said, we had a very nice Christmas. I took FAE's advice and kept the topic (mostly) off of Him and on other, more positive things. It made Christmas very pleasant. A good thing!!!
Dear Robin
ReplyDeleteI truly understand your predicamet and I think you've received in your comments, some ideas to think about. I can't even begin to offer any suggestions but I keep you in my thoughts and hope it just blows over.
Your friend without a suggestion.
Nope, you can't please everyone. "I don't think He will want cheese spaghetti." Oh my. You were in trouble, alright. Sigh. You mother's really craving for that special one, whether it's He or He or Whoever. I don't know, my head would probably have exploded too, loving my mom and all, as do you. Hopefully she'll meet someone offline... It's either that or having her wifi explode.
ReplyDeleteWell, I think this situation calls for a lot of compassion! She's a grown-up... but of course you have your word on anything that affects you directly. She must need somethings, otherwise she would not pursue those "romances". Good luck!
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like you're dealing with a teenager and not an adult woman. My mother and I could never live under one roof (my husband and I barely do). I'm sorry for you. My advice - keep trying to protect your mother from her own stupidity and meanwhile do your best to find a way to not live together.
ReplyDeleteOh! I forgot to wish you a wonderful 2015! I'm crossing my fingers yours (and mine) go a lot better than 2014 did.
ReplyDeleteDamnit Blogger ate my comment. Well, what I said was I hope your mother will soon meet a real person offline for this is starting to sounds unhealthy. I can see why your mom's desperation is driving you nuts.
ReplyDeleteHi, Robin,
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like you're the parent and she's the child. What is the best for kids? Let them fail. I know it's harsh... it's tough love. We all must be accountable for our mistakes. Your mother has HER life to lead and you have yours. Would you want her telling you what to do? You'd probably do the same thing. It's only human nature.
I know you don't want your mother to get hurt... You LOVE her. She is sweet and kind. But you can't live your life as her keeper. You have your own. By all means keep an eye on her AND the bank accounts. But step back and let her think what she wants. SOON he will show his TRUE colors and HOPEFULLY at that point, YOU can convince her. She is living in a DREAM world and that is how she survives.
Keep a close eye, but say nothing. Let her carry on. Once she doesn't get a rile out of you, she may discover what you have tried to tell her all along. Remember she is the child. What do children do? Rebel and go against their parents wishes. It's a sad fact that our parents become our 'kids' in later life.
Wishing you all the best for the coming year. I hope my advice helps. You may disagree and get angry with me... I hope not. I am only trying to help...
Hugs,
Michael
Hope you had a great Christmas...and have a great New Year!
ReplyDeleteI do hope your mom does find a more normal and healthy kind of happiness. Everyone deserves that. It seems that the ones who end up getting hurt are the ones looking too hard. It's amazing what happens when you step back, like you said. Let the universe work for you.
I'm a licensed clinician/therapist, Robin, and I say that you can't just let something like that roll of you. It's driving you mad, and it's a maddening situation that you're living in. So keep using us to vent to. We're here for support. And go wild with exclamation marks!!
ReplyDeleteI'm fairly shocked that you're as stable as you are, while you're mom is so flighty. There really isn't more you can do; you've been doing this dance with your mom for a long time. She has to learn on her own, but - if He never comes, and He won't, when will reality set in? Who knows. I hope you make plenty of fun, supportive places and moments for yourself. I hope the new year will be much better, healthier, and a lot less stressful. xo
Late to comment, Robin, but my mom got mixed up with a male gold-digger who went around seeking out women over 65 to rip off. He was telling the neighbors that he was going to get everything she owned, property, cars, etc when she died. She wasn't at the dying age yet either. He made a mistake by being seen with a younger babe after silly mom married the jerk. My sister took mom (with her consent) to stay with her, after that and sold the house etc. She did so with police protection. Were we ever glad to get her away from that slimeball. There are males and females preying on the elderly, and family needs to intervene most of the time. Good luck with your situation. I sympathize.
ReplyDeleteOh, gosh. I'm playing catch up and you have so many helpful intuitive comments here, I don't know what I can add. This sounds simplistic. Take away your mother's computer privileges. Don't let her have access to these folks! I know it's not that easy...
ReplyDelete