Thursday, April 26, 2012
SURPRISE. Drum roll please. I present to you HERE'S TO YOU THURSDAY. With love. I know... it must seem like forever. And, frankly, it has been a long time. My hope to make it a weekly event didn't turn out so well. But, I woke up this morning and felt it. Yep. That is how it works. Now. Not how it used to work. I used to keep notes all week long and be ready WAY before the event. Now, I feel it the day of, and spend the day scrambling to recall what I read all week long. By far, the old system worked better.
Here is the recap of what is going on...
Here is what is going down: this is a weekly event. (It used to be a weekly event. And I hope it will be a weekly event again soon:-) The best (or worst) part is that I am not going to explain why I chose "whatever" footage for each of you. If, you watch your footage and are scratching your head at the end, well that means I didn't do a very good job. However, all is not lost. You can email me at email@example.com and ask me what I was thinking when I chose that particular piece of footage off of youtube and connected it to you. And then I will tell you. Then I will start sending up prayers that I haven't offended the crap out of whoever is on the receiving end of that email....lol. Because, honestly, I will tell you right now... I admire all of you enormously so I really hope that doesn't happen.
Also, this is not an exclusive venture by any means. I hope that you will take the time to watch ALL of the footage because I don't pick bad footage:-) I also hope that you might check out the blog of the person I dedicated the footage to because they are pretty darn awesome. If you haven't figured this out yet... I pick the footage based on something that you've written or something that I've gleaned from your personality. Think on that for a while... If you are having trouble watching the entire video (meaning it is being cut off on one side), click on it a couple of times and it will take you straight over to youtube. If you click on the four squares at the bottom corner of the video, it will enlarge it to fill your screen. The escape key will bring it back to normal size. The back arrow will bring you back to my page.
Now, let's get this PARTY STARTED!!!!
This one is for everyone:
This one is for Mary the Food Floozie:
This one is for Chris at A Deliberate Life:
This one is for Shoes at Red Shoe's Chronicles:
This one is for Phoenix at Res ipsa loquitur:
This one is for The Factory Girl at Radical Point of View:
This one is for Jasmine at A Yellow Rose of Texas:
image found at www.weheartit.com
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
You know how funny it is to watch the dog run around in circles chasing his tail? Everyone but the dog knows it is his tail. That is what makes it funny. Or maybe it is just the dog running in circles like that and NOT falling down. I don't know. Or, perhaps, it is that the dog can do this endlessly and never tire of it. Entertainment forever.
I have felt a bit like the dog. Only it hasn't been funny. Or entertaining. It has just been endless. And it has been exhausting.
Depending upon your geography, circumstance, upbringing, etc. the word therapy will resonate differently for you. I know that some people would rather eat chalk than see a therapist. Others have their therapist on speed dial. I have been in and out of therapy. Therapy is the place you go when your life goes into Crisis Mode and you need an unbiased person to help you sort it out. That has always been my view on therapy.
The last time I was in therapy was for marital counseling, then during the divorce, and then after the divorce. There was a lot of sorting there. Also several therapists.
Anyway, I know when I am unraveling. As in seriously unraveling. As in losing it. As in my cup runneth over with stress and I no longer know how to wade through it all. And I can't think clearly with the migraines and I need professional help. I am hitting the button. So, I hit the button and had my first appt on Monday. First appts are always hard.
Tell me in 45 minutes how you got here. The therapist doesn't actually say this, but I feel the pressure to explain it before I ever enter the room. As soon as I say that I have had this migraine for ten years.... every day for 10 years, I know I have to let the other person collect herself (in this case, herself). And then it is this: try to get through all of the crap in the last 10 years as fast as possible with everything that is beating you up worst now, so that she knows what you need. It is a lot of ground. But we did it. Glossing over the stuff we could come back to later. Hitting on the most relevant stuff to now.
She said something at the end about how well I articulated everything. I told her it wasn't my first ride on this Merry Go Round. Or something like that. And she rightly asked if I had been in Therapy before. I shared with her my philosophy about needing therapy when you hit those Crisis Points in your life. And she said, "Well, that is kinda like running for your life, while trying to load a gun for the first time, with a bear hot on your heels."
While I am trying to process that.... Yes, I was in the middle of an "aha" moment. I can vaguely hear her saying something like it is a lot better if we already know how to use the tools before we are in the crisis. Or something like that. I was still mentally picking myself up off the floor trying to digest the bear image. My Crisis Point therapy idea was wrong. As in really wrong. You wait until you are in crisis and you are already so far behind that you are running, loading, and have no idea how to shoot. Meanwhile there is a bear that wants to kill you and it is chasing you. That is not the time to be learning how to shoot the gun. In fact, it is an excellent way to get yourself shot.
I feel better already. We haven't actually solved anything. But, at least the person I am talking to is smarter than I am. I can't say that about every doctor I see.
Sunday, April 8, 2012
Dear Marshall Mathers,
It has just occurred to me that I haven't even mentioned you on this blog in a really long time. It has been all migraines, stress, the Rabbit Hole, liars, cheaters, vestibular therapy, what I have been watching on TV, my SSD and my stress about THAT, friendship disappointments, etc. None of that means that I haven't considered blogging about you, because I have. Lots of times. In fact, each time you released a song on video I had a strong urge to do the Breakdown. Yeah, I am talking about Spacebound and Lighters. I am not so crazy about the Bad Vs. Evil stuff. We'll get into that later. Or not.
Anyway, I still think you might be the best lyricist out there. That doesn't mean you couldn't be better. I remain true to my statements of I.Don't.Know.How.Long.Ago and maintain that you could turn the hip hop community on its ear by showing them just how Smart you are. Brilliant, in fact. You have a way with words that most people dream about. Heck, I dream about it. If you took every curse word out of what you are currently writing, and inserted something sharper, imagine what that would do for your lyrics. Then, when you did drop a curse word, it would mean something. It is sort of like the guy who yells all the time. No one listens because is always yelling. But that guy who rarely says anything.... he can talk in a whisper and everyone shuts up just to hear what he says. Your writing is that good. People would all shut up just to hear what you say. Besides, curse words stop meaning anything when you use them over and over. Just like any other word that is used excessively. I know that you know this already, but sometimes we forget stuff.
I read your book. Did I tell you that already? I am not going to go on and on about it. The one thing I will say is this: You said something in there about letting Slim Shady take over because you didn't think anyone cared about what Marshall Mathers had to say. I think I got that right, more or less. I think you're wrong. I think that everyone cares about what Marshall Mathers has to say. The people who get it understand that Marshall Mathers is the only one who is real in this "show" that you've created. So, his is the only voice that matters.
D12 was a good idea. It got you noticed. It got you famous. It got you credibility in the hip hop world. However, you are now free to be you. And that is the thing I think you still don't get. And I say this because of your song Lighters. You are still writing like you are the Underdog. Like no one has your back out here in the Real World. That the fans don't love you. And you are wrong. You are on top. You can make the Rules. You can be you. (Now I am not saying that some of those fans aren't crazy ass lunatics. See how effective that curse word was coming up out of the blue????) But, many of them are in their 40s. Grown ups. People who grew up with your music and are ready to make that leap with you.
I guess all this comes down to cheerleading. Me cheerleading you. You are amazing. You are a wordsmith. However, you can be better. Allow yourself to grow into that space and find out what incredible feels like. I believe in you.
Friday, April 6, 2012
Once again, it seems I have a gadzillion non-related things bouncing around in my head. So, it seems like a good time for a bullet point post. That way I can just throw it all against the wall, and it doesn't matter that one thing has nothing to do with the next. Another plus is that it doesn't even have to go in chronological order. Once upon a time, that would have been really important to me. Today, not so much. Now, it is more like *when I think it* seems like the right time.
- My Social Security Disability Hearing has been scheduled for May 22. I have known this for a while.
- I thought that getting a date would be great. And it is. But is also super stressful. And my migraines have been reflecting it since I got the notice.
- Why? Because this is really it. My ENT doctor says I can't drive because of the loss of my inner ear function in my ears. And he is right. I am dizzy. I lose my balance at inconvenient, unpredictable times. I have constant migraines. I cannot work. So, my ABILITY to work doesn't change no matter what the judge says.
- The only thing that changes is the amount of financial stress on my parents. If I get the SSD, I can help them with the expenses of the house and taking care of me. If I don't, they are already on the financial brink... this will push them over.
- It is a lot of stress.
- May 21, ironically enough, is the one year anniversary of my dad's death. I have tried to look at that in positive ways in light of my Hearing. Said things to myself like his spirit will be around to bring positive energy to the proceedings.
- And I hope that is true.
- I already think about him all the time. I am afraid that having the Hearing one day after the anniversary of his death will make me a wreck for the Hearing. Inside.
- I was lying in bed two nights ago and smelled hot cocoa so strong it was eerie. I knew I had a visitor from the Other Side, but I couldn't process the Who. By the time I figured out it had to be my Grandma (my mom's mom), she was gone. But it was really nice that she stopped by. Now that I know her "signature scent" I will know her faster next time:-)
- In the process of crawling out of the Rabbit Hole, I knew I needed to think about something else, so I started thinking about *something* that I am not quite ready to share. BUT that something led me down the path to another novel idea.
- I am shocked. Are you shocked?
- After my last novel debacle, I was convinced I was never going there again.
- However, this time I didn't jump out of bed and immediately start writing. I just thought about it. And thought about it. I spent days thinking about it. I knew that I needed to know how it started (solid) and how it ended (solid) and have some good plot points in the middle.
- Yeah, I learned something from the last disaster.
- About four days later I finally wrote up an outline of sorts. Just to see what it would look like on paper.
- I like it.
- I just don't want to dive into it and lose myself. I kinda did that before. I think that was what made the failure so crushing.
- But, I also don't want to be so slow about the thing that I get bored and lose my momentum. Fine line there. And I only feel good about two hours out of the day. Some days. Some days more. Some less. Lately less due to the bone crushing migraines. Literally bone crushing migraines.
- BTW, thank you Phoenix, for that excellent comment. I am thinking about putting that on an index card and taping it up in my bathroom. Yeah, I do that kind of stuff.
- I just finished watching the entire series (four seasons) of Everwood. That was a great show. Truly great. I cried through a lot of that. Not so awesome on the migraines, but what are you going to do?
- It made me think about falling down the rabbit hole. As people we all fall down the rabbit hole. At some time or another we all make a bad call. Bad decision. Sometimes very hurtful to ourselves and/or others. And it is what you do AFTER that determines what kind of person you are.
- In kid news, C-Man is not doing well at the fine arts magnet school. Apparently, things have deteriorated so badly that he may not pass his grade. He has DEFINITELY been kicked out of the program and back into public school. What this means for him personally: he will have to move back in with his father. This breaks my heart.
- I know that this child doesn't want to leave the stability of the home he is in, but the public school he is zoned for would eat him alive. He is a rather geeky kid anyway, and it is something like 90% black in a very tough neighborhood. I am afraid they would kill him. Literally.
- I am not happy about the other alternative either. My ex doesn't seem to understand that he is a role model. Perhaps, that isn't true. He has simply lived in the rabbit hole for too long. He can only teach what he knows.
- H-Girl, who flunked out last year... you didn't know this? Me either. I didn't find out until a couple of months ago. Apparently I wasn't in the need-to-know loop.
- Anyway, H-Girl, who moved in with her aunt and is in an entirely new school is STILL not doing all that well. She should be acing this stuff since she HAD IT LAST YEAR. But no. The Kids are on Spring Break right now and H-Girl forgot her Report Card at school, so no one knows what her grades were for this term.
- When my ex told me this, he indicated that he was certain it meant an "F" was on her Report Card. I could feel my head beginning to explode so I decided to end chat. I talked to H-Girl the next day, and she gave me no clues about what was on her Card. She also didn't indicate she was on any restrictions for the Break.
- That would never have flown in my house. I would have been grounded on What Might Have Been on my Report Card. Or just trying to Manipulate The Situation. In fact, I would have been grounded for all "Fs," even though my parents would have known that wasn't the case. The point was to not pull that stunt because they will make it worse.
- Of course, this was never a problem for me. I had very good grades. My brother didn't, but even he knew better than to try this crapola.
- I realize how ineffective I am in their lives. I can't do anything because I don't live with them. And they are STRESS CAUSING (so taking them on full-time is not an option). I can't take any more stress. Had my ex allowed H-Girl to live with me back in 2007, when I asked we might not be here, but he didn't, and this is where we are.
- Oh, and my best friend from high school, with the sick husband, is still mad at me. No changes there.
- Yvonne posted a question on one of my blogs asking if liars and cheaters can ever change. I think that House is right in that everyone lies. But that isn't what you are really asking me. I think that perpetual liars and cheaters do not change. The only possible thing that would cause someone like that to change is an *event* which would likely be horrific, that could cause that person to seek counseling. It would be so clear to them that THEIR lying, THEIR cheating caused the horrific event that they would WANT to make a change.
- The only reason people ever change is because of a deep desire to change. Change is hard. And, even then, having that change stick would be tough. Why? Because they are used to making the other choice. It is what feels natural. When put on the spot: tell the truth or lie, a liar is probably going to lie.
- Man, I am cynical. Telling the truth is hard. People don't always like the truth. It won't make you popular. Just makes you honest.
- And we live in a world where people value popular. Wow. That was something I didn't see coming. We have been getting that lesson since we were old enough to know which jeans were fashionable and which were not. Too bad they don't run honesty commercials on TV and make it just as enticing.
Well, I am tapped out. My two hours is up. Not sure that I covered everything, but that was pretty close.